CHAPTER 2
The moment Ali opened the front door, Kade knew that déjà vu was real. He was transported back in time. It was fifteen years earlier, and he was standing at the same front door. Ali had wild hairs falling around her face and her large honey-colored eyes were staring up at him like she was looking at a ghost.
Kade’s youth had been spent—or more accurately misspent—doing very reckless, very stupid things. He could’ve easily killed himself or others on any given night. On one particular balmy summer evening up at the lake, he’d gotten shitfaced and then decided to get on his motorcycle and go for a joyride. It hadn’t ended well. He’d made it about ten miles outside of Whisper Lake before he’d gone over a steep embankment off Highway 6 that ran along Whisper River and totaled his bike. Miraculously, he was able to walk away from it.
In his inebriated state, he started down a road that he thought led back to town. Spoiler: it didn’t. He’d walked along it for hours before sobering up enough to realize that he’d been walking away from Whisper Lake. During the time he was on his drunken pilgrimage, unbeknownst to him, his bike had been discovered and news spread fast in the small town. From the condition and location of the bike, the general consensus was there was no way he would’ve survived the crash and it was assumed that he’d ended up in the river.
By the time he got back to town, it was in the early hours of the morning. Not wanting to face his dad who he knew would berate him, or worse, for the wreck, he’d gone directly to the Walsh’s house to tell Patrick what a dumbass he’d been and that his bike was totaled. But instead of his best friend opening the door, it was Ali. Her hair was piled up on her head and her cheeks were tear stained. When she’d seen him she’d gone white as a sheet. It had taken her a few beats to process him standing in front of her, alive, but once she did, she threw her arms around him and held onto him for dear life. She sobbed against his shoulder for a few minutes then socked him in his chest—repeatedly—and made him promise never to die and scare her like that again.
That was a memory that he’d carry with him and treasure until he finally did take his last breath. He was seventeen at the time and it was the first time in his life he’d truly felt loved and valued. His father certainly never engendered either of those emotions and he barely remembered his mom who left when he was five.
Today, Kade knew Ali’s dumbstruck expression was not because she’d thought she’d seen a ghost, it was because he’d ghosted from her life. And his for that matter, for the past eighteen months. Other than setting up financial support for the boys he’d been completely MIA. It hadn’t been fair to her or the twins, but it had been necessary. He had to put the oxygen mask on himself before he could save anyone else.
This time there were no hugs or tears. Just a cold and impersonal, “What are you doing here?”
Ali was obviously not happy to see him but the feeling was not mutual. The sound of her voice, even if it conveyed a not-so-friendly tone, put a smile on his face. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d smiled. The past year and a half had been the worst of his life and considering his childhood that was quite a fucking achievement.
“Can I come in?” His throat was dry, due both to the hours he’d just spent riding and the woman standing before him.
“No.” Her response was weak and came out in a whisper.
The Allison Walsh he knew was a force of nature. A spitfire. A wild child.
The woman that he saw standing in front of him now looked like a shell of that person. Her sunken cheeks, the hauntingly dark circles beneath her eyes, and her skeleton-like frame told him that she hadn’t been sleeping or eating.
Guilt punched him simultaneously in the gut and the chest with the same impact as hitting the ground when he’d fallen off the roof of the Walsh’s house after attempting to walk the roofline drunk.
He couldn’t catch his breath.
He’d had the wind knocked out of him more times than he could count but those had all been due to a physical blow. This was the first time he’d experienced it due to an emotional blow. This was his fault.
“Uncle Kade?”
Ali cursed beneath her breath as her shoulders dropped in defeat and she hung her head.
Kade’s eyes found Ricky’s and once again he was struck by déjà vu. Ricky had always favored Patrick but now he was the spitting image of his dad. He felt like his mind was playing tricks on him. Logically, he knew that he was looking at Ricky, not Patrick at age thirteen, but his emotions weren’t convinced.
A large lump lodged in his throat as he tried to pull himself together. He missed the man that might not have been his brother but was more family to him than anyone he shared DNA with.
Ali sighed as she stepped back, opened the door and extended her arm in a reluctant invitation. He knew that her change of heart to grant him entry had to do with her nephew and not him, but hey, beggars couldn’t be choosers. As much as he would’ve loved to have had a warm welcome, he knew that’s not what he deserved.
He set his bag down just inside the entry. It landed with a soft thud on the tiled floor and he stepped into the living room and pulled Ricky into a hug. “Damn, you got tall.”
Kade was six-three so Ricky had to be pushing six feet. Since the last time he’d seen him he had to have grown at least four inches. He remembered that he and Patrick had both hit growth spurts around his age, too.
“What are you doing here?” The question sounded much friendlier coming from Ricky than it had from Allison.
“I’m here to see you and your brother.” And your aunt.
He kept the last part to himself. It was the last thing that she’d want to hear and he hadn’t been hit since he stepped out of the cage after his last and final fight over a year ago, he didn’t want to break one of the largest streaks of non-violence that he’d ever had in his life and if he’d finished his thought, he was fairly certain he would’ve got a right jab to the jaw.
He knew that Ali could land a punch…because he’d taught her.
“How have you been?” Kade ruffled Ricky’s hair.
“Good.” Ricky grinned.
“Uncle Kade?!” KJ shouted as he ran down the stairs. “I didn’t know you were coming!”
“No one did,” Ali mumbled quietly.
He hugged KJ, who’d grown as tall as Ricky but favored his mom’s coloring with dark hair and green eyes.
“Are you here for my project?” KJ asked expectantly.
Kade inwardly cringed at the mention of the project. He was no role model and he hated the idea of KJ writing about him as his hero.
“I’m just here to see you guys.” He was there to do a lot more than that, but he figured it was best to keep it simple for now, especially since he wanted to keep his no-violence streak going.
Before any more questions could be posed, the doorbell rang three times in succession followed by two sharp knocks. KJ’s eyes grew large and he shook his head as he took a few steps back. Beside him, Ali and Ricky turned to face each other and rock-paper-scissored silently. Roshambo was a Walsh tradition.
After three pounds of their fists to their palm Ali kept her hand in a fist and Ricky flattened his. Since paper beats rock Ricky shrugged in apology as Ali’s head fell back and an exasperated sigh fell from her lips.
With an exaggerated eye roll she turned on her heel and crossed to the front door, inhaling through her nose before opening it. “Hi, Presley.” Ali’s voice was cheery but her body language was telling another story. Her shoulders were practically touching her ears. “KJ is busy doing homework and then he has jiu-jitsu, so now is not a great time.”
From where Kade stood, his view of the visitor was blocked, so he leaned back and peeked between the blinds of the front window. A cute blonde girl stood on the porch.
Ali exchanged pleasantries with Presley for a minute before shutting the door and returning to the living room and pointing her finger directly at KJ. “That’s the last time I’m covering for you. She’s a nice girl.”
“She’s annoying,” KJ dismissed rudely.
Her eyes shut for a brief second before she continued, “She’s a nice girl and if you don’t want to see her when she comes over, then you need to tell her. Your brother and I are done lying for you.”
“Whatever. I didn’t ask you to lie for me,” KJ shot back in a tone that would’ve gotten Kade knocked out if he’d dared speak to his father like that.
He didn’t agree with his dad’s parenting style, but he did believe in speaking to people with respect. His instinct was to tell the kid not to speak to his aunt like that, but it wasn’t his place. He hadn’t earned that right. Yet. But he planned to.
For now, he figured it was best to try and alleviate the tension.
“Listen, I’m sorry I missed your guys’ birthday.” Kade bent down and unzipped his bag. “I’ve got something for you.”
He straightened and handed the twins the newest Xbox and Playstation, neither of which had been released yet. He’d called in a favor from an actor who had shadowed him to prepare for a role on a feature film who also voiced several video game characters.
The boys’ eyes grew almost as big as their heads as each one took a console.
“And here’s some games.” He hadn’t gift wrapped the consoles but he had wrapped the games. He was pulling them out of his bag when Ali moved close to him, her body pressed against his arm. The soft swell of her breast was unmistakable and his dick stirred beneath the zipper of his jeans.
“Kitchen. Now,” she hissed next to his ear before announcing loudly. “I’m going to finish making dinner.”
She walked into the kitchen and he handed the games to the twins. “Do you guys know how to set these up?”
They both shot him a pitiful glance.
Of course they did.
The boys grabbed their gifts and headed down to the basement.
“You coming?” KJ asked as he glanced over his shoulder and held the door open.
“I’ll be down in a few minutes.” He had to go face the music first.
KJ nodded and then disappeared down the stairs with his brother. A pang strummed in his chest. Seeing the boys going down there, each holding a box in their arms, made him feel like he was Ebenezer Scrooge on the journey of Christmas past.
The twins reminded him so much of himself and Patrick. Fuck. He missed his best friend. It had taken him a long time to accept a world without Patrick in it. He’d thought he had, but seeing the boys was testing his resolve.
Grief was such a tame word to describe what he felt. It seemed so benign when the experience was agonizing. Torture. Devastation.
A clatter of something hitting the floor snapped him out of his depressing reverie and back to the present.
He walked around the corner and through the dining room and stopped at the entryway to the kitchen.
Ali was picking up several pans as she cursed beneath her breath. She looked so small and vulnerable in the center of the large, out-of-date kitchen. Her hands were shaking and she dropped a lid as she tried to balance everything and stand.
His first instinct was to pick her up and hold her in his arms, but since he’d like to have children someday, he figured that wasn’t a good idea. If he tried to touch Ali right now he was fairly certain she would knee him in his baby maker.
Since that was off the table he did the next best thing. He started to bend down and help but she swatted his hand away.
“Don’t,” she snapped as she scooped up the fallen dishware and tossed them in the sink.
She turned back toward him and the look on her face nearly killed him. Holding up both hands in front of her with her palms facing him, she spoke with heartbreaking conviction. “You can’t do this.”
“Do what?” He figured she didn’t mean help her pick up dishes.
“This.” Her arms flailed in the air. “Show up unannounced and hand out expensive gifts like fucking Santa Claus. It’s not fair. You can’t just waltz back into our lives like nothing happened.”
“I know.” He’d debated for several days on what the best way would be to do this. Finally, he’d landed on the rip the Band-Aid off method. He was hoping for fast and painless but that didn’t seem to be how it was working out.
“If you know, then what the hell are you doing here?”
“I meant that I know it’s not fair.”
Her brow furrowed and it seemed possible he’d just pissed her off more. She lowered her arms and he saw her hands fist at her sides as she took a deep breath. “Where the hell have you been?”
Kade’s heart was beating so fast and so hard that he was half expecting it to crash out of his chest like the Kool-Aid Man as he stared at the one person that meant more to him than any other. He’d known this moment was coming and he thought he’d been ready for it. He’d rehearsed what he’d say so many times that he’d actually been concerned that he wouldn’t sound sincere. But now that the moment was here the words weren’t coming to his brain. “I was—”
“No!” She lifted her hand, halting his explanation. “Stop. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t care. It doesn’t matter where you were. Want to know why? Because you weren’t here. You didn’t call. You didn’t—”
“I’m sorry, Ali,” he said lamely.
It wasn’t enough. He knew it wasn’t even in the parking lot of the ballpark of being enough, but it was true.
“For what exactly? You’re going to have to be a little bit more specific. Are you sorry for showing up at Patrick’s funeral shitfaced with a—and I mean this with the utmost respect for prostitutes—whore?”
He thought about pointing out that while Sabrina’s occupation was an escort, she had actually been his girlfriend at the time and she wasn’t accompanying him in a professional capacity, but he didn’t figure that would make any difference.
“Or are you apologizing for getting into a fight with the caterer at the reception?”
That asshole had it coming. Kade overheard him talking to his friend about how funerals were the best place to pick up women and how he was planning on, “banging the dead dude’s hot sister in the—” Kade’s fist made contact with that douchebag’s face before he could finish his thought.
“Or does this bout of contrition have something to do with you taking off after hearing that you—,” she poked him in his chest, her voice lowered to a barely audible level as she stepped closer to him, “—are just as responsible for the boys as I am? Which one of those specifically are you apologizing for? Or is it just your blatant disregard for people? Narcissistic self-centeredness? Pathetic immaturity? Lack of any consideration for anyone but yourself? Or just generally for being an asshole?”
It was all of that, but as Kade looked into Ali’s amber gaze he knew what he was the most sorry about. “I’m sorry I hurt you. You and the boys are the last people in this world that I would ever want to—”
“Stop.” She shook her head as if she didn’t believe him. He could see that her entire body was shaking. She took a step back and her heel hit the cabinet door that was open. “I don’t want to hear it. I can’t hear it. I can’t do this. I can’t…”
His heart broke as her words trailed off and when he saw the bottom of her lids fill with unshed tears something snapped in him and overrode any common sense or self-protective impulses he had. Lifting his arms slowly, he started to approach her with the same caution he would a trapped animal.
“I know I’m putting my life in great risk by doing this, but, I’m going to hug you right now.”
With that, he moved slowly toward her. She didn’t yell or move away or even try to land a punch. She allowed him to close the distance between them and did the only thing that he’d wanted to do for the last year and a half. He pulled her into his arms and held her.
At first it was like hugging a mannequin. Stiff and uncomfortable. But then something happened. With an exhale her body relaxed and she molded against him. He closed his eyes and for the first time in what felt like forever, he could breathe. He felt his shirt dampen with her tears as she silently cried in his arms.
“Ali,” he spoke her name with raspy desperation.
He closed his eyes and tightened his grip, wanting to show her that he was here now. That she wasn’t alone. That he was sorry. She might not want to hear him say any of those things but he could show her.
Unfortunately, the sound of elephants stampeding caused her to push out of his embrace before he could communicate any of those unspoken sentiments.
One second she was in his arms and the next she’d grabbed an onion out of the fridge and began cutting it. The entire thing happened so fast he wasn’t sure what was going on until KJ flew around the corner exclaiming, “You got us Assassin’s Creed! That’s so dope!”
KJ froze when he saw them. His eyes bounced between them. Ali stood at the counter with her back to the doorway and she took in a shaky breath.
“Aunt Ali?” Concern dripped from KJ’s voice as he stepped into the kitchen, with Ricky close behind him.
“Hey bud,” she glanced over her shoulder as she lifted it and wiped her damp cheek on her gray T-shirt.
KJ’s eyes cut to Kade and he saw a fierce protection in them. It was just a flash before he turned his attention back to his aunt.
“Are you okay?”
Ali lifted the onion that she was cutting over her head.
“Oh.” He sighed and Kade could feel his palpable relief as he turned back to him. “She always cries when she cuts onions.”
Kade nodded in understanding.
The exchange brought up so many questions and emotions. How many times had she been crying and had to use the “onion” excuse? That was a well-executed plan. There was no way that she just came up with that on the fly.
It was clear that she didn’t want the boys to see her upset, but had she had anyone’s shoulder to cry on? While he was doing what he needed to do, he’d convinced himself that the town would rally behind Ali during this difficult time, but had they?
Whisper Lake was a tourist town that experienced an influx of people during summer and winter breaks, but off season it was a sleepy community that boasted less than five thousand residents.
Kade and his father had moved to Whisper Lake when he was seven but the Walsh’s had been in town for generations. Patrick and Ali’s great-grandfather had built the house that they lived in and started Whisper Lake Rentals. The town might have its issues, but it always took care of its own.
Plus, there was Jess. Ali’s best friend was one of the strongest people Kade knew. She’d had health battles that could’ve easily crushed her, but she never even let them slow her down. Surely, Jess had stepped up and made sure that Ali was okay…right?
“Dinner will be ready soon, guys. Set the table and go wash up.” Allison’s voice didn’t even hold a hint of emotion. If he hadn’t been there to witness her sobbing in his arms just moments before, he wouldn’t have believed it had happened.
“Do you want me to take your bag to your room?” Ricky asked.
“Umm…”
Since moving to LA when he was eighteen Kade had always stayed in the Walsh’s guest room when he was in town. So much so that the twins called it “his” room.
But things were different now. He’d hoped that he’d still be welcome at the only place that had ever felt like home with the only people that had ever been family to him, but if Ali’s reaction to him showing up was any indication, then he had to face the very real possibility that he was persona non grata. “I’m not sure where I’m staying.”
“What do you mean?” KJ’s tone was angry. “You always stay here.”
“Are you not going to stay here because dad is…” Ricky didn’t finish his thought but it was obvious what he’d been about to say.
“Of course he’s staying here,” Ali snapped before repeating, “Wash up and set the table.”
As the boys took turns at the sink and then started grabbing plates and utensils, Kade heard Ali sniff and watched as she once again lifted her shoulder and wiped her face on her shirt.
He hated seeing how much raw pain she was in, and he hated even more knowing that he’d contributed to it. He didn’t know how long it was going to take, or what he was going to have to do, but he’d make it up to her.
Somehow. Someway.