I look down at my dwindling bowl of stew and take a deep breath. I want to trust Sawyer, but my past isn’t something I share easily. I haven’t even told Ben about much about my life. Yet, when I look in his eyes, I see an earnest concern for me that I never saw in Ben’s. He doesn’t want the salacious details to entertain himself, he wants to know the real me. The one I’ve been trying to hide for longer than I’d like to admit.

“I’m a foster kid, I was put in the system when I was eleven by child services.” I blurt out.

“I’m sorry, that couldn’t have been an easy life for you,” Sawyer answers.

“No, it wasn’t,” I admit. “Most kids are taken when they’re younger and it’s easier to place them because people like cute, little kids. Not a lot of people like taking on a pre-teen girl. They cost more for one, and they usually have a lot of scars. Like sexual abuse and shit like that.”

Sawyer’s face twists like I just stabbed him. “That’s not what happened to me,” I reassure him and he breathes a sigh of relief.

“Anyway, a lot of women don’t want to take on an older girl because they have this messed up idea that you’re going to seduce their husbands. Isn’t that fucked up?”

My mind flashes angrily to the first house I was placed in. How, when she found out her husband liked to drink and make me watch him jerk off after she passed out in a drunken stupor, she acted like I made him do it.

Like it wasn’t some predator taking advantage of a vulnerable kid. Instead, I must have been “begging him for it.” My cheeks flush with the shame I felt then. Like I was just dirty and unlovable. Like no one could ever want me in their lives unless I could do something for them.

“Did your parents die?” Sawyer intrudes on my dark thoughts.

“No, that probably would’ve been better,” I confess. “I know that sounds terrible,” I blurt the words as his eyebrows cinch together in a frown. “They were meth heads, they made it themselves for some guy who sold it for them. He split the cash with them so they were happy. But then they got into it too, bad. They were high all the time and screwed him over by giving him a bad batch and he was pissed. He told them they owed him his money back or he’d kill them,” the words pour out of me like I’m sitting in a confession box. I’m guessing the booze is helping all this bubble out of my mouth.

“But you said they didn’t die?” Sawyer tries to piece together my story.

“No, they decided to try to sell me to get the cash. Like my parents were my pimp.”

“What the fuck?” Sawyer’s face contorts with rage.

“Yeah, lucky for me they were both fucking idiots,” the memory flashes back over me.

You look beautiful honey, look at yourself,” Mom nodded at my reflection in the mirror. I smiled at my heavy makeup, feeling like a princess. It was the first time in months that she had been so nice to me. I wanted the moment to drag on forever. For her to do my hair and makeup, like we were a couple of girls at a sleep over. It felt magical.

“Thanks for making me look so beautiful, Mommy. I love you,” I looked at her beaming. “What?” she looked down at her cheap wristwatch. “Yep, for sure. Love you too honey,” her voice was rushed. “Ok we don’t have much time, baby, there’s a man coming here to take you out.” She explained hurriedly.

“What? Where is he taking me?” Worry twisted in my gut. My biggest fear was coming true. I was being taken away.

“Just on a little drive. Who knows, maybe you’ll get to stay in a hotel room, if you’re lucky,” she fluffed up my hair and I leaned back against her like she was giving me a warm hug.

“What are you doing, sit up straight,” she snapped at me. “Listen, just do what he wants, ok? It won’t be that bad if you just go along with it, you understand?”

I didn’t. But I pretended to. I didn’t want our time together to end. I wanted my mom to talk to me forever.

“Good girl,” she smiled at me and my heart fluttered, desperate for her praise.

Our apartment buzzer rang and Mom ran over to answer it. “That’s him, ok come here, come here!” She demanded.

I stood with her at the door as the strange man came in and examined me. He was tall and scary looking with a scar under his eye and dirty clothes.

“So, she’s fresh? Never been with anyone?” He questioned my mother as I stood wilting under his angry gaze.

“Yep, she’s intact. So, it’s two grand for the night,” Mom negotiated.

“And I can do whatever I want, right? All the stuff I emailed you about?” He glanced over at my father watching tv in the other room, willfully oblivious to the whole scene.

“Yep, that’s right. Whatever you want,” she chirped.

“Great,” he grabbed me by the arm roughly and took me out in the hall as my mother slammed the door behind us.

My feet squeaked in my worn sneakers against the linoleum floor as he guided me down the hallway and around the corner into the arms of a female police officer.

I was too confused to make a sound. “We’ve got them,” the man nodded at her.

“Come here honey, I’ve got you,” the woman wrapped her arms around me and I buried my face against her.

Suddenly a swarm of police ran up the stairwell and down the hall to my parents’ apartment. There was a lot of screaming and commotion as they hauled my folks out in cuffs and dragged them down the hall.

I cried against the woman holding me, confused and scared that I’d done something terrible. Desperate for her embrace. Desperate for any love I could get.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I kept crying over and over.

“You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s all over now,” the officer soothed me. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was rotten. Unlovable. Why else was all of this happening?

I shake my head and drop my spoon into my bowl with a clang as the tears stream down my face with the memory. “They tried to set it up, but they just put up an ad on Craigslist like a couple of morons,” I sob. “They got busted in a sting operation and arrested for child prostitution and drugs. They’re still locked up,” I choke on my words.

“I’m so sorry,” Sawyer jumps up from his chair and pulls me up into his arms as I cry. “I’m sorry,” he repeats, like I did the day they took my parents away.

“So am I,” I cry.