Chapter Thirty
After the disappointment of Mr Right not texting, despite her best efforts to be positive, Sasha was beginning to lose hope. It just seemed that one date after another was a disappointment. So much for her efforts to move on, she chided herself. A Year of No Rules? I don’t think so.
But there was also a tiny voice inside her that was stronger than that. That didn’t even care if there were no more dates. Sasha had taken up dancing again. It had been years since she’d been to a dance class. There was a time when she’d gone three times a week, sometimes even entering competitions. It was part of the ‘what small steps could you take this week?’ strategy, when she wrote her To Do List after her chat with Jason. She needed to pick her hobbies up again. She needed to shift her focus. It couldn’t be all about Kirk. Her thinking had to go elsewhere.
It was as if the Universe brought it to her. No sooner had she written down the intention to join a dance class than she spotted a poster screaming ‘Kerry’s Dance Aerobics.’
The venue was located near her; it was held on a Saturday morning and there was no reason for her not to attend. So, that Saturday morning, donning her new sports gear and tying her hair back into a ponytail, she trotted off towards her new hobby.
It was a fresh, crisp morning. The birds were singing. The streets were quiet and devoid of traffic. Sasha couldn’t help but feel a sense of healthy pride when she realised that, instead of duvet diving with depression, she was taking one small step. One small thing that she could tick off that day, and say that she had made an effort.
The class was exhilarating. Yes, it was hard. Yes, her muscles groaned in protest after years of non-use. Yes, it was a little difficult at first to get the hang of the routine. But she did it. She got through it, red-faced and sweaty, but exhilarated.
As she walked home, her ponytail bouncing behind her, she realised that for the entire hour she hadn’t given Kirk a second thought. She’d been too busy concentrating on the moves. Furthermore, the exercise had given her a little serotonin boost; setting her up for the day and putting her in good spirits.
Over time, she became friendly with the other girls in the class; they planned Saturday nights out dancing; and there was even talk of them performing in a busy shopping centre as part of an advertising campaign. Life was starting to look a bit more interesting.
On one of their Saturday nights out, Sasha got talking to a guy who had met up with one of his friends in their group. He was called Sam and he had that huge smile and easy chit-chat that made Sasha instantly feel at ease.
They went outside to have a smoke together and chatted effortlessly. Sasha wondered how it was possible to have only just met someone, yet feel like you’d known them for ages. He was chatty; very chatty. The conversation flowed endlessly – and yet it was interesting conversation. Not conversation where she’d felt as if she was trapped listening to someone’s monologue.
His face lit up, it was full of expression; he had plenty of good ideas to contribute to the conversation. Sasha enjoyed his company.
Sasha didn’t think any more about it that night, though. She didn’t even wonder if she fancied him, or wonder if he was single. She simply enjoyed talking to him. It was as if she had flicked that switch off in her life:
• Dating: not interested
• Dating: been there, done that
• Dating: given up
The hours spent trawling through internet sites, making polite and repetitive conversation, having awkward and stilted phone-calls, meeting up for interview-like coffees, trying to force romance to happen in time-slots mutually arranged by both parties. It just seemed so… artificial.
Sasha felt like giving up. Perhaps it wasn’t meant to be. Perhaps Kirk was her one shot and now that was gone.
Sasha had no option but to try to make the best out of a bad situation. Okay, Kirk had left. But now what? Why don’t I try to have gratitude for the situation, she thought to herself. Why don’t I sit down and try to think of every single positive about Kirk leaving? Every positive point about being single.
Gratitude for being single:
• I don’t have to listen to talk-a-thons anymore
•I don’t have to have my self-esteem bruised by someone constantly focusing on my faults
•My money is completely my own and I don’t have to spend hundreds trying to impress someone who will never think I’m enough
My time, my space and my place are my own. I have peace
Sasha read this list every morning like a daily affirmation. Interestingly, after only a few days, Kirk left her head completely. After years of him living rent-free there like an unwelcome visitor, he was gone.
It was peace; perfect peace.
Shortly after that, Sasha decided to take her profile off the internet dating sites. She didn’t need to hunt after a man – she was more than happy being single. No wonder no man could live up to her expectations; she subconsciously didn’t even want to be with anyone. Why would she risk getting into another car, metaphorically, when the last one had ended up in such a horrific accident?
It was like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders, a burden rolled away, no more trying, no more forcing, no more manipulating. Just be.
Which is why she found it strange, on that second time she saw Sam. She really thought she was beginning to fancy him.
It started when she walked into the bar and saw him standing there with her new-found dance friends. She hadn’t even noticed before how tall he was. Oh, she did like a tall man.
Next, how smiley he was. An open, grinning face, a cheery hello, offering to buy her a drink.
The easy chat again; the feeling she’d known him for ages. But the real indication was later on, when she found herself experiencing a little bit of jealousy. Kirk had had her believe that jealousy was an extremely negative emotion; something shaming, to be repressed. Yet here she was, experiencing a bit of jealousy that felt wonderfully alive and indicative. Oh! Her mind was saying to her heart. Really? You feel a little jealous? Well, that’s a good sign. That’s the first time in a long time that you’ve felt jealous. That shows that you like this guy – that you wish it was you who was talking to him. Cool.
It felt like a completely positive experience, rather than the shameful feeling that Kirk viewed it as.
Later, when the group diversified and made separate taxi trips towards a nightclub, Sasha found herself pleased that Sam was in the same car as her.
Oh really? her mind said to her heart again. That’s interesting. That’s what you call chemistry – when you suddenly notice where a person is in the room, who they’re talking to, and you’re glad when they’re talking to you.
The chat in the taxi was fun. Sing-alongs. Talk about his upcoming birthday. “I want to go to Vegas,” he said. “So if anyone wants to join me?” He gave her a look as though he was inviting her but she brushed the notion away. Surely he couldn’t be inviting her to America? They’d only just met!
Inside the club, she found herself pleased to discover that he was a good dancer. You could tell a lot about a man by the way he dances, she thought. If he’s a good dancer, chances are, he’s good in bed.
Again, the jealousy popped up. When he was dancing with another girl, she’d feel that little stab; wishing that he was dancing with her. When he did dance with her, she felt her heart flush with joy.
And my goodness, he danced. He never left the dance floor once that night, until at one stage he was dripping with sweat. Sasha wondered if this little infatuation was just a passing phase. She really couldn’t imagine kissing someone who was so sweaty. It was unappealing.
So, typically, that was when he motioned for her to sit down and join him. Sasha felt very strongly that he was trying to lean in for a kiss. Trying to be subtle to see if she responded. But she just couldn’t. Something held her back. And her body language indicated that to him. Fleeing the scene, she found solace in one of the dance group and confided her thoughts to her.
“I would be careful with him,” her friend advised. “I saw him cuddling up to Leanne earlier. We don’t know him well enough yet and I don’t know if he’s just going to try to work his way around the group. Wait – and get to know him first.”
Of course, Sasha thought, practically face-palming herself. Had she not learnt anything from the Kirk experience? Of course she should wait and suss him out first of all. Lesson learned with Kirk!