30. Heidi
I left the hospital once I graduated from my wheelchair to a walker. It was ugly, and it made me feel like I belonged in the geriatric ward, but I was walking. That was all I needed. Or at least that’s what I told myself a thousand times a day. Callie had found me at my mother’s place and brought me Hope. Mom hated having a dog around, for at least the first thirty seconds. After that, no matter where Mom sat down, Hope was instantly in her lap, snuggling in for kisses from her “grandma.”
“How was physical therapy today, Heidi?” a voice called from the living room as I entered the kitchen from the garage.
“Hi, Callie. It was excruciating, as always. How are you?”
“I’m good. Hey, are you driving now?”
I laughed and shook my head. “No, I caught a Lyft. I wouldn’t trust me behind the wheel of a car with only half my leg strength.”
Callie nodded and dropped a bag from her pet store on the table. “I brought some treats from George. He’s taken to making doggy treats for Xavier, and Xav and Slinky-girl liked them so much, he sent some over for Hope.”
Hearing her name, Slinky, Callie’s little corgi mix, came skidding to a stop at my feet, her tongue lolling out of the side of her mouth as she grinned up at me.
“Hello, sweet girl. Did you come to play with Hope?” Slinky yipped at me and her whole body wagged with her tail, until she fell over on her side, still grinning up at us. She rolled over onto her back, and I rubbed her belly, and Hope came bounding in to get some love, too. “Did you bring baby-girl with you?”
Lily-Jade was one of my favorite reasons for having Callie come visit, especially now that I was looking at a future of no dating, no marriage, and no babies of my own.
“I know you said you don’t want to hear about him, but Logan’s been acting really strangely lately. I guess he finally gave up on you coming to see him and decided to sell his land and skip out.”
“LA living is expensive. He probably needed the funds to move out there.”
“LA? Why would he go there? He hates that place. More now, after everything that happened. I mean, these celebrities make so much money, would it be so bad if more of them actually did care about the causes they’re promoting, instead of trying to promote themselves?”
“What are you talking about, Callie?”
“Oh, right. It happened while you were in the long-term care hospital. Um, Logan did this big project for the World Wildlife Fund. I guess his friend Boyd got him in.”
“Callie, what happened?” I asked again, exasperated.
She blinked, her mouth a round “O.” “Some celebrity woman-child told the tabloids they were dating, because of their time together promoting the new whale-hunting restrictions. Well, you can imagine how that would make a thirty-year-old man look, supposedly dating an eighteen-year-old girl?” Callie shook her head as color rose to her cheeks. Her eyes flashed when they met mine, and hers were wet with tears.
“Callie, are you okay?”
She sniffed and blew out a breath. “He was so hurt… and… and deeply disappointed that someone he tried to help would paint that picture of him. I’m glad you missed it.”
I couldn’t answer her. My heart had become stuck in my throat. Disappointed? I bet he was. But no more disappointed than I was in myself for choosing to believe stupid tabloids instead of the man who had promised to be waiting for me if I went to him.
“Well, I wasn’t very nice to him when I was at my lowest. I kept trying to chase him away, and when he didn’t run, I did instead.”
She touched my arm and managed a wan smile for me. “It’s pretty clear that you were the only thing he wanted. He’s been down, and I think he finally found his place again. He’s moving to, um, Utah or something. He probably wants to go live in a yurt in the desert.” Callie smiled bigger. “Enough of that. A little bird told me you hadn’t had a pedicure in forever because you’re really bad at doing nice things for yourself.”
“Gee, I wonder who could’ve told you that. Okay, I can admit that I’m a little nervous about someone messing with my feet. I can also admit that means they’re nasty right now.”
“Awesome! Your mom is watching the puppies for us, and we have an appointment. I’ll drive.”
“Oh, good,” I laughed. “I was about to call us a cab.”
Callie helped me up off the floor, and Slinky gave her sad eyes before wriggling onto her stomach and scampering off after Hope, who barked her high-pitched happy bark and went tearing through the house.
“Good luck, Mom!” I laughed and let Callie hold the door to the garage so I could descend the ramp. The braces on my legs helped, but I was winded by the time I got to her RAV4 parked on the street.
Callie was in a great mood, but I kept thinking about what she’d said about Logan. After all our talks, all the time he’d spent working so hard to prove he wasn’t my father, I’d just cut him loose to spite us both. The pedicure was an expense I hadn’t counted on, but despite my dwindling savings, I didn’t want Callie to know how bad it was. I’d made good money on the sale of my house and although it had all gone to my medical bills, at least what I had left to pay for my long-term therapy was manageable for a little while longer.
The knot in my stomach from buying myself a simple mani/pedi was the last straw for me. I couldn’t bring myself to ask my mother for help with money, and in reality, the need wasn’t dire yet. I couldn’t work for Dr. Seale now; I couldn’t move among the kennels and crates, or lift animals and walk with them.
“You look sad. What’s wrong, Heidi?” Callie broke into my worried thoughts.
“Just thinking about where to work. I quit my job to work for my veterinarian, Dr. Seale? But I can’t work for him now, and I was just thinking about how much it’s going to sting, asking Eli to take me back, if I haven’t been replaced already. It’s been months since I left.”
“I didn’t realize. Is coming out with me a problem? Because it was my idea…”
“No, not at all,” I assured her. “Just sitting still gives me time to worry.” I glanced down at my new red nails. “I certainly look fancy now though; not much like a park ranger at all.”
“Do you miss it?”
“I miss being about to hike out into the wilderness and be alone, be around animals instead of people.”
“That’s why I own a pet store and work in the back. Not much hiking for me lately, though. The baby keeps me busy.”
She walked slowly beside me as we paid and exited, my legs in braces, pushing the walker in front of me like an old woman.
“You should get tennis balls for that,” Callie quipped.
“I haven’t had to because our house is all tiled. I keep hoping I do well enough to graduate to a cane and I’m putting it off.” She grinned, and I chuckled along. “I can’t see my way around it. I’ll have to ask Eli to take me back for a bit, until I find something else. I haven’t ever had to look for a job before. What will people think when I walk into job interviews like this?”
“They’ll think you’re tough and that you’ve seen a lot. Don’t worry, Heidi, you’ll end up exactly where you’re supposed to be.”
“Thanks, Callie. I hope so.”
We drove back in silence, but I felt better for having a friend to talk to. Callie had been the first Hargrave I’d met, before I’d known there was a whole clan of handsome, rugged cowboys who wore their hearts on their sleeves and protected their women like it was the old west. If I had less pride left, I would’ve hunted him down in Utah and begged his forgiveness. I glanced down at my phone. All those messages I’d opened then backed out of without reading were still sitting there, waiting for me to work up the nerve to either read them or delete them.
Callie dropped me off and picked up one exhausted, short-legged mutt, who snuggled into her arms and promptly fell asleep before she walked out the door.
Mom and Hope were napping, too, in her recliner in front of the television. I turned it off before escaping to my room to read through the text messages Logan had sent me. Not one asked why I didn’t respond, and in the end, most of them were photos and their descriptions. But the last text was the one that split my heart wide open.
You don’t pick up when I call, and you don’t read or reply to my texts. I only hope that you’re letting me go because you found something even better. You deserve it, you know. A life of beauty and peace and amazing opportunities. I love you, forever and always.
“You, Heidi West, are an asshole,” I said to myself. “He was always on your side, and you knew it. You coward.” I spat the words at my reflection in the mirror. “You got exactly what you deserved, all right. Stupid girl, playing with a man and then pretending it was his fault when you let him go.”
I called Eli and asked If I could speak with him the next morning, and he readily agreed. A good sign for me, I guessed, and glanced down at my hands as I got an outfit ready for my informal interview. If just being nice to him had given him the wrong idea months before, interviewing with him again could get interesting. I made supper and left some on the warming plate for Mom, then slipped Hope off her lap to go outside. When she had a chance to do her thing, I took her to bed with me, a soft, warm reminder of Logan and what he’d tried to build with me without me pushing back.
I laid in my bed and watched the moon rise outside my window. If I hadn’t been sick already, if I hadn’t been having the pain that sent us to the doctor in the first place, I might be Mrs. Hargrave. Because when I was in his arms, it seemed the most natural and perfect next step.
Now, I had no choice but to accept my own stubborn stupidity, which I blamed on my mother, and return to my solitary life. Only now, I had no choice but to accept that lonely office in the back with small windows and few visitors. If I was lucky enough to even get that. I prayed that Eli still had a soft spot for me, and that my being single again was a mark in his plus column after everything that had happened, instead of a negative.
Sleep was a long time coming, and I filled the time with fantasies of calling Logan and meeting him in Utah, out in the majestic desert, making love under stars not so different from the ones that stared in at me from outside my bedroom window.