The three of us are a nervous wreck as Sasha pushes her key into the door of the hotel room she shared with Nick ten years ago. She takes a sharp inhale, then twists the key and turns the handle.
The cock of shotguns make us all freeze in the blowing snow, but Sasha, confident in her trust of Nick’s final message, pushes the door open anyway.
The two men lower their weapons and come forward, only to be pushed out of the way by two women.
There is shouting—the good kind—and crying. Also the good kind. And she is folded into a foursome embrace for several long seconds.
They notice Harrison next, and the greeting starts again, but this time only from the men, who slap him on the back as they usher us forward into the room. A moment later the door is closed and the room goes dim because the curtains are drawn tight.
I look around, stunned.
Stunned faces look back at me.
There are six girls pressed up against the far wall near the bathroom. Three who look to be sisters under five. One who looks to be a teen, holding a baby. And one who sits alone at the small table, a book clutched to her chest and her feet swinging like she hasn’t got a care in the world. She looks up at me with her brown eyes and she smiles. And then she takes an envelope out of her book and places it on the table, pushing it towards me with one pink finger. “He said to give you that.”
“What?” I look around and every face is turned to me. I know the men. I’ve seen them in pictures. James Fenici and Merc, whatever his real name is. “Hey,” I say, starting to get nervous since both these men, and the women with them for that matter, are Company assassins. “I have never seen this kid before.”
James walks over and plucks the envelope off the table. “Where did you get this?” he asks the little girl. She shrugs and no answer comes forth.
“What’s going on here, James?” Sasha is confused, as am I, and she steps back from James and leans into me a little. I appreciate the gesture.
“I’m not sure yet, Smurf. Merc and I got a text this morning that said to come here immediately. Luckily Harp and I were off the coast of Oregon and I still have pilot friends with planes in San Fran. These six don’t say much.” He gestures to the frightened girls still pressed up to the bathroom vanity. “Of course, only one has any idea,” he says again, this time with irritation. “But I’m pretty sure they’re Company.”
“Fuck you,” the teenager spits. “You don’t know shit about me.”
“You don’t know shit about me either, sister. So shut your trap until I figure this all out.” James looks at Sasha. “See what I mean?”
Sasha smiles and then turns to the little girl with the book. “What are you reading?”
“Little House in the Big Woods. But it’s not for me. It’s for you.” She holds the book out to Sasha, who looks at James and lets out a long breath before accepting it. “He wrote something in the front, but it’s in cursive and I don’t read cursive.”
Sasha takes the book and opens it to the front and starts to read. “‘You didn’t lose it, Sash. Your childhood is right here in this book. You can take it back anytime you want and all you need is a story. Love, Nick.’” She holds it to her chest for a moment, her eyes closed. And then she looks up at me and smiles. “He set this up. He set all of this up. Read the letter, please. Read it. I need to know why.”
“What happened, Sasha?” The blonde woman with James steps out from behind him. “What happened to Nick?”
Harper Tate, I realize. Nick’s twin sister.
Sasha hugs her and starts to cry. “I’m sorry, Harper. I swear to God. I’m so fucking sorry.”
“Shhh,” Harper says, smoothing down Sasha’s hair. “It’s OK. Just tell me what happened.”
I grab the letter out of James’ hand and rip it open. I don’t want Sasha to have to tell this girl she killed her brother. Ever. I know she’ll have to eventually, but I can buy her some time at least.
Dear Jax,
You have every right to hate me. Everyone in this room has every right to hate me. But I want you to know I did my best.
The girl with the book is my daughter, Lauren, and I’m giving her to you.
Because she’s Company. And if I’m dead right now and you’re standing in that hotel room, my plan worked. I killed a lot of people to get to this place. A lot of Zeros and these girls are the last of them. Be patient as they adjust, especially Angelica. She had it the worst and will need some time.
I met a girl a while back. Just some girl in Miami one weekend when I was there doing a job. And she kinda grew on me. I got attached. I got careless. And I never thought about the consequences until it was too late. I was in love with her and she was carrying my child.
I sent her away to keep her safe. But she died during childbirth and it wasn’t even a murder. Of all the ironic ways for her to die, that had to be it? God is cruel.
I didn’t find out what happened for months. It took me that long to get the courage to try to see the baby. I knew I had to walk away and never look back. I had to stay far, far away from that baby. Never claim her as my own. Never see her grow up. And that’s when I decided if I had to give her away, I might as well make it count.
I’m not sorry for killing your little brother. I am sorry that he was a pawn in a dangerous game and he paid for it with his life. But Max Barlow had every intention of turning him into me. Or James. Or Sasha, or Sydney, or Harper. Michael never had a chance.
So condemn me. You earned it. I deserve it. But I’m not sorry and I hope you don’t take it out on my daughter. Because I already told her you were her real dad and you’re a great guy. :)
These other five… well, you get to a place when none of it makes sense anymore. When I came for Angelica, I was at that place. I was already planning on letting the baby live. And the three little ones, they are too young to be considered collateral damage. But Angelica reminded me of Sasha. She put up a good fight when I came for her. Her sarcasm, her confidence, and her strength changed my black killing heart that night. I figured the little ones are easy. The little ones will get over it and never remember. But maybe Angelica deserved a chance too.
It’s not our fault we were born into the Company.
So hate me. I’ll get over it.
But don’t hate these kids.
There’s a suitcase under the bed with all their passports and papers that makes it clear who goes home with whom. Tell James I’m sorry, but he gets Angelica. Tell him he needs a new smurf because Sasha belongs to you. And Harper deserves that baby. She’s wanted one for years and was too afraid to try. But these girls are here. They’re already Company and that can’t be changed. So maybe one day when the girls are older, Harper and Sasha and Sydney will realize it’s really over. We won and they can move on and have their own babies without being afraid the Company will take them away.
Sydney knew the three half-sisters. She killed their father a couple years ago and I know she did that out of love and justice, not revenge. So I figured they were in need of a familiar face.
Tell Sash I love her. I always loved her and I did this for her as much as I did for my own kid. Make sure she understands she can’t save everyone, but she did save me. And I thank her, from the bottom of my rotten heart. I thank her.
I’m sorry it ended this way. But I hope you’ll be there to help her get through it. And I hope you stay in the FBI and keep her safe.
I put all my trust in you, Jax. Don’t let me down.
Your friend,
Nick
I hand the letter to Sasha, who reads it sniffling back tears. She hands it to James and the rest of them read it together. Harper doesn’t ask her question again, but I’m sure, even if they don’t know the details, they know the outcome.
Merc grabs the suitcase and plops it on the bed. Just as promised, there are papers in there for each little girl. James walks over to the one named Angelica, who is still clutching the baby tightly to her chest. I’m not sure which of them needs that comfort more. But does it matter?
“You’re stuck with me, brat. It’s your lucky day. I am known throughout the world for having mad motherfucking parenting skills.”
Angelica stares at him, her eyes darting back and forth. And then she bursts into tears.
James pulls her into a hug. “It’s OK, Crybaby Smurf. We’ll get through it.”
Sydney is already pulling coats on her charges, talking softly as she does it. Smiling even. I can feel an air of relief in the room as they are all bundled up. And then when they are all ready to go, they even start to chat with one another. Just another day as a Company girl. Sydney knows better than anyone how serious an undertaking this is. So she lines the little girls up near the door and then waits for Merc to hug Sasha goodbye. They whisper promises to stay in touch, and then the five of them are outta here.
Harper reaches for the baby and there’s a moment when I figure that Angelica won’t be giving her up, no matter how much sweet talk Harper feeds her. But I’m wrong. She hands her over and starts to gather her things.
Harrison asks if we need a ride, and I’m about to say yes, but really… what’s the hurry? We’ve got nowhere to be. I tell him no thanks and he gives me a knowing nod and says he’ll leave the rental car and call a cab back to the airfield.
A few minutes later Harper has the baby buckled into a car seat and she and James turn to give Sasha a hug goodbye with the same promises Merc and Sydney just muttered.
I shake James’ hand as he goes through the door, and my best guess is that we might never see these people again.
But I’m wrong a lot. A lot.
About Max, who was not the runner of rats, but the rat himself.
About Nick. He murdered children, but he saved them from a life of torture and killing too. All of them. Whether they knew it or not.
About Merc and James. Two murderers who only fight for their families now.
But about Sasha mostly.
She didn’t need me to save her from her past. She needed Nick to do that. But as she takes Lauren’s hand and lead her to the bed with the Little House book, I can see her future.
With me.
“Hey,” I say, as the cold air from the door recedes as I close it. “You got room for me over there?”
Lauren pats the bed and Sasha smiles as I scoot in next to them.
Hate is hard, I decide. It’s hard to hold a grudge for so many years. All the planning and plotting. All the sleepless nights filled with rage and thoughts of revenge. Regrets and remorse. Those are all the hallmarks of hate.
But love is easy. Love is listening to Sasha read a story that takes her back to a simpler time. Love is watching Lauren’s eyes grow heavy from the telling. Love is me letting out that breath I feel like I’ve been holding since I was fifteen.
Love is easy, and not one moment of it is wasted.