I pluck a dozen lemons off the tree and put them in a basket, moving toward the tomatoes. I don’t think I’m biased when I say we’ve had the best tomatoes I’ve ever eaten. I pick a plump one and can’t even wait to wash it. I take a big bite and the juice runs down my chin. Jennie laughs.

“You’re gonna be a sticky mess,” she says.

“I don’t care,” I sing back to her.

Astra is in her bouncy seat next to me, sitting in the shade. She’s almost three months old and I can’t believe how big she is. She laughs when I sing, so I don’t stop. I bend down to kiss her and she latches onto my chin, sucking as hard as she can.

Jennie loses it. We laugh harder at the suction cup sound Astra makes when she lets go. I sit on the little bench by the back door and lift my top. She nurses like a greedy little beast, so loud that I flush.

“I guess you were hungry,” I coo at her.

The breeze blows my hair into her face and she crinkles her nose. I like it here; the weather has been perfect and I love having fresh fruit and vegetables outside my back door. We’re in Campbell, California, and even though we’re in town, it feels like we’re tucked away in a little farmhouse. The house sits on a larger lot than the surrounding houses and has a high fence surrounding the yard. We have a pool and spend a lot of time outside. When we first came, there were three other people staying in the house, and it was uncomfortably crowded. They’ve gradually left, and now it’s just Jennie, Troi, and us.

Jennie’s teaching me so much—about gardening, cooking … she’s also a master instructor of Krav Maga and when Astra naps, we train. I’m gaining confidence each week. At first, I felt like a weakling compared to her, but she’s patient and my endurance level is growing. I still have nightmares of Nico finding me and taking Astra.

“Let the fear push you toward gaining strength,” is Jennie’s daily mantra.

Troi is the guard who rarely speaks. He’s not intrusive, but I know he’s always on watch, never breaking his role, and I’m fine with that. Most of the time I’m not afraid, although I’ll feel much safer when Nico is caught. I’m not naive enough to think Troi and Jennie are strictly here for my protection—they have to make sure I don’t try to get out of testifying against Nico.

If it weren’t for Astra, I would make sure he could find me … my way, and we’d fight until one of us went down. Cut this cat and mouse game short. But Astra changes everything. She’s my world. I don’t know how I lived without her, but I know I’ll die protecting her, if it comes to that.

At night, when Astra is tucked in her crib and I’m alone in my bed, the thoughts of Soti are too much. Loneliness finds me in the dark and won’t let go.

* * *

I wake up antsy. My head hurts. Stir crazy. I have to get out of this house. Tinkering around in the backyard doesn’t help.

Astra is sleeping snugly in the baby wrap—we love this thing. I find Jennie in the shed and when she sees my crazed expression, she stops in her tracks.

“I think I’m going to take a walk.” I tug my hat over my eyes. “We’ll be okay, right?”

She quietly gives me the once-over and nods. “I think your disguise is working.” She bites the inside of her cheek to keep from smiling.

I grin. If the patrons of Maison D’amour could see me now, they’d run the opposite direction. “Alexis would be mortified.” We say it at least once a week.

“Just don’t stay long. Your phone is charged, right?”

“Yeah, I’m good to go.” I’ve only ventured to the front yard once, so this walk feels momentous.

“Why don’t you go to the park I told you about that’s close? Take a right when you leave here, right on Winchester, left on Rincon. Fifteen minutes, max.”

“I’ll text you when we get there … I don’t plan on staying long.”

“Take your time. I’ll let Troi know. He’ll trail you. I have a Skype meeting with the office.” She looks at her watch. “Unless you want to wait an hour.”

“Meet me there when you’re done.”

“Sounds good. And hey, pay attention to your surroundings and all that.”

“Right.” I tuck Astra’s hand against my chest and lower my hat again.

* * *

I feel like dandelion seeds taking flight as I start off on my walk, light as a feather and a bit erratic in my eagerness. The air is so much crisper than the bogged down humidity of New Orleans. I inhale the breeze and lean back for a moment to appreciate the birds singing above us. Walking down the sidewalk with my baby girl strapped to my chest is a luxury.

I’m careful to follow the directions just as Jennie told them. It took us thirteen minutes to get here; I make note of it when I text Jennie that we’ve made it. Several kids are playing on the playground and three or four adults are scattered nearby. Just as I’m rejoicing in the fact that it’s not too busy, a news van pulls up and three guys get out. I groan and move to a shady tree and sit under it, where I’m facing everyone but still feel hidden.

They set up a camera and one guy stands close by, professional on the top with a dress shirt and tie, but wearing shorts and flip flops waist down.

The camera guy sets the camera in the direction he wants and it faces Astra and me. My heart drops. I stand up and make my way to the sidewalk. He leans his face away from the lens and smiles at me. When I move to leave, he calls out.

“Sorry, I didn’t notice you there at first,” he grins, “but you’re perfect. Stay.” He walks toward me. “Would you mind answering a few questions about the park?”

I shake my head. “I don’t know anything about the park, sorry.”

He grins bigger and flips his shaggy, blond hair. “Where are you from? I can’t place the accent.”

“Gotta go.” I wave a hand then place it on Astra’s bum as I haul it out of there.

I make it home in ten minutes, sweating by the time I reach the door. My headache has returned, thumping with a vengeance.

“What happened?” Jennie rushes to me.

“A guy got a little too friendly. He was part of a news crew—I guess they’re doing a segment on the park and he wanted me to answer a few questions.

She’s already texting Troi before I can get the words out. A text pings back.

“Troi’s there and he says they seem legit. It’ll be okay,” she says.

My vision blurs and I lean against the doorjamb. “I need to lie down. Not feeling so well.”

“I can take Astra for a little while…”

“It’s okay. Maybe she’ll take a nap, too.” I lift her out of the sling and shuffle to the bedroom.

I fall into a fitful sleep and when I hear something at the door a while later, I try to lift my head and the pain is so intense I cover my eyes and groan.

“You sure you’re okay? You’ve been asleep for three hours.”

“Really?” I croak. “It didn’t feel that long.”

“Want me to take Astra? She’s been cooing for a while now.” Jennie walks closer to the bed and touches my forehead. “Holy mother, you’re so hot.”

She picks up the baby and I watch through squinted eyes as she feels Astra’s forehead too. “I don’t think she has a fever. I’ll be right back with some medicine. Why don’t I keep her with me while you rest.”

My body is too foggy to protest. Everything hurts.

* * *

The days and nights collide with no clear meter. I vaguely remember snapshots of Jennie coming in and out of the room holding Astra. My fever rages. In the early morning hours, I sweat it out until the sheets are soaked. My breasts are hard, engorged orbs; I try to get relief with a breast pump instead of exposing my baby girl to this. It takes every ounce of energy I have, but I fill both bottles; an accomplishment I’d be so proud of if I had enough strength to care … and if I didn’t throw it all out.

I can’t keep anything down, but Jennie continues trying with broth and ginger ale. Sleep is all I’m capable of, but I miss my baby. She’s in every dream and the first word out of my mouth every time I wake.

In my lucid times, I wonder if I will ever have a night that I don’t dream about Soti. One dream is so vivid, I look for him when I wake up and cry when he isn’t there. The hollowed out desperation of missing him is akin to claustrophobia, where there is no way out of the longing. There are days I think my heart can’t break any more than it already has, but it manages to crack further.

A few mornings later I wake up and some of my strength has returned. I sit up and feel lightheaded, but at least I’m not rushing to the bathroom to throw up. Jennie walks by the room and peeks in. She’s holding Astra and picks up the diaper bag hanging by my door.

“How are you feeling this morning? Your coloring looks better,” she adds.

I nod. “I do feel better.”

“I wanted to be back before you woke up, but I’m glad to see you. Is it okay if I take Astra with me?”

I cringe before I can stop myself.

“Back in twenty minutes, tops. I just need a few groceries. Troi is working in the yard and I’d rather not leave her with him for the first time when you’re sick. He hasn’t even held her yet.” She rolls her eyes.

I nod. “Yeah, it’s probably best that you take her. I really don’t want her to get whatever this has been.”

“All right. Your phone is charged up. Text me if you think of anything we need.”

I smile at Astra, and Jennie turns before seeing my eyes fill.

“Hurry back,” my voice cracks.

Jennie looks over her shoulder and smiles. “We’ll be back before you even miss us.”

“Too late!” Tears drip down my cheeks and I groan. “Sorry. I’m just missing her so much.”

“Get better. She’s missing you, too.”

When they leave, I venture to the bathtub and sit on the ledge as I run the water. Being upright winds me. I strip and sink into the tub, lying back, but all I can think about is getting back in bed, so I hurry through the motions.

I bend over and wrap the towel around my head. My softest pajamas are on the counter and I slowly pull them on. The door bursts open and my head whips up. Troi stands there, his eyes urgent. He motions me forward and I don’t hesitate, rushing toward the door. He reaches out to grab my arm and goes down. I shriek and cover my mouth, seeing the blood spill out on the floor. I bend down to feel his pulse. It’s faint. God.

Troi’s eyes flutter and he looks at me. “Take my gun,” he sputters.

I fumble for it but don’t find it on him. I look around the room frantically and see it by the door. I crawl toward it, shaking my head when the room spins in front of me. I hear footsteps coming toward me.

“Get up.”

My stomach free-falls. Nico bends down, eyes never leaving mine, and has the gun pointed at me before I can move. I scramble backwards and he advances just as quickly, looming over me, full beard and long hair, eyes crazed. I hardly see Nico in there.

He grabs my arm and drags me out of the room. “Where’s the baby?”

“Let me go. You won’t get away with it, Nico. They’ll be coming for you any minute…”

The gun digs into my side. “Where. Is. She?”

“She’s gone.” Tears trickle down my cheeks and neck.

We move into the hallway and he quickly scans each room. I hear his sharp intake of breath and then see it—the blood on the floor of the dining room. I hope to God it’s one of his men and not Jennie. When we get to the kitchen, it’s too still. My heartbeat quickens and I look for any traces of them. A shot rings out. Nico stiffens and makes a guttural sound before stumbling forward. A burst of red blooms through his shirt, blood swirling a pattern on his grey shirt. I look over my shoulder and Jennie rushes at us, still aiming the gun at him.

Jennie knees him and I lunge along with Nico, his hands digging into one side of my waist and the gun digging into the other. He turns around so quickly I’d go flying if he didn’t have such a firm grip. My side feels cold when he raises it and fires the gun at Jennie.

“Jennie!” I scream when she falls onto her knees and slumps over.

I try to get loose but he holds me tighter, dragging me out the kitchen door. After days of barely keeping anything down, every attempt I make to fight him is useless. I’m like a gnat to a bear. He’s been training since we saw each other, too, not even slowing down with a bullet in his shoulder.

Please be okay, Jennie. Please. Protect Astra. Protect her. Protect her.

I chant it in my head over and over on an endless loop. I can’t breathe I’m crying so hard.

“Shut up. Just shut up.” He pauses long enough to dig his fingers into my face and neck. A cloth goes over my mouth. “Shut up.”

Everything goes black.