Ka-caw! Caw!

My eyelids flutter open as the sound of a bird outside the window drags me from my peaceful sleep. Outside, I can see a big, black crow pecking at an acorn. The warm streaks of afternoon sun are bursting across the room, making it toasty warm in here. Not that sleeping next to a tall, burly man isn’t enough to keep my blood pumping.

Caw! The crow mouths off before taking off into flight. It’s funny how back home a constant stream of honking horns from gridlocked traffic would put me out like a sweet lullaby, but actual noises from the world of nature are jarring to me.

I look up at Cole, sleeping like a baby next to me. Obviously he’s used to being surrounded by the sounds of the forest. He didn’t even flinch from the bird. He looks so calm next to me right now. Like the torrent of anguish he carries around, coursing through his soul, is also taking a nap, letting him recharge.

I can’t help but smile at his thick lips. Lips that brought me intense bliss I’ve never felt before. My cheeks flame up with the thought and the burn spreads down my neck and over my exposed breasts.

I love how I feel in his arms. If I’m honest, I love how it feels to be in his life. There’s something about a man that can not only take care of your needs, like keeping me fed not to mention making me cum… I lost my train of thought. Oh, right, but also being with a man who makes you feel safe.

Protected.

It gives me a deep comfort that I haven’t felt since childhood when Mama would reassure me there were no monsters under the bed, pulling back the blankets to prove it. Just that feeling that nothing can hurt you as long as you’re with them. That they can make the entire world a better place just for you. It calms that anxiety that I think every woman feels inside. The one that comes from the everyday battles and the constant background threats of the world we live in. It’s amazing to let those go, even if it’s only for a brief time.

What would Mama think of Cole? I try to imagine introducing her to him, back before she got sick. Would she think this was reckless?

“Abbie, please baby, hand me that water. I can’t reach that far,” she croaked at me after another round of chemo. She was always so weary after her treatment, it was like it took ten years off her. The same poison that she needed to kill off the cancer made her a feeble shell of the boisterous, happy woman who raised me.

“Here you go,” I helped bring the glass of water to her pale, cracked lips and she slowly sipped the liquid. When she was finished, she fell back against her pillow, strewing her headscarf to the side and sighed.

I hated seeing her that way. When I was a kid, my Mama was like Wonder Woman to me. Smart, pretty, heroically brave. It always felt like there was nothing she couldn’t do.

“I’m gonna let you get some rest, okay?” I whispered, unsure if she was already asleep.

“No,” she clutched my hand and her eyes sprang open, “please, don’t go.”

“Okay, of course,” I agreed.

“I need to talk to you, honey,” her voice sounded urgent. Like there was a family secret she needed to share before it was too late. Like whatever it was had been weighing on her for years.

I waited for her to catch her breath, holding her hand loosely so I wouldn’t add to the bruises on her frail skin.

“Abbie, please listen to me. You have always been my absolute pride. My heart bursts with joy when I think of you. I could never have been blessed with a better daughter. I’ve known that since the day you were born,” she swallowed hard.

“Thanks, but you don’t need to do this now…”

She held up her bony fingers and I clamped my mouth shut. I didn’t want to argue with her.

“I’ve never questioned what you want to do or tried to tell you what path to take, but honey, I’m running out of time.”

“No, you’re not,” tears slid from my eyes. Little did I know then, she was right. She must have known in her heart that the end of her struggle was in sight. It wasn’t even six months later that she took her last breath.

“Listen, please,” she pleaded quietly and I stopped protesting. “Abbie, you’re so smart, and I’m glad that you’re doing so well with your political science degree, I am. But, I’m worried for you too. Sometimes I see you taking the safest route. You’ve learned a lot about how the world works on paper in the last two years, but what have you experienced? What have you tasted, felt, smelled, and seen? What made you fall in love? What broke your heart? What made you so angry you decided to make a change? Do you understand what I mean?”

I knew what she was saying, but to understand the depth of her words, of her passion, that wouldn’t come until after she passed.

“Yes,” I agreed with her.

“Don’t wake up one day when you’re dying and realize that you never lived. I had a wild and crazy youth. I backpacked around South America, I hitchhiked across Europe, I had many jobs before I found my career. By the time I had you, I was ready to be a mom. I was ready to give all of myself to raising you because I never felt like I was missing out on anything. Please, honey, don’t go from my house, to college, to a career, to marriage, to kids, to regrets and then into your grave.” She coughed and leaned forward. I reached for her water and helped her take a longer sip this time.

“Mom, we can talk about this more when you’re feeling better. Right now, you need some sleep,” I helped her back onto her pillow.

She waved her hand, but closed her eyes. “I will,” she agreed. “Just promise me that you won’t spend so much time trying to live the perfect life that you wake up one day and realize all your experiences were sanitized and safe, Abbie. Life is messy. Get messy.”

“Okay, Mama,” I promised, not fully feeling the impact of her words.

It wasn’t until I dropped a handful of soil on her coffin that the conversation came back to me. It literally took getting my hand dirty from my mother’s funeral to spark an awakening inside me. It took her death to give me life.

Tears stream from the corners of my eyes and I snuggle in closer to Cole. Instinctively, he wraps his arm around me tighter and the slow, steady beat of his heart helps calm me down.

She would’ve approved, I smile despite my tears. My muscles are flooded with relief as I realize that my mother would be so happy to see me having a crazy adventure with a good man like Cole out in the Yukon woods. I breathe in deep, and let myself drift back into a hazy fog of happiness knowing that for the first time in my life, I’m actually living. And Mama would be proud.