Alissa
Nate hadn’t returned by the time I finished showering, so I dressed in a pair of leggings and a sweatshirt he’d brought for me, then pulled on a pair of clean socks. Nate must have gone shopping for me while I slept. He was so thoughtful. I now had several different outfits to wear. I slipped my shoes on, then ran Nate’s comb through my hair.
Taking a deep breath, I went to search for Nate.
Silence greeted me as I stepped out into the corridor. Everyone must have gone to bed, which meant the sun must be rising, because these guys slept during the day and became active at night.
I soon determined that Nate must still be above ground. I didn’t know my way out of the maze, but I did know about the escape hatch. Would the dregs care if I used the escape hatch to go to the surface to find Nate? I would make sure to pull the ladder up behind me and close the door so that no one would discover the entrance into their hideout.
My decision made, minutes later, I was climbing up the ladder, then pulling it back up into the closet. I went out into the dark, decrepit mansion and closed the closet door behind me.
Ancient wood creaked and groaned beneath my feet as I crept cautiously in search of a doorway that might lead out into the woods. That angry ghost returned, swirling around me like a dark shroud, making goosebumps jerk to attention on my skin. If I wasn’t so determined to find Nate, I would probably climb back down the ladder where it was safe. I didn’t know if a ghost could actually hurt a person like in the movies. But this thing creeped me out. It was not friendly.
Doing my best to ignore the hovering spirit, I found the main entrance several moments later. With a relief, I stepped out into the forest. It was raining. A cool drizzle. I guessed it was around 60 degrees out, but the rain made it feel colder. I pulled the hoodie of the sweatshirt up over my head. The ghost didn’t follow me outside. It appeared to be confined to the old plantation home.
The sun was just rising in the east. It was still dark here in the trees, but the sky was slowly lighting up. I walked around the mansion toward the entrance of the maze.
“Nate?” I called. “Are you out here?”
I moved on through the trees, cautiously stepping around fallen branches, and keeping my gaze alert for Nate.
I reached a large boulder and paused. Where was he? Had I missed him somehow? Had he left the plantation? If so, where had he gone?
The rain fell harder now, but I didn’t care. I sat on the boulder and welcomed the cool moisture, tipping my face to the sky. The sparring bout with Tony had done incredibly miraculous things to my soul. I felt lighter, freer, less broken, than I had in years. Ready to take on the world. The rain had a similar freeing effect on me, like a final cleansing of my soul. I wouldn’t have been able to do that with Nate—hitting and punching and kicking him. That would have felt so wrong. But Tony and I were, well, not exactly enemies, but not friends either, and it had felt so good to hit him, to lash out and fight back, to take out my pain and frustration on him. Tony had helped me a lot more than I’d expected, and I was grateful for his unexpected sacrifice. I only hoped I hadn’t hurt him too much. A budding respect was building between us. Maybe he and I could actually end up as friends someday.
A faint whisper of sound behind me caused me to jerk upright and spin around in alarm.
Nate stood beneath the canopy of trees behind me, drenched by the rain, his gaze hooded as he stared at me. “What are you doing out here?” he demanded, his voice rough. “You should be inside.”
I hesitated. He didn’t sound happy to see me. In fact, he sounded worried. Upset. What was wrong?
I waited until he reached me. He paused, staring down at me. His gaze softened. “You’re getting soaked,” he murmured, his voice huskier than normal.
So are you. I let my gaze rake over him. He was so gorgeous in that moment, his dark hair plastered to his head, soaking wet with rain, droplets of water dripping down his face, his clothes drenched, his muscles clearly outlined beneath the wet T-shirt. Wasn’t he cold? God help me, I was completely smitten with this man. Nate did something powerful to me that I couldn’t explain. It went much, much deeper than just a physical attraction. I felt a strong, unexplainable connection to him. A bond unlike anything I’d ever imagined before.
I stared into his eyes, unable to look away. “I like the rain. It’s…cleansing.”
He reached a hand out to touch my cheek, gently brushing his thumb along my jaw. Just that simple touch felt so amazing. I stepped closer to him. He stepped closer to me. It was like an invisible magnetic pull sucking us together. Powerful. Undeniable.
Then he lowered his head, his gaze locking on mine.
My breath caught. I couldn’t move even if I’d wanted to. I craved his touch. His kiss. His closeness. I craved him.
He paused, his lips so close, but not quite touching. His gaze searched mine, his irises turning a deep, dark green. What was he looking for? Willingness? Acceptance?
Anticipation arced through me. I wanted him to kiss me, so badly. Just kiss me, already. Please.
He stepped back. “You’re not ready for this.”
What? I followed him, not wanting to lose the connection. “What do you mean? How can you say that? I am ready. For you, I’ll always be ready. I want you to kiss me. Please.”
Something flashed in his eyes. Pain? “You’ve been through hell,” he argued, though his words were gentle. “You’re nowhere near ready for what I want—for what I need—right now.”
What did that mean? What did he need? Was he saying he still thought of me as a victim? That he thought I was weak? That he might hurt me? Would he ever think of me as anything more than that? Would he ever think of me as a woman?
Heat washed into my face. His rejection stung. “Will I ever be anything more than a victim to you?”
“Alissa…” Frustration was evident in his voice, in his actions as he turned away from me and rubbed a hand over his face. “It’s not like that. Just the opposite. I have to keep reminding myself that you’ve been hurt, to take this slow, because if I touch you…God...I don’t know if I will be able to stop, and you’re not ready for that. I have to exercise great restraint when I’m around you. If you knew of all the things I’ve fantasized about doing to you…” He spun back around, his gaze searing on mine. “You need more time to heal. I refuse to take advantage of you in your vulnerable state.”
How dare he? He didn’t get to decide if I was too vulnerable or what I was ready for. That was for me to decide.
What about what I needed?
“What about all the things I’ve fantasized about doing with you?” I countered, meeting his gaze head-on. “I spent three years, Nate. Three years wallowing in misery and feeling sorry for myself, but the moment I met you, a spark of life returned inside me. You made me want to live again. You made me feel again. How do you think I survived what the Spartans did to me? By pretending I was somewhere else. With you. By thinking about you. By imagining you were making love to me–” I broke off with a startled gasp as he stepped forward and dragged me against him.
“Don’t tempt me,” he growled, his mouth next to my ear. “I’m not a saint. I want you. Fuck, I want you, but I’m not touching you until you’re sure you’re ready.”
I turned my face toward him, brushing my lips against his, wanting him to see I was ready. So ready.
He stilled. Then he swore.
And finally, he drew me closer, settling a hand at the back of my head, guiding my mouth to his. He settled his other hand at the base of my spine, pressing my pelvis against his.
He opened his mouth over mine, hungrily, greedily. And I let him in willingly. Gave willingly. And took for myself. Our tongues tangled and meshed together. Our bodies pressed closer. Our hands explored. Our hearts raced. Our souls intertwined.
The kiss was hot. Sensual. A mutual exploration, a deep claiming. I took him in. All of him. His taste, his smell, his very essence. It was incredible. He was incredible. He brought me back to life. And for the moment, he was mine.
Finally, he was kissing me. And it was so wonderful.
The rain kept falling down on us, a cool drizzle that seeped into our clothes. Nate was the fire to my rain, heating the coldness inside me, and together, we washed our demons away. I swore our passion was so hot it turned the cool rain into steam around us. And still we kissed, and kissed, as if nothing else existed but the two of us. It was magical. It was heaven.
He walked me backward two steps. Three. Until I bumped up against a tree trunk. And all the while, he kept kissing me, devouring me, leaving no doubt he thought of me as a woman, and not a helpless victim. His hands roamed up and down my sides, gently exploring, then pausing on my hips to hold me still as he rocked against me with a low moan. I closed my eyes and let out a soft gasp at the feel of his erection pressing into me. I had no doubt he wanted me. It was a heady feeling after being so damaged, so untouchable for so many years. Nate truly wanted me.
I slipped my hands up inside his shirt, the smooth, damp ridges of his muscles hot beneath my touch. God, he was so sexy. Desire raged through me. Heat pooled in my core, an intense, persistent throbbing. I wanted this. So badly. I wanted Nate to claim me. Possess me. Make me his. Three years was a long time without sex. But it wasn’t just the sex I craved.
It was Nate. Only Nate. In any way I could have him.
Suddenly, the rain stopped. Small beams of sunlight filtered in through the trees as the clouds rolled away. Nate leaned back, breathing heavily, his eyes dark and hooded.
“We can’t do this here.” His voice was thick with passion. “We’re both soaking wet, and it’s cold. And the sun’s coming up. This is all wrong.” He shook his head back and forth.
I agreed. I wanted our first time to be special. “Your room?”
He closed his eyes and let out a harsh breath. “I’m not…that’s not…you’re not…” he trailed off, then sighed and opened his eyes. “I want to do this right, Alissa. I want you to enjoy it. I don’t want you to be afraid. I want you to be ready. You’re not just a quick roll in the hay to me. You know that, right?”
My heart warmed at the admission. That was good, because he meant a hell of a lot more to me than a quick roll in the hay, too.
I took his hand. “I’m not afraid,” I admitted. “For the first time in three years, I’m not afraid. For the first time in three years, I actually want to be with a man.” I paused, looking into his eyes. “Your room?” I repeated, hopeful.
He hesitated, then jerked his head in a nod. He pulled me forward, heading into the underground maze. I hurried to keep up in the dark tunnels, and after a few minutes, he paused to push me up against a wall and kiss me again. His mouth was hot over mine, possessive, and so damn addictive. I was on fire with need. It had been so long since I’d felt desire for a man, and I knew in my heart Nate was the only man who would ever stir this kind of passion in me ever again. I kissed him back hungrily, letting my hands roam all over his perfect masculinity.
Finally, he leaned back, breathing heavily. “Goddammit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to maul you.” He sighed. “You make me lose my fucking head.” I couldn’t see him in the dark tunnel, but I felt his gaze on me, scrutinizing.
A second passed. Two. What was he thinking? What was he seeing? Was there arousal in my eyes? God knew I wanted him.
I shivered, my damp skin growing cold now that he’d moved away.
He took my hand and moved off into the maze again, hurrying forward with an urgency I felt deep in my bones. Our eagerness to be together was thick in the air around us, like a heavy mist. Undeniable. I’d never been so anxious, so eager to have a man’s hands on me before.
A small part of my brain kept trying to argue with me, trying to say that Nate was right, that it was too soon. That we needed to take this slow. That I really wasn’t ready for fast and rough, that I needed slow and gentle.
I shoved it aside, refusing to listen. I was too impatient for slow. Right now, I just needed him in any way I could have him. Even if it was fast and rough. I just needed him. To connect with him. To touch him. To feel him against me. To remind me I was still a woman. And not a victim.
At last we reached the corridor with the doors. He stopped in front of his apartment. He pushed the door open and pulled me inside. Then he closed and locked the door. He turned to me, his gaze hot.
And then it hit me with a rush what I was about to do. Sex. With Nate.
The brutal rape of three years ago had left me so broken, so damaged inside that I hadn’t even looked at a man with interest since then. I’d been nothing but a walking zombie. Now I was about to end my long abstinence. Was I really ready?
I did want Nate. I truly did. But not in a heated rush. I wasn’t healed all the way yet. One bout of sparring in the ring hadn’t completely cured me. I still had some healing to do. And rushing into sex—especially, wild, frantic sex—was not the best way to heal. It might even send me back over the edge.
Nate didn’t speak as I stepped away from him, avoiding his gaze. My heart pounded while I tried to figure out how to explain that I didn’t think I was ready for fast and furious. I needed slow and gentle this first time, but could he do slow and gentle? I wasn’t sure how he liked it. Was he one of those dominant men who always had to be in control, or would he willingly let me take the lead, which was what I knew in my heart I needed right now. I needed to be in control to help me finish healing.
He followed me, backing me up against the wall.
I gasped.
My legs trembled.
And suddenly, I was afraid. What if I had a panic attack? What if that night came back to haunt me and ruined everything?
“Alissa, look at me.” It was a gentle command, one I couldn’t ignore. He waited patiently until I finally looked into his eyes. “I can sense your fear. I don’t want you to be afraid. I would rather cut off my arm than hurt you. We don’t have to do this right now. Or ever, for that matter. Just say the word, and I’ll leave.”
Did he not want me, after all? Or was he just trying to help me to relax? I hesitated. I wanted this. I just wanted to go slow. Ease into it. Take my time getting to know his body and make myself comfortable with the situation. “I do want this. I just…I need…Are you okay with me taking the lead?”
His eyes filled with tenderness, something I didn’t expect. “By all means, darlin’, take the lead.” He paused, his gaze searching mine. “This is about you, not me. You’ll be in control of everything that happens.”
Darlin’. He’d called me darlin’. The way he said the endearment in that sexy, southern drawl made heat pool in my loins. Darlin’.
I swallowed hard, my face heating as I admitted, “I think I need…slow and gentle this first time. I mean…it’s been so long and I…well, is that okay with you? I mean, can you… do that?”
His gaze softened, but also heated at the same time. “I will give you whatever you need, however you need it.” His voice was heavy with promise and thick with desire, his southern drawl more pronounced. He kissed me gently, sucking my bottom lip into his mouth, then drew back. “As long as you need it.” His eyes blazed with unmistakable desire. “I’m willing to try anything you want. I’ll lock the door and bar the other dregs out for days, weeks… however long it takes. I’m totally committed to getting to know you in every way. You lead me toward the flame, Alissa, and I’ll follow you right into the fire.” His hot gaze smoldered into mine.
Oh my God. Was he serious? Did he really have that much patience? Was he really willing to do whatever I wanted? As long as I wanted?
Was he even real? What man did that?
My breathing quickened. Desire coiled deep in my loins. Heat swept through me, hot and fierce. I was already heading straight into the flame. I wanted to burn. With him. For a long, long time. I wouldn’t need days or weeks. I might not even last minutes.
I needed Nate to make me feel like a woman again. Only he could do that. Only he could give me what I needed.
He was handing that control over to me. Willingly. A tingle of excitement raced through me. Then anticipation. All my fears disappeared in a rush. I took his hand and led him toward the bathroom, feeling brave and powerful. The cool rain falling down on us had been erotic, but a warm shower would make us burn.
I had been with many men in my younger years—and no, I wasn’t proud of that fact—but never had I done something as intimate as showering with a man. I wanted to experience that with Nate. I had no doubt that with him, it would not only be very intimate, but special. Hot.
Nate stood still while I lifted his shirt, letting me peel the wet clothes off him. His torso was sleek and wet, muscles bunching as he freed his arms and tossed the shirt aside.
My breath caught, snagging in my throat at the sight of his pure masculine beauty. I reached out and gently pressed my palm against his heart. Then I leaned closer and pressed my ear to his chest.
Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump.
His heart beat in a normal, steady rhythm. I wasn’t sure what I’d expected. A wild, crazy, erratic heartbeat? I lifted my head and glanced at the scar higher up on his chest over his pacemaker. I’d never met anyone with a pacemaker before. That little device in his chest was what kept him alive.
I pulled my gaze to his. “Can you, um, I mean, how much exercise can your heart handle? Is sex okay?”
His lips twitched. “It’s perfectly fine. In fact, regular exercise is good for me. It helps keep my heart healthy.”
I glanced back down at his impressive chest. Regular exercise, my ass. The man had to exercise a whole hell of a lot to be as muscular as he was. “What constitutes regular?”
He shrugged. “One to two hours a day, on average.”
“One to two hours?” I stared up at him, shocked. “You work out for that long every day? That’s not too much for your…condition?”
He smirked. “My condition? The only difference is that my heart needs the pacemaker to beat properly. Technically, I’m supposed to avoid contact sports, such as sparring, because taking hits or falling can dislodge my pacemaker or shift the wires in my heart. But I’m pretty careful. The other dregs know not to hit me near my heart or my pacemaker.”
O-kay. That was why Noah had been careful with Nate in the ring.
I glanced back at his chest. God, he was beautiful. So raw and powerful and perfectly male. I wanted to kiss his nipples, run my tongue around each one. I’d never done that before. I’d never wanted to. Until Nate.
I leaned forward and pressed soft kisses all over his chest, then gently flicked my tongue over his left nipple, tasting him. He tensed, his muscles tightening beneath my lips. Growing braver, I covered his nipple with my mouth and sucked, swirling my tongue over and around his nipple.
He hissed out a breath, but still didn’t move, letting me have my way with him. A smile touched my lips. Did he like this? I’d heard that some men didn’t like their nipples touched, while others did. Oh God, what if he hated it and was only enduring it to make me happy?
I lifted my head and looked into his eyes. “Do you…like that?”
“God, yes,” he whispered, his voice hoarse. His eyes were dark and swirling with lust. I had no doubt he liked what I was doing. I felt powerful, in control, for the first time in years.
I reached for the front of his jeans. I wanted to see all of him. My hands suddenly became clumsy, and it took me three tries to finally unbutton the front closure at the top of his jeans. His hand covered mine, halting me as I was about to pull the zipper down.
I jerked my gaze back to his.
“I have to ask you what your intentions are, young lady.”
I choked and stared up at him. What? Had he just cracked a joke? Nate was such a serious guy, it was hard to tell.
He smirked. “I was being facetious because I’m nervous. Go on. But beware. I might embarrass myself if you tease me too much.”
A smile touched my lips. He was nervous, too? That was so endearing. I didn’t want to embarrass him. Nor did I want to tease. I just wanted to explore. This was therapeutic for me, slowly getting used to a man’s body again without fear. I should probably explain that to him so he understood.
“I’m just exploring.” My face heated at the admission. I couldn’t look him in the eye, so I stared at his six-pack abs. “I need to get used to a man’s body again without fear. I hope…that’s okay with you. I mean, God, your body is hot, so it’s easy to get lost in looking at you and not being afraid. And, I mean, it’s you, so I’m not really afraid, I’m just easing myself back into the idea of intimacy again, and…” I trailed off, heat scalding my cheeks, as he gently turned my face toward his.
“It’s okay,” he whispered. “Take your time. And remember, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. We can stop at any time.”
I nodded and focused on the front of his jeans again. I pulled the zipper down. Thankfully, he had on a pair of boxers, so when I pushed the jeans down his legs, he wasn’t completely exposed. Nate helped me, stepping out of the jeans and setting them aside, along with his socks and shoes.
I was suddenly uncomfortable. “I, um, will you turn the water on in the shower while I get undressed?”
He watched me for a moment, then stepped over to the shower and turned on the water. He turned back to me, his gaze curious. “Am I getting in?”
“Yes.”
He waited, then asked, “With my boxers?”
Heat washed into my face. Why was I suddenly so nervous? It wasn’t as if this was my first time.
It’s your first time with Nate. That’s why you’re so nervous.
I choked out a laugh. “Of course not. Take them off.”
I turned my back to him while he shucked the boxers and stepped under the water. Then, with a surge of determination, I quickly stripped off my wet clothes and turned toward him. He amazingly kept his gaze on my face as I walked toward the shower stall. I wasn’t sure if I should be impressed or insulted. Did he not want to look at my body? Or was he just being courteous, trying not to frighten me with a lustful look?
He held a hand out to me and I took it, letting him pull me in.
He eased me under the spray with him, his gaze never leaving mine. He was careful not to let our bodies touch, which was both a relief and a frustration. I wanted to be closer. I wanted to touch. Yet a part of me was still unsure about the situation.
You’re the one in charge here. He’s letting you take control.
That was right. I was in charge.
I grabbed a bottle of shampoo off the rack. “Turn around,” I ordered, feeling brave and powerful. He obediently turned his back to me. I squirted some shampoo on his head, then began massaging into it his hair. He tilted his head back so I could reach him better. Then he groaned softly as I gently scrubbed his scalp.
“God, that feels good.” Heat coiled in my loins at the husky timbre of his voice.
My desire was returning. Washing a man was very erotic. I took my time cleaning him, washing his entire body, rubbing the bar of soap over his muscles everywhere, enjoying the sleek feel of his hard, sexy body beneath my hands. Nate was built. So perfect. I would never tire of touching him. I was cautious as I cleaned him below the waist, my hands shaking a little as I rubbed the soap over and around his erection. It didn’t scare me. Rather, it fascinated me. Knowing that I made him thick and heavy with desire was a heady feeling. He was attracted to me. He wanted me. I hadn’t felt attractive, or truly wanted, in a long time. I hadn’t felt sexy in years.
I ran my hands over his length, gently squeezing. He let out a soft moan and bucked into my hand.
I jerked back, dropping the soap, my face flaming. Whoa girl. Slow it down.
“It’s okay,” he whispered, his voice husky with desire. “I didn’t mean to frighten you. I can’t help my reaction to you. You can touch me wherever you want.” Taking my hand, he pressed it against his heart. “Feel that wild, crazy thumping? That’s what you do to me, Alissa. Only you.”
Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thumb. Thump thumb.
His heart was beating as fast as mine. I lifted my gaze to his. There was heat in his eyes. Tenderness. Patience.
He bent to retrieve the soap. “I think I’m plenty clean now. Thank you. I enjoyed every moment of that. Can I…wash you now?”
I swallowed hard. My knees trembled at the thought of those big, strong hands on me.
Yes. Hell, yes.
I looked deeply into his eyes, letting him know that I trusted him.
“Yes.”