“What are you doing?” Harrison asks as we settle into the short flight to Fort Collins.
“What do you mean?”
He shoots me a dubious look. “I’m not stupid. You call me when you need to get somewhere fast. So what’s going on today?”
“Just Sparrow’s birthday, that’s all.”
“You sure about that?”
“Jesus, Harrison. I’m not a kid anymore. I do grown-up stuff and I don’t have to explain myself.”
He sighs. “I know that. But I don’t want you taking any risks.”
I squint my eyes at him. “I swear to God, I’m just dropping by for a visit.”
“So you want me to wait around and take you home?”
“Uh…”
“Or back to that town that is not your home?”
“No. OK, look. I’ll tell you something, but don’t tell anyone else. It’s my thing and I’ll deal with it, OK?”
He gives me a conspiratorial nod. “OK.”
I take a deep breath and let it out with my words. “I got kicked out of grad school.”
“What?”
“My mentor said I wasn’t serious about anthropology as a career and I needed to take a sabbatical to think through my options.”
“That’s it?”
“What do you mean that’s it?” I know what he means. This man has been with me through some pretty fucked-up Company plans. But I’m not about to tell him Nick is back or the FBI is asking me to join up with them. “That’s a big deal, you know. I’ve been working my ass off for years for this and it all gets taken away in one afternoon.”
“When did this happen?”
“Yesterday.”
“Who lives in Falls City?”
“My boyfriend,” I huff. “Any more questions?”
“Where is he now?” Harrison’s squinting his eyes even more. He knows I’m hiding something, but what I’m saying makes sense, so what’s he gonna do about it but ask more questions?
“He left for Denver last night. For business.”
“So you’re lonely.”
“I guess. But more importantly, it’s Sparrow’s birthday.”
“Hmph.”
I win.
So I smile. But I look out the window as I do it so he’ll stop with the interrogation. We talk about other stuff the rest of the ride and then when I’m on the ground and I figure I’m gonna get away with no more discussion, he gives it one more try.
“I’m serious about the ride home. If you need one, just call.”
But I’m ready for it. “I’m gonna stay at home and think about my options. There’s no reason to go so far away when all my family is here. But if I do, I will call, believe me. Driving home to Kansas is not my idea of fun.”
“I’m gonna drive down to Boulder to visit my brother then, OK? I’ll be here for the weekend if you need me.”
He thinks I’m in trouble. And I might be, but I’m not sure yet. So I accept his offer of help with a kiss to the cheek and then exit the plane and make my way to the terminal.
The local airport is small, but they know me. I called ahead and asked them to find me a rental car, so it’s ready for me when I get there.
Ten minutes later I’m on my way into town.
I check Spencer and Veronica’s bike shop, Shrike Bikes, first. It’s right in the small downtown, and I need to drive by it to get to Rook’s or Veronica’s house.
I hit the jackpot there, because there’s balloons flying in bunches near the side door. I park the car next to Spencer’s red truck with his shop logo on it, and as soon as I get out I hear the squealing of little girls coming from inside. Ronnie used to be a tattoo artist at her family shop a block down the street. But she retired after she got pregnant. Now she body-paints in the back of the bike shop.
I open the back door and there are kids running everywhere. It looks like tattooed princesses threw up in here. Five wasn’t kidding when he said Sparrow was having a biker party. Every little girl is wearing those fake tattoo sleeves, jeans with tutus on them, and tiaras.
God. I have never seen anything so adorable in my whole life.
“Sasha!” Princess Rory squeals. “Look, Mommy! It’s Sasha!”
Veronica stops painting a little girl’s face and beams up at me. “Hey! I wasn’t sure you’d come.”
“Hey, Sasha,” Rook says, her younger little girl, Starling, on her hip. She likes to name her girls after birds. “Wanna help me out for a second?” She holds Starling out to me.
“Sure,” I say, taking the baby. “What’s up, little cutie?” I ask as I nuzzle her nose. Her gummy smile brightens my whole life. I miss having babies around. Both Five and Kate were very small when I moved in with Ford and Ashleigh. Five was a newborn and Ashleigh was glad to have help since Kate had just turned one.
Rook goes off to help Sparrow open her presents, and I take my attention back to Ronnie. “When Five said Sparrow was having a biker theme, I thought he was kidding.”
“Don’t ask. But these girls are crazy for tattoos and bikes right now. I blame Spencer. He made mini-Shrike Trikes for them, and they think they’re in a motorcycle club now.”
“Oh my God. I might die.”
“They want patches and leather jackets. And Rory asked me for Frye boots like mine.”
I’m smiling so big as I picture this pack of princesses dressed up like Spencer. “Does their club have a name?”
Ronnie rolls her eyes. “Spencer calls them the Shrike Sisters.”
“Damn, I miss all the good stuff living so far away. I should move home.”
“Home?” Ronnie stops her face-painting and looks up at me. “What about school?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I’m not cut out for school.”
“No? Well, you should talk to Rook. Remember when she dropped out?”
“Yeah, and it all worked out for her. She won that indie film festival prize three times now.”
“Yeah, so you know, if you want to dig dinosaur bones—”
“What if I don’t want to dig dinosaur bones?”
“What?” Ronnie is really confused now. “But that’s always been your dream.”
“I know, but don’t you think it’s a little childish? I mean, what kind of job is that?”
“It’s not a job, Sasha,” she says, going back to her face-painting. “It’s your passion.”
“I guess.”
She looks up at me again, her brush in mid-stroke, painting flames up the side of the little girl’s cheek. “Unless you’re just over it? Like me. I always wanted to be an artist. I used to think I was above tattoos and lament about how all I wanted was to be taken seriously as an artist. But you know what my passion is?”
“What?”
“Being a mom.” She smiles down at the girl as she finishes her design. “OK, Jenny, you’re done. Go watch Sparrow open presents.” Little Jenny, who must be a new friend because I’ve never seen her before, jumps up and runs off squealing for the other girls to look at her face. “And don’t touch it,” Ronnie calls, “or you’ll smear it all over!” She stands up and walks over to the sink to wash her hands. “Yeah, I wanted to be an artist, but this shit is just fun, Sasha. I mean it. This party is not even for my kid and I couldn’t do enough to help Rook plan for it. I always wanted to be Spencer’s wife, but I had no idea how much joy having his children would be.”
“Wow.”
“You’re not like me though, I know that. So if you’re thinking you’d like a different career, then go for it. You can change your mind any time you want, Sash. You’re so young.”
“I’m the same age you were when you got pregnant with Rory, though.”
“So? You can’t live your life on someone else’s timeline. Find your passion, like I did. And then give it all you’ve got.”
I nod, but then Rory and her three other girls are yelling for her to come watch as Sparrow opens her presents. Rook and Ronnie have been friends forever, it seems. They are raising their kids together as a team. Ashleigh too. But Ash and Ford are their own best friends. They mostly hang out together.
I want all of that. I want a guy like Ford and friends like Ash, and Rook, and Ronnie. And when I get out my checklist for happiness, I have none of those boxes ticked off.
I watch the presents being opened, then the singing, and the cake. But it’s too much for me today. It’s too much to sit here and take in all the things I don’t have. It’s heartbreaking to realize that I’m twenty-four years old and I have nothing to show for it but a long list of could’ve-beens and failures.
So I kiss all the Shrike Sisters, and hug their mommies, and get back in my crappy rental car so I can go spend the night alone at my parents’ house.
I drive slow down Mountain Avenue and pull the car into the driveway. I cut the engine and sit there in silence for a few seconds, pondering what I should do next.
I have no school to go back to. I’m sleeping with an FBI agent who wants me to rewrite my life plan and join him in hunting the lingering Company assholes. And the man who broke his promise to me is back in the picture.
Crossroads.
I feel like a kid back out on the prairie waiting for James to come kill me or save me.
It was a toss-up. My future was up in the air and it could’ve gone either way. But it went this way.
So here I am. Alone, lonely, and wishing so bad I could do it all over again, it hurts my heart.
Because I fucked up. Somewhere along the way, I fucked up.
And even though Jax is fun and makes me forget all the mistakes I made, I want to remember. I want to remember every single one of them so I can set them right.
And there is only one person alive who can help me do that.
Nick.