Chapter Eighteen – Kyle

“The zoo?” Roxy turns to face me slowly, playing with her plait over her shoulder.

I kill the engine and grin at her. “What’s wrong with the zoo?”

“Nothing is wrong with it. I’m just surprised.”

“What? You think I don’t like the zoo? I loved it when we were kids.”

“Hey, I never said that.” She slams the car door as she gets out. “Don’t twist my not-said words.”

I laugh and wrap my arm around her shoulders. “I’m messin’ with you, Rox.”

“Mhmmm.” She tries for annoyed but it’s ruined by her arm sliding around my waist.

I pay the entry fee for us both and Roxy opens the map. Her brow furrows as her eyes scan the bit of paper, and I grin.

“Here.” I point to the yellow arrow labelled Entrance and Exit.

“I knew that.” Roxy flips the map round.

“Sure you did.” I pull her into my side and lead her along the path in the Great Northwest section. “I can’t believe you don’t know your way round here after all this time.”

“You realize we’ve seen a lot of these in the wild, right?” She looks up at me, ignoring my last words.

“So?”

“I’m just saying.”

“Shush,” I say into her hair. “Can we have one day without arguing?”

“Fine,” she fake huffs and mumbles, “As long as we go the penguins after this.”

I turn my face away and smile. Of course we’d see the penguins. Zoo trips used to be one of our summer things every year – we’d all go together. We lost Roxy more than once only to find her at the penguins.

“Where’s Roxy?” Myra had looked around frantically, panic in her eyes.

“Penguins,” Cam and I deadpanned in unison.

Myra sighed. “Of course she is. One of these days, I’m gonna set up a flamin’ ice rink in our yard so she can have a pet penguin.”

“What about the water?” Cam asked.

“Yeah, they need to swim,” I added.

“Dudes gotta eat,” we both said with a nod.

Mom rolled her eyes. “She was kidding, boys.”

“Damn,” I muttered.

“Hey, Mom, Dad? Since we’re not getting Roxy a penguin because you were joking, any chance of a lion instead?” Cam asked hopefully.

“Pushing it, son,” Ray chuckled.

“That sucks!”

I ran round the corner to the penguin enclosure, ignoring my mom telling me to wait, and smiled at an eleven year old Roxy. She was standing against the glass, her hands pressed against it, and her face a vision of wonder as she watched them swimming around.

We walk through the Northwest section, dodging shouting kids on summer break, and as we enter Pacific Shores section I let Roxy lead me past the polar bears.

It’s okay. I didn’t want to see them anyway.

She skips out of my hold toward the penguins and presses her body against the glass window. Her hands are flat against the glass, her face almost touching it, and her head moves side to side as she watches the penguins swim and roll underwater. She’s more excited than the kids around her, and a smile creeps onto my face as I watch her. Such a child.

The kids squeal in excitement when a penguins swims right up against the glass, and Roxy laughs. A real laugh. One I’ve barely heard from her.

I come up behind her as the group of children and their parents move on. My hands rest on her hips and I press a kiss to her bare neck. She turns her face into me and grins.

“I love penguins.”

“I know.” I laugh. “You’d stay here all day if I’d let you.”

A penguin comes up to the glass and taps where her hand is with its beak. Roxy moves her hand along the glass, and the penguin follows it. It breaks the surface of water and drops back under, splashing us over the top of the glass. Roxy squirms at the cold water, pushing her back against me, and I wrap my arms around her stomach. I watch her as she plays with the penguin on the glass, smiling, happy, carefree.

This is the Roxy I know. This is my Roxy.

“I think I’d like to work with penguins,” she says softly, her head tilted to one side, her hand still moving on the glass. “Or for them. Conservation or something. Maybe even be a zoo vet, you know? Could you even imagine getting close to these animals? It would be amazing.”

“What would you have to do to do that?”

“I don’t know. Major in biological science, I guess.” She drops her hand.

“Why don’t you do it?”

She shrugs. “Too late this year, isn’t it?”

“So apply for next year.”

“Where though?”

“Berkeley.”

“With you?” She turns and raises her eyebrows. I shrug.

“Or UCLA. There’s loads in California.”

“Dunno.” Roxy starts to walk. I let her waist go and grab her hand instead. “I have time to think about it. I’ll do some research over the summer. See the best courses. Maybe I’ll go Miami with Iz.”

Fuck that. She’s not going to Miami.

I need to find a way to convince her to come to California with me. Pronto.

We wander around the zoo casually until lunchtime when we go to the BearWalk Café and order lunch. She plays with the cutlery in front of her until the clinking drives me crazy.

“What are you thinking, Rox?” I touch her fingers.

She looks at her hand, her eyes full of sadness, and sighs. “I’m thinking this is the first time I’ve ever been here without Cam.”

She’s right. For both of us.

“Feels weird, huh?” My voice is quiet.

“Yeah.” She laughs quietly. “Remember when we saw the monkeys and he tried to be one in the play area? I think I was like seven. He watched them climbing from tree to tree and wanted to be one. He shoved a banana in his mouth and tried to move along the monkey bars…”

“…Then he fell down and choked on the banana,” I finish, my own lips curving. “It wasn’t funny at the time, but when I think about it now, he looked like a right idiot.”

“I was always surprised you didn’t copy him.”

“Hey, I was an idiot, but I wasn’t a stupid one. That move was always going to end in tears.”

“Yeah well, it made me laugh.”

I slide my fingers between hers and squeeze her hand. “And Cam lived for nothing if not to make you laugh.”

Roxy smiles sadly at the truth of my words. Their relationship was so unconventional. I think I’ve only ever heard them argue one or twice – in comparison to Iz and I doing that every week.

“Yeah. He always had the answer to everything, didn’t he?” Her eyes drift up to mine. “He knew everything. It scared me sometimes, you know. Makes me wonder if he knew about everything that would happen after he died.”

“Maybe,” I reply, holding her gaze steadily. “Maybe he wanted it to happen.”

She blinks slowly. “Maybe.”

~

“Okay, you’ve been in a shitfuck of a mood since we left Portland. What’s wrong, Rox?” I throw my arms to the sides and stare at her back.

She’s been a little down since lunch, and I get that after our conversation, but ever since we got back in my car she’s all but ignored me. She hasn’t touched me, hasn’t laughed, hasn’t spoken, hasn’t done anything except look out the goddamn window at god only knows what.

This time, I haven’t even done anything. Which makes a change.

Roxy pulls the band from her hair and combs her fingers through the braid, releasing it in a cascade of black waves that fall down her back.

“What is this?” she asks into the gentle breeze.

“What’s what?”

“This.” She turns to face me and pauses. “…Us.”

I tilt my head to one side. “I don’t get what you’re asking.”

“This!” She repeats, throwing her arms up. “Everything. I don’t even know how to describe it. The last couple of weeks, the other night… Today. What is this?”

Ah. I get it.

I walk to her and run my fingers through her hair, pushing it away from her face. “This is a relationship.”

My lips twitch at the way her eyes widen slightly.

“What? You still didn’t believe me when I said I cared?”

She doesn’t answer.

“I more than care, Rox. Get that, will you? “This,” as you describe it, is us. You and me.” My hands frame her face and hers settle on top of mine. I bend my head toward her and brush my lips across hers.

“Why? Don’t you have anyone back in Cali waiting for you?”

I laugh.

“What’s so funny?” she demands.

“The fact you’re only asking me this after we’ve had sex.”

Her mouth opens and closes before she speaks. “Shut up. Do you?”

“No. There hasn’t been anyone at college. There’s only you. Always you.” I run my thumb across her lips. “Shouldn’t I be asking you that question?”

“No one,” she replies instantly. “Not since you got back.”

“Why?”

She raises her eyes to mine, curls her face into one of my hands, and whispers, “Only you. Always you.”

I pull her into my chest. She wraps her arms around me, and her face buries into the side of my neck. She shudders. Her fingers splay out on my back, and I kiss her hair.

“He wouldn’t mind.” My words are spoken into her hair. “He told me once if you had to be with anyone, he’d rather it be with me.”

Roxy holds me even tighter. “If I have to be with anyone, I’d rather it be with you, too.”

“So stop.”

She pulls away slightly. I hold her jaw gently.

“The drinking. All that shit… Stop it, Rox. You don’t need it.”

Her eyes drop to the floor. “It’s hard. I’ve tried before. It’s just… there. It helps me forget it hurts. Makes it better. Sometimes I even forget he’s died, and for a few blissful moments it’s all okay. It’s hard to say no when an escape is dangled in front of you.”

“I’ll be your escape. Not the drinking.” No other guys goes without saying. I’d like to see another guy try it. This girl has branded herself into my skin and my heart in a way I never saw coming. “Just me. I’ll be your escape when you feel like you’ve got nowhere to run to. I’ll be your hideout when it feels like everyone is watching you, and I’ll be your rock when you feel like everything around you is crumbling.”

“I’ll try. I can just try. I can’t promise you any more than that.” Her blue eyes are shining when she looks back up, and I nod. She reaches up and wraps a hand around my neck and pulls my face down. Her lips touch mine firmly, like she’s sealing the promise with this kiss. “Thank you,” she whispers against my mouth, releasing me. She sits on the ground in front of me and looks out at the gorge.

“For what?” I drop down next to her.

“For today. I felt like the old Roxy again.” She turns her gaze to mine. “I feel like the old Roxy whenever I’m around you.”

“She’s my favorite,” I admit. “So I do things to make you feel like her. That’s the Roxy I know. My Roxy.”

Her lips twist at the corners. “Your Roxy?”

I leap at her and push her back onto the ground. My eyes meet hers. “Didn’t I make that clear?”

She shakes her head, amusement dancing in her eyes. “Not. At. All.”

“C’mere.” I press and hold my lips on hers. My arm snakes around her waist and her fingers sink into my hair as I flick my tongue against her mouth. I can taste the lingering traces of the candy she was eating around the zoo on her lips. I kiss her deeply, sweeping my tongue along hers and around her mouth in an attempt to make her as lightheaded as she makes me.

“Mmkay,” she mutters when I pull away. “It’s clear. I think.”

“My. Roxy.” I punctuate the words with more kisses. “Okay?”

She nods slowly and smiles. “Your. Roxy.”