One Week Later

 

I step out of the shower and pat myself dry before cinching the towel around my waist. Picking up my phone from the edge of the vanity, I swipe my thumb over it, knowing full well that I haven’t missed a damned thing. Charlotte isn’t the only one who seems to have disappeared into the ether. It feels like everyone in my life has abandoned me in my darkest hour. I’ve been trying to get a hold of Ryan, my SEAL buddy who helped me with the renovations, but he’s still off on some kind of crazy road trip. I’ve even reached out to the other guys on my SEAL team, Gabe, Jackson, but everyone has moved on. It’s crazy how we all spent so much time together, we were a family. I thought that would never change, but only a year after most of us walked away from that explosion, it’s starting to feel like they were never a part of my life at all. Hell, even my own parents aren’t around to talk to. Of all the weeks they could decide to take off on a romantic Alaskan cruise, they chose this one.

The mother of my child won’t return my calls, my blood brother hates me, my brothers-in-arms are off living their new lives and my own parents are out of town.

Loneliness is too cheerful a word for this void of misery engulfing me. I feel like the darkness I’ve tried so hard to keep at bay, the emptiness that first came after our Humvee got hit, is back. And it’s going to swallow me whole.

I streak my hand across the mirror, wiping away the steam from the shower and stare at my reflection. I dab my fingertips over the bruised cut that Marcus left on my cheek and anger expands in my chest like hot air in a balloon.

“Who the fuck does he think he is? I can’t believe he’s thirty-two and still acts like a toddler who didn’t get his way.” I sigh.

I can’t believe the guy looking back at me in the mirror is only thirty-two. The isolation and worry I’ve dealt with over the last week have aged me by ten years.

I hate this feeling. This helplessness. This isn’t me. You don’t lead a SEAL team by being passive. You don’t win the battle by giving up.

Plucking my phone off the edge of the sink, I push Charlotte’s contact again and listen to it ring as the air deflates from my lungs.

Voicemail.

Again.

I slam the phone down so hard I may have cracked it and storm out into the living room. Walking over to the coffee table I pick up the old album that, only a week ago, Charlotte and I laughed and reminisced over. I start to take it over to my bookshelf when something falls free from the pages. It’s her letter. The one she handed me when she was only thirteen and I was heading off for a new life in the military.

I put the book down on the shelf and pick up the envelope, carefully opening it and tugging out the note inside. I chuckle dryly at the little hearts she made over the I’s and the doodle of an owl she drew in the margin of the loose-leaf. It’s hard to remember her being so young. Always there in the background. Always at my side. The girl who would eventually grow into the woman who my heart longs for. It’s funny how some things, such profound and life defining things, can be right under your nose and we just take them for granted, or worse yet, we ignore them.

I read the words that have already been tattooed into a memory and try to swallow the lump growing in my throat.

 

Connor,

I can’t believe you’re leaving. I can’t imagine waking up tomorrow or the day after that, for months or even years, knowing that you’re gone. Somehow, I always thought that my greatest enemy, time, would eventually lose. But it looks like it will win again.

Time has already cursed me, making me five years younger than you. The time between our ages is something I try to wish away every single day. If I wasn’t so much younger than you, maybe you could love me like I love you. Maybe your heart could fill with joy when you saw me, the way I do when I catch even a glimpse of you. But now, even that small joy is being stolen from me.

This doesn’t feel real. I don’t think I’ll ever get over you leaving my life. I’ve known since I was little that you were the only one for me. I refuse to believe that I will go the rest of my life without knowing your love.

So, I wish you the best of luck with the SEALs. I really do. But, please know that while you are gone, I will wish on every single shooting star I see, and every single dandelion puff I blow into the wind, and every set of birthday candles, for you to come back and see me as the real me.

Not the little girl you grew up with, but the woman who loves you with all of her heart. Because eventually that birthday cake will have eighteen candles on it, and when it does, I’ll still be here, loving you.

Lottie

 

I hold the letter against my heart and fight back my emotions. Tears prick the corners of my eyes as I breathe in deeply, pushing them back down. Now isn’t the time to cry. It’s the time to get Charlotte back.

And this time, I’m not taking no for an answer.