Amy
“You didn’t need to come with me, Cassie,” I repeated to her on the train. I clutched my suitcase closer to me and counted how many more stops were left before O’Hare.
Four.
“I know, but I don’t have anything else to do, and I would hate going to an airport and have no one to wave farewell to.” She shrugged her shoulders. “It’s depressing.”
I felt like pointing out that I didn’t find it depressing, but I resisted. It was nice of her to tag along. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes, losing myself in the rhythm of the train on the track. It was calming
My mom had been extremely happy when I’d called to tell her I was coming home for Christmas. I was staying a total of three weeks, leaving right after New Year’s. It was only December 11, but my mom said she had a surprise for me. I was curious about what it could be and whether I would actually like it. Her cheerfulness made me uneasy, and I wondered how much of it was just pretending.
“You are so lucky to be going home to warmer weather!” Cassie told me. “I’m going to be dying in this cold.”
I nodded. “I can’t wait to get out of this stupid coat.”
Cassie walked out with me to the airport, and we said good-bye at the door. I gave her a hug. “Thank you,” I told her. It was true that Cassie got on my nerves a lot, but here she was, seeing me off, and that I was thankful for.
“Any time. Bring some warm weather back with you, okay?”
I laughed. “I’ll do my best.”
She smiled, pulling her coat closer to her face. I walked through the sliding doors and turned back and waved. She waved back and began walking away.
I had an hour before my flight would begin boarding, so I grabbed a coffee and waited. Airports were like trains, people coming and going. One difference, however, was that airports also contained the feeling of letting go and being reunited.
The significance of leaving in an airport seemed greater. Maybe because, on land, there’s the chance a passenger could change her mind at the next stop and turn back, or that a person could go after her to say what should have been said. With airplanes, though, the destination was final. The ticket purchased, the plane boarded. The bystander doesn’t have many options once the plane is in the air. He or she can only watch as it flies away, getting smaller and farther away, all hope going with it.
I was there at the beach the day Seth left Shelby. I had been there, but he just hadn’t seen me. I had gone to Sarah’s after our fight the night before and told her about his mom, and the connection between him and John. When I was done, she asked me one simple question.
“Do you love him?”
It had taken me off guard, and I sat there thinking. Did I? I cared about him more than I had any other guy, but was that love? Instead of answering, I said, “Why does that matter?”
Sarah shrugged. “I guess it doesn’t, but if you do or whatever, it will be harder to let go of him.” She paused. “Which is what you should do.” She looked at me to see my reaction, which consisted of my looking down and swallowing.
“I knew that. I just needed to hear it from someone else.”
Sarah took a deep breath. “I know you were hopeful and didn’t agree with how I handled things with Jared, but summer is practically over now. You’re going to Chicago, he’s going back to Maryland and then becoming a singer. And that probably means he will tour and never be in one place. So whatever you do, you’re going to get hurt, sooner or later. I would let him go now when you’re not so attached.”
I nodded, knowing that even without the added complications, these were all facts I had to face. It still didn’t change the fact that I wanted to see him.
I lay awake for hours that night just thinking about it all. I didn’t want to hope that things could work out long distance. I knew they wouldn’t. We were headed toward two very different lives, and there really wasn’t much point in trying.
Still, as four o’clock neared that next day, I couldn’t stop myself. I got as far as the boardwalk, stopping when I saw him. He was sitting on the sand, facing the water. His body was hunched over. It was a sight I had grown to know so well. It looked a little bit odd, without me sitting next to him. I continued to watch him, wanting his arms around me so much. The fight the day before seemed to have melted away.
I kept up my strength, though, and didn’t go to him. He played with the sand, grabbing a handful and letting it fall through his fingers, dissolving in the wind. I could see his disappointment as his shoulders slumped and he lay down, realizing I wasn’t coming. I took a deep breath and walked away. I walked away from everything we had and now what we would lose.
“Flight 361 will begin boarding,” the overhead speaker said. I snapped back into reality and looked around. People shuffled around, grabbing their bags and children’s hands. They formed a line at the entrance, ready to go. I joined them, ready to go home. I was ready to board and get up in the air, even though it was toward the memories and good-byes.