I pace the floor like I’m trying to form a groove in it as Axle watches me. I still don’t know why Vanessa started crying last night. That wasn’t exactly the reaction I was going for. I mean, I got that too. I know she came, but then the explosion of waterworks stole my moment of pride and replaced it with worry.

Did I hurt her?

Does she regret it?

Why was she crying?

She, wouldn’t look at me on the drive home, instead sniffling as she watched the buildings transform into a streak of light outside the car window. When I asked her if she was okay, she just clammed up saying she was tired. As soon as we got home she disappeared into her bedroom for the night and I paced the floor.

Axle tilts his head as if he’s asking me what I’m doing.

“I dunno, bud. I’m not sure what the hell is going on. I may have screwed the pooch on this one,” I look up at his furry face. “sorry, it’s just an expression,” I laugh at the perplexed look on his face.

All morning Vanessa’s house has been filled with all kinds of Hollywood goons who need her for one reason or another. It hasn’t exactly left any time for her and I to talk about what happened. I can hear her in the other room saying goodbye to the latest crowd as they shuffle out the door.

“Gabe?” she yells down the hall.

“Yeah?” I call out my bedroom door.

“I’ve got to get to the studio, are you ready to go?”

I look at Axle, his mournful eyes seem to tell me what my gut already knows. Vanessa never just bellows to me from the other room, she’s always tracked me down and talked to me when she needs anything. She’s avoiding me.

“Yep, we’re good to go,” I push the thought from my mind and nod toward the door. “Come on boy,” I talk to Axle, “let’s get this show on the road.”

He, hops up spryly, happy to do something besides watch me try to pace the finish off the hardwood floor. He quickly prances down the hallway in front of me, wagging his little nub at Vanessa and rushing over to her. For the first time since last night, she smiles. It’s at my dog, but at least I know she’s not somehow shattered by what we shared.

“The driver is waiting for us. I’m all set if you are?” Vanessa doesn’t look at me as she talks. For all I know she could be talking to my dog.

“We’re ready,” I nod curtly.

We silently leave the house and all three of us pile into the back of the town car. Axle immediately lies on the floor at our feet being as unobtrusive as possible. As soon as we slam the car doors shut, the driver heads off toward the studio. I know he can hear us, we don’t have any kind of privacy screen between us and him, but I still need to find out what’s going on with Vanessa.

“Hey, so, are you okay?” I rub my hand over my scruffy chin. I forgot to shave this morning, that’s how distracted this whole thing has me.

“Yeah, totally,” she answers breezily as she rummages through her purse.

“Are you sure, cause last night…”

“I’m sorry, but I’ve got to check in with Fiona before we get to the studio,” she plucks her phone from her purse and hits her agent’s number before I have a chance to say another word.

Okay then. So much for that.

I stare out into the Los Angeles landscape, sun-bleached and worn down. It’s suiting that this place looks like this. I think a lot of people come here full of hope and big dreams about making it in this city, but just like the sun streaked buildings with crumbling foundations, they get worn down and burned out. I half listen as Vanessa mostly mutters a series of “uh-huhs” and “okays.” It certainly doesn’t sound like an urgent call she needed to make. But I guess she thought it was better than talking to me.

What the fuck did I do? Did I fuck up this thing before we even got a real chance with it? I haven’t felt anything for a woman since, well, not since the last one I loved broke my heart. I swore off losing control. I swore off letting my feelings cloud my judgement. Now I finally meet someone who makes me second guess all of that, and I’ve ruined it. The worst part is, I have no idea how.

The car pulls into the security gate and he flashes his card at the guard. In seconds, we’re on the lot. I open the car door and Axle and I step outside into the blinding sunlight. For a second, less than that, the high sun blots out the building and it feels like I’m in the desert again. The moment is fleeting, but it’s enough to make me feel sick to my stomach. I take a deep, shaky breath and push the vision of Afghanistan as far from my mind as I can.

Vanessa walks up beside me and leads the way through the maze of chaos inside the studio doors. There are tons of people, all of them buzzing like bees in a hive, some setting up lights, some holding makeup bags that look like suitcases, some setting up a long table of snacks and drinks, all of them looking like they think they are very important.

I scope out the exits, soak in the scene from right to left, looking for menacing faces or things out of place. I know my job as Vanessa’s security detail isn’t really necessary, but it’s more a force of habit than anything. Axle seems to be on the same page as me, his nose is to the ground like he’s sniffing out a bomb. Maybe we both need to learn to relax a little. Suddenly Axle’s ears shoot forward and he gives a deep, faint growl. I look up at what he’s spotted and don’t disagree with his assessment as I see Erik heading over to us.

“Vanessa! Got the first day jitters? Don’t, you’re going to do fine,” Erik rambles without letting her respond. It gives me satisfaction when I see her roll her eyes at him. I stand back and try to stay out of the banter.

“Hey Erik,” her voice is lifeless.

“So, I know it’s not even nine yet and I’m talking about drinks, but after we wrap today a few of us are going to grab some cocktails at Hemingway’s Lounge, you interested?” He doesn’t look at her when he asks, instead frowning at some dust on his shoe.

“No, I don’t think …”

“Here, can you hold this?” He thrusts his fancy latte in my hand and cuts Vanessa off as he leans over and rubs his hand over the scuff on his toe. I want to toss the stupid foamy drink at his head, but force myself to breathe and let it go. Vanessa is already acting weird around me, I don’t think fucking things up for her on set will win me any favors.

Axle gives a low growl and Erik pops up straight looking down at him. “He’s friendly isn’t he?” His voice gives away his fear and I smirk a little at what a baby he is.

“Yeah, he’s trained,” I answer.

Erik puffs out his chest and looks at me from the corner of his eye, “You know, I don’t know if you’re trying for some kind of specific look with those scars or what, but if you ever want to look more Don Quixote than Quasimodo, I’ve got a plastics guy that can work wonders,” he smiles as I grit my teeth together. Satisfied that he poked the bear, he turns on his heel, walking away.

I crush my hand into a fist and his latte explodes like a geyser out from my palm and drips over my skin down to the floor. Axle whines, but I don’t flinch at the hot liquid spilling over my skin. In my mind, I can easily see me squeezing his pencil neck in my hand until his blood pops out of his head the same way his fancy coffee just did.

“Don’t let him get to you,” Vanessa leans into me and whispers. “Look, there’s nothing for you to do on the set anyway, why don’t you and Axle chill in my trailer. You can just relax for a bit and I will join you between runs,” she rubs her hand down the length of my arm reassuringly. It’s the first time she’s touched me since last night and it soothes the fire burning in my soul.

I look deep into her eyes and want to grab her. I want to kiss her. I want to throw her over my shoulder and find other ways to “spend time” in her trailer and talk afterward until the day slips away into night and then back into day.

Instead, I hold out my hand and let her drop the key down into my palm. “Okay,” I answer, watching her silently as she walks away.