My balled-up fists unfurl as the anger inside me slips away and my fears and sadness shroud me in a fog. I don’t want to feel like this. I try to focus my emotions into something that feels more constructive somehow, my anger at Marcus. However, each time I think about beating him or yelling at him the other thoughts slide in and overwhelm me.

Is Charlotte alright?

Is she losing the baby?

How can I ever make this okay?

It never will be.

A child I never knew I wanted turned our entire world upside down and now it seems like it might leave our lives before we ever get a chance to meet. It doesn’t seem fair to love someone that you’ll never know. The ache in my heart is too much, I slump over in my seat and bury my face in my hands as the tears I can’t control fall from my eyes.

I don’t care if people are staring or what they think. After everything Charlotte and I have been through, this can’t be happening.

It just can’t be.

“Connor?” A warm hand squeezes my shoulder and I twist my tear-stained face up to the familiar voice.

“Marcus?”

I can see from his bloodshot eyes that he’s been crying too. He nods slowly and walks around the chairs to sit next to me.

“I didn’t think you were coming, you hung up,” I start to dig into him, but I don’t have the energy to fight. The truth is, I’m happy to see him.

“I’m sorry about that, I raced over here as soon as you told me,” he points down at his gray slippers as if his plaid pajamas with a summer coat thrown over top, isn’t proof enough.

“Where is she?” He eases back in his chair and looks around the room.

“The doctor is seeing her now,” I wipe away my tears and clear my throat.

“It’s going to be okay,” he looks back at me calmly. For a second, I catch a glimpse of the best friend I once had. The boy who always had my back. My blood brother.

“I don’t know about that,” I breathe out shakily. “I don’t know how much more heartbreak Charlotte can take,” it’s not an accusation, but I can see it lands on Marcus’ face like a slap.

“I’m sorry I was so hard on her. I’ve been praying a lot on this and, I’d like us to leave the past in the past, Connor. I’d like us to start over,” he slides his hands down his pant legs and looks at me from the corner of his eyes.

Marcus was never good at apologies. Usually, when we were growing up, he'd have an epic meltdown and then, when it was over, everyone just moved on like it never happened. At least he’s trying to make things right this time. That’s more than I can say about myself.

The realization twists like a knife in my gut as it occurs to me that I’ve never properly apologized myself. Ever since his old girlfriend jumped me in the tent back on prom night, things always blew up when I tried to talk to Marcus. After all these years, I still haven’t said I’m sorry for my part in his pain.

“Hey man, I’d like if we could bury the hatchet. I miss having you as my friend,” I admit.

“Me too,” he looks down at his feet.

“Listen, Marcus, about Sandra…”

“We don’t have to get into this now,” Marcus cuts me off abruptly.

“I don’t want to get into it either,” I ignore him. “I want to say I’m sorry. I know I never went out of my way to sleep with her, I didn’t even realize what was going on or who it was with until it was too late, to be honest,” I watch as Marcus begins to puff up his chest, sitting up straighter in his seat. “Let me finish,” I hold up my hands to stop the anger I can see rising inside him like the mercury on a barometer.

“Fine,” he clamps his dark lips together.

“But it doesn’t change the fact that I hurt you. I betrayed you and for that, I owe you a huge apology. I just hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me so we can move on. You’re still my family. At least, that’s how I think of you. That’s never changed.” I hold out my hand and hope that Marcus can let go of his pride enough to hear the sincerity in my words. I hope he can give me another chance.

His thick, black hand engulfs mine and we shake to letting past mistakes go and giving a future where a friendship is possible again, a chance.

“I’d like that,” he answers, his dark eyes shining with tears that he blinks back.

“Great, so would I,” we drop our hands and the heartwarming moment is short lived as we both sit in silence thinking about Charlotte.

“How long has she been in there?” Marcus interrupts the rabbit hole of worry that my mind begins to fall down.

“They took her in right away, like when I called you,” I gaze over at him.

“It wasn’t all your fault. It was mine,” Marcus clears his throat and studies his palms.

“What do you mean?” I watch his eyebrows knit together as he twists his mouth to the side like he’s wrestling with a secret he’s not sure if he should spill.

“That night with Sandra, it was my fault, not yours. All this time, every time I’ve heard your name or seen your face, it just,” his voice cracks, “it brought it all back. It made me face my demons and I wasn’t prepared to admit what I did. She slept with you to put the final nail in a coffin I built. She wanted to make sure that her and I could never repair our relationship, but I pushed her to that edge. I pushed her there and then I pushed her off.”

I try to make sense of what Marcus is confessing. I know him and Sandra had problems, but they never seemed more intense than any other high school couple. Just normal drama.

“What do you mean?” I search his face for clues.

“You know I’ve always been cursed with this temper,” he twists his hands together like he’s trying to wash away the memory.

“I’ve known since we met, it’s not like it was a secret,” I nudge him with a dry laugh, trying to lighten the burden pushing down his shoulders.

“Yeah, well, Sandra knew it too. We used to get into some blistering fights and I’d fly off the handle. I’d call her names that no man should call a woman, especially not a woman he loved. That night, we were drinking and she just kept pushing me. She kept pressing my buttons, like on purpose, making fun of me at the campfire in front of the whole graduating class. People were laughing and…I lost it.” He can’t meet my eyes.

“What did you do?” I sit up straight and look him square in the face, is he telling me he hurt her?

“I shoved her. Hard. She fell backward and everyone gasped. Even I gasped. I couldn’t believe I let myself lose it to that extent. I’d never, ever laid a hand on her in malice before that. Never. But I snapped. She ran off and I was shunned by the group. As I should’ve been.”

“Man, what were you thinking?” I chide him. “Why didn’t you ever just get help for your temper. That’s not okay, Marcus,” I can’t believe my ears.

“I did. I turned to the church, first to get help and then I found a calm there, a peace, I’d never felt before. Suddenly my anger stopped controlling me. So, I devoted my life to God. I deserved to lose Sandra, but when I saw you again, after all these years, I lost it all over again. You know I have had control over my anger now for almost fifteen years. I thought I had it beat. Then I saw you with Lottie and it all came back.”

“I don’t know what to say, man,” I rub the back of my neck.

“That’s because you don’t need to say anything. I’m the one in the wrong here. After Charlotte left, I started looking for a counselor outside the church.” He looks at me.

“Like a therapist?”

“Yeah, I found someone. I’m supposed to meet her this week. I know it won’t be an easy fix, but I want to change. I want to be in Lottie’s life. In your life. I want to be a good uncle, if you guys will have me.”

“Of course we will,” I smile. But the word uncle makes my heartstrings tug down. Will he be an uncle at all? Will I be a father? What is going on with Charlotte?

“Connor McLean?” The ridiculously young man in scrubs that led Charlotte down the hall calls out to me from across the room.

I stand up abruptly, “Is she alright? Is the baby okay?” I start sputtering.

“Sir, please come with me.” He waits as I cross the floor to his side. I look over my shoulder to Marcus, still slumped over in his chair.

“Marcus,” he looks up at me with surprise. “Come with me. Charlotte’s gonna want to see you too,” I jerk my head to the nurse waiting and he jumps up from the uncomfortable waiting room chair and we all walk down the hallway together.