Chapter Twenty-Nine – Roxy

Oh no.

Slowly I raise my eyes and swallow. Kyle’s standing between two trees, his hands resting on each of them, and his eyes steady on me.

“How did you find me?”

“Doesn’t matter.” He walks toward me and I try to hide the test. It’s pointless. He’s already seen it. He knows what it is.

“Um,” I stutter.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t know yet,” I whisper. “I’m still waiting.”

He takes a deep breath and sits on the ground next to me, looping his arms around his knees. “I’m waiting with you. Then you can tell me what motherfucker gave you that black eye.”

He doesn’t ask who’s baby it would be if it’s positive. He doesn’t doubt for a second it’d be his.

I nod slowly and pull the test back out from my sleeve. The little hourglass is spinning in the bottom corner of the screen and every turn seems like an hour instead of a second. My hand is shaking as I hold onto the test. My heart is pounding with fear, spreading it through my body. I feel sick. I can’t breathe. Until—

“Negative,” I breathe out.

I drop the test as relief hits me. My hands rubs down my face and I let out a long breath. Kyle’s eyes are burning into the side of my head, and I know it’s time to be honest with him.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks softly.

“That night… The first time we had sex, on Iz’s birthday, we didn’t use protection.” I stand and walk a couple of steps. “I drove to Portland the next afternoon and got the morning after pill when I realized, and I thought it was taken care of. I didn’t think about it anymore, like, at all. I completely shut it out. On Saturday, when I left work… I went to Portland with Layla. You didn’t believe anymore, so I had nothing left to believe in, and I practically drank the week away. That’s how I got this.” I touch my cheek and relay to him what happened that night.

“He didn’t do anything to you, did he?”

“Not apart from this. I kneed him in the balls and ran like hell.” I take a deep breath and continue before he can stop me. “But this… I only realized I was late two days ago. I didn’t tell you because I was scared. Maybe it would have been different if we didn’t break up… But I couldn’t just call you up and be all, “Hey, I know you just walked away from our relationship, but just so you know, I could be having your baby,” could I? That’s why I didn’t tell you. I was hurting and I was scared.”

The ground crunches beneath his feet. Kyle grabs me and pulls me into his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around my body. I circle his waist with my arms and bury my face into him the way he is to me as tears drip from my eyes.

“Fuck the break up,” he says into my hair. “It doesn’t matter anymore. I wish you’d told me, Rox. You wouldn’t have had to run and hide and do that test alone. You have to know I would have been here.”

I shake my head. “I thought you didn’t care. What if it had been different?”

“It wouldn’t have mattered!” He pulls back and lifts my face so he’s looking in my eyes. “I would have been here either way for whatever. The break up is all bullshit. Everything I said is crap. It means nothing, okay? Forget it ever happened. I don’t care about that anymore. I just care you’re okay. That’s all that matters to me. I’ve been so fucking worried about you, you can’t even imagine.”

He presses his lips to mine, and I sink into his hold, feeling a tiny piece of my heart mend.

“I really thought you didn’t care,” I whisper in a thick voice, dropping my eyes.

“Oh, Rox.” He laughs and strokes my cheek with his thumb. “I more than fucking care about you. I love you.”

Hold your horses. My eyes snap up to his. A small smile is playing on his lips, his eyes clear and raw.

“Wha?” is all I manage.

“I love you. I love you. I love you. The old you and the new you. Every part of you. I fell for the person you are right now and I wouldn’t have you any other way. You don’t have to change to be the person I want you to be because you’re already there. You’re already her.”

I swallow, his words sinking in, and run my fingers through his hair. “Really?”

“Yep.” He nods. “I. Love. You. Are we clear?”

“Not quite.” I step closer to him and let my lips curl into my own smile. “We’re missing something.”

“We are?”

I curl my other hand around his neck and pull his face down to mine. I touch our lips together firmly, and he brings our bodies together. His arms wrap my waist and mine wrap his neck until there’s no space between us.

“Kyle?” I whisper.

“Roxy?”

I open my eyes to his and stare at him for a moment. “I love you too.”

~

“I’m sorry. For last week.” I run my finger up and down his arm.

“Me too,” he replies.

“I should have listened to you. I shouldn’t have gone mad at you when you asked me if I’d bought from Layla.”

“I shouldn’t have asked you, Rox. I should have trusted you.”

“Yeah, maybe, but I should have believed you enough to know you didn’t ask to piss me off.”

“It would have been a success if that was my aim,” he mutters into my hair.

“Shut up.” I smile. “I’m sorry for being a bitch to you too. I was just trying to make a point, I guess.”

“Well it worked,” Kyle gives me. “Although I don’t think it was quite the outcome we were expecting.”

I shake my head. “I didn’t actually think you would walk away the way you did,” my voice trails off.

“Hey.” Kyle holds me tighter to him and I turn my face to look at him when he puts his fingers in my hair. “I was bluffing. Do you really think I could have walked away from you like that? I was always going to come back to you. Always.”

“Then what took you so long to get here?” I tease.

“I only just realized where you were. I’ve been living at your parents for the last few days looking after your mom and running the café with the girls.”

“Looking after my mom?” my voice quivers.

“Uh… Crap. She broke down when you disappeared.”

Tears burn my eyes. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have run away.”

Kyle pulls me tight to him. “Shit, Rox. You scared the ever-loving life out of me. I’ve never, ever felt that way before and I hope I never have to again. I was so fucking scared you were gone. Really gone.”

“I’m sorry,” I repeat.

“As soon as I realized you were here I left your house like my ass was on fire. Would you believe I got up here in less than ten minutes?” He raises his eyebrows and smirks.

I grin. “Impressive. Did you have Red Bull for breakfast or something?”

“No. I just needed you.”

I curl into him, feeling every part of our bodies touching.

After everything we’re here. Heartbreak from death and heartbreak from love. And I’m sitting here, his arms around me, and wishing we didn’t have to move.

“Please don’t ever do that again.” His voice is thick with emotion, and I hug him tightly.

“I promise. Never again.”

“Good. I love you too much to feel like that again.”

“As long as you promise to never walk away like that again.”

He opens his eyes to mine. “I promise. Only you.”

“Always you.”

Our lips linger together for a long moment.

“We have to go now, don’t we?” I ask in a small voice.

“Yep.” He sighs. “I text your mom so she knows you’re okay, but she’ll want to see you. She’s so worried about you, Rox.”

I swallow. Guilt hits me hard. “I know. I’ve been so horrible to her, and Dad.”

“As much as I hate to, I have to agree with you. You’ve been pretty fucking awful.”

“You know, I can be mad at you again if you want.”

Kyle laughs and helps me stand. “Just because you’re not mad at me anymore doesn’t mean I won’t still tell you as it is. Besides, you don’t stay mad at me for long.”

I glance at him. “That can be changed, you know.”

He grabs me from behind and wraps his arms around my shoulders. “No, it can’t be. We usually end up very close after you’ve been mad at me, so you won’t let it last too long.”

Damn him for being right.

“And as much as I hate to let you go, you do have to go and talk to your mom… And the police.”

Uh-uh. I did it this time, didn’t I?

“Stay.” I stop and turn. “Please. Even if you’re just in the house.”

“You have to do this, not me.”

“I know that.” I fist the front of his shirt and rest my forehead against his chest. “But it’s gonna hurt, isn’t it? I’m gonna have to remember it all. I’m gonna have to be honest about how much I’ve been hurting. And… We’re gonna talk about the night he died.” My chest tightens. “You’re the only person I’ve spoken to about it.”

He strokes my back and takes a deep breath. “Okay, but I’m staying upstairs. This is your talk with your parents – you guys have a lot to sort out. I’m only staying because I know you’ll need me after.”

We’re both thinking about the day I broke down in the woods and told him about the night Cam died. There’s no way I could have stayed sane if it wasn’t him holding me after.

“Thank you,” I whisper.

Kyle kisses the top of my head. “Come on. Let’s take you home.”

I walk back with him, his arm wrapped around my body which is curled into him. Nothing is scaring me more than the conversation I know I’m about to have with my mom and dad. This is going to be as hard as walking away from the hospital.

Except this time I’m not numb. By the time we left the hospital, I’d gone through every emotion I could and I was exhausted. I’d cried and screamed and hit the walls. I’d screamed even louder and sobbed even harder and given everything into trying to break the wall. When we left, I had nothing left to give. I had nothing left to feel.

This time I have it all.

I have the pain and the anger. I have the sadness and the guilt. I have the grief and the regret.

This time, I have Kyle.

I can’t help but wonder how different the last few months would have been had he come back for the funeral. If he’d been here we would have had each other like we do now.

If he’d been here, I might have been going to college this year instead of next.

“Ready?” he squeezes my shoulders.

I nod and we turn the corner. I’m as ready as I’ll ever be, at least.

“Roxy.” Mom runs to me as soon as Kyle opens the door, and I fall into her embrace. Dad’s arms go around us both, and they’re both crying.

It hits me now, between both my parents, how selfish I’ve been. They’ve needed me as much as I’ve needed to forget, but I didn’t think about them. All I could think about was myself, my own pain, my own guilt.

I lost my brother, but they lost their son.

That day we all lost a member of our family. We all lost our best friend, our light, our joker. We all lost our star.

“I’m sorry,” I cry into Mom’s shoulder. “I am so, so sorry.”

“You’re here now.” Dad kisses the side of my head. “Everyone is exactly where they should be.”