Erika
Erika – Aged 17
After an entire period of scribbling “Noah Cox” all over my sketchpad in art, I’d come to the conclusion that my love-hate crush had gotten totally out of control. Thankfully, we had an hour of PE to wipe thoughts of him from my mind.
I tucked the pad against my chest and strode down the hall toward the girls’ changing room, Jessie at my side. “Dude, are you sure you’re, like, OK? You’re acting really strange today.”
“Just had some stuff on my mind, I guess,” I said, “um, I—my partner in chem was absent today, and I had to carry the load, you know.”
“Ugh, don’t say ‘carry the load,’” Jessie whispered. “If people hear you say that out loud, they’ll think you mean something else. You know, like sexual.” Her eyes were wide and darted from side to side in her skull, checking the coast was clear. “Literally the last thing you need in high school is to be branded a slut. Just ask Nancy Tyler. Nobody will touch her with a ten-foot pole right now.”
I looked down at my modest blouse, my worn backpack straps, and my baggy jeans, then back at her, shifting my glasses up my nose. “Yeah, Jess, I could probably scream I’ve got a cock in either hand and a mouthful of semen, and no one would believe I’d lost my virginity yet.”
Jess, who just happened to be one of the most popular girls in high school and was crushing hardcore on my brother Marc, nodded sagely. “Gross. So gross, but true. You know, I didn’t think of it like that. I guess there are pros to being the class nerd, right?”
“Apart from the potential to get into Ivy League schools, you mean?” I quipped.
She slapped my arm. “You know, for a dork, you’re kinda mean.”
“And that’s exactly why no one’s given me a swirly yet.” Emphasis on the “yet.” There were tons of girls in this school who’d like to give me more than just a swirly. Probably the Carrie treatment. I’d avoided it through a kick-ass attitude and my friendship with Jess. She’d blossomed early, and I’d clung to my mousiness for way longer.
We worked as besties, and that was all that mattered to me.
Finally, we entered the changing room and put down our bags. I shoved my books into it, then headed for the locker I’d been assigned at the beginning of the school year. Naturally, it was right next to Nancy Tyler’s—aforementioned pro-ho and total bitch-bag in chief. She gave me the side-eye but ignored me after and made a huge show of stripping down to her underwear in front of all the girls.
Naturally, they were lacy, a matching bra and thong, and she strutted around showing off, even though lacey underwear was officially against the dress code.
I stripped down to my modest white cotton bikinis and matching bra, keeping my gaze fixed on the pictures of the pyramids and Egypt plastered along the inside of my locker door. I’d always wanted to go, and fantasizing about going there was so much easier than dealing with Nancy’s girl talk.
Still her voice drifted through the locker room, loud, piercing, like a high-pitched foghorn in pretty panties.
“Guess who’s got a date for prom!” she called out.
“Who?” Penny Leckwith asked, scratching the tip of her nose. She wasn’t the brightest in the bunch, but she was pretty popular herself, and sporting a pair of pink lacy undies and bra.
“Me, duh!”
We were a whole year away from Senior Prom, which meant that one of the senior class dudes had invited her. Big whoop. She was likely going to give it up on prom night to whoever her date was, so it was natural she’d get invited. The thong and bra said it all. Mmm, yeah, I was a little jealous, but whatever. I’d earmarked an episode of Walker Texas Ranger for that night, anyway.
“Who with?” Jess piped up, where she changed at the locker on the other side of mine.
I made quick work of pulling on my shorts and shirt, then stepped out of my flats and into sneakers, bent to tie them.
Nancy’s bare feet appeared beside me. I didn’t look up at her.
“Guess,” she said. “Better yet, Erika, why don’t you guess who it is?”
I finished tying my laces and rose, facing Nancy, or rather, facing her ample breasts. She was taller than me, and I looked up at her to meet her gaze. “Nancy, I don’t know why I’d give a rat’s ass about who you’re going to fuck at prom.”
A chorus of oohs rang out, and a couple of the other girls laughed. This was a prime example of why no one had dared shove my head down a toilet or pull a tampon prank on me just yet. I was feisty as hell.
I shut my locker and sat back on the bench in the center of the row, to wait.
“You’ll care when you find out who it is.” Nancy placed her hands on her hips and thrust her chest outward. “It’s Noah Cox. What do you think of that?”
Ice dropped in my gut, but I kept my gaze as blank as possible.
Jessie slammed her locker shut and glared at Nancy. “Why do you have to be such a bitch all the time, Nance? Why can’t you just be normal?”
“Oh come on, I’m just having a little fun.” Nancy sauntered forward and leaned over, exposing herself further. She was tan everywhere. No white bikini lines, and everyone knew what that meant. “You’re not jealous, are you, Erika?”
Coach Turner appeared at the other end of the locker room and blew a whistle. “All right, ladies, hurry it up. We don’t have all damn day.”
“You should be,” Nancy continued, this time under her breath as the girls hurried to finish dressing. “Because we all know you have a massive thing for him. And he definitely has a massive thing, just not for you.” She giggled, pressing four perfectly manicured fingers to her lips.
“Get bent, Tyler.”
Nancy’s eyes flashed. “Oh, I plan on it. This Saturday night.”
I burst from the bench and pushed past the half-naked girl, striding away from the coach and toward the exit to the locker room. “Gray!” Coach Turner yelled. “Hey, Gray, where the hell do you think you’re going?”
I didn’t reply but pushed out into the hall instead, breathing hard. I walked to the corner, turned it, then rested my back against the wall, squeezed my eyes shut. This was so dumb. This was so damn dumb. Nancy didn’t matter. Neither did Noah, really. I had other things to do. I’d never wanted to be that girl who dated guys. I’d wanted… What?
Him. I just want him.
“No,” I muttered.
I wanted to go to Egypt. I wanted to go on vacation. I wanted to study to be a paleontologist, or maybe…something else. And I’d grow up as a successful whatever I chose, and then I’d have a family of my own. A baby.
That brought a small smile to my face. A family. A Christmas. We’d be happy. And that would all come after high school, after all this dumb crap had faded into background nothingness.
“I’m fine,” I whispered. “I’m fine now, and I’ll be better than fine later. It doesn’t matter.”
“Talking to yourself is a symptom of insanity, you know.” The voice came from directly beside me, and I jumped and let out a scream, backpedaled a few steps.
Noah leaned against the nearby wall, his arms folded across his burly chest, his school jacket puffy in colors of red and yellow. “Did I scare you?”
“No,” I said, “that’s just how I communicate.”
“You need to work on it, four-eyes. That’s a bad way to make friends.”
Noah looked me up and down from head to toe, licked his lips, and smirked. “You think I don’t already know that?”
“I heard you were going to prom with Nancy Tyler.” It came out of me like I’d meant to say it. But I hadn’t.
“Why do you care, short stuff?” Noah asked, raising an eyebrow. “Don’t tell me you’re jealous, Erika. Shit, I thought you hated me. I thought you knew how much you annoyed me.” His expression darkened.
I took a single step backward. “Hmm, I don’t really care.”
“You don’t, huh? Then why bring it up?” He was such an asshole. Skipping class, taunting me. I withheld a scream of frustration, tamped it down tight.
“Just to warn you,” I said, and turned on my heel, walking back to the corner.
“Warn me about what, four-eyes?”
I paused and cast a glance back at him, over my shoulder.
Gosh, did he have to be so sinfully handsome? So perfect American quarterback? He was trouble. Rumor had it he’d already been arrested once for rebelling against the system—a.k.a. vandalism—but the accusations and charges had fallen from him like water sliding down a duck’s back.
“To use protection,” I said, at last. “Nancy’s, um, not a virgin. Let’s leave it at that.” It was a low blow, and I totally hated myself for it, but the fact that I’d wiped the smirk off his face was prize enough. I tossed my hair in its ponytail, then turned the corner and pranced off, back down the hall to the locker room.
I entered it and found it emptying. Nancy was still at her locker, of course, since she was always the last one to get dressed. She loved lingering in her underwear with her perfectly toned and top-heavy body, way developed for a girl in the eleventh grade.
“Oh, glad you could join us,” Nancy hissed as I passed. “Are you done crying now?”
I paused and looked at her, shaking my head. I gave a rueful sigh. “Nancy, has anyone ever told you that you try way too hard? Like, nobody cares. Literally, nobody cares who you fuck, or who you date, or what you do with your life. Nobody here at least. So just stick in your lane, and I’ll stick in mine.”
I walked off, relishing the shocked expression that had replaced the malevolence.
Coach Tyler eyed me as I passed. “You good to go, Gray?”
“I’m fine, Coach,” I said. “I had, um, an emergency, but it blew over. I’m fine.”
“Good, because I don’t have time for idiots in my gym. Now, let’s move it.”
I walked past her, and we filtered out of the locker room, down the adjoining hall and into the gym. I wasn’t looking forward to sweating it out now, but anything was better than standing around in that locker room or talking to Noah.
The fact was, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t just dismiss him, mentally, as much as I wanted to. There was always something there. Some little candle I held for him, even though he was such a prime asshole.
Jock. Bad boy. Most handsome guy in the school. And he hated me.
So why, oh why, couldn’t I get him out of my head? Or out of my heart?
Maybe I’ll know, one day, what it all means. Maybe.