I come to and it sounds like I’m in a helicopter. Without the ear plugs it would be deafening. My body vibrates. Oxygen is strapped over my face and an IV is in my arm. I look around hoping I’ll see him. Kind eyes study me but they’re not his. I think I imagined his voice.

“We’re almost there,” the man yells.

I gasp and shut my eyes. All my focus goes toward pushing. We land and I’m wheeled out. I want to be aware of my surroundings, but this baby is making it hard to think of anything else. I feel someone by my feet, pushing my legs wider.

“You’re doing good,” a woman says. “Looks like the baby is not going to wait!” She chuckles. “You’re in an FBI facility. You’re safe here.”

“Oh thank God,” I whisper.

“Name’s Angela and I’ve delivered lots of babies. Just breathe and concentrate on pushing…”

I grip her hand as if it’s my salvation and push until my veins feel as if they’re going to explode out of my body. When I hear my baby cry for the first time, I’m edging delirium. I lift my head to see her and quickly sag back into the pillow when Angela lifts her up so I can see. Tears blur my focus, but I can still make out her perfect features. She’s tiny, but if the way her lungs are working is any proof, I think she’ll be okay. Angela places her on my chest and tucks a warm blanket around us.

The world comes to a standstill as I stare at my girl in wonder. She stops crying and looks up at me.

“Astra Simone, you are the beginning of a new bloodline of Fontenots,” I whisper. “You are my hope and my happiness.” My tears drip on her face and I smile, wiping her cheek. “Your body and your mind will always be your own, my love. I will do everything in my power to protect you, everything. I promise.”

* * *

Astra weighs four pounds and eleven ounces, and everything looks good from her tests. She’s alert and breathing with no help. I’m in awe of her. She’s in an incubator next to me and I hold her foot and talk to her until we both fall asleep. A knock on the door jars me awake. I’m having a hard time keeping my eyes open, but I mumble for them to come in.

Angela steps in first. “I’d hoped they’d let you rest longer, but crime waits for no one.” She glares at the men behind her. Two distinguished-looking gentlemen walk in and stand at the foot of the bed, hands clasped behind their backs.

The taller one speaks first. “My name is Tomas Ford and I’m with the Federal Bureau of Investigation.” He motions to the man next to him, who picks up where he left off.

“And I’m Michael Samson of the United States Marshals Service.”

“Your daughter is beautiful. We’d also hoped to give you more time to recover, Mrs. Santelli, but it was urgent we speak with you,” Mr. Ford says.

“Please don’t call me that.”

“I apologize. Lilith?”

“Lili.”

“Lili it is.” He motions to the chair. I nod and he sits down. Mr. Samson continues to stand.

“I’ll get right to it then,” he says. “We need you to answer a few questions.”

I nod.

“What was your involvement with Nico Santelli?”

I’m incredulous. “He kept me as a prisoner for the past year.” I don’t give them any more than that. “How about you tell me where you’ve been all this time.”

“I’m so sorry for the trauma you’ve endured, Mrs.—Lili. I’ll fill you in as much as I’m permitted. We watched Nico’s uncle, Antonio Santelli, for a decade and he managed to evade us at every turn. Since your husband took over, Nico hasn’t covered his tracks very well … except when it comes to you. We knew nothing about you until the day of the ribbon cutting at L’hôtel Amour.” He clears his throat. “He started slipping especially around the time of his uncle’s death, which we believe he was responsible for. We were able to track his location and put an undercover agent in the house around the time of the funeral—one who already had the trust of Nico. Up until a week ago, he was leaking details about you and Nico’s business dealings. He assured us you were being held there against your will, but I wanted confirmation from you. We have every reason to believe that’s the case, since you tried to escape. But it’s also our understanding that you shot our informant twice.”

I stare at them in shock and swallow hard, shaking my head, remembering the other guard after Cal. “No, he had a gun … two guns … on me…” I notice my surroundings then. It’s like another cell. There are no windows, no decorations; a lifeless room. I start trembling.

“Andy Ortiz would have done everything possible to protect the case, but not at the expense of you. I’ve worked with him for twenty years and trust him with my life. If anyone else was endangering you, he would have risked everything to save you.”

The scene replays over and over through my head, looking much different now that I’ve heard the truth.

“Cal was reaching for another gun and told Andy to kill me. When Andy pulled out another gun, I didn’t think, I just shot. I killed an agent?” I start crying and the baby stirs and whimpers. “I’m sorry. This is all so confusing. What happens now? Do I go to jail?”

Mr. Ford looks much calmer than anyone discussing dead people should. “We’ll want to hear your testimony, but because of Andy Ortiz, we know some of what you’ve been through and were able to get more than enough to put Nico away. We raided the house a couple of days ago and it appears he is the only one who escaped. Evidence is being pulled from the house still.” He pauses to see if I’m still listening and continues. “When you’re released from here, you’ll be heavily guarded, and once Nico is caught, you’ll be put into the witness protection program—Mr. Samson is here to talk to you about that.”

Mr. Samson speaks up. “It can take a few weeks to place someone in the program, but with you being at such high risk, we’ll make sure to secure you as soon as possible.”

“Do I get a say in any of this?” I ask.

They glance at each other briefly.

Mr. Ford’s attempt at a gentle smile comes across as patronizing. He wants something from me. I recognize that look; it’s one my mother gave me often. My gut twists.

“Our job is to put Nico away. He won’t be able to hide too long, his cockiness will lead us to him. In the meantime, your safety is crucial to us and we’ll do everything to uphold that. We’ll need you to testify when this goes to trial, Lili.”

I shake my head. “I shouldn’t have to see him again. Don’t you have enough on him without me?” I sit up higher in the bed and take a deep breath, trying to not wake up the baby. “I’m sorry if I don’t trust you to find him—I’ve been missing all this time and no one even knew I was missing,” I hiss.

“We’re told your ex-husband, Soti Christos, was very vocal about the lack of attention regarding your disappearance,” Mr. Ford says.

That stops me cold. I wait for him to say more, but he doesn’t.

“Does he know I’m here?” I whisper.

“No, and if we have any hope of protecting you, he can’t know. No one can.”

I’m in complete agreement there, not only for my sake, but Soti’s. He deserves a life free of the pain that goes hand-in-hand with me. The best thing for him is to forget I exist. I’m quiet too long and they get antsy. Mr. Samson coughs lightly and Mr. Ford’s fingers tap together. Tap, tap, tap. I stare at him until he stops.

“Let me put it to you this way, Lilith. You’ve been a major player in the prostitution ring in the French Quarter for years. Then there was the arson to your place that we still haven’t gotten to the bottom of. You were arrested, the charges were suspiciously dropped … and you shock us by showing up with New Orleans’ largest crime lord—turns out you’re married and having his baby, AND he’s fixed up your burned up house real nice and added a hotel. Lotta money in it for you. Then you kill one of our undercover agents. That’s a lot stacked against you.”

There’s the real character. He lured me in with false security and then goes for the kill. I shiver and tuck the blanket around me.

“Now, we can make sure none of that pops back up, or we can take a closer look at why you seem to be the common denominator here. How about you help us and we’ll help you.”

All pretense has been set aside, and now we all quietly assess how much we can get out of the other.

I give in first. “Promise me that my baby and Soti Christos will be protected and I’ll testify against Nico.” I shakily finger the rim of the blanket and then cover my hand so they can’t see my nerves. “And if you also agree to protect me in all of this, I will give you information about Bentley and Kell Waters, a man called Dr. Bryson, and Alexis Fontenot, my mother … all information that’s relevant to this case.

* * *

After my experience with Nico, it’s going to take a lot for me to trust anyone, but the day I meet Jennie, and the days following, are life-changing. She’s the exception. There’s something about her that I immediately trust, similar to the way I felt when I looked into Soti’s eyes, a knowing. She doesn’t have to say much: “Hi, I’m Jennie. I’ll be going with you and Astra to California.” And in that sentence and the warmth in her eyes, I hear her heart: I will defend you to death, if it ever comes to that. You can count on me.

Why is a bond formed instantly with some people? I don’t know how with some you just instantly know. Before Soti, I didn’t believe it was possible. He paved the way. Now that I’m positive it exists, I don’t want to waste my time on anyone but the few whose hearts link with mine. It’s more than a feeling, it’s a deep down truth: some people are forever locked in love in one meeting, whether it’s ever spoken out loud or just known in the gut. If I can learn to hone in on that intuition, I think I’ll survive, maybe even be happy. I’m forging ahead. I know I could doubt everyone and everything, but I won’t let the love Soti showed me be in vain. I want to learn from it, grow from it, and experience all life has to offer. Even if I can’t have him—especially since I can’t have him—I want to make sure I don’t miss any other quality relationships.

I think about him constantly. I’m telling myself it’s my way of saying goodbye. It’s a process. I’m not sure I’ll ever fully get over him, but I hope soon I’ll be able to let go. Maybe once I know we’re settled.

Jennie walks in as I’m changing Astra. “I swear she’s grown every time I walk in the room.”

“I know. It’s only been two weeks and she’s outgrown the preemie clothes.” I pick up Astra and stick my nose in her neck, inhaling her baby smell.

“You ready to get on that plane tomorrow?” Jennie asks.

My heart quickens every time I think about my first flight on a tiny private plane, but I haven’t let anyone else know. There have been so many firsts the past year, I’ve lost count. What’s one more?

“I’ve never been more ready. I just have one more thing to take care of before we leave.”

* * *

Mr. Ford slides the papers in front of me and allows me time to read them. A lawyer and notary are also present, but even with us all crammed in the office, it’s silent. No one smiles and it’s a mercy. I’ll lose it if anyone shows me kindness.

The lawyer clears his throat after a few minutes and picks up his copy of the will. “Okay, if you’ve had time to read the papers thoroughly, let’s get started.” His eyes peer over the documents and I nod. He reads page after page out loud and when he’s done, he waits for my acknowledgment. Once I’ve agreed it’s all in order, he points to the list of addresses to verify if they’re correct.

I study them and nod. “Yes, everything seems to be in order.”

“Very well. Take your time looking over the papers and when you’re ready, sign at every X.”

The gravity of what I’m doing sinks in and my signature is shaky. All that matters now is protecting Astra.