“I need more, Sasha. I need more from you than begging. I need some truth.”
I kiss his neck again, moving up, gripping his hair. “I’ll tell you anything you want to know about it, Jax.” I breathe those words into his ear. “Just ask.” He slides his fingers into my hair and pulls my face into him. I inhale his scent. He smells like freedom, and truth, and the rain.
“Why did Nick risk everything?” I bow my head, but Jax tips my chin up to make me face him. “Just tell me why, Sasha. Why a man like that would leave the gangs and come back to America just to have a few words with you.”
“He needs me,” I say.
But Jax is shaking his head. “No, that’s not why.”
“I have secrets, and skills, and these are all things—”
“No, Sasha.” he says firmly. “That’s not why. Tell me why he came back.”
I can only shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know. I don’t know. He’s done some bad things. He left me and he has regrets. He wants to be forgiven.”
“That’s not why.” Jax’s mouth is in a severe frown. “Can’t you say it? Or can’t you believe it?”
“I don’t understand, Jax. Just tell me what you want—”
“To hear? Is that what you think this is about? Telling me what I want to hear?” He closes his eyes and sighs. And then his hand drops from my face and finds the dip of the muscle of my upper arm. He caresses my skin for a few seconds before nipping my shoulder.
I inhale sharply, the slight pinch catching me off guard.
“You’re real,” he says, inching his body down. His lips find the center of my breast, and then he nips again. This time I’m ready for it, but my back arches because it feels so good. “You’re real,” he repeats.
He turns me so I’m flat on my back and takes my hands in his, entwining our fingers together. And then he lifts them above my head and holds them on the pillow for a moment, so he can look into my eyes. His face dips down to mine. “You’re real,” he breathes into my mouth. “Say it back, Sasha.”
“I’m real,” I mouth back, almost no sound escaping.
He lets go of my hands. “Trust me now.”
“I do,” I say, closing my eyes.
He sits up, straddling my hips, the muscles of his legs pressing against my outer thighs. And then he leans down and kisses my stomach. The soft pecks turn into little nibbles and then he sweeps his tongue straight down between my legs, licking the fabric of my panties. “Why am I here, Sasha?”
“You want me,” I answer, filled with sadness and longing.
“No,” he says. I open my eyes and find him looking up at me from his position over my stomach. His blue eyes are bright from the dim light of the clock on my beside table. “I already have you. Tell me why I’m here.”
“You need me.”
He lets out a soft puff of air in a laugh that floats across my skin and gives me a shiver. “I do need you, but not how you think. Now stop being tough for a minute and think, killer.” He licks my belly button and then bites the tender skin that surrounds it. I let out a little gasp at the new pinch. “Just tell me why I’m here. I promise, you will feel nothing but relief after.”
I shake my head at him. “I don’t even know you.”
“And yet here we are.”
“I just met you.”
“We’ve been together twice already. And both times it was your idea.”
“I don’t know why I did that—”
“Don’t,” he says, reaching up to squeeze my breast with one hand.
I whimper a little, but not because of the pain. At least not the pain from his hand. The pain of what he’s asking me to say.
“Don’t do that. Don’t run anymore. Just stay here with me. You’re safe. I told you that. Every word you say. Every feeling you accept. Every fear you let go. You’re gonna be safe with me. I promise. And I’m not Nick, Sasha. I don’t break my promises. So just say it. Tell me why I’m here.”
I feel the tear slip out and roll down my cheek. “You think you love me,” I sob.
He smiles. “Yes.”
“You don’t even know me.”
“I know you, Sasha Aston. I know you.” He reaches up and swipes that lone tear away. “You’re brave, and smart, and so fucking beautiful.” He whispers the last few words. “And even though I’ve tried to show you, I don’t think you know me at all. You’re my partner now. Whether you accept my offer or not, you’re my partner. And I will not walk away. Do you hear me?”
I nod.
“I will not walk away. So tell me, now that you understand that. Tell me why Nick is here.”
I take a deep breath and the words spill out with the air on the exhale. “He loves me.”
Jax smiles. “And why did your friend James drop you off at this house back when you were thirteen?”
“Because he loves me.”
“And why did your friend Merc drop his rifle for you, Sasha?”
“He loves me.”
“Yes. You’re very, very fucking real to those people. They love you. You told me this yesterday with such confidence, but I don’t think you believed it. And maybe I’d do it different, but maybe not. Maybe this end is the only way all the wrongs can be righted.”
I nod, lying there on the bed, spread open before him. Helpless because I choose to be, and not because I’m tied up, or being threatened, or fear for my life or the life of others.
And looking up at him, I realize that even though he’s on top of me and my hands are above my head, he’s put me in a position of control. He looks up at me, waiting for acceptance, knowing I can find a way out of his hold on my mind and my body. Trusting me to give in and be still. To listen to his words and think about them in my own way. On my own time.
The tears start again. “I’m so fucking sad,” I sob. “I’m so fucking sad, Jax. I’ve lost everything and still they find new things to take from me. And if they take Nick, that will just be the final nail in my coffin. Because if they can take the things that they already took, over and over again, then when will it stop? When will it end?”
“I don’t know, Sasha. But the thing is, no one does. No one knows when the pain will stop and the joy will begin. My brother walked away from a murder scene yesterday. He lost everything he had built up over the past few years. I guarantee, he feels just like you do right now. But who knows how he’ll feel in a year? Who knows how many good things will happen if he lets them? You’re not any different than the rest of us, Sasha. You’re not any more or less in control of the future than me or him. But each step you took to leave Sasha Cherlin behind was one step forward into the life of Sasha Aston.”
“I don’t know who Sasha Aston is, Jax. She’s this thirteen-year-old girl who got a new name and a new life. She went to school and got good grades. She has a bazillion dollars and not one penny can buy her happiness.”
“So stop trying to buy it. You don’t need to buy it, Sasha. Happiness is free. You just have to accept it.”
“Will you love me?” I ask, another sob escaping. I have never asked anyone this question before and it makes me feel so naked.
“I already do,” he replies back. “I already do.”
“Show me, Jax. Show me how you’ll love me.”
His grin makes me laugh through my tears. He moves off of me and lies flat on his back beside me. He takes my hands down from above my head and pulls me on top of him. And then he holds my face and kisses me deep. Our tongues twist together, picking up the dance we started yesterday.
I break away first and inch myself down his body, kissing and nipping him the way he did me a few minutes ago. He places his hand on my head, urging me to keep going. So I find the edge of his boxers and pull them down. His cock is hard and ready. His breathing picks up and becomes louder. And when I touch the tip of my tongue to the top of his head, he fists my hair and pushes me down. I open my mouth and take him in, sucking, then withdrawing so I can lick the side of his shaft. He throbs with anticipation. I place his cock back on my tongue and close my lips tightly, making him moan.
I give in to him. I give myself to him.
He reaches down and grabs one of my hands and brings it to his mouth. I look up at him as he kisses my knuckles. And this is when I realize I’ve never been with a man like this. I’ve never let anyone see inside me before. The sex I had was mechanical. A release and nothing more.
But making love with Jax is like a celebration.
I suck him harder, massaging him as I move my face closer and closer with each dip. His cock penetrates my mouth like his words penetrated my soul earlier. We float there together in some ethereal ecstasy. I lose time with him. I lose track of everything as I make him moan. He begins to thrust his hips up to meet my face. I know he’s close, so I take him as deep as I can.
He comes down my throat and instead of being disgusted, I swallow all of him. He’s warm, and safe, and mine.
“Fuck,” he growls. “Come here, Sasha.” He pulls me up by my hand, so I crawl up his body. He tugs on my underwear until he gets them to my knees and I have to maneuver to get them off my legs.
“Get on top,” he says, anxious to keep going.
“No,” I say, lying down beside him. “You get on top. I want to feel your body covering mine. I want to feel every inch of your skin in contact with me.”
His smile is like sunshine as he slowly moves to grant my wish. He reaches down and lifts my thigh, hiking it to the side, up next to my stomach. And then he eases himself between my legs, his cock already hard again, gently rubbing against my entrance. He cups my face, and my lips part as his thumb gently caresses my lips. He enters me both ways, making me arch my back against his hips as he fills me up.
We find the light in the darkness that way. We see each other for what we really are.
Not secret-keepers. Not hunters. Not parts of a whole.
But just us.
And for the first time in my whole life, I feel… real.