Chapter Twenty

Alex drags me toward the exit, but there’s already a crowd gathered. The doors slam open as paramedics wheel a stretcher inside. My brother makes a growling sound, before dragging me the other way. The only door left leads into a locker room.

He uses a loose pipe throw the metal handle to lock us inside.

“Alex,” I say, my voice shaking. “What are you doing?”

“I told you,” he says, pulling something around my wrists. “I’m saving you.”

“You’re kidnapping me.”

He laughs shortly. “Kidnapping. One of the milder crimes I’ve been accused of.”

“Leader Allen turned you into a monster.”

“Leader Allen was the monster,” he snaps.

My mouth closes. I hadn’t realized he knew that. “He was.”

“He deserved to die. I should have killed him.”

“Alex…if you think that, then why have you been searching for me?”

“To get you away from those…those heathens! Do you think they’re any better, sister? They’ll rape you and throw you away. I saw the way he kept you, never letting you out of his sight. Like some pet.”

Like a little bird he had caged.

Except Luca had every chance to hurt me. Instead he wanted to heal me. “So you’re going to keep me in this locker room forever?”

“Better here than with him,” he snaps.

“He doesn’t hurt me.”

A makes a rough sound. “You sin with him. Tell me I’m wrong.”

I realize Alex is like me—broken by our past, unable to shake the chains. We know that Leader Allen was wrong, but we can’t forget all the lessons. “It isn’t a sin.”

And in that moment, I know it’s true. Love can’t be a sin.

My brother snarls. “I killed him so he couldn’t touch you again.”

I’m stricken. Is he dead? “You’re sick.”

He paces away from me. “Sick. Sick. Sick. That’s what he called me. Sick.”

I blink, confused. Alex was always the perfect soldier for Leader Allen. That’s what he called them—soldiers. His spiritual army. “Who called you sick?”

“Leader Allen. And he was right. I’m disgusting.”

I wriggle my fingers behind my back, but the rope is tight. I can’t break free. “Why are you disgusting?”

“For what I want.” His eyes plead with me. “For what I still want. I can’t get away from it. The sin. The pleasure.”

I swallow past the knot in my throat. “Alex. Leader Allen hurt me. He…” My eyes close against the truth, but the darkness only makes it more real. “He touched me.” I open my eyes again, seeing the same shame reflected back at me. “Did he hurt you too?”

“You don’t understand,” he whispers.

“What don’t I understand?”

He comes and lays his head in my lap. “I wanted it.”

“Oh, Alex,” I whisper brokenly. “I’m sorry.”

And I am sorry. Even if he killed Luca. I can’t hate him for what Leader Allen turned him into. Mostly I forgive him. That’s what Allie said to me. That’s all I can do.

“Don’t be,” he snaps, rearing back. “The devil’s inside me.”

“Leader Allen’s the only one inside you, whispering all those horrible things to you.”

Alex’s face is pale, making him look younger than me instead of older. “I’m gay, Sarah Elizabeth. He said that if I did everything he told me, that he could cure me. That he could fix me. But now he’s gone and I’m still sick.”

There’s a bang on the door, so loud and fierce that we both jump.

“Beth!”

Luca’s voice washes over me like salvation. He’s alive!

Although he probably should be lying down, not running around a crowded warehouse. And he definitely shouldn’t be chasing after my brother in his condition.

And I realize something else—Luca will kill him. Taking him in alive, turning him over to the authorities. Those things might have been possible if Alex was apprehended by one of the men at the entrance. Maybe even after the dirty fight.

But now he’s kidnapped me. Luca will never let him live.

“Let me go,” I say urgently. “It’s only a matter of time until he gets in here.”

Alex pulls out a gun. “You think I don’t have a backup plan?”

My mouth goes dry. “Please, no.”

He looks at me with such solemn sorrow, the crowds of religious furor clearing for a moment, and I know I’m seeing my brother for maybe the first time. “Do you really want him?”

I really want him, with every scar and shadow he comes with. “Yes.”

His gaze lingers on the gun, contemplative, his hold turning sideways. “Then there isn’t anything left on this earth for me to do, is there?”

Horror seizes me as I realize how he plans to end this.

“There’s not just hope for her,” I say, urgent as more banging comes from the door. I twist my hands, managing not to wince at the harsh burn against my wrist. If I strain, I can just barely reach the knot with my fingers. “There’s hope for us too. You. Me. We can live normal lives, too.”

He laughs, harsh and cold. “We’ll never be normal.”

I know that now. It was a false dream. I came from Harmony Hills, both the good and the bad. That’s my history. We can’t ever escape our memories, not really, but we can learn from them. And we can go on living.

“I know it won’t be easy, but we can find a new faith. One that works for us. And maybe, with time, we can…” I close my eyes, knowing this is the answer. And the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do. “We can forgive.”

“You’re lying,” he snarls. “You’re delusional.”

“Maybe. Or maybe I finally learned the lessons. Not of Leader Allen, but the Bible itself. What it was trying to tell us all along.”

Alex turns the gun to himself. “It’s just an old book, Sarah Elizabeth.”

The gun expands from half an inch to fill the whole room. It’s all I can see, because for maybe the first time ever, I understand forgiveness. It’s not only Leader Allen I need to forgive, not only Alex. It’s myself. I don’t only need to live for Delilah. I want to live for myself, for Luca. I want to live for the sake of living, for the beauty and the evil and every shade in between. I want to take a bite of the apple, because it’s the only thing that matters.

“Call me Beth,” I say gently, working furiously at the knot. “That’s my name now.”

“You can’t just change your name,” he says, pleading, hands sharking violently as he stares down the barrel. “You can’t just go on with your life like none of it happened. Like it doesn’t matter.”

“It matters, Alex. It matters so much sometimes that you’d rather die than go on living. I understand that. And I’m grateful that I had Delilah to keep me holding on during those times.”

His eyes are bleak. “And what do I have?”

The rope falls to the floor. “You have me.”

I put my palm up, waiting. I won’t fight him. I wouldn’t win. He has to choose this—choose family, choose life. One breathless moment, then two. He sets the gun down on the floor and takes my hand.

The door bursts open.

Luca rushes into the door, looking like a wild bull on a rampage. He’s covered in blood and bruises, his face twisted in a snarl. He’ll kill Alex with his bare hands. He reaches him before I do, throwing a punch that sends Alex back into the lockers.

I throw myself in front of my brother, because sometimes you have to forgive. You have to make your own faith in this crazy world we live in. And I believe in Luca.