Ford Aston’s front door is unlocked, and knowing that Sasha learned everything he knows about security, this concerns me.
“Sasha?” I call out as I enter. “Sasha?” I have a very bad feeling as I move through the front room and into the kitchen. She sounded very distressed on the phone. “Sasha?” I ask again, making my way towards the back of the house. I stop at the bottom of the stairs and listen as I identify the sound of water coming from upstairs. I take the stairs quietly, not sure what to expect.
The bathroom door is open, and for a moment I come to terms with the worst-case scenario.
She killed herself.
No, my rational mind says. Sasha is not a girl who gives up. She’s a fighter. If she wanted to kill herself, she’d throw herself in front of a bullet to save someone else. She would not slit her wrists in a bathroom.
But that fear takes over again as I approach the shower. She’s fully dressed in clothes I recognize as my own, slumped on the tiled floor.
“Sasha,” I whisper.
Her head raises, just enough for her thundercloud eyes to peer up at me through her wet and stringy hair.
“Sasha,” I say, opening the glass door and reaching for her. The water is freezing cold, and when I touch her arm, it’s ice.
She tilts her head all the way up to me and whispers, “I already died, Jax. I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop crying and it scares me.”
I pull her up out of the puddle of water on the floor. She doesn’t resist, but she doesn’t help much either. “Come here,” I say, lifting her off her feet and cradling her in my arms. “Let’s get you out of these clothes.”
She buries her head in my chest and the sobs start. Long, hitching breaths of sadness.
“It’s OK, killer. You can cry if you want.” I need to know what happened, but she needs me to take care of her first. So I carry her into the hallway and she points to a room.
I take her in there and stand her up in the center of a black rug that covers most of the dark hardwood floor. It’s her childhood room, I realize, and just the fact that I have an opportunity to get a little glimpse of this part of her life makes things just a little better. “Lift your arms,” I say as I tug her wet shirt off. I have her lift each leg so I can take off her shoes, and then I tug the wet sweatpants over her hips.
She stands there in the black boxer briefs I gave her last night, shivering uncontrollably. “He left me, Jax.” Her teeth chatter to the rhythm of her shaking body. “He left me.”
“Shhh,” I say. “We’re not talking about anyone else but us right now.” I reach behind my head and take off my shirt, throwing it on the floor. And then I kick my shoes off and drop my pants.
I stand there in my black boxer briefs and we stare at each other. Not at our bodies. We look each other in the eyes.
And then I hold out my arms. “Come here,” I whisper. “Come here and I’ll warm you up.” She takes a step forward and crumples into my arms, sobbing hysterically. “It’s OK, Sasha. It’s OK. You’re always safe with me, remember?”
She nods into my chest.
“But you’re cold. So let’s get you a hot shower this time, warm up, and rest for a little bit. The world can wait until we’re done.” I lead her back into the bathroom and then turn the water on hot, checking the temperature until it’s warm enough to motion for her to get in.
She takes off her underwear, and steps under the spray of water. I watch as she goes through the motions and when she’s done I turn the water off and hold up a towel for her.
We go back into her bedroom and she shuffles through some drawers until she comes up with night clothes and then I lead her over to the modern low-profile bed and pull back the black down-filled comforter. She climbs in without me asking and then I lie down next to her, pulling her into my arms. “Just relax.” I stroke her wet hair, then her cheek. “Just relax. You’re not dead and you’re not dying. I’m here now, and there’s no way I’m gonna let you drown yourself in tears.”
She nestles her face into my neck and lets off a long gasping sigh. But her crying slows, and after several minutes, her breathing evens out.
I just hold her as she drifts off, thinking about what she said on the phone. She’s right. It’s not fair. Nothing about her life has been fair. She was born into the very definition of unfair. Lost her whole family as a child. Lost the one man she thought was gonna be with her forever. And then she lost herself to the new family that took her in.
There is no doubt in my mind that Ford was the answer to all her problems back then. But when you have to pretend to be someone else for ten years, there’s no way that doesn’t have consequences.
“I have never needed saving.”
“You’re silly, Sasha Aston. You have always needed saving. And I’m here now. So it’s OK to admit it.”
She starts crying again. Harder than before.
“Shhh.” I pet her hair. “Please don’t,” I whisper. “Please don’t cry because I want to help you.”
“I can’t take it anymore, Jax.” She shakes her head against my chest. “I can’t do it anymore. I just want it to be over so fucking bad. For ten years I’ve tried to convince myself that we won. But we didn’t. We didn’t do anything but change the game.”
“That’s not so bad, you know. It’s better than giving up and doing nothing.”
“It feels like nothing. Every moment of struggle feels worthless right now. I just want to curl up and give in.”
God, she is so sad. I can’t stand it. “Give in to me, then,” I say. “It’s the only answer I have right now. Just let me take care of you and I promise, I can help you. I will be your friend. Like those other friends you have, Sasha. I will die for you too. Just trust me. Give me that and I’ll do everything in my power to make it end.”
She pulls away from me, her chest and head back, trying to see my face. She sniffles, and then she reaches up and touches my face with her fingertips. “I’m falling for you, Agent Jax. I’m falling for you and your promise. And that scares me. Because every time I find something good in this world—Nick, or James and Harper, or even Merc—they take them away.”
“No, they’re still here.”
But she shakes her head. “James and Harper have been running for ten years. They can’t even come visit us here because of Kate. My little sister Kate is half Company kid, Jax. And James was afraid if he came around to watch his niece grow up, they’d find out about her and kill her.”
Fuck. I didn’t know about the little sister. Why the fuck didn’t I know?
“And Sydney keeps Merc away. If he comes around too much, she might lead them to us both. So even though they all get each other, I am left with no one who understands the fear I live with every single day. My secret is out. And that means my days are numbered. They’re gonna come get me, so if I trust you and your promise, you’ll break it. They’ll make you break it. They’ll kill you to get to me, and I’ll still be here. That’s my curse. I’m a survivor, remember? I’m a survivor. But it’s no fun being the only survivor, Jax. It’s no fun being the only one left.”
I place my hand on her cheek, mimicking her tender gesture. “I won’t let that happen, Sasha. I won’t.”
“I went to a little girl’s birthday party today. Sparrow, her name is. She’s the daughter of one of my mom’s best friends. And they all had babies together, ya know? Like best friends do when they all get married. And it hit me while I was watching all those little precious girls play and laugh and have a good time. It hit me that I will never get that opportunity. I will never have children, Jax. Because every child who comes from my bloodline will be Company property.”
“Sasha…” But she’s right. She can’t escape her fate. She is who she is.
“I can’t bring a girl into this world and risk them being stolen away and turned into me, or Harper, or God forbid, Sydney. And I can’t have a baby boy without wondering if they will make him crazy like James or Nick.
“My mom has no idea what they really do. She didn’t listen to Sydney tell her story from beginning to end, like I did. They treated her like an animal. Trained her like the dogs my dad keeps for protection. Only our dogs are family members. They are loved. Sydney’s humanity was… discarded. She went crazy and lost touch with reality. She tried to kill me and Merc. Two years ago I was abducted by her handler. He poisoned me with drugs and almost—”
Her words drop off, and my rage builds as the understanding of what he almost did sinks in.
“When Sydney was being controlled, she held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me if Merc didn’t drop his rifle.” Sasha looks at me and shakes her head. “And he did, Jax. He dropped that rifle without a second thought about what would happen to him. And maybe the Company didn’t succeed with me. But they have so many opportunities. Because when people fall in love, they want to express that love by having children. The Company will never run out of opportunities, Jax, because people will never stop falling in love.”
“We can’t let them win, Sasha. We can’t.”
“They’ve already won. You remember when I came home early from my trip to Peru last summer? And you thought I was seeing Nick?”
“Yeah,” I whisper.
“I wasn’t seeing Nick, Jax. I was setting up a safe house of my own. Only not for me. For Company girls. I have a house in Golden, Colorado. Up near my old school. And I have it stocked and ready. I even have a girl who lives there full time. Her sole purpose is to take care of these girls we find.”
“Oh, God. I’m so sorry for accusing—”
But she stops my words with a shake of her head. “No, you don’t understand. We have the house, the supplies, everything. But we have no girls. We can’t even find them. We have no idea where to start looking. And it’s like fate is spitting in my face, Jax. It’s telling me to give up. Because I can’t ever succeed. I can try and try and try. I have millions of dollars from when we stole the Company’s money and all I want to do with my life is help those Company girls. Harper and Sydney and I talked about it once. We said we’d never let it happen again. That we’d find a way. So I set up that safe house. But none of that matters in the end, because I have no idea where to find the girls. They are everywhere, I know that. And that’s so much worse. Because they’re nowhere at the same time. I’m a total failure. I’m a fraud. I’m a killer masquerading as an academic. Hiding behind a new name and a new life. But none of it is real. Sasha Aston isn’t real. Only Sasha Cherlin exists. And she’s dead, Jax. She’s a ghost. So what’s left for me?”
I lean down slowly and cover her lips with mine. I kiss her and she tastes like tears. It hurts my heart when her sadness melts into my mouth. And then I pull back and whisper, “Me, Sasha. I’m what’s left. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I will keep my promise. And your aunt—”
“She’s one of them, Jax. Nick came here today. That’s why I didn’t answer my phone. I was outside with him. And he said she’s bad. I felt it as soon as I met her. She’s bad. They keep kids too—”
“It’s not the same, Sasha. Nick doesn’t know what she’s been doing.”
“You’re wrong. Nick knows everything. He always has. Nick pulls strings and makes mountains move, Jax. He’s the leader of the Company now. He said so himself. And I know you want revenge for your brother, but I want him alive, Jax. If you want to save me, then you have to let me save him.”
“Fuck that,” I say. “Fuck that. You don’t need him to save yourself, killer. Because you have me now. So fuck him. Just fuck—”
She puts her fingertips over my lips and says, “Shhh. I have this moment with you. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s to take your moments as they come.” Her hand slips down to my shoulder and then her mouth is on my neck. Her soft kiss sends a shiver of pleasure up my spine. “Love me, Jax. If you really want to save me, then love me. Make our moment count.”