God, I’m so exhausted. Not the exhaustion that comes from punishing my body on a treadmill. Mentally, I’m wiped out.
I’ve had the same reoccurring dream for three nights in a row. Since the day I got home from the beach and Andrea came to stay with me. I’ve woken up in the middle of the night, panting and sweating as if it were real. I’ve had many reoccurring dreams of my mother this past year, finding her face down, lifeless, bleeding all over the floor.
These dreams are different. They always start off the same. I slowly walk to her body, but now when I get to her it’s no longer my mother. It’s a man, wearing a suit, and bleeding from the back of his head. I struggle to turn him over. The person who stares back at me once I do is Ben.
What does it mean?
I can only guess that it’s my subconscious messing with me. It’s clearly telling me to stop wasting brain cells on that man. The narcissist in me is clearly telling my subconscious to fuck off because I can’t stop thinking about that man. Now add the universe to the mix. It’s laughing at me because it keeps throwing him into my path. I must have done something awful in a past life to be punished this way. Ben’s connection to Rob and Andrea makes it impossible for me to ignore him and cut him from my life, making me stuck with him.
My purgatory…being forced to ignore my insatiable need to have him in every way.
I’ve been wishing for a wonderful stranger to suddenly enter my life and sweep me off my feet. Someone who does want the whole package, the happily ever after…who wants it with me. I sometimes think of Peter and what would be if he were still in the picture. I would’ve met Ben eventually, him being Rob’s best friend and best man. Am I emotionally strong enough to ignore the pull I have toward Ben? Would I even have that pull toward him if I were in a committed relationship?
I have a feeling that if Peter and I were still together at this moment in time, meeting Ben would have had the same effect on me all around.
I release a heavy sigh without even realizing it.
“That doesn’t sound good.” I turn to see Kelly in her gear, ready to start our scheduled session. “Are you ready?”
“Would you be upset if I skipped it tonight? I think I’m coming down with something.” The Ben Stone flu, I think to myself.
“No, that’s fine. I hope you feel better. I’m off for the next few days. I’ll catch up with you when I get back.”
“Sounds good. Thanks, Kelly.”
This will be the first time I pass up my Taekwondo session. I can’t make this a habit. I need that in my life like I need food and water. It’s my security blanket.
Feeling out of sorts, I stand in place to take a good look around the first level. Maybe a massage will help relax me? I don’t want to go back to my apartment yet. Both Ben and I have only one bedroom in our apartments, so privacy is not something the lovebirds have at the moment. By hanging out here, maybe I can give Andrea and Rob some alone time. Someone should be having sex if not me.
After a massage, I feel a bit better, although not much. Deciding I gave the happy couple enough time alone, I decide to head home. Some of the regulars nod as I walk by them. I see the same faces every time I come here. A few of the men have approached me, but it seems they finally got the hint. A random smile, a nod or wave is all I get now. The women haven’t been as friendly as the men. Except for Kelly and a few others, none of them pay any attention to me.
I’m probably known as the bitchy shrew.
Just outside the gym, I pull out my phone to text Andrea.
I’m on my way back. Please be sure Rob is wearing pants.
The last thing I need to see is Rob’s naked ass when I walk through my door. She responds immediately.
No worries, we’re done and watching a movie now.
Great.
A half a block away, Ben stands talking to a pretty blonde. As I’m debating on ducking back inside, he looks up and sees me. The blonde follows his gaze and looks over as well.
He continues to stare. Otherwise, he makes no effort to acknowledge me. Deciding on being the more mature person, I walk straight to him. It’s the direction I need to go, and he’s in my way.
“Hey,” I say casually.
“Ella.”
“Wait, this is Ella? The one you called the night you dumped me?” The blonde eyes me up and down. “Isn’t she the one you were staring at through the window? I thought you didn’t know her?” she accuses him while still staring at me.
Ben completely ignores her.
He made that call while he was with her? Ugh, that’s so gross.
Was he staring at me while I was at the gym? Fuck, that’s so hot.
Ben throws her an icy glare before saying, “Like I said, Ella is a friend.” He introduces us to each other. She gives me a fake smile before stepping closer to Ben and saying, “So, are you ready?”
“Nat, I told you that I have an early day tomorrow.”
“No, what you said was Rob was staying with you, and besides you have an early day tomorrow. That’s when I said we’d go to my place, right before Ella interrupted.”
Oh my God, really?
Ben narrows his eyes at her but doesn’t respond. I can’t tell if he’s annoyed with her or because I ruined his plans.
I pat Ben on the chest. “You’re in luck. Rob is hanging at my place with Andrea. They’re watching a movie, so you have a few hours at least.” I plaster the best genuine smile I can muster on my face, and say, “It was nice meeting you, Nat.”
Without a backward glance, I walk to the corner and turn out of their view. It’s not a direct route home, but I’d rather walk through the Hudson River at the moment just to avoid him.
The long walk home helps me remove the emotion from the ridiculous situation I was just forced to endure. By the time I reach my apartment, it’s not anger I feel. He has every right to fuck who he wants. We are nothing. He owes me nothing. Even calling ourselves friends would be a stretch. We are merely acquaintances who share best friends…end of fucking story.
In my apartment, Rob and Andrea are cuddled on the couch watching their movie. “Hey, are you okay?” Rob asks when I close the door behind me.
“Yeah, why?”
“Ben said to text him when you got home. He wanted to make sure you made it safely.”
What the fuck?
“I’m fine. I’m not sure what he’s talking about, but you can tell him I’m very capable of taking care of myself.”
“Okay, what happened? Andrea mutes the TV while watching me closely. “Don’t roll your eyes at me, missy,” she scolds.
“Nothing happened. As I was leaving the gym, I ran into Ben and Nat. After a very short, oh so pleasant conversation, I left. That’s all there is to tell.”
I storm through the living room and slam my bedroom door shut…so much for leaving my anger on the walk home.
As I sit on my bed, chastising my fucking behavior, Andrea knocks and enters without waiting for an invitation.
“What is going on with you?” She never beats around the bush. I’ve always appreciated that about her. Now I resent it. I shouldn’t be forced to explain my behavior when I can’t even make sense of it myself.
“I don’t know.” I decide on honesty. Denying and playing games only gets me in trouble with Andrea.
“What don’t you know? If you like him?”
“More like why I like him.” I regret the words immediately. “Andrea, please don’t take this as a green light to force things. He’s not interested. He may think I’m pretty, and he may be attracted to me, but that’s as far as it goes. It would be no different than you pushing me onto Peter, forcing it to be more than it was. Besides, he looked very chummy with Nat.”
“Nat’s a skank. They were an ‘unfortunate coupling’ and nothing more. They aren’t soul mates.”
“Neither are we.” She sighs and rolls her eyes in her exaggerated way. “Hear me out. For your theory of fate to be true, you need two willing parties.”
She sits quietly, considering what I just said. “You’re right.”
“Shocking admission. Thank you.”
“Not so fast.” She shakes her head condescendingly. “You both are willing parties. It’s not fate’s fault that one of you is being a prick, and the other is being stubborn.”
“Am I the prick?”
“Cute.”
“Andrea, you promised you’d stay out of it.”
“Relax, I meant it when I said I wouldn’t meddle any longer. I trust fate. What you need to do my friend is to trust it, too.” She kisses my cheek and leaves my room.
Fate can kiss my ass.
I stayed in bed a bit longer than I should have. I can’t seem to get my ass in gear today. When it gets dangerously close to a point where nothing will get me to work on time, I finally drag my sorry ass to the bathroom. While in the shower, I can hear Andrea animatedly talking to someone. I’m not sure if she’s on the phone or if Rob is here. As soon as I turn the water off, her voice lowers. Curious as to whom she’s talking to, and most likely about me, I put on a robe and walk out into the living room. Rob stands facing her, in his uniform. Behind him, my breath catches in my throat from the absolutely stunning vision of Ben in his uniform.
His hat sits low over his eyes. His broad shoulders fill out his decorated jacket like a second skin. His brown eyes sear right through me, forcing me to stand immobile in a state of aroused shock.
He meets my gaze before his eyes skim down and back up in slow motion. The air in my apartment suddenly becomes stifling. The heavy towel wrapped around my wet hair feels like it weighs a thousand pounds.
Andrea gives me a toothy smile when she looks at me. “Rob forgot his badge at Ben’s. I’m going to walk over and grab it with him and then head to work. I’ll see you there.”
“Ben, I’ll meet you downstairs.”
Before we realize it, they quickly exit my apartment, leaving us alone. Ben has yet to say a word. His expression is a mixture of anger and impatience. His nostrils flare slightly with each breath.
He’s in my apartment. This is my home. He has no right bringing his prick-like attitude here. “Why are you here?”
“Rob thought he left his badge here when he couldn’t find it at my place.”
“Why are you in uniform?”
“Funeral.” His eyes travel my body for the second time. “Can you please go put some clothes on?” he spits out through clenched teeth.
“Screw you,” I respond with venom dripping from each word. My blood simmers, yet the heat settling in my chest is not from anger. I self-consciously tighten the belt of my robe to try and hide any evidence of my arousal.
“I’m sorry,” he says hesitantly. As he steps closer, his expression softens. “I didn’t mean to sound so mean.” He closes the remaining gap, coming toe to toe with me. He towers over me in my bare feet. The combination of his heated expression and the uniform he wears makes it impossible for me to breathe normally. “It’s just that…” He stops abruptly, shaking his head in frustration.
“That what?”
“That it’s hard enough for me to resist you without you adding to my torment.”
I gape awkwardly at his admission. He doesn’t give me a chance to respond. When his hand reaches out to pull the towel off of my head, I release the breath I didn’t realize I was holding. My hair tumbles down around my shoulders. He lifts a fistful and brings it to his face, inhaling deeply. “Ella, this is impossible for me to understand.”
I don’t know how to respond to that. I could easily admit that I’ve been unable to get him off of my mind. How the sight of him here in uniform, inches from my pulsing body, is the worst form of torture I’ve ever felt in my entire life. It’s not as if he expects me to speak. That’s evident when he digs both hands into my damp hair and pulls me in for a kiss. I grab the lapels of his uniform, ensuring he doesn’t move any further away. I need him pressed up against me. I need to feel his arousal through the thin fabric of my robe, to know he’s as dangerously close to losing control as I am.
With one hand, he removes his hat and tosses it on the floor. He never breaks our kiss as he slides his free hand to my lower back, applying enough pressure to force me further against his hardness. I can’t stand it any longer. If he were to take me right here, right now, I wouldn’t be able to stop him. The realization scares me to death. I forcefully push against his body to break the hold he has on my mind and my soul.
He looks confused for a split second until the same clarity seeps into his thoughts.
“I’m sorry,” he repeats, remorsefully. “I can’t keep doing this to you. I can’t help myself.” My robe gapes open, pulling his attention downwards. “You’re so beautiful, Ella.” I look down to find my robe exposing the tops of my breasts. I hastily adjust it to cover myself up. A lump forms in my throat from the barrage of emotions I’m feeling.
Loss of contact forces sadness. Loss of my control forces loathing.
When he’s kind and caring, he’s so perfect. He’s everything I want in a man. I have to remind myself that is only part of the real Ben Stone. The other part, the real part, will hurt me.
“Ben, you need to stop. You’re torturing me.” As soon as the words pass my lips, I regret them instantly.
“I don’t know if I can promise that, Ella.” He bends to retrieve his hat before slowly walking to the door. With his back to me, he says, “I’m sorry.”
Once again, he leaves me cursing the day I met him.
I’d love nothing more than to get back to my bed and stay there for days. Andrea and I have an update meeting with Razzo. It’s the last thing I want to do in my current frame of mind. The responsible adult in me forces my ass to get dressed and get to work.