Erika
“Sit down,” I said and pointed to the sofa. I walked to the door of my room and clapped it shut, turned the lock, then marched over and collected my ruined underwear, then my dress. I dumped them both on top of my overnight bag, before turning back to my brother.
Marc had taken up a position on the sofa, but his gaze was sharp, and he leaned his forearms on his thighs. “What the hell were you thinking, Erika?” he asked. “Noah? Are you fucking serious?”
I hadn’t been thinking, to be honest. For the first time in a long time, I’d been feeling. Maybe, that was the problem.
“Yes,” I said. “I’m fucking serious. I don’t see how my sex life has anything to do with you.”
“Sex life,” Marc repeated, and tugged at his hair. “Jesus Christ. What a nightmare.”
“Dude, what’s the matter with you?” I asked, and sat down on one of the armchairs—not the discarded-thong one. “I’m thirty-four-years-old, not sixteen. It’s not like I’m dating Noah in high school, and even if I was, what difference would it make? You’re not Dad, so what the hell’s your problem? I didn’t ask for you to be this protective over me.”
“I’ve always had your best interests at heart,” Marc replied. “Ever since we were kids. The only kids in the family who stuck together. You remember what happened to Cousin Nattie.”
“Oh my god, so we’re going to dredge up ancient family history to justify our shitty behavior in the present day?” I asked. Cousin Nattie had wound up hooked on drugs, thanks to the negative influence of her boyfriend. Her brother Joseph had never forgiven himself for it.
I hadn’t seen either of them in years, hadn’t even thought of them. Then again, Marc had always been more family-oriented than me.
“Erika, fine, you asked me why I’m behaving this way, and I’m telling you. Noah is bad news. He’s always been bad news. You have no idea what he got up to in high school,” Marc replied.
“I think I have some idea. There were enough rumors—”
“Remember that bitch who he invited to prom? The one who was such a dick to you? Yeah, he slept with her that night, and then he dumped her the next day. He used her.”
I sighed. “Yeah, I know. The school was alive with rumors about it, dude. I know the dark secrets. It’s whatever. That was seventeen years ago. You can’t seriously believe he’s still the same person he was back then. That’s seriously naïve of you. Why are you even friends with him if you think he’s that bad of a person? Huh? For god’s sake, you married Jess!”
Marc rubbed his palms together, ground his teeth so loud that they squeaked. “You’re seriously going to make this difficult, aren’t you?”
“I’m not making it any way except real. You have no right to come in here and interrupt whatever was going on between me and Noah. Look, I get that you’re friends with him, but still. That was totally out of line, and I’d like an apology for it.”
“An apology!”
“Yes, a goddamned apology.” I folded my arms, tucking my robe closer to my body, even though it wasn’t cold in the room. It was just a method of guarding myself from him and his shitty behavior.
I’d never once seen my brother that angry or that out of control, and yeah, it had bothered me. A lot.
Marc raised a finger at me. “No,” he said, “I won’t apologize for looking out for your best interests. Your best friend called me and told me you’d be at this hotel, alone. That you were spending Christmas alone. I came up here to help you out, and instead, I find you here with… Fuck!”
“Marc, don’t be unreasonable. I don’t need you to look out for my best interests. I’m a grown woman, not a teenager.”
“Then why are you behaving like one?” Marc shook that finger at me, and I had the urge to pinch it.
As kids, we’d gotten in our fair share of brawls. I’d won when we’d been younger and I’d been a little taller, but after puberty hit, it had been him bullying me and not much else. “Marc, stop.”
“He’s using you,” my brother said. “He’s using you to make himself feel better. That’s who he is.” He huffed a sigh. “Look, it’s not like he’s doing it on purpose. I don’t think he even realizes why he’s doing what he does. Noah’s family life was dysfunctional growing up, and that method of doing things has rubbed off on him. It’s just the truth. The way it is. Nothing you do or say will change that.”
“That’s unfair of you. He’s your best friend.”
“Exactly.” Marc spread his arms as if I’d just proved his point. “Which means I know him better than I know anyone else. The guy is…not worth your time.”
“Scum?” I prompted, arching both eyebrows at him. I’d never heard Marc talk about anyone or to anyone the way he’d done with Noah, and it had shocked me.
“I was pissed off, Erika,” Marc snapped. “Obviously, I overreacted, but now that I’ve calmed down a little, I still haven’t changed my mind about this. I’m warning you—”
“You’re warning me?”
“I’m warning you,” he repeated. “Stay the hell away from Noah. He will break your heart without even trying, and I’ll be damned if I stand by and watch it happen to you.”
“I’m afraid that’s not your choice to make anymore.” Already this was too complicated. I’d been unsure about Noah from the start, terrified of getting hurt by him, and now, being with him would negatively affect the pretty solid relationship I’d always had with my brother.
We’d fought as siblings did, but we loved each other, we respected each other. Or we had until little over an hour ago.
“I don’t need your help,” I said.
Marc had gone the color of puce. The shade reddened quickly. He clenched his fists, glaring and hot-headed all over again. “Erika.”
“I don’t need anyone dictating to me how I live my life. If I choose to see Noah again, you’ll just have to deal with it.”
“I forbid it,” Marc replied, and clapped his hands once, as if he were a king and I was his loyal subject. “That’s my last say on the matter.”
“Well, isn’t that cute. You forbid it? Who are you, God?”
“I forbid it,” he repeated.
“Fuck you.” I wasn’t the rebellious type, but this made me want to fetch Noah from wherever he’d gone and start promptly making out with him. It was childish, for sure, but my brother’s take on the situation was more so. “This is my life, Marc. You can get out if you’re going to talk to me like that.”
“Erika, please,” he said and once again, the color drained away. What was with these mood swings? It so wasn’t my brother. He’d always been the responsible one, even-keeled and always willing to do his due diligence regarding everything in the family or home.
“What’s really going on here Marc? Why are you so freaked about this?”
“I told you why.”
“There’s got to be more to it than that.”
“I just don’t trust him,” Marc said, again, then cleared his throat. “And, if you must know, he and Jessie had a fling before he disappeared off to college. Before Jess and I officially got together.”
I froze, stared at him, wide-eyed. “Huh?” The words simply didn’t make sense to my ears. Jess and I had drifted apart over the years, ever since she’d first started dating Marc and become more his friend and lover than my best friend, but she’d surely known.
She’d stood up for me when Nancy had teased me about Noah. She’d always been there for me. The fact that she’d have done that…
“It was at the bonfire at the end of your senior year,” Marc said, clearing his throat. “Jess and I were on the rocks. We hadn’t spoken in months, and that happened. I stayed friends with him because I knew that it meant nothing to either of them, but it’s still there, you know? In the back of my head.”
I cleared my throat and turned it over in my mind, probing my feelings. “It was seventeen years ago,” I said at last.
“I know, and I’m over it, but I still believe that he’s that guy.”
I shook my head, not because I didn’t agree, just at how absurd this situation was. All the high-school secrets coming to light when I was a grown-ass woman. None of it really mattered, but the fact that Marc’s wife, my now sister-in-law and ex-best friend, had been with the man I’d started falling for—no, you can’t fall for him. You can’t.
It added another layer of complication to the mish-mash of already mucked-up crap that signified the past couple months.
He’d slept with my once-best friend. He’d told me he loved me.
What was I supposed to make of all of this? It was too confused.
“What does any of this matter?” I muttered.
“It matters. Look, I saw him a couple months ago with another woman at the Chestnut. On a date.”
My heart flipped over. Another woman? It didn’t count, of course. Noah could have slept with whomever he wanted a couple months ago. He could’ve dated a supermodel. We hadn’t been committed to each other then, and we weren’t now.
Except he’d told me he loved me.
“Don’t you see? He uses people and then he leaves them. No doubt he cared for whoever that woman was too.” Marc reached out and squeezed my arms. “I just want you safe. I want you careful.”
“It’s too complicated,” I said, at last.
“He’s bad for you,” Marc agreed.
And it sank in piece by piece. How could he truly love me? How could he care when we’d only recently opened up to each other? What we had had burned bright and hot, but it was over now. It would fizzle out, and he’d become just another name. Another face from my past.
And I’ll be alone again.
“I need time to think,” I said, softly. “I need to be alone.”
“You should come stay the night with Jess and me. Seriously. You can’t be alone on Christmas Eve,” Marc replied, and drew me into a hug.
“I’m fine. This is the way I want it. I need this time to be alone, OK? Trust me.”
He shrugged, drew back. “Fine. It’s your choice. Stay safe, sis, and Merry Christmas.”
I snorted a laugh. “Right.”
Marc left me to my thoughts, shutting the hotel room door behind him. I waited a few minutes, then rose and walked to my bags, began packing. I had to wipe myself clean of Noah, of every thought I’d had of him, and stick with my original plan.
Focus on my career, be the person I’d set out to be. Grow stronger on my own. I forced myself to focus on those thoughts and nothing else, but the hollowness in my chest drew my focus again and again.
By the time I reached the lobby, on the phone to Luna, I was in tears.