Chapter Six
They did ride the break out for the full month after all. On the 18th, exactly as he’d planned, Kirk contacted her to arrange to see her. He didn’t mention the break, or anything about the jealousy, just that he was looking forward to seeing her.
It was agreed that he would turn up at her apartment on Saturday morning. He would bring fresh pastries from their favourite bakery. Sasha paced the floor of her apartment with excitement. She couldn’t wait to see him, and it seemed as if he just wanted to forget the problems that they’d had, and start afresh.
When she heard his knock, she inhaled a sharp breath of air and rushed to answer it. There he stood, a month on, looking fit and handsome, as if she was meeting him for the first time.
“Hello,” she smiled warmly.
“Hello,” he smiled back, mirroring her slightly shy, soft approach.
“Come in, come in…” she ushered him in, stepping back and giving him room to enter.
Standing face to face in the living room, it seemed that the air was alive with chemistry and electricity. She drank him in, his dapper appearance, his hair neatly coiffed, his face clean-shaven, his clothes trendy yet smart. He drank her in too, and it seemed that the pair of them were standing still like goofy teenagers; shy and self-aware.
Breaking the reverie, he piped up, as though suddenly remembering, “I’ve brought pastries.”
Sasha’s eyes lit up. “Cool!”
The stillness was broken and she moved in the direction of the kitchen. “I’ll make coffee.”
She rushed off to set out cups and plates, and soon they were sitting on the sofa chatting and sharing news. There was a freshness to them, as though they were on a first date; as though they were tip-toeing around each other like awkward teenagers.
“About everything that happened…” Kirk began, finally bringing up the subject of the break. “I wanted today to be… well, just normal really. I don’t want to go into what happened, or discuss it. I just want us to move forward.”
Sasha nodded earnestly, hardly believing her ears. No talk-a-thon? Hurrah!
However, even though there was no talk-a-thon, Sasha felt as though there was an undercurrent of … something. Something that she couldn’t quite place her finger on. Perhaps it was just the hidden message. That if she was ever jealous again, he would arbitrarily decide on a one-month break and she’d better… behave herself.
Looking back, she chided herself for being so pathetic. But hindsight is a wonderful thing. And love is blind. And all those other clichés which are clichés for a reason – because they’re right. Love is blind. And she was in love. Very, very much in love. So much so, that when he’d finished his pastry and drunk the rest of his coffee, and suggested sex, she’d jumped at the chance. After one month of no contact, one pastry later, she was opening her bedroom door to him and opening her legs as well.
It seemed that after that, Sasha was always on her best behaviour. She never displayed any jealousy (even if she felt it), and she went to great pains to show him that she was a good girlfriend.
Step one was planning a trip away. Her birthday was approaching. She thought a visit to her cousin down south would be a good idea. It would be a hell of a train journey but Sasha was in operation good girlfriend mode. Part of this involved showing how sociable they could be as a couple. They could hang out with other couples and she would not be jealous of the female. They would extend their social circle. It would be a good indicator for later life and, hopefully, marriage.
So operation good girlfriend began. Sasha was aware that her cousin’s girlfriend Amber was very talkative. She knew that she would probably hog the spotlight. And she knew that Kirk would probably get on really well with her. But she was determined to showcase the new Sasha. It would wash over her like water off a very slippery duck’s back.
Sasha was not, however, prepared for all the flirting. Sitting in a café, Sasha, Kirk, Amber and Andy; Sasha had that horrible, dreaded feeling of being a gooseberry on another couple’s first date. Kirk and Amber chatted animatedly with each other, hardly letting Sasha or Andy get a word in edgeways, such was the nature of their personalities. Sasha and Andy were the introverted ones – the quiet listeners. Kirk and Amber, however, were the talkative extroverts; tripping over each other with stories, tales and laughter. Sasha watched on with helpless defeat. Kirk was smitten with Amber, laughing at everything she said, asking her tons of questions, fascinated by all her answers. He was absolutely beside himself at meeting this new person who entranced him.
Was Sasha jealous? Yes, of course she was.
Listening quietly, she felt she was just the backdrop – an unnecessary part of the gathering. She also surmised that, in a parallel universe, at a different time and place, if Kirk and Amber had met under other circumstances and had been unattached, surely now this would be the point in time that they’d be ripping each other’s clothes off and fucking.
The thought depressed her.
The visit dwindled away. Sasha’s spirits fell further down into her toes with each passing hour. The flirting continued. The hilarity continued. And the first date-watching continued, while she and Andy looked on as a silent audience. It was painful. Andy, however, seemed oblivious.
The crunch came the following day, when they were all discussing age and looks, and Kirk started telling Amber how beautiful she was. “You’re gorgeous!” he exclaimed, clutching her hands. “You’re gorgeous!”
She was giggling uncontrollably, while Sasha’s stomach was taking a lurch ten feet deep. Despite her willingness, despite all the resolutions to be a good girlfriend, it was as if something inside her just snapped. She couldn’t pretend anymore. She was powerless to hide her feelings of jealousy and insecurity. Storming out of the living-room, she was making it obvious to all around her that she was not happy.
Kirk followed her into the bedroom, reasoning with her at first. “Don’t do this, Sasha…” he pleaded gently. “Don’t let the thoughts take over you.”
But it was too late. If the first carriage of her thought train had veered off onto the jealous route, there was no way of pulling it back.
Kirk was reasonable at first, but quickly his patience snapped. What ensued then were some of the worst hours of Sasha’s life, and certainly her worst birthday. Amber retreated into her bedroom, keeping out of the way. Kirk and Andy disappeared into the study to play computer games. And Sasha sat in the guest bedroom on her own, left to mull over her stupidity. The hours dragged.
Finally, it was time to go, and everyone gathered in the living-room. Amber had removed every inch of make-up, scraped back her hair into a ponytail and wore a geeky pair of thick rimmed spectacles, clearly trying to make herself look as unattractive as possible. Kirk and Andy sat in awkward silence.
Finally, they were on the train home. Sasha tried to make small talk but Kirk completely ignored her. Silent tears ran down her face, and she tried to wipe them away surreptitiously, without drawing attention to herself.
At the train station, Sasha went to hold Kirk’s hand as they walked along – more out of force of habit than anything else. But he pulled his hand away from her quickly, as though from a hot poker.
At the B&B, they said nothing to each other, simply getting into bed and switching the light off.
Sasha, of course, couldn’t sleep a wink. She rose in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. Door closed behind her, sitting on the toilet seat, she longed to cry. A river of tears was desperate to spill out, like water from a dam. All that built-up tension, the disappointment, the annoyance at herself. It had all gone horribly wrong. Even her cousin had texted her to say how disappointed he was in her.
So it must be me. It must be my fault.
If both Kirk and her cousin were condemning her jealousy, she knew she really must have a problem. But she seemed powerless to stop it.
The tears came out, despite themselves. She managed not to make any noise, lest she wake Kirk, but the tears flowed. Silent sobbing. Huge, wracking tears which erupted right from her gut and fell down her face. It was tears of giving up. Of knowing this was the end. That there was nothing else she could do. She had tried – and failed. And now it was over.
“Can we talk?” Kirk asked, the next morning. He was sitting upright on the bed, the blanket wrapped up to his chest.
“Yeah,” she replied wearily.
There ensued another two hour talk-a-thon; about her jealousy; about embarrassing him; about how absurd it all was; about how she had broken her promises to change.
And on. And on. And on.
This time, Sasha had switched off. It was as though she accepted it was over. It was as though she knew it was done.
“Okay,” she said, accepting. “I accept it’s over.” In a way, she felt a cloud of relief wash over her. No more trying. No more fixing. No more pushing/pulling. Just be. It felt like a tonne weight was being rolled off her shoulders.
“Okay, it’s over,” she thought, as she looked in the mirror and applied make-up before breakfast. No more arguments, she thought, with relief.
They went down to breakfast. The landlady was in chatty form. Sasha listened and nodded politely in all the right places. She took a long sip of her hot coffee. She was aware that this was ‘the last breakfast’. Instead of deep despair, there was a resigned acceptance. Relief was her main emotion. No more trying. No more pretending to be something she wasn’t. She could just be herself.
After this, she’d get on the bus and travel home and never again would she face the look of disappointment on Kirk’s face.
The three of them chatted amiably – the landlady, Kirk, Sasha. Kirk looked at Sasha with fondness. It was funny – now that the pressure was off, they could be relaxed.
But then the strangest thing happened. As they were sitting there at the breakfast table and the landlady had gone back into the kitchen, Kirk looked at Sasha fondly, put his hand on hers and said, “Let’s stay together. We can work this out.”
Sasha could hardly believe her ears. Really? After all the jealousy? After how embarrassed he was? He was really willing to try again? She was too shocked to be happy. Where earlier she had resigned herself to single life, now she realised that she was back on the merry-go-round; trying desperately to live up to his ideal. It was like slumping into a cosy corner and giving up; only to find that you had to get back up and put on the running shoes again.
But he must really love me, she told herself. If he’s willing to put up with that embarrassment and then forgive me, he must really love me.