Chapter 12
Jaxon
Fuck me. I don’t understand why chicks insist on getting all these damn photos taken. It’s ridiculous, my only saving grace is that Logan is here and has already had a few too many drinks, otherwise me and the boys would have thrown in the towel a long time ago.
It’s almost nightfall when the wedding planner comes around to tell us it’s time to head up to the reception. Carter and Logan take off with Tom, while Sean sweeps his bride up and throws her over his shoulder. She squeals and beats on his back as he takes off after the boys. The girls scream for him to put her down, saying something about messing up her hair and chases after them, leaving me and Cass behind.
She smiles after her family before realising we are left together and her smile becomes forced. She pulls her heels off and holds both them in one hand, along with the hem of her silvery dress. A dress that I wanted to tear off the moment I saw her in it, I mean, she is radiant today with her chestnut hair done up with a natural makeup. She didn’t go all out like the other girls did with the makeup and she looks absolutely breathtaking.
She starts walking to the house for the reception and I can’t help but fall in beside her. I don’t know what makes me do it, maybe it’s the day, maybe it’s how beautiful she looks or maybe it’s the look in her eyes that tells me she is still in love with me. I don’t know but I quietly slide my hand into hers, my fingers lacing through hers, just like I’d done a million times before and it feels just like coming home.
She looks up at me with wide, questioning eyes and all I can offer her is a sad smile. She takes it for what it is and turns her attention back to the grass before her but doesn’t let go. We walk the rest of the way back to the house, hand in hand before I gently slip mine out of hers. She doesn’t look back at me, just continues walking until she stands amongst the other bridesmaids.
I don’t know how this all happened, all I know is Sean called me a few days ago and told me it wouldn’t be right if I wasn’t standing up there with him and I have to agree, being here feels like being with family again. I hated it the very second he said I shouldn’t tell Cass about it, that it would just make her over think things and panic, he was completely right, that is Cass to a T but it made me feel as if I was betraying her trust somehow but either way, I’m here now and I would never take that decision back.
I watch as she mingles with the girls and accepts a glass of champagne, though she only sips at it opposed to the other girls chugging, I guess she wants to remember this night. An arm is tossed over my shoulder as a big body leans all of its weight on me. “You’ve got it bad, brother,” Logan says with a knowing glint in his eye.
“Shut up,” I say, pushing him off.
“Why the hell would I do that? Stirring you is a favourite past time of mine, I couldn’t possibly skip an opportunity like that,” he says. I roll my eyes and turn my attention back to Cass as she throws her head back laughing. “You know,” he says taking on a serious tone. “She’s still yours all you have to do is take her.” With that, he walks away, leaving the thoughts swirling in my head. If only it was that easy.
The reception gets underway and I take my seat at the bridal party. Night has fallen and the room has been done up pretty damn good, I must give credit to the bitch of a wedding planner because she has actually done a really good job. The room is packed, there must be at least two hundred guests here making my eyes scan the room.
First up I notice my parents. The first thought going through my mind – what the fuck are they doing here? Though the question is answered almost immediately as my next thought pops into my mind. They would be here for the social climbing opportunities, so I make a note to steer clear.
The next thing I notice is Logan beside me smiling at some chick at a table to the left. I follow his gaze to find a cute blonde and realise this must be his new girl, so I make another note to introduce myself and stir as much shit as possible, though I’m sure Carter will join me with that.
Things get going and soon enough we’re demolishing off entrees and main meals then moving right along to speeches.
Sara’s best friend and sister get up and give a speech that has the bride and majority of the women in the room in tears but it’s all made better when Logan and Carter stand to make their dedication to their brother. The whole room is in stitches and hangs on each and every word they say as they confess their brother's misguided activities of his past. The boys’ finish it off with a few touching words about their parents which has Cass discreetly wiping away a tear.
The moment the speeches are finished, the band takes to the stage and the crowd starts conversing and moving around the room. I watch as Cassie excuses herself from the table and steps out into the fresh air. I’m moving away from the table before I even realise what’s happening. I follow her out the side exit and find her standing at the edge of the patio looking out into the night.
I step up behind her and watch as her body slightly tenses as she feels my presence. I gently wrap my hands around her waist and pull her back against my chest, feeling at home as she relaxes against me. “You ok?” I ask.
I feel her take a deep breath as she slowly turns in my arms. “You don’t need to do this, Jax,” she says, making my heart slowly break.
Without hesitation, I look down into her big brown eyes. “I want to.”
She searches for something in my eyes and eventually is satisfied by what she sees. With a sigh she entwines her arms around me and leans her head down on my chest, needing to be held. I pull her in tighter and gently sway her to the music which flows through the open side door. I soothe her as best I can and remind her that her parents would have loved to be there.
After a short while, she slowly pulls her head back from my chest but doesn’t step out of my hold. “I truly am sorry, Jax,” she says, looking up at me with those eyes. “I never should have left.”
I search her eyes, the same way she had done to me before, though I have absolutely no idea what I’m searching for. “Why’d you go?” I ask, desperately needing the relief the answer could bring me.
A tear trails down her cheek as she takes a shaky breath. “I was scared,” she starts. “I was there that day you showed up with a ring and talked to my dad.”
“No,” I cut in, confused. “You were gone. You were with that girl from school.”
“No, Jax, I was home. Millie had a flat tyre and was running late. I didn’t bother telling anyone because it wasn’t going to be a long wait,” she explains. “But then you came and you were so sure of yourself, of our future and it freaked me out.”
“Fuck, Cass,” I groan, letting her go. “Don’t tell me you left because of that.”
“No,” she begs as more tears escape her eyes. “Just hear me out, please.” I turn away from her as I attempt to get my thoughts in order before turning back and telling her to go on. She takes another shaky breath. “I was confused after graduation and I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, I felt like I needed a change. So, I was talking to mum one night and she told me as long as I was happy it didn’t matter what I was doing, she joked that I could have been a truck driver for all she cared, as long as I was happy. Somewhere along the line, I had gotten in my head that getting out of Denver was the key to that happiness.”
She needed a change? What the hell? We were weeks away from heading to college, what more of a change could she have needed? “Why didn’t you talk to me about this?” I snap. “Fuck, Cass. If you wanted a different college or city I would have gone with you.”
“I know,” she snaps back.
“What the hell, Cass? This doesn’t make sense.”
She lets out a sigh as she looks back up at me. “I knew you would follow me anywhere I went and I couldn’t let that happen,” she explains. “Things with your parents were bad and I knew you wanted to get away but you needed to be here. Your dream is being in the NHL. You needed to go to college and use your scholarship. This was your shot and I would have never forgiven myself had you thrown that away to follow me while I searched for what I wanted.”
I have no response. I can’t even get my thoughts in line to figure out where to start.
“Say something,” she cries.
“I can’t, Cass. I have no idea what to say. You threw away our future because you couldn’t talk to me.”
She hangs her head, though I can’t understand why. Regret maybe? Possibly shame? “It didn’t take me long to realise that I’d made the worst mistake of my life but by the time I’d realised that, you had already moved on. You were only a freshman but were already making features on ESPN and they made it very clear what kind of reputation you had.”
“So the reason you left had nothing to do with the conversation between me and your dad?” I ask.
“No,” she breathes, “It just made me realise how dedicated you were to me.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yes, Jax. I’m sure,” she tells me with the slightest bit of annoyance in her voice at having to repeat herself. “I had to get away and I couldn’t let you give up your future for me.”
“Babe,” I sigh, stepping up to her and instantly pulling her into my arms. I bury my head in her neck and inhale the natural scent of her creamy skin. Her arms instantly wrap around me and she holds me tight, needing the closeness. “All this time, I thought you left because you were done with me, over it, over us.”
She pulls me back and looks into my eyes. “Never,” she says. “How could I ever be over us when I’m still madly in love with you?”
“Fuck,” I say, getting frustrated with the situation. If she had only talked to me and let me in on what was going on in her head, this whole thing could have been avoided. “So, if you were so unhappy, why didn’t you come home?”
“I couldn’t,” she sighs. “I had already hurt too many people by leaving and I didn’t want to make that worse by letting them know that I wasn’t happy. I made a massive mistake and I was too stubborn to admit it.”
Fuck. This woman is my kryptonite. I crash my lips down on hers making her gasp for breath. She kisses me back and it feels amazing. Different from the night we shared a few weeks ago. That was desperate, needy and a mess of confused emotions but this, this is something that comes from the heart, something I’m not even sure I know how to describe.
We could have been kissing for seconds or it could have been hours, I’ll never know but eventually, she pulls back and rests her forehead against mine. “What’s happening between us, Jax?” she asks.
“Honestly, Cass, I have no idea,” I tell her as my hands tighten on her waist. “I still care for you, hell, I might even still love you but I’m not the same man you once knew.”
“Yes, you are,” she demands. “I know, you are, the old you is still in there it’s just clouded by the girls, the reputation and this persona you have as the Captain but that’s not you. I know it’s not.”
“I don’t know, babe. I have to think about this. You tore me to shreds when you left,” I tell her honestly. “I don’t know if that is something I’ll be able to just forget about.”
She looks up at me. “I don’t know how I will ever make that up to you.”
“I don’t know either, Cass. I just… I guess I just need time to sort this out, figure out where my head is.”
“K,” she whispers, a little unsure. I lean back against the railing and pull her into me as we silently listen to the party within.
It’s not long before we hear a voice in the distance. “Found her,” Sean calls out to someone behind him and begins to approach. “Ah, sorry guys,” he says hesitantly, clearly not wanting to disrupt anything that could be going on out here.
“It’s fine,” Cass says, stepping out of my arms to face her brother. “What do you need?”
He cringes and glances at me before turning back to Cass. “I was hoping for a favour?”
“Sure,” she says, automatically.
“Well, our first dance is coming up and well… we were hoping you might sing” he asks, cringing once again. Seriously, man. Stop cringing, it’s a simple question, one we all know she would accept with ease.
“I… I don’t know,” Cass replies making my jaw drop as I stare at her. “You know, I haven’t sung in a while.”
What the hell? Cass hasn’t sung in a while? That’s as crazy as me not playing hockey. Singing is a part of who she is, it doesn’t make sense. Sean glances at me once again before turning back to Cass. “It would really mean a lot if you could do it. I know it’s hard but it would mean the world to me and Sara.”
With a sigh, she looks down at her feet and quickly wipes a tear away as my eyebrows furrow before she looks back up at him with a smile, an extremely fake smile at that. “Ok, yeah, sure. No problem.”
“You’re sure?” Sean asks.
“Yeah. I’ll be ok.” She nods, “Now, get lost.”
He gives her a tight, grateful smile before disappearing. “Um… you’re not singing anymore?” I ask, completely stumped by this revelation.
“No,” she sighs. “Not since I left.”
“What the hell, Cass?” I ask alarmed. For as long as I could remember, she wanted to be a singer and musician, though, that was before she discovered she wanted to be a physiotherapist but the singing never stopped, it’s her passion. She used to joke that she might have even loved it more than me, though, I’d always have to pin her down and tickle her until she took it back.
“I just can’t do it,” she responds with a shrug.
“Stop bullshitting me and be straight. Why aren’t you singing?”
She turns back to me. “Because I’m a mess. I sing when I’m happy and I haven’t been happy in a long time.” She explains. “It hurts.”
I’m quiet for a short while as I consider her answer. “You’re still writing though?” I ask, remembering the old notepad I saw sticking out the top of her bag that day in the library.
“Yeah, I’m still doing that,” she admits. “But instead of the sweet, innocent love songs I used to write, it’s… I don’t know, it’s different. Darker.”
With a nod, I let her off the hook and bring an end to her interrogation, knowing I’m somehow going to have to help her through this, I have no idea how I’m going to do it but I know I won’t stop until her heart is no longer hurting. I can’t stand an unhappy Cass. “Come, on,” I say, “We better head back inside.”
“K,” she whispers as we turn and head back to the door. We’re walking back into the room when she stops abruptly before me. I follow her eyeline and notice she is staring at my parents talking with Sara and Sean. “What are they doing?” she asks.
“What else? Social climbing,” I scoff.
We watch as my mother leans in and gives Sara a tight hug and kiss. “I don’t think Sara has any idea who she is,” Cass mentions.
“Probably not,” I groan. “Mum would be telling her what a wonderful wedding it was and how spectacular she looks.”
Cass scoffs, “And Sara would be thanking her for coming, keeping it polite in case they are friends of Sean’s.” she murmurs. “If only she knew.”
Movement catches our eyes and we watch as my dad holds a hand out to Sean who takes it in his own and gives it an extremely firm shake. Once Sean releases his hand it goes straight behind his back, where he shakes it out, clearly in pain but the smile doesn’t fade from his fake face. Cass bursts into giggles at my side and I can’t help but put my arm around her waist.
“Don’t stress, they’ll be leaving soon. They just needed to show their faces at the wedding of the year.”
“They haven’t changed,” she grunts as we head back to the bridal table.
“Never will,” I murmur.
The party kicks up and soon enough the M.C. is announcing the first dance and introducing Cass to the stage. The crowd applaud as they gather around.
Cass nervously adjusts the microphone as Sean and Sara get into position. Her eyes flick to mine and I give her an encouraging smile even though it is selfish, all I want in this moment is to hear that magical voice of hers once again.
The music starts and she belts out the opening lines of ‘At Last’ while Sean and Sara dance and sway to the beautiful song. Her eyes remain locked on mine and I watch as another tear falls from her eyes, reminding me once again that this should have been us.
In that moment, I promise myself that I would do anything for that to be the final tear of the night.