Chapter Twenty-Six
Josh
“Are you scared, Josh?”
Josh looked over at his baby sister by two minutes and smiled. “Nope. We never needed them before, why should we need them now?” Julia nodded, gripped the steering wheel, and fixed her gaze back on the road.
Josh flipped on the radio and found a song fitting of their plight. Belting out the lyrics to Bob Dylan’s “Like a Rolling Stone,” they turned onto the Garden State Parkway. He had only given Lady Jane an hour’s notice, but he knew she would have their bedrooms ready for them, even at this late hour.
As the distance grew between them and their parents, so did Julia’s confidence that everything was going to work out. They would do this together. She would go on and attend Rockhill School of the Arts and become the accomplished pianist Josh and Lady Jane always knew she would be and Josh would leave for the University of Penn in the fall, despite what their parents had threatened. They had endured eighteen years of snide remarks, disapproving looks, and threats of disinheritance. But nothing was going to stand in their way. Much to their parents’ surprise and disgust, Julia and Josh didn’t care about the millions they were giving up. They had their own dreams and they had every intention of following each and every one.
“Thanks, Josh.”
“For what?” He turned down the music.
She glanced over at him. “For believing in me. For protecting me from them all these years. For keeping me safe, now.”
He didn’t have time to respond. To tell her that it was his job to protect her. To tell her that he would brave the depths of hell if that was what it took to keep her safe. Because when he looked up, two headlights were upon them.
Josh sat upright in bed. His heart was beating rapidly and beads of sweat had gathered on his forehead. He hadn’t dreamt of Julia in months. Why now? Why after he had the most incredible, mind-shattering night of his life? With his head in his hands he looked to his left, expecting to see Carina wrapped up in just a white sheet, her long brown wavy hair flowing wildly, her face flushed from a night of making love. But all he found was a note with his name at the top.
Josh,
I think it’s safe to say that neither of us wants to endure an awkward two-and-a-half-hour drive back to Philly together. Thank you for being a gentleman.
Goodbye, Josh.
Carina
Josh crumbled her note into a ball and tossed it across the room. He should feel relieved. He had avoided the uncomfortable morning after, the grueling silence that came with the break of dawn, the need to get the woman he had just fucked out of his bed and on her merry way. But he hadn’t fucked Carina. He had claimed her last night as his. And he had absolutely no right to do that. He couldn’t give her what she needed. She deserved a man who could protect and love her…someone who wasn’t waiting for the other shoe to drop.
And the reason that she wasn’t lying next to him now, wrapped in his arms, was that she knew that he wasn’t the man for her. She had always known. She had been wise to leave. At least that was what his head was telling him. Josh crawled out of bed and retrieved the note from the floor and reread the last line, the one where she had told him goodbye…and somewhere, something deep within began to ache.
***
Carina
Carina purposefully chose a window seat, but it did not provide the distraction she was hoping for. The dreary weather and somber gray skies only complemented her mood. After the Amtrak train she had escaped on took its tour through Newark’s lovely smokestacks, she decided it was best she close her eyes and shut out the world. Maybe she could be lulled to sleep until she reached 30th Street Station in Philadelphia. Seconds later, she realized that wasn’t such a hot idea. All she could think of, all she could see, was Josh. Carina pulled her knees to her chest and rested her head in her hands. A slight ache between her legs remained and as much as she didn’t want to remember what the pain was attributed to, she couldn’t help but play and replay the exact moment he had entered her.
He had been gentle, but with heated control. Carina felt her eyes well. She held her hands over her ears, begging Ray LaMontagne to wipe her mind clear and force her to listen to his lyrics. Another mistake. He sang of heartache and what she never wanted to experience…true regret. Carina yanked out her earbuds and shoved them into the pocket of her hoodie. Pissed off with herself, she wiped away the tears with the back of her hand. She had known all along what would happen if she gave herself to Josh Graham. He would break her, leave her wanting more, wanting all of him. He had warned her that he wasn’t built for love and romance. Still she had persisted selfishly, and now that she had time to digest the night, recklessly. They hadn’t used protection and that thought spawned new worries.
Her cell phone vibrated in her hand. It could have been any number of people on the other line, but she knew it was him. He would have awoken by now and found her side of the bed empty, her belongings long gone. She wasn’t proud of herself for leaving like she did, without even saying goodbye or thank you for accompanying her this weekend to help ward off a crazy ex, but she didn’t think she would have been able to survive the morning, the moment he rolled over with deep regret in his eyes. He would have been a gentleman, of course, most likely telling her he had a good time, maybe even take her to breakfast before embarking on a tension-filled two-and-a-half-hour ride home. And that would have killed her. Carina looked down at her phone and read the text:
“Where are you?”
Carina didn’t want to read into his question. Her whereabouts, her safety, had been an ongoing concern. This wasn’t new. She texted back:
“On my way home.”
His response came immediately:
“Text me when you’re home safely.”
She should feel grateful that he would care enough to ensure she reached home safe and sound, especially since she had been the one to leave a Dear John letter on her pillow. But all she felt was anger. She was furious with herself for taking a fucking risk and letting her heart take the fall. Carina stared at his text. He didn’t ask her why she had left. He didn’t have to.
Carina had no idea what Morgan was doing at the moment. Sleeping. Taking an early morning jog. Neutering a Shih Tzu. But she had to talk to her. She dialed her best friend and then waited. The second she heard Morgan’s voice, Carina’s words bled together until she was just one big, blubbering mess. But Morgan listened to all of it. The sobs. The self-deprecation.
When she was finished, Morgan sighed. For a moment, Carina was tempted to get off at the next stop and hop on a train to Boston. “Want me to come home, Carina? I can be there by dinnertime. We can lose ourselves in a movie and a couple of bottles of wine.”
Carina wanted to be selfish and tell her friend to get her ass to Philly and fast. But she also knew how crazy Morgan’s life was right now. She imagined that it had taken some juggling for Morgan to have been able to come home last weekend. She had given up the house in the divorce and was currently renting a suite at a hotel while she looked for a place to call her own. It had been on the tip of Carina’s tongue last weekend, right before she had hugged Morgan goodbye, to tell her to move to Philly. That there was nothing keeping her in Boston anymore. No husband, and as for her job, she couldn’t keep working alongside her now ex-husband. That would drive any woman insane. But Carina had kept her mouth shut. Because Morgan would figure it out on her own, in her own time.
“No, I just needed to vent,” Carina said. “Morgan, it just felt so…real.”
“And what makes you think it wasn’t real?” Morgan asked.
Josh sought women who didn’t require him to be emotionally available. That was what he had said to her in Gabe’s living room. Which meant that, unlike her, he could compartmentalize. Take feelings out of the equation. “He said he wanted us to be friends. He said he wasn’t capable of wanting more,” Carina said.
“And you believed that shit?”
“I heard him loud and clear. Morgan, he said…”
“Screw what he said. Sometimes words are just that…words. Look what he has done. Yes, it started out with him pretending to be your boyfriend. But how many pretend boyfriends would buy a christening present for a baby they don’t know, spend the cash and time to stay in New York City for one night?” Carina didn’t know how to respond. “I can continue if you want me to. How about when Josh showed up at the club and punched that piece of shit in the face? Or when he…”
“Okay, enough. I see your point.” Carina closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. A headache was setting in on top of everything else.
“Carina, did you ever consider that maybe somewhere along the way he just stopped pretending?”
Carina couldn’t let her mind go there. It was too dangerous. “Listen, I’ll text you when I get home. Okay?”
“Alright, but I’m here if you need me. And don’t forget what I said. One phone call and you and me could be vegged out on your couch and putting away a massive amount of calories in a matter of hours.”
“I love you, Morgan.”
“You too, hon.”
Carina ended the call. She put her earbuds back in and switched Pandora stations. A pissed-off blonde with a kick-ass attitude consumed the next few minutes. Carina successfully blocked out all thoughts of Josh and allowed her mind to drift to work and what she knew she would encounter tomorrow. Eric Ross wasn’t a man to let things go.