Chapter 31
Gideon
“What is this?” Snow asks as she hops into my truck. She actually let me attend one of her doctor’s appointments. I’ve been asking for weeks, and it’s been like pulling teeth with her. I think I’ve managed to somewhat convince her that I’m here for good.
It wasn’t hard when I made the decision to pack up my shit and move down here. Who’d of thought I’d ever end up in the middle of nowhere Alabama? It was just the first step in operation get Snow back. I needed her in my life, and my unborn child. The minute I discovered she was carrying my child I felt like a changed man. As if anything that ever happened before that minute didn’t matter.
The minute I heard the heart beat burst through that monitor I damn near had a heart attack. An emotion I’ve never felt so clear before resonated all the way deep down into my bones…unconditional love. I thought I loved Snow more than anything in this world. I thought I could never love anything or anyone more than her, but the minute I heard that tiny heartbeat that love was surpassed.
“You know…pamphlets.” I shrug as we pull out of the parking lot.
“Pamphlets?” she asks in surprise. “For what?” she shoves them on the dashboard, turning towards me.
“Me.” I wait for her to laugh but when I look over. Her eyes are shinning with unshed tears.
“But these are pregnancy pamphlets.” She speaks as if I’ve completely lost my damn mind.
“Yeah I know, Snow. I know shit about pregnancies. What if you need something and I can’t fucking help you because I have no clue how?” just thinking about it has my skin crawling and my mind going completely nuts. I need to be able to take care of her, of them. I need to make sure I know every fucking thing about this because as of right fucking now I have no clue. Some people say it comes naturally to them, parenting…but I don’t think that’s true at all. The more I study this shit the more I feel as if I know nothing.
“So you decided to take every pamphlet from Doctor Short’s office?” she raises an inquisitive brow.
“Yeah, well I saw some things on those that google failed to tell me.” her jaw literally hangs open. Is it really that much of a surprise?
“Gideon…” her hand comes to rest on my thigh. I watch out of the corner of my eye as a stray tear slides down her face. I bring my thumb up to wipe the tear away.
“Don’t cry, Snow.” my voice comes out hoarse. “I just want to be ready.”
“It’s not like we’re sending a rocket up to space, Gideon. It’s a baby.” she half laughs. It’s not just a baby though, it’s my baby, our child.
Everything I read and research just seems like it isn’t enough. When we were in the doctor’s office I felt as if I knew nothing. I was weeks, months even, behind on the lingo.
“I can’t fuck this up…like I did to us.” I mutter the last part, but I know she hears it anyway. Her small fingers squeeze my thigh just a little bit harder, sending an unspoken message deep down inside of me.
“You won’t.” two words. She spoke two words yet they give me the power and absolution I need to keep going.
For Snow I’d do anything. I’d fight, scratch, and claw my way to the ends of this goddamn earth for her. Little by little she’s starting to realize that. Little by little I tear her walls down more and more, each and every day. She’s slowly beginning to trust me again. I was prepared when I first came down here to lose her forever, but what I wasn’t counting on was the ounce of hope that still resonated from deep down inside her heart.
She tells me it’s because of the letters I sent that her heart just couldn’t give up on me. In the same breath she swears she’s only in it for Max. That damn dog huddles just a little closer every time she kids around like that with a smug look nestled on his huge furry face.
Thinking back on the events that lead us to this road, I feel a tad bit grateful. I spent most days thinking about all of the ‘what if’ moments I was faced with in the past year. If I had never taken that case against her mother, would I have even met Snow? If things had never escalated the way they had, would we have even ended up here?
It’s hard to say what moments in life make us who we are today. What moment in time was the deciding factor that determined how the rest of your life would be? For me there were so many revolving around the tiny woman nestled tightly against my side. Every touch, every whisper, every single smile practically knocked me on my ass from the very beginning. I know I’ll never be the same.
We will never be the same.