Chapter Twenty-One
If Saturday night was awkward, Sunday was even worse.
Kirk’s mood had dipped into an extreme low. He had suggested a short walk in the park before getting his train back to Dublin. The walk was awful. Quiet, sombre, absolutely nothing to talk about.
Kirk seemed to be overcome with a depression so strong, it felt palpable.
He put it down to his dread of going back to Dublin. Having to watch his sister sick in hospital, having to face the music with Denise.
But Sasha couldn’t help but feel that his sadness was aimed at her. Had he regretted coming to see her? Had this just added more confusion to the mix?
In a way, Sasha wanted him to leave. She couldn’t bear the silence, the pathetic attempts at small talk. She was ashamed to say, she preferred him when he was drunk or high on tablets. Drugs, she thought – perhaps that was the real problem. Now that they had worn off, he was back to his default setting – full of fear and worry.
She waved him off that day, secretly glad to retreat to her sofa in quiet bliss. If Thursday to Sunday had been an unexpected roller-coaster of drama, now she was glad to lie down and rest after it all.
She wasn’t thinking about what would happen now. She wasn’t thinking about if he’d get back with Denise or if she’d hear from him again.
She was simply thinking about nothing. Letting the last four days germinate in the back of her mind to be analysed another day.
So that was why it was a big surprise to hear from him later that evening.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Hi Sasha, that’s me back home at my mum’s again. Thanks again for such a brilliant weekend. It was so lovely to be able to spend time with you. I’d love to come up again this weekend if that’s okay? I’ll bring some more of those tablets and this time I’ll bring some weed as well. We can smoke that.
Is that okay with you?
K x x
So it really did seem like they were on the road to getting back together. Two weekends in a row!
Sasha decided that she would just take it one weekend at a time; one day at a time to see what happened.
But her brain immediately clicked into preparation mode. If he was coming up on Friday, she’d need to make a list of what to cook, what to buy, what to prepare. Thursday night would be pamper night, so Wednesday night would have to be Tesco night. Suddenly the week was filling up with busy plans and preparations.
It was exciting. Gone was that awful emptiness she’d been feeling for months. She felt full.
Until Tuesday night, that is.
On Tuesday night, Kirk sent her an email that pulled the rug from underneath her feet in one fell swoop.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Hi Sasha. I’m really sorry but I can’t come up this weekend. My sister is so sick and I need to be there for her. I need to concentrate on my family for the next while. I hope you understand.
K x x
Despite herself, she analysed between the lines.
‘I need to concentrate on my family for the next while’.
For the next while.
‘For the next while’ meant ‘I won’t be contacting you for a while again. I’m pulling the shutters down again. I’m closing you out.’ Reading between the lines, Sasha imagined that his email actually read like this:
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sasha, I’ve changed my mind about this weekend. I met up with Denise and I have decided to get back with her.
Seeing you was nice but it served a purpose for me. It scratched an itch. I had always reminisced about you and it was nice to dip my toe back in and experience what it was like again. It made me remember why we broke up. Yes, it was nice sleeping with you but that train journey up and down to Belfast is a nightmare. I knew you’d never move down here and I’d never move up there so it was going nowhere. Denise is easy. She’s just there. She’s easy to live with. There’s no drama. No, I don’t fancy her as much, but that’s not everything. Security is what I need.
I also have to give the drugs up. I took drugs because I was sad about you but now that I’ve had closure with you, I need to get off the drugs.
I have to stop reminiscing about you. It’s over and that’s that.
K x x
Of course that wasn’t the actual email Kirk had sent but it might as well have been, in Sasha’s opinion. That was what he was basically saying between the lines. Sasha felt like she’d been kicked in the stomach. As though he’d kicked her and then repeatedly kept coming back to kick her another time to make sure that she was completely beaten to the ground. How many times would she be fucked over by this guy? How many times would he keep turning up on her doorstep every time he had a row with Denise?
It had to stop. And it had to stop right here. She decided to write him one last email, telling him to leave her alone.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
I am so angry. I feel completely used. Don’t ever contact me again. If you do contact me, I will email Denise and tell her everything about last weekend. How you told me that you love her but you’re not ‘in love’ with her. How you’re still in love with me. How that the sex with her is nothing like the sex you have with me. I will tell her all that, Kirk, if you try to mess with my head one more time. I am sick of this. For months you’ve been dragging this out with emails, songs and a visit.
One more email from you, and I will forward everything to Denise.
She pressed send with an angry flourish. She really had had enough this time.
Perhaps it was her pride; he had chosen Denise over her. Or perhaps it was her anger; he had used her for sex just because he’d had a row with his girlfriend. Or perhaps it was just sheer frustration; he had strung her along for so long.
She wondered. If it was so easy to fall in love with someone, was it also easy to fall out of love? To wake up one morning and realise that you’ve simply had enough? Enough trying, enough hoping, enough waiting. She had finally fallen out of love with Kirk. She no longer hoped for a reconciliation – she knew it would never come. And it wasn’t her fault. He was messed up in the head; drink and drugs clouding his judgement. She wished she knew what the magic potion was for suddenly falling out of love with him. She wished she’d taken it ages ago.
Was it the cold hard shock of what he had just done? How he had just treated her with such a lack of respect? Or was it just time?
Time, the great healer.