Chapter Seventeen – Roxy

Empty.

I sit upright and look around. He’s gone. His clothes are gone. My stomach clenches and my heart pounds once painfully. Of course. I cover my eyes with my hands when my phone buzzes.

I dive over the edge of my bed, feeling under it for my cell like a woman possessed.

“Bingo!” I produce the white block and unlock it, bringing up the messages.

Didn’t think you’d want to explain last night to your parents.

I smile and breathe a sigh of relief. This is Kyle, I remind myself. Kyle.

That could have been awkward, I reply.

Don’t think the worst, Rox. I meant what I said last night.

I want to believe it. So I do. I believe it because it’s Kyle, and I trust him with my life.

The house is silent, so I get dressed quickly and slip downstairs. I avoid Cam’s door. I have to go and see him but I can’t handle being around his things this morning. It’s almost as if I have to explain myself to him… Even if I don’t have the words to do so.

Verity Point is quiet as I wander through the village. The cemetery has just opened and I meander through the rows of headstones until I reach my brother’s. I sit slowly, holding my thighs to my chest, and read the headstone over and over until I feel like I can speak.

“I wish you were here,” I whisper loudly. “I wish you were here so you could tell me what to do. You’re supposed to be here, hitting the guy who did what Kyle did last night. Maybe you wouldn’t have hit him because it’s Kyle, but whatever.

“It would be easier if you were still here. If you were I could ask you if Kyle really does care about me because of me. I think he does, but you’d know. Then I could ask you if you mind. I feel like I did when I was six and needed your Action Man for Barbie to marry because I’d lost my Ken doll. You minded then and I guess you do now, too. Just don’t do any freaky haunting crap, alright? I know what you’re like. You’ll go all Nearly Headless Nick on me – you did say once if you be a ghost you’d be him, but that would just scare the crap out of me.” I laugh quietly at the memory and swipe my cheek.

“I just miss you, y’know? I miss you being here for everything and kicking my ass every five seconds. I miss you treating me like a kid and warning off every guy who tried to date me, and I miss you going all big bro on him when you find out I dated him anyway. You were never angry at me, and while I hated you pulling that shit with other guys, I don’t mind anymore. I know you were just looking out for me. I wish you could do that now. I wish you could give Kyle a shake and give him your big bro chat.

“I guess it was inevitable, though. You never told him how I felt. Hell, Cam, you shouldn’t have even known. You only do because you read my diary two years ago – which, by the way, I’m still pissed at you about – but you never said anything. You never teased me about it. I didn’t get it, but now I think I do. If your sister was gonna fall in love with anyone, it’s only fitting she falls for the one guy you trust around her.

“I want you to tell me I’m wrong. I want you to walk through the trees next to me and yell at me, dammit! I want you to tell me I’m stupid for sleeping with him and I want you to kick his ass! I want you to be here. Like you should be. With me! I want my brother back. I’d do anything to get you back. Nothing feels right anymore.

“Except Kyle. He’s all that feels right without you here. He fills a part of me that was lost when you died. He heals a bit of my heart that broke the same night. I’m in love with him, Cam. I don’t know exactly when or how it happened but I am. And I feel guilty. I need to know its okay and you don’t mind, but you can’t ever tell me that. Can you? I need you to tell me you’re happy, you’d rather us be together. I need to know so much you’ll never be able to tell me.”

Tears pour from my eyes. My vision is blurred from them but I can still see his name perfectly on the headstone like a cruel joke. I can barely breathe for the pain raging inside, for the ever-present breaking of my heart.

“You were my best friend and my brother. Why did you have to go and die on me, huh? Why did you have to leave me? Don’t you see I need you? I feel so fucking lost without you I think I’m going crazy over it. Dammit, Cam! Tell me its okay!”

I bury my face in my arms and let it out. My whole body wracks with each gut-wrenching sob I take, and I leave every tear to soak into my clothes. Every breath is harder to take than the last and every tear fatter than the last.

Until I look up.

A bird is perched on top of his gravestone. Its sitting there perfectly, looking around, and its eyes land on me. I sniff and wipe under my eyes with a deep breath. I touch my tattoo. The bird tweets once and takes flight.

It’s my heart talking, the dreaming part of me, but I’ll take it.

I’ll take that as my brother’s blessing.