18. Heidi
My heart had started racing as soon as my anger wore off, and I realized I’d just stepped into the lion’s den alone. Aside from Callie, who was standing by the outdoor fireplace talking to some other women, there was not one familiar face in front of me. Just a dozen pairs of curious eyes.
“Heidi!” called a feminine voice, and I glanced back toward the women gathered at the end of the porch. Callie had come and retrieved me and dragged me over to the other women. I was terrified of them, their laughter and their bond, like the gossiping girls in school who had stolen my wigs and thrown them in the trash.
Then Logan’s mother walked up to me and wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling me down to her height.
“You are so lovely, and I am so grateful that you let Logan drag you out here to meet us,” she whispered in my ear. She smelled of lavender and vanilla, and her cheek was silky soft against mine, the way my grandmother’s had been when she visited me in the hospital. She pulled away and held me at arms’ length. “I like your face, Heidi. I hope we can be friends.”
I laughed abruptly and shrugged my shoulders. “I hope we can, too, Mrs. Hargrave.”
“No, please call me Hannah. Most of the people here just call me Mom, but I think that might be a bit awkward for you.”
I nodded and scoffed. “It might.”
She escorted me to the couch near the fireplace, and gratefully, I sat and let the warmth seep into my aching legs and hips. The pain had terrified me, but as it faded, I tried to tell myself that it was all in my head instead of a recurrence of the cancer that had stolen my childhood come to claim my future.
I sipped the wine that Callie placed in my hand and let the tangy red liquid calm my nerves. In minutes, I had a plate of food in my lap I could never hope to finish, and Callie was telling us embarrassing stories of when Logan and his brothers were young.
By the time Logan thought to retrieve me from the women of his family, I resented him for cutting the party short.
“I love that you look so perturbed that I’m offering to take you home, but you did say you were going back to work tomorrow, remember?” he snickered.
I sighed heavily, rolling my eyes at Callie and winking. “Yes, I suppose I do have an early morning ahead of me.” I turned to his mother and shrugged. “Before I met Logan, I ran ten miles a day before work. Now I don’t even go to work.”
Logan grinned. “She’s such a boss; she hasn’t actually quit yet. She just told them they owed her and swaggered off.”
I gaped at him, but Hannah and Callie just laughed.
“Do we really need to go?” I asked.
He nodded. “Sorry, love. While I still think you should just quit that job and never go back, I really want to see Honey and his mom returned to the wild, where he can begin therapy and rehabilitation of the manhood you so callously stole from him.”
I scoffed, and he held out his hands in supplication.
“I promise not to tell the other deer his pet name,” I drawled, rolling my eyes.
Hannah laughed at us and gave me a hug where I sat. She kissed me on the cheek, and I felt warmth creep up my neck to my face.
“Don’t stay away too long, you hear? Drop in anytime. You don’t even have to call first.” She smiled and turned away.
I glanced up at Logan who was watching me with his lips pursed as if he was deep in thought. I tested my legs by shifting forward on the wicker sofa and put some weight on my feet. Encouraged, I stood up, only to immediately have Logan supporting me from one side.
“I got it, Logan. Really,” I assured him when he raised an eyebrow at me.
Logan’s sister-in-law, Rachel, was holding the puppy, and I ran my fingers through the fluff on top of her head while saying goodbye. The crowd on the veranda had mostly cleared out; the ranch hands had all gone to their bunks for the night so they could be up and working in the morning.
“Next time we come up, I’ll introduce you to the men. I think that’s the fastest the girls have ever commandeered a guest. They must really like you.”
“I was grateful to be introduced to a small group first. I will admit, though,” I confessed while watching Callie approach us, “being around so many females made me nervous.”
“They’re good women, to the last, Heidi. I’m glad you got to know them a little.”
“Maybe next time I come around, you can introduce me to the rest of your brothers, so I have faces to match all those fun stories to,” I teased.
Logan’s face flushed as he chuckled. “I guess we were something else as kids. But, I assure you, we all turned out okay. I know you weren’t sure about meeting everyone, but you seemed comfortable with Mom and the girls, so I let you be. I hope you had fun.”
“Logan, I loved them.” I walked down the steps away from him without looking back. How could I tell him that when I hugged his mother, I felt like I was home after a lifetime of being shipwrecked on a deserted island? That her soft, aging cheek against mine made me tear up like a baby? I had feelings for Logan, and I wanted him so desperately I was almost willing to take a risk on him, just to sleep next to him for as long as he stuck around. But I was in love with his mother and sisters-in-law. Even their jockey, Verica, who had been hired to train a thoroughbred and stayed to marry their horseman. I’d never felt such a sense of belonging before.
When I was a kid, I got so used to being sick, the hospital was more familiar than home. As an adult, I clung to the things and places I knew, but I was never comfortable enough to call them “home.” Logan needed to travel. I leaned against the truck door and watched him talk to Callie. His back was to me, but I knew I’d be able to pick those shoulders out in a crowd, despite not knowing him for long.
Callie touched his arm and backed away, waving to me, and I waved back. Logan shoved his hands in the pockets of his bomber jacket and headed my way, grinning so big I thought his face would split.
“I gotta stop at George and Callie’s place before we crash for the night; is that okay?”
I shrugged and nodded. “Whatever you need. Any particular reason?”
“I just need to pick up a few things for Roxy.” I instantly felt a stab of jealousy, but stubbornly refused to ask who the hell “Roxy” was. I felt my body stiffen and tried to act like I didn’t care.
“Okay,” I managed to grind out from between my locked jaws.
“Hmmm, no on Roxy. Um, how about Ripley?” he asked.
I turned in my seat to stare at him. “Wait, what? Logan, what are you talking about? Who are these people?” Before he could answer, I heard a tiny “yip” from deep in his jacket pocket, and a little black-eyed face peered out at me. I glared at Logan, and he made a sheepish face. “Oh, you have to pick up dog toys and food for Sunny,” I finally suggested after a quick brainstorm. “Why didn’t you just say that?”
Logan pursed his lips and considered the name I’d picked for a moment, then shook his head. “Lambchop,” he offered, and I shook my head vigorously.
“Sweetums,” I countered.
He laughed and shook his head. “No way. But I feel like we’re getting close.”
“Well, here we are arguing about the name of a dog, but whose is it? If it’s your dog, you can name her whatever you want.”
He sighed and gingerly pulled the puppy out of his pocket, handing her to me. “I’d like to think she’s ours, at least for the time being. In the end, I think she’s better off with you. I love animals, but I do better with creatures that can feed themselves and go to the bathroom without me.”
My eyebrows shot up, but I tried to make my face blank again and took a breath. “So, you don’t want to have children?” I asked. “But Penny looks like she’ll be such a good family dog someday.”
“Let’s just say that I’m not ready for that stage of my life yet. I still have to convince a good woman that I’m marriage material.”
I watched him navigate his way down the drive back to the old two-lane highway as he avoided my gaze.
“Too bad you’re leaving. People tend to be more easily convinced to make lifelong commitments when the person they’re committing to is sticking around.” I rubbed the puppy’s belly and watched the tree trunks go by in the glare of the headlights. “Hope.”
“What? You mean for the puppy, or did we just change subjects again?” he asked, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye.
“Her name is Hope.”
He paused and thought about it. “I like that. Hope. It’s a good name, especially right now.”
“Right, we hope that the fawn and his mom get back to living in the wild okay, and we hope somehow we’re meant to work this out,” I said, avoiding the hope that was foremost in my own mind.
But Logan picked up on it instantly. “We hope that your health is good, and you’re going to be okay.”
I shrugged at his addendum. Whatever was going to happen just was. I’d learned long before that I couldn’t control it. I just had to hang on and hope I didn’t fall off the ride.
“Are you going to stay the night tonight?” I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to say yes or no. The silence was deafening as we both avoided saying “cancer” at all costs.
“I’d sure like to, Heidi, but it’s up to you. You’ve given up a whole lot of privacy for someone who likes to live alone and work away from people in the woods.”
Hope chewed on my fingertips, and I kept watch out the window.
The silence dragged on, and I almost sighed audibly in relief when we reached his brother’s house and jumped out to collect the items Callie was giving us for Hope. I waited until he was inside and let her run around the small patch of grass that made up the front yard. She tumbled and chased her tail, flopping over and staring at me like I’d somehow tripped her from four feet away, then leaping to her feet and racing in circles around me on her stubby legs.
I was so enraptured with the tiny creature, I didn’t see Logan return. Suddenly, my heart was in my mouth as arms slid around me and I was picked up off the ground. I screamed, and Logan flipped me into a cradle carry so I could see his face, while Hope yapped and ran to the far edge of the yard and back. I slammed the side of my fist into Logan’s chest, and he laughed and flinched at the same time.
“Ouch, Heidi. Damn, that hurt.” He laughed again, and I hit him again, lightly.
“It’s not funny to sneak up behind innocent women and startle them, Logan. You never know how she’ll defend herself.”
He bent his mouth over me and gave me a chaste kiss on the lips. “You had lots of opportunities to see me coming, Heidi.”
I shook my head. “Nope. Did not see you coming. Didn’t even imagine it.”
We both knew what I meant, and Logan kissed me again, letting the kiss deepen when I parted my lips for him. We shifted so he was still carrying me, but my legs were around his waist, and I kissed him hard, exploring his mouth with my tongue until he dragged his head back, panting.
“At the very least, we should get Little Miss Hope into the truck so we don’t lose her in the jungle that is my brother’s yard.”
I nodded, and he set me down gently, scowling quickly when a spasm caught me by surprise and I whimpered.
I herded Hope toward him, and Logan scooped her up into his arms, chuckling as she squirmed and licked any skin she could find, from his hands to his face. She stood up on his forearm and gazed into his eyes, her little tail whipping back and forth, and he went very still, as my heart swelled in its cage. Once he’d decided when he was leaving for the Midwest, I’d buy a ticket and surprise him.
After all, seeing more of the world might make home feel more… homey. I’d lived such an isolated existence for so long, everything around me felt artificial, like I was in a holding pattern, waiting for something to happen to me. Except that I’d never expected anything to actually happen. Suddenly, I was with the man of my professional and sexual fantasies, and he was better than I’d ever imagined. I took Hope from him and set her in the padded and lined basket Callie had made for her bed and pulled Logan down to me, tasting his mouth as if it was the first time.
“I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow,” I said breathlessly when I pulled away. “But I don’t want to think about it until I have to. I just want you. In case you must go. Or if I find out that the news is as bad as it can be.”
“If the news is bad, I won’t go.”
“Well, that’s just stupid. You can’t stop living your life for me. I won’t let you.” I took a deep breath. “But it won’t be bad news, right? Everything is going to be fine.”
“Of course, it is. Because you deserve it, and the world owes you some good news, after all the hard work and good attitude you’ve invested in it.”
“What I deserve is to get my new baby home and put to bed, so I can get you naked and let you distract me from my worries for a few hours.”
He choked on a laugh, and his eyebrows jumped to his hairline. “A few hours, huh?” He huffed out a breath. “Okay, we can do that, if I get a break and a snack in there somewhere.” He kissed me and helped me up into the cab like I was made of glass. He ran around the front of the truck and grinned at me when he climbed in. “Next stop, Bootyville.”
“Bootyville? You think I’m a booty call?”
“No, but the alternative wasn’t something I’d repeat in front of a lady.” I thought about it for a moment then laughed and nodded my head.
“Well, now, that seems to be a mighty good call, son. Good save.”
He scoffed, and I bit my lip and tried not to think about my life going back to the way it was, without the teasing and the fighting and insecurity. I was sure I would’ve happily had sex with Logan even if I knew the first time was also the last. Knowing tonight might be the last night I had with him, before our lives sent us our separate ways, made the time we had left that much more important to me.