Chapter Thirty-six
Mason
Fifteen weeks and three days old
For the first time in a long time, I woke up without a hangover. The sunlight was streaming into the room, and I welcomed it. Seeing Payton, being around her? It was the greatest form of torture. I knew I couldn’t touch, but I couldn’t stop looking. She was so damn beautiful. And she was so in love with Katie. She loved her like a mother would. She loved her like M Kat would have, if she’d been given the chance. I meant what I’d said to Payton last night, I would never ask her to give Katie up. Never. And part of that was selfishness was for me. If she still wanted Katie, she still had to see me too. We were a packaged deal.
Sleeping in my parent’s room was hard but not as hard as I thought it would be. It was nice, being surrounded by them, by their things. The hurt that I thought would overwhelm me when I first opened the door never came. Instead I’d felt at peace for the first time in a while. Everything about being home made me feel like an idiot for staying away. For being afraid to come back. I’d hurt my girls, and I’d wasted precious time. Time that I’d never be able to get back. Jacks was right. He was wise for a former fuck boy.
I walked out of the room and slammed smack dab into Payton. I put my arms out to steady her, and they landed on her slim hips. I bit my cheeks to keep from smiling at the contact. I doubted she’d appreciate it. I tensed all my muscles to keep from pulling her toward me. She’d probably punch me, or get one of her oversized brothers to do it. “Sorry.” I stepped away, but she didn’t leave.
“It’s okay. How did you sleep? I’m sorry I took your room, but I just didn’t want to go through all their things without you.”
Why was she apologizing to me? “Payton, there is not one damn thing that you need to be sorry for. I’m glad you took my room.” And I was. Sometimes, when I’d let myself think about her, I’d picture her here at my house. In my bed, wrapped in my sheets. “Do you think you could help me? Go through their things, I mean.” I was just looking for an excuse to keep her near me. I wasn’t really ready to let go of my parents, to box up their clothes. But they were gone and Payton was here. I needed to fix things between us. I needed to know if I had any chance of repairing what I’d destroyed.
“Sure.” She headed into the living room, talking over her shoulder. “Paxton and Katie are probably still out on their run, and Parker had to be at work first thing this morning. So we can get started now if you want.”
I didn’t want. In all actuality it’d probably be better for me to pack up their room by myself, slamming a bottle of whiskey the whole time, sobbing and listening to David Essex on repeat.
“Yeah, that’d be great.” I’d take anything she would give me.
***
We’d been at it for over an hour now. Payton offered to go through M Kat’s things while I went through my dad’s. But I wanted to see it all. I wanted touch everything before we put it away. I wanted to pick out things that reminded me of them, things that evoked memories, so that I could share them with Katie one day. And I wanted Payton near me.
We had a system going, I’d pick up an item and then pass it to her. She’d put it in one of three piles: charity, keep in the house, keep in storage. I wasn’t ready to let anything actually go, unless it was going to a good cause. We could probably auction off a bunch of my dad’s things and donate a nice chunk of change to one of his favorite charities. “Thank you for helping me with this.” I’d said it a dozen times already. But I just couldn’t seem to stop.
“You’re welcome.” If I’d never left, she’d have laughed at me thanking her over and over.
You don’t have to thank me for this, Mace, I’m just glad I can be here with you.
“Why are you being so nice to me? I don’t deserve it.” I climbed down off the step stool I’d been using to get stuff off the top shelf.
“No, you don’t.” She shrugged. “But I know that going through their things is hard for you. I know that making this room your own is going to pull at your heart.”
She knew because she’d had to do it with mine. I looked down at the sweater in my hands. It was hideous. My dad’s in the nineties. There was a picture somewhere in the house of me standing beside him, sporting a matching one. “I hurt you.”
She was sitting on the floor, crossed-legged. Her long hair piled on her head and her face scrubbed clean of makeup. “You leaving the way you did? Yeah, that stung a little. But I knew you, and I knew what you were going through, the things you were struggling with. I forgave you for leaving like that. Then, when you stopped calling, stop texting, that sucked. Because the last time you were on tour, we were friends. You called all the time, you texted when you were thinking about me. So radio silence was, uh, pretty tough to handle. And when the tour was extended, it didn’t feel good. It didn’t. But, you know, I still had this spark, this tiny little flame inside me that still cared. I would defend you when my brothers talked about what an asshole you were. I told them it wasn’t all your fault, that the label had done this. That you wanted to come home, that you would come home.”
She paused for a minute and my stomach dropped to my feet. “When I found out that extending the tour was your idea. That’s when it fucking hurt. I mean rip my heart out and tear it to shreds kind of pain. That was the moment when I realized that you didn’t want to come home. That you didn’t miss me as much as I missed you. That you weren’t counting down the days until you could see Katie again. Until you could hold her. That was the moment when everything changed.”
I could see her pulse in her neck, the rapid movement of it drawing my eyes and making my mouth water. I could close my eyes and remember the way it felt against my tongue.
“Payton.” I knelt in front of her, not brave enough to try to touch her. “I am so fucking sorry. For all of it. I was coward. I was an asshole. I was exactly what your brothers thought I was. Okay?” I dipped down, making her meet my eyes. “But I never stopped thinking about you, I never stopped missing you. Either of you. If you don’t believe anything else, please believe that. I never stopped loving my girls.”
“Don’t you dare.” She shook her head. “You don’t know the first thing about love, Mason. Love is being there, love is coming home even when it’s hard.”
“I was scared.”
“And you think I wasn’t? I fell in love with a guy who never wanted to fall in love. I gave my heart to a guy who offered me a one-night stand the first time I met him. I was terrified that you’d break me. But I loved you anyway. Because not loving you wasn’t an option for me. I pushed through my fear. I was here. Every damn day. I was here for you. I even forgave you for leaving, for staying gone. For all of it. Two weeks ago I’d have welcomed you home with open arms. I would have been ready to work on this, to fix what you broke. But now? No. Fuck you, Mason, I’m not one of your girls, not anymore.”
She got up and left before I could stop her. Losing M Kat and my father at the same time was the hardest thing I’d ever been through. Nothing had ever hurt me that much. But listening to what Payton said, seeing the look in her eyes, that was definitely second in line. I curled up in ball on the floor in my parents’ massive closet. I grabbed one of my dad’s shirts off the hanger and pulled it on top of me.
How had this become my life?
“Why the fuck is my sister crying?”
I didn’t bother to look up. That was the brother who hadn’t yet threatened to rip my head off. I was pretty sure he wasn’t going to kill me while I was in the fetal position on the ground. “Because I’m a piece of shit.”
“Yeah, but she already knew that. So I’ll ask you again, why is my baby sister crying?”
Payton is someone’s daughter, someone’s baby sister. How would you two feel if twenty years from now someone was sitting at their dining room table talking like this about your sister? Your daughter?
M Kat’s words came flooding back to me, making me feel like even more of an asshole than I already did. “She’s crying because I hurt her. She’s crying because she’s too good for me, and now we both know it.”
“Dig deeper, dickhead. Why is she crying?” I picked up my head at the questioning tone of his voice and met his eyes. I thought he’d look angry, pissed. Maybe even murderous. But instead he was just watching me, like he was waiting for something.
“She’s crying because, even though she doesn’t want to, she still loves me. That’s who she is. She’s crying because she’s relieved that I’m home. That she doesn’t have to worry or wonder anymore. She’s crying because she loves Katie, and she’s thankful that I’m not asking her to leave. She’s crying because the whole time I was gone, she was here, being strong.”
He crossed his arms over his chest. “Okay. Now, what are you going to do about it?”
I frowned, somewhat confused. “I’m going to leave her alone?” What was the right answer? Was there one?
“Nope. Wrong answer, jackass.”
Apparently there was. “I’ve already hurt her too much. I don’t deserve her or her forgiveness.”
“Well that’s the fucking truth. But still, wrong answer.”
I finally stood, tired of having a giant hovering over me. “What do you want from me, man? Why don’t you and Hulk number two go ahead and kick my ass and it get over with? I hurt your sister. Beat the shit out of me. Please. Someone should.”
“I’d like to kick your ass. And Park? Fuck, man, Parker would enjoy the hell out of it. But that’s the last thing Pay needs right now.” He poked me in the chest, hard. “What she does need is for you to man the fuck up. Stop letting Park and me help her take care of Katie. Get your life back, bro. Show her that you’re here, that you’re never leaving again. Show her that you love her. Show her.”
Were their parents saints or something? Why was everyone in that damn family so fucking nice. I wasn’t worthy of anyone’s kindness. “You want us back together?”
“I don’t know. Were you ever really together in the first place?”
“Yeah, of course we were. We were living together. We fucked nonsto—”
I fell to the floor. One hit was all it took from the monster of a man standing over me. “Don’t talk about my sister like that.”
Yep. I had that coming for sure. “You’re right. My bad.” I climbed to my feet, holding my cheekbone, which felt like it was shattered. “We were together. She was my, uh, she was my…” I cleared my throat.
“Stop being suck a damn pussy, they’re just words.”
“She was my girlfriend.” There, that wasn’t so hard. Maybe it was easier because I was distracted by the searing pain in my face.
“Was that all she was to you? My sister was just your girlfriend? Sounds weak.”
I took a deep breath. “No, of course not. She was more than that. She was my best friend. She was everything to me. We were raising Katie together. Payton was it for me. I hate myself for leaving. I hate myself for not being good enough for either of them. For being scared of my life. You’re right, I’m a weak-ass pussy.”
“Dude, I am two seconds away from clocking you again.” He took a step toward me.
I kind of wanted to take a step back. But I didn’t. The truth was, I didn’t want Payton’s brothers to think I was weak. I wanted to prove to everyone that I had it in me to be a good man. “You honestly want me with your sister?” I wouldn’t want someone like me with my sister. Hell to the fucking no.
“Absolutely not. But Payton loves you, and she loves Katie. And Park and me, we love them both. So it’s time for you to step the hell up and be the man they deserve. The husband and the father they deserve. Give them their happily ever after, man.” He turned and walked out, his massive frame taking up a lot of the doorway.
The husband and the father they deserve.
My dad was a great husband, and he would have made an amazing father to Katie. But he was gone, and I was still here. I had Payton and I had my baby sister. Pretty baby and a beautiful wife. All the words, all the fears that had sent me running in the first place, now seemed so harmless, so right.
Paxton was right, they were just words.