Alissa
I found Tony in the workout room, hitting a punching bag. He was still weak from his bullet wounds, especially the one in his hip that caused him to walk with a slight limp. He really needed to lay down and get some more rest. He needed to heal more before he put his body through so much stress. But try to convince him of that?
His gaze darted to me as I paused in front of him. “What the fuck do you want?” he growled.
“Nate sent me to find you. You really shouldn’t be doing this to yourself. You’re still trying to recover from your injuries.”
He slammed his fists into the punching bag again. Once. Twice. Three times in rapid succession. Bam. Bam. Bam.
That was obviously the wrong thing to say. I decided to throw his own words back at him, the ones he’d said to me earlier. “Don’t be an idiot. You’re injured. If you keep that up, you’ll just make yourself worse.”
He glared to me. “Maybe I want to be worse. Maybe I want to keep hitting this bag until my arms fall off and my lungs collapse and my heart stops beating. Maybe I just want to fucking die.” He slammed his fists into the bag again. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam.
There was so much misery in his eyes that I took a wary step back. Nate had sent me to retrieve Tony. I couldn’t fail Nate. Tony was obviously hurting, but he needed Nate to help him heal. I was clueless as to how to help him.
“You’re a lot of things, Tony,” I said quietly. “Mostly an asshole. But you’re not a coward. You’re not a quitter. The Tony I know doesn’t give up. Go talk to Nate. Please.”
He let out a bitter laugh. “Nate doesn’t give a fuck about me. He has you now.”
Was he jealous of me? I plopped my hands on my hips. “Is that what you think? Seriously? Nate’s your dreg partner, your best friend. You two are connected in a way that he and I will never be and you know it. I’m not trying to come between you. I just want to help you. He’s worried about you. You’ll always have him. Always. Please, go talk to him.”
Tony hesitated. He let out a sigh and stepped away from the bag. “Want to beat on me? Want to attack me in the ring? Now’s your chance. I need the abuse right now.”
I glowered at him. “Why do you think violence is the answer to everything? Haven’t you once considered something else?”
He grunted. “What else is there?”
I shook my head sadly. “Has no one ever comforted you before? Haven’t you ever been held in someone’s arms?”
He snorted. “Right. My own mother didn’t want me. Why would anyone else?” Pain flickered in his eyes before he turned away.
My heart ached for him. I’d thought I was damaged, but Tony was suffering way more than I could ever even comprehend. I couldn’t help him. But maybe Nate could. If he would just go to Nate so Nate could talk to him.
I hesitated, then reached for his hand, wanting to comfort him somehow, but fearing I might be crossing the line by touching him. Tony was like a dangerous wild animal that you kept your distance from. One wrong move, and he might attack. He acted like an ass most of the time, but underneath he was just a man who was hurting, and I couldn’t fault him for that.
Not surprisingly, he jolted at my touch, jerking his hand back. “What the fuck?”
I lifted a brow, not about to be intimidated. I knew Tony well enough now to know he wasn’t nearly as bad as he pretended to be. If you stood up to him, he respected you. But if you cowered, he pounced, going for your weak spots. I’d once been weak. Not anymore. Tony, surprisingly, had helped me deal with my issues. He no longer scared me.
“It’s called touching, you know. Comfort. When you want to offer someone comfort, you gently touch their hand or something to let them know you care.”
He scowled, then lowered his gaze, suddenly looking lost and confused. And extremely uncomfortable. It hit me then with a startling clarity that this man had probably never felt another human touch before, other than sparring with the other dregs, which was so sad.
“Nate’s waiting,” I hedged. “Come on.”
There was a long pause. Then, reluctantly, he nodded. I let out a sigh of relief and led the way back to Nate’s room. Tony was silent the entire way. When we reached Nate’s apartment, Tony went to the door first.
“You stay out.” He pointed at me. “I need to talk to him alone.”
No problem. He obviously didn’t want me to know about his issues.
Tony went in and slammed the door. Moments later, the lock clicked.
I sank down onto the floor and leaned back against the wall to wait. We may have reached an understanding of sorts, but he’d just made it plain he didn’t want me around when he talked to Nate. He wasn’t comfortable with me there. But I didn’t blame him. I was still an outsider in his eyes, the woman who had fallen in love with his best friend. The woman who—in his eyes—was stealing Nate away from him. It might take Tony awhile to get used to me being around. Eventually, he would be okay with it, right?
What if Nate didn’t want me to stick around? We’d never discussed our future. Or even if we had a future. I knew he cared about me, but that didn’t necessarily mean he wanted me to stay.
I occurred to me then that I didn’t know where I stood with Nate. We’d made love and I’d told him I loved him, but he’d never said the words back. I knew there was something special between us, something powerful, but did Nate feel the same way, and if so, would he accept what was between us or would he push me away?
When Tony finished talking with Nate, I would have to sit down with Nate and talk to him about the future. Did we have a future? And if so, what did he expect from me? I wasn’t about to hide out in an underground maze and let Nate protect me from the world for the rest of my life. I needed to be independent, too.
Plagued by all these questions, I didn’t hear Tony come out until he marched past me with a curse and headed down the hallway. I bolted to my feet. What had happened?
I went into Nate’s apartment and found him sitting up in bed, frustration evident on his face.
“Everything okay?”
He sighed and shook his head sadly. “No. Tony’s messed up. I couldn’t get through to him.”
I wished I could say or do something to ease Nate’s worry. “He’ll be all right,” I whispered. “Maybe he just needs time alone right now.”
Nate nodded, but he didn’t look convinced.
“You ready for something to eat now?”
He jerked his gaze to mine. “Yeah. Thanks.”
I left him alone with his thoughts while I fixed him something to eat.
I returned five minutes later with a bowl of soup and a buttered roll. Nate thanked me and ate in silence for several moments.
I hesitated. “I was wondering what, well…” I broke off, unsure what I was trying to say.
Nate finished the soup. I took the bowl from him and set it aside. “Don’t be afraid to talk to me, Alissa. If you’ve got something to say, say it.”
Okay, then…
“Well,” I murmured. “I was wondering what you and me, well, I can’t stay here forever. And I don’t know what you want from me, and I…”
He grabbed my hand and pulled me toward him. “You want to leave?”
No. But I don’t know how you feel about me because you never said anything.
I swallowed hard. “No, but I’m not sure where I stand with you.”
He sighed. “I have thought about us. A lot. And honestly, what kind of life could I offer you? It would be selfish of me to ask you to stay. You deserve more than living in an underground maze. I don’t have anything of significance to give you, Alissa. I’m a dreg. Why the hell would you want to be with me?”
Did he seriously believe he couldn’t have more than this? That he had nothing to offer me? That I wouldn’t want to be with him because he was a dreg?
“You make it sound like being a dreg is bad, but in my eyes, being a dreg is good. It means you’re special. Unique. And I feel privileged that I met you. You have more to offer than you realize.”
He swallowed. “Being with me could be complicated. Not to mention dangerous.”
Emotion clogged my throat. The danger I believed I could get used to. But how could it become complicated? Was he referring to Tony? And did he seriously think he couldn’t make me happy?
“I don’t understand. There’s no reason why you can’t leave here. Tracker and Jacob both made lives for themselves away from here. Why can’t you?”
He sighed. “Because I can’t leave Tony right now. He’s my partner, my best friend. If I were to abandon him right now…” he trailed off. “I’m afraid for him, Alissa. He might try to harm himself. He’s been hurting ever since he discovered The General was our biological father. It’s messing him up inside. And this latest information that his mother didn’t want him…” He sighed again. “I’m afraid he might put himself in a dangerous situation intentionally. He needs me right now, even if he doesn’t think he does. I do want to be with you, Alissa, more than anything. This is definitely a conversation we need to have. But the timing is all wrong right now. Please understand that I can’t just abandon Tony. Can you be patient with me? Give me time to make sure he’s okay? Then maybe we can take a trip somewhere. Just the two of us. And spend time just getting to know each other away from everyone else.”
“Okay.” I understood. I truly did. Tony was his best friend. And Tony needed Nate right now. I refused to be selfish and expect Nate to leave Tony, especially when Tony needed him the most. If I expected to have a relationship with Nate, then I needed to be here for him, support him, no matter what. I couldn’t be resentful of his relationship with Tony. They’d been friends long before I’d come into the picture.
“Yes, I will wait. And I would love to take a trip with you somewhere. Anywhere, actually.”
But when would that be? Nate and Tony’s bond was tight. What if Tony never got over his issues? What if Nate never felt he could leave Tony?
Then I would just have to learn to deal with that. If I loved Nate, then I needed to learn to accept his dreg bond with Tony, because that was something that would never go away. Tony would always be a part of Nate’s life, whether I wanted him to be or not.
“Thank you.” Nate looked into my eyes. “I never wanted to be a hero until I met you. I never wanted to risk my own life for anyone except my dreg brothers, until you. For you, I would risk it all. Again and again. Because that’s how much you mean to me.”
My eyes swam with tears. What Nate and I had was special. I felt it. But what if his dreg bond with Tony prevented us from being together?
“Come here,” he murmured.
I slid onto the bed next to him, and he drew me into his arms. And we held each other for a long while, not speaking, just being. He still hadn’t said he loved me. Did he love me?
Would we be able to work it all out in the end?
Or was that simply a foolish dream on my part?