Chapter 20
Ellie
Two months later
I’ve never been one to put a lot of stock in counseling, dredging up and then talking about all the bad things that have happened in one’s life, but I was wrong. After just a few sessions with my therapist, Dr. Annette Jelks, I was already feeling better about myself and coming to terms with the nightmare that was my past.
Dr. Jelks was older, in her mid-sixties or so, and she dressed a little bit like a hippie with her long, flowy dresses and gaudy jewelry. I liked her smile and the purple tint in her gray hair. Yes, she was a bit eccentric, but I felt at ease from the first moment I met her, even though it took some time for me to truly open up. Other than Diesel, and until recently, my parents, I hadn’t spoken to anyone about my past, but with each session, it became easier. She listened to me without judgment, even when it was deserved, and didn’t provoke any conversations that I wasn’t ready to talk about. When I felt that the time was right, I disclosed some of the awful things that Brady had done to me; she let me take things at my own pace, never interrupting me or leading me in another direction. She encouraged me to get out everything I needed to say, and once I was done, she would always ask the same question—just like she’d done during my latest session.
I had just finished telling her about the night I’d gone to the bar with Kelley, a friend of mine from the coffee shop for simply one quick, little drink. I came home a few minutes late, but Brady was furious when I walked in the door. He never liked me talking to anyone, much less making an actual friend, and to punish me for going against him, he beat me and then shoved me in a closet. Brady left me there for over twenty-four hours, and when he finally released me, he beat me again for making a mess in the closet.
As soon as I finished describing what had happened to me, Dr. Jelks picked up her pen and asked, “How did that make you feel?”
I thought it was an absurd question, but as always, I still answered, “I felt humiliated and angry. I hated him for doing that to me.”
“I assume that you weren’t able to discuss those feelings with him.”
“I tried at first, but he never really listened; after a while, he’d become so angry if I tried to bring it up that we’d start fighting all over again,” I scoffed. “I just learned to keep my mouth shut and avoid him as much as possible.”
“That must’ve been very hard on you.”
I knew what she was doing, but I took the bait. “Yes, it was, but he would be better for a while … even nice. But it never lasted. It was a vicious cycle.”
“Most cases of domestic violence are just like what you’ve described. After an attack, the aggressor feels guilty, and that remorse hangs around for a while. But inevitably, something always triggers the anger.”
“I tried not to provoke him. I tried to do everything the way he would want it, but I couldn’t seem to do anything right.”
“I learned something a long time ago, Ellie, and it was a hard lesson to learn. You can’t change other people. You can only change yourself. There was nothing you could do or say that would stop Brady from behaving the way he did. It only stopped when you decided to stand up to him. You gathered your courage, you faced your fear, and in the end, you got away from him. You changed the direction of your life because you were brave enough to make the change in yourself.”
“So, it wasn’t just me? You really don’t think Brady could’ve ever changed?”
She studied me for a moment before she continued, “There are therapists out there who would disagree with me, but I truly think that there are some people who just can’t be helped. I believe Brady is one of those people, but you, on the other hand, you have already made insurmountable changes. And I think those changes have been for the better, don’t you?”
“I think so. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I have my family back. I even talked to my brother the other day.”
“I’m pleased to hear that you were finally able to reach him. How did that conversation go?”
“Really well, actually. As you can imagine, we had a lot of catching up to do.”
“That’s good to hear.” With a hopeful tone in her voice, she asked, “And your folks? How are things going with them?”
“It’s taking some time to get used to having them back in my life. For so long I was on my own, not having anyone who really cared about me, and now it seems like I have two families. But I love it. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”
“And Scotty?” When I smiled, she raised your eyebrow and said, “I take it things are going well with him.”
“Yes. Very much so. He makes me happier than I ever thought possible.”
“Have you two talked about the possibility of having a family down the road?”
“He wants children, but I’m not sure. I don’t think I could go through it again. If I lost another child, especially his, I think it would destroy me,” I confessed.
“You’re stronger than you think, Ellie. Don’t ever let fear stop you from your dreams. A child can be a wonderful blessing. I’m sure you remember the feeling of being pregnant, having a little part of yourself growing inside of you and the love you felt for that child. I know it was difficult for you to lose her, but don’t let that stop you from trying again. If the time comes when you are ready for a child, then you’ll know it.”
Like always, she’s helped me see things from a different perspective. “Okay. Thank you.”
“That just about does it for our session today. Same time next week?” she asked as she stood up.
As I followed her to the door, I said, “Yes. That will be great. Thank you so much.”
When I got downstairs, Diesel was waiting for me. The weather had finally warmed up, so I wasn’t surprised to see that he took the bike. He loved riding that crazy thing. I loved riding it, too, mainly because it gave me an excuse to be close to him. When he saw me walking in his direction, he grabbed my helmet and offered it to me. “How’d it go?”
“Good.” I climbed on and sat down behind him and asked, “Where are we going?”
“I thought we’d shoot over to the hospital to see Liv and the baby, if that’s okay with you.”
“I thought they would be home by now.”
He gave me a slight shrug. “I don’t know about all that. I just know they’re still at the hospital, and since we’re right here, I thought we’d visit them. But we can go some other time—”
“Now is great. I would love to meet little Casey.”
As soon as I put my helmet on, Diesel pulled out onto the road and started driving towards the hospital. I hadn’t held a baby since that night, and I was feeling a little anxious. I didn’t want to have a breakdown in front of Liv or his brothers, but I knew it was important to Diesel that we go. It was important to me as well. Over the past few months, Diesel’s brothers and their wives have become my family, and I loved each and every one of them. I wanted to be there to congratulate Liv and Clutch, so I swallowed my anxiety and followed Diesel to their hospital room. When we walked in, Clutch was holding Casey in his arms while Liv slept soundly. He was so proud that it looked like he might burst right there on the spot.
His voice just above a whisper, Clutch said, “Hey, brother. Get your ass over here and see my beautiful daughter.”
Diesel eased over to him, trying his best not to wake up Liv, and as soon as he got a look at Casey, a huge smile crept over his face. “She’s just beautiful. Thank God, she looks like her mother.”
“You wanna hold her?”
“Well, yeah. Why do you think we came over here?” Clutch gently lowered his daughter into Diesel’s arms. “She’s so tiny.”
“She weighed in at seven pounds two ounces, and she’s twenty-one inches long,” Clutch boasted.
I looked at Diesel with that baby in his arms, and when I saw the tender look in his eyes, my heart melted. He lowered his lips to her head and kissed her lightly as he whispered, “Hey there, pretty girl. I’m your Uncle Diesel.”
“Can you believe it, man? I’m a father.”
“I know. It’s freaking me out just a little.” Diesel teased. “And to think that Smokey’s next. Damn.”
“He’s not gonna know what to do with himself,” Clutch told him. “There’s no other feeling like this. It’s gonna blow his mind.”
“She really is a doll, brother. You did good.”
“Thanks. I think so.”
Diesel looked over to me and asked softly, “You wanna hold her?”
I’d been keeping it together pretty well, and I didn’t want to take the chance on losing it, so I told him, “No, that’s okay.”
“You sure?” He walked over to me. “She’s a real beauty.”
As soon as I saw her up close, I knew there was no way I could turn him down again. “Okay.”
Diesel carefully placed her in my arms and smiled. “Yeah, we’re definitely gonna have to have a house full of these.”
I looked down at her precious, little fingers and her tiny button nose, and I was overcome with an emotion I hadn’t expected. Her smell. Her innocence. The way she felt in my arms. Holding her didn’t give me a feeling of sadness or regret. Instead, I felt joy—pure and absolute—joy. While holding Casey didn’t make me want to have a child right now, it did make me realize that the possibility was there. I looked over to Clutch and said, “She’s perfect. Positively perfect.”
“Thanks, doll.” He smiled warmly. “How are things with you? Anything new going on?”
“Everything’s great. I’ve been going to counseling every week, and I really like Dr. Jelks, my therapist. It turns out that seeing her was the best thing that could’ve happened to me. She’s helped me a lot.”
“That’s really good to hear.”
“I’ve also signed up for some summer classes, so I’ll be going to school part-time and working at the coffee shop. I’m really excited about it.”
“That sounds pretty awesome, Ellie. Glad everything’s heading in the right direction for ya.”
“I couldn’t have done it without all of you, especially Diesel.” I looked over to him and smiled. “He’s been really wonderful.”
“You got yourself a good one with him.”
“Yes, I did.”
I looked back down at the baby one last time before I walked her back over to her father. As I lowered her down into his arms, I said, “You better get yourself prepared. She’s going to be a real heartbreaker.”
“Oh, man. I don’t even wanna think about it.” Clutch shook his head. “We’re gonna have to get busy. She’s gonna need a little brother who can look out for her.”
“Don’t even think about it,” Liv mumbled with her eyes still closed. “I’m gonna need some time to rebound before we start trying for another one.”
A smirk crossed Clutch’s face as he whispered, “We’ll give it a couple of weeks or so.”
“Clutch!” Liv warned.
“I’m just kiddin’, babe. Well, kind of.”
Diesel chuckled as he said, “The club’s gonna be over-run by babies before it’s all said and done.”
“Yeah, seems that way.” Clutch agreed.
“I better get my girl home,” Diesel announced. “Looks like we have some catching up to do.”
I gave him a scornful look. “Umm … what?”
“Don’t worry, angel. We’ll just be practicing for now.”
Ignoring him, I turned to Liv and Clutch and said, “If you guys need anything, just let us know. And congratulations. Casey is a beautiful little girl.”
“Thanks, Ellie,” Liv replied. As she pointed to Diesel, she said, “Keep that one in line.”
“I’ll do my best.”
Just as we were walking out, Clutch called out to Diesel. “Hey. I forgot to tell ya. Cotton got the word from Gus. Everything with the route went as planned.”
“I never had any doubt.” Diesel smiled as he followed me out the door.
It was late by the time we got home, so after a quick dinner of sandwiches and chips, we showered and went straight to bed. It had been a long day, but unlike Diesel, I wasn’t sleepy. I rolled over and stared at him, lying there looking so peaceful, and I just couldn’t help myself. I inched closer to him and started trailing light kisses along the curve of his neck while my hand slowly roamed across his chest. When my fingers reached his lower abdomen, his eyes crept open. “Whatcha got on your mind, angel?”
“I was just thinking about what you said earlier.”
“And what was that?”
I continued to nip and suck along his neck and shoulder as I mumbled, “I don’t know … Something about us practicing ...”
“Is that right?”
“Umm-hmm.”
I lowered my mouth to Diesel’s, and as soon as my lips touched his, his hands reached for the back of my neck. His fingers tangled tightly in my hair as he took control of the kiss. My hips automatically rocked against him, feeling him thicken beneath me while he devoured my mouth. The desire I felt for him was running rampant as he moved his hands to the hem of my t-shirt and pulled it over my head. He let out a deep breath as he took my bare breasts in his hands, holding them firmly while he lowered his mouth to my sensitive flesh. I loved the feel of his hands on my body—every touch, every flick of his tongue—sent me soaring to a new level of ecstasy. His erection throbbed against my thigh, and I was quickly becoming desperate to have him.
“We can practice any time you like, sweet angel. Any time you like.”
“Please, Scotty,” I pleaded.
A hiss escaped his lips as I reached down, slipping my hand into his boxers. Having my fingers wrapped around him, Diesel’s breathing became short and strained; in a matter of seconds, I was flipped around and deposited flat on my back with the weight of his body pressed against mine. His mouth dropped to my ear, the warmth of his breath sent chills down my spine when he growled, “Mine.”
I loved the feeling of being claimed by him—I was his and he was mine. Suddenly, my panties were sliding along my skin as he eased them down my legs. A deep moan rumbled through his chest as he gazed down upon my naked body. My pulse quickened, and a devilish grin spread across his face. My entire body trembled with need as he settled his hips between my legs. Lowering his face to my neck, the bristles of his beard started tickling me as he licked and sucked along the contours of my body. Oh, how I loved this man. Heart and soul. I couldn’t get enough of him. My hands dropped to his waist, pulling at his boxers, and seconds later they were on the floor next to his abandoned t-shirt. Even after months of being with him, I still marveled at just how handsome he really was. Every inch of him was like some kind of dream, and just like the first time, I wanted him more than I thought possible.
“I love you, Scotty.”
“And I love you, too, angel.”
I wound my hands around his neck, pulling him closer and kissed him. It was gentle and slow, then I looked at him and whispered, “Mine.”
“Fuck,” he groaned when his hand slipped between us. Each movement was meticulous and slow, causing me to writhe beneath him while his thumb brushed back and forth. I was unable to control the sounds of my pleasure as he delved deeper inside me, not recognizing my own voice echoing through the room. I was completely lost in his touch, loving the feel of his calloused hands against my body. The bed creaked as I arched my back, feeling the muscles in my abdomen tighten with my impending release. My breath caught in my throat as waves of pleasure rushed through me, and just when I thought I couldn’t take it a moment longer, he grazed his erection against my entrance. I gasped loudly as he thrust deep inside me, giving me all he had in one smooth stroke.
His hands reached up, fisting my hair as he drove into me again. Slow and demanding. His teeth raked over my nipples, and I cried out wanting more. I loved how he felt pressed against my bare skin, buried deep inside me. I never wanted to leave that spot. I couldn’t get enough of him, and something told me that was how it would always be with him. I’d found him—the missing piece of my soul, and I would hold on to him, cherish him, and love him, until the day I took my last breath.