What the fuck does that mean? I want to question him, but I’m not about to tip my hand and get lost in his secrets. I’m done with secrets. I had so many as a child, and it was so difficult to let them go that I refuse to go back to a time when everything that came out of my mouth was lies. I want to be fun, crazy Sasha Cherlin. But I’ve been Sasha Aston too long to just slide back into the secrets. They make me sick. They make my heart beat fast and my mind spin.
He can keep his secrets. And what do I care if he’s on the up and up with the US government? It’s not like I have any plans to join him in whatever little crusade he has going. I’m going on a date with him tonight so I can get answers tomorrow. That’s it. And I refuse to feel dirty for wanting answers. I have a right to know certain things. Nick was my promise. We were supposed to get married and be partners for life. And yeah, that was dirty. Everything behind that was covered in the filth of the Company. But I have nothing to feel ashamed about. I was too young to understand the implications of what I wanted and what he refused to give me. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t have feelings for him. That doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to know what happened to him after he left me that night.
So screw Jax. He can keep his shit to himself.
“Let me get that for you,” he says as we reach the black limo. I wait as he opens the door and waves me in.
I get in and scoot over, allowing him to get in beside me. By that time the driver is there to close us up and we have a moment of silence as he walks around the car and gets in the front seat. The divider is down and I wait for Jax to send the glass partition sliding upward to give us privacy, but he doesn’t.
Instead he turns his body slightly, brushing his knee against mine in the process, and says, “This is Adam, Sasha. He’s part of the security team.”
I turn my head so he can’t see me roll my eyes. “Nice to meet you, Adam,” I say back, my manners taking over. And then I turn to Jax with my first question as Adam pulls away from the curb. “Where are we going?”
He smiles. No, not really a smile. A smirk that leads me to believe he thinks he’s going to pull something over on me.
“Jesus Christ, Jax. Stop the bullshit. I’m not interested in you. I don’t think you’re cute or funny, and you’re annoying me with all this secret stuff you have going.”
“You don’t think I’m cute?” he asks, smiling that smile again. “Really?”
“Not my type, sorry,” I deadpan back. Silence hangs in the air between us. I squirm in my seat a little. He is cute, but I’m not starting this game.
“Discretion, Miss Cherlin, is something I am always aware of. We need discretion tonight. I don’t want too many eyes and ears on you until we have a deal.”
“There’s no deal in the works. We made a deal, yes. I go out to dinner with you and you give me answers about…” I trail off and glance at Adam, not sure if I should mention Nick’s name.
“Oh, he’s got clearance. He knows all about Nick Tate. More than me, probably.”
Another worm dangled in front of me that I refuse to take as bait. And since I can say nothing that will put me in a position of power right now, I turn my body slightly away from Jax and stare out of the window.
“But I understand what you’re trying to say. You’re only here because I have something you need, and that’s fine. Tomorrow I will give you everything you think you want to know about Nick. And maybe you’ll be able to walk away. But maybe not. It’s possible we will strike a new deal, and if that happens I will gladly bring you into the FBI family with me. All these… precautions can be over. But until then—”
“I’m a secret, right?” This makes me angry. So angry my face begins to heat up and I turn my body another fraction so he can’t watch the way I react to his words.
He leans close to me, eliminating that small distance I was trying to create between us. “Not to me you’re not.”
I don’t answer, just sit in silence as we drive towards the edge of town.
“What I do on the outside, Sasha, is not what I do on the inside.”
“You don’t say.” I don’t even know what that means.
“But let’s drop that for now. And try to have a good time. By the way, I never did find out what you were up to that day.”
“What day?” I say it with an attitude I didn’t realize was brewing. Control, Sasha, I tell myself. No emotions tonight.
“When you came home from Peru early.”
“I wasn’t early,” I say with even more edge. “The internship was over days before I left. I was late.”
“Hmmm. OK. Regardless, you were up to something. And you knew I was on to you, so you curbed whatever it was and walked away from it. I admit, I was surprised you had so much self-control. At first I figured I was wrong about my suspicions. But then I realized you’re very disciplined. So you walking away meant the opposite. It was something very important, wasn’t it?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about now, Jax. And by the way, do you have a last name? I’d like to check your credentials with the FBI after I get what I want tomorrow.”
“Barlow. Jackson Barlow. But everyone just calls me Jax. But back to my question. I have a feeling about what it might be. That secret you’re carrying around. That’s why I’m taking you out tonight.”
“There’s no secret. You’re just some overeager agent who wants to play spies with me.” His deep laugh comes out with a soft rush of air that hits the back of my neck. I pull away and look over my shoulder to find him very up close and personal. “Do you mind? I’m not—hey, where are we?”
“The airport, Miss Aston. I’m sure you recall it from when I brought you home.”
“There better be a five-star restaurant at this crappy little airport, and we had better be dining there tonight. Because if you think I’m getting on a plane with you—”
“We’re having dinner somewhere far better than a five-star restaurant. You don’t go with the flow very well for a girl whose most valuable skill is adapting.”
“I’m not getting on a plane with you.” I cross my arms, signaling that this is final. But he puts an arm around my shoulders and gives the silver fox fur of my coat collar a rub between his fingers. “What the fuck are you doing?”
“Sorry.” He smiles. “The fur is just… exquisite. But as I was saying, we are getting on that plane. Adam is a top-notch pilot, so you don’t have to worry about crashing—”
“No,” I say, reaching behind me to grab his hand and swing it back into his lap.
“—and you know how I know you’re going to get on that plane, Miss Aston?”
“You don’t know, Jax. Because I won’t.”
“Because I have someone you want to meet very badly waiting for us on the other end of the trip.”
“Who?” I regret it as soon as it comes out, because I am picturing Ford, or Ash, or my little sister and brother on the other end. In the split second of silence I have to wait for his answer I am picturing everyone I love, tied up and near death from torture. My body trembles.
“Your aunt.”
Relief rushes out in a long breath of air. “I never had an aunt, Jax. So try again.”
“I know you think that, Sasha. But your mother had a sister. A half-sister. And you and I both know what that means. She was a Company kid. Owned outright. But she was hidden from them by her father. Your grandfather. Don’t you want to know more about the woman who gave up her life to save you? Your aunt is the only link you have to your mother, Sasha. And she’s been wanting to meet you very badly. I said I’d bring you to her the first chance I had. I promised her that you’d hear her story before I let the FBI in on your decision to help us.”
Why does it always come back to that? Mothers and daughters. This is how the Company keeps its ranks. Every mother who gives birth to a girl is given the same options. Pledge that child to the organization and let them turn her into a slave. Or give up your own life for hers, and she will be promised to a Company man when she turns eighteen.
It’s a very effective policy. It’s enslaved women for many generations.
The car pulls up to a waiting jet, about the size of the one we came on last summer, but it’s all black with gold accents on it. I squint my eyes, wondering if I’ve ever seen a black jet before.
“I’m giving you far, far more than you asked for, Sasha. Two mysteries from your past revealed for the price of one. You can’t say no. I understand enough about you to know that to be a fact. You are an empty girl today because of three events that changed your life in unimaginable ways. Your mother’s death when you were born when she gave her life to give you a chance. Your father’s death when you were twelve when he gave his life trying to set you free. And the promise Nick broke when you were thirteen. I know you got your answers about your father years ago. But the last two pieces of the puzzle that is Sasha Cherlin are within your reach. Right now. You can put aside all the questions and get answers. But you need to trust me.”
I swallow down the feelings that are flooding through my body. Another living relative? Can it really be possible? The sting of tears rock my world. The overflowing pain of grief and loss floods my heart.
“Listen,” Jax says, his hand on my shoulder again. “I said you’re safe with me. I meant it.”
I give him a sidelong look, trying to hide the sudden threat of tears.
“I’m not here to rip your world apart, Sasha. I’m here to put it back together. I can do that for you. I promise. I swear on my little brother’s life. I swear on my honor as a man. My position in this fucked-up government as an agent. And the debt I owe to your aunt.”
“What debt?” My words come out shaky and I suddenly feel like a child again. Not the thirteen-year-old assassin, but the twelve-year-old pigtailed girl who liked to read, and hunt dinosaurs, and who dreamed of a life filled with the love of a family she was denied since her first moment.
“She helped me once. She helped put me back together. I was broken too.” Jax waves to Adam as he pulls open my door and steps aside, asking me to exit the car. “She helped Adam. And many, many more. She is a rock, Sasha. Like you. Only she is sure of her place in the world. She wants to give you that gift. And she gives it freely. My offer and her offer are not related. You can come with me tonight and say no to me tomorrow. But Sasha, don’t refuse her because of me. She’s too important to you.”
I step out of the car, not because I want to take his offer and get in that plane, but because if I don’t move quick the tears will fall. And if I cry in front of him, I might never stop. I might reach for his hand and find my cheek against his chest. And if that happens, I’m done. I’m gone. Because if I tell my story to someone, if I let out all the horrors that are hiding inside me… I might never stop crying. It might be a deluge of tears that refuse to end. I will spend the rest of my life wallowing in a pool of self-pity.
I cannot let him in. Not even for a moment. Because one moment leads to the next. They stack up on top of each other like a tower. And that tower will climb into eternity if I’m not careful. I will create an ever-growing tower of eternal sadness if I let one drop of what haunts me out.
So I walk to the plane in silence. My breathing hitches. One inhale with each foot forward, my mind swirling with fear, hate, and longing. One exhale with each emotion as I leave them all behind.
And by the time I’m being guided up the steps of the jet by Jax’s hand on the small of my back, I have it all under control again.
The tears recede. The fear becomes courage. The hate turns to anger. And the longing—well, I keep the longing. I need the longing. I need the emptiness in my heart to remind me of what’s possible.
A life.
Not a half-dead girl who lives in the past.
But a life. A real life filled with the promise of a future. All I need is Nick Tate to fill up the emptiness he left behind and I can be whole again.