Thirty-One
Stana
I can feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up as I walk down the street, not really sure where to go. Part of me thinks that maybe he will try and find me, but my logical side knows that he won’t come looking for me. I try to keep my mind off of all things Jerick, but it’s almost impossible.
I love him.
He means more to me than anyone else in my bland existence. I should have never tried to save Max. Maybe Jerick was right when he said that Max was going to sell me out to his family. I mean, why else would he be at the restaurant Jerick’s family owns.
Everything still doesn’t make sense.
I sigh and continue to walk in what seems to be circles. I have nowhere to go, and I have no money or anything else to find somewhere to stay. I could force Max to take me in after I lost everything to save him. I close my eyes for a second before opening them again. A stranger bumps into me and quickly says sorry before hurrying off to wherever they were heading.
The eerie feeling is still with me, so I duck into a department store and weave through the aisles and racks of clothes. I turn just in time to see that someone is looking for me. I sneak through the clothing until I find another door and slip through it. When I’m back on the street, I don’t feel that creepy feeling any longer, so I continue to walk in the opposite direction.
I don’t think that his family is done looking for me or trying to kill me, so I need to be smart. I need to find somewhere to lay low as I think about my next move. Maybe if I could prove to them that I would never hurt Jerick or their family, they will leave me alone.
Oh, who am I kidding? These people are cold-blooded killers who probably don’t give a shit about me or anyone else. They are only going to protect their own family, and from what I overheard before Jerick pretty much kicked me out of his life, the family didn’t even trust each other.
Conaill and Rory were the only two people that Jerick trusts his life to. I know I should have trusted them too, but I barely knew them, and I already have an issue believing men I hardly know. Except I trusted Jerick.
He was the first person that I was able to trust right when I met him, even though it was a stupid decision. He only wanted me for one thing, sex. I’m so damn foolish. “So stupid,” I mutter to myself. No one even bothers as they walk past me, bumping and shouldering their way through the crowd. I can probably hide out in my old apartment until I can find something else.
My lease wasn’t up for a few more months so it would be better than sleeping outside in this cold ass weather. Putting my head down, I start to walk towards my only salvation. The one place that I know no one will look for me in. But if they do, I can just sneak out the window like I did the last time. I doubt anyone will even come looking for me now that Jerick has no ties to me.
I’ll just become invisible again. No one will even care if I wind up missing. My life will become pointless unless I can figure out a way to save Jerick. I can make it so that he doesn’t lose his livelihood. His family is everything; I could hear it in his voice when he spoke about them. He loves his dad even though they’ve had a rough patch recently. I think I was more to blame for than anything else. He lost a lot by standing up for me to his family.
As soon as I come up to my apartment, I feel cold. Slowly walking towards the building, I try to keep my emotions in check, but it’s no use. The last time I was here was when those men tried to kill me. Jerick saved me. He packed up my things and moved me out of here because it wasn’t safe.
I miss him so damn much.
Opening the door slowly, I scan the bare room before walking inside and shutting the door behind me. The locks are fixed, and the mess that I left is nowhere to be seen. A few pieces of furniture were left behind, but that’s good for me. It means that I won’t have to sleep on the cold hard ground while I hide out in plain sight.
Keeping all the lights to the apartment off, I shuffle around the room, trying to find anything that they left behind that I can still use. It doesn’t take long for me to find a few things that were left in the cupboards to eat. I see a few granola bars and even some instant oatmeal that I don’t even remember buying. Sighing, I collapse on the couch and stare at the blank wall that once held a small flat screen TV that I bought with my first paycheck.
A tear slips down my face as I think about all I’ve lost.
I’ll never get another chance to be with a man like Jerick. Who am I kidding, I don’t want a man like Jerick, I want him. Closing my eyes, I try to think of anything other than him, but it’s no use. I’m broken. A former shell of the woman I was with him. Maybe I’ll be able to move past him one day, but perhaps I’ll just die in the process. Possibly one of his men will deal the final blow to the nails in my coffin, and he will never have to deal with me again.
It would probably make him happy anyway.
The bright morning sun shines in the room, and I scramble to my feet. Running to the bathroom as quickly as I can, I barely make it to the toilet before I throw up. My stomach turns, and all I get out is bile and spit. The ache in my stomach as I continue to dry heave is almost too much to take.
Maybe the stress of the situation is getting to me. Maybe I just need to eat something. I can’t remember the last time I ate.
Once I don’t feel like I have to throw up anymore, I flush the toilet and move to the sink. Washing my mouth out with water, I spit, and I swear I might throw up again. Nothing seems to work as I try to settle my stomach and something Cara said to me hits me right in the gut.
“God, you don’t even know how terrible morning sickness is. I swear it takes over two hours before I can even move away from the toilet every morning. It’s the worst thing ever.”
I didn’t really think about it because I was told that I might never have children after the accident. I cried in front of Cara as we talked about it.
I just stare at myself in the mirror. My skin is pale, and my hair is a wild mess. What am I going to do? I can’t just go and find him and tell him that I think I might be pregnant. Biting the inside of my lip, I try to figure out what my next move is going to be. I have no money for a pregnancy test and I sure as heck don’t have any money for food. Pregnant women need food.
Sinking to the bathroom floor, I start to cry. I cry for all the things that I’ve lost, and I cry for all the things that this child will suffer. He or she may never get to be born, and if the baby is born, he or she may never get to know its father. I may never see him again. I want to see him again, to tell him that I’m sorry and that I never meant to hurt him.
I know that he probably wouldn’t listen to me or care what was going on in my life since it didn’t concern him anymore, but he deserves to know. If I am in fact pregnant, I want him to know.
Leaving the bathroom floor almost seems impossible as I continue to think about the things I need to do today. Maybe I can go to Max and ask him to let me borrow some money until I can get back on my feet. It’s the least he can do since he pretty much ruined everything I had with Jerick. I know that I am to blame too since I was the one stupid enough to help him, but I’ve always been loyal to a fault, and I hurt myself in the process. I should have just went back to bed. Maybe then I wouldn’t be terrified to find out if I’m in fact pregnant or not.
When I can finally pull myself up from the bathroom floor, I walk into the living room area almost like a zombie. I don’t know what to do first, but getting a test is probably one of the more essential tasks besides food. Walking towards the front door, I notice an envelope under it.
Reaching down, I grab the envelope, and my hands start to shake. Who would have left this for me? It wasn’t there when I got here last night. Letting out a shaky breath, I slowly slide my finger under the flap, tearing it open. I try to get my trembling hands under control, but it’s difficult.
Pulling the contents out of the envelope, I see a note and a stack of hundreds.
I thumb through the money, and I hold it to my chest as I realize that it’s over five thousand dollars. The only person I know with access to any amount of money that is more than a few hundred dollars is Jerick. He collects money for his father so it would be easy to come up with that type of cash. Plus, I remember the kind of car he drives and how fancy his apartment was when he took me there.
My eyes start to water as I read over his note to me.
Stana Ruslov,
Being with you will never be something I regret. Saving you that night was the chance that I needed to finally break free from the shit that I was handed from my da. You saved me in a lot of ways, and I will always love you for that.
As pissed as I was that you chose him, I understand. He is more the type to settle down and become the father of your children. You need someone who can give you everything you want, and I’m not that guy. I love you. Please find happiness.
Jerick Brannigan
Tears start to fall down my face, and I can’t look at the letter any longer. I let it slip through my fingers as I think about his words a little longer. He’s not fighting for me. Disappointment stings as I think about the way his letter went. He is okay with me being with Max.
“I hate you,” I whisper into the empty room.
I wish I meant something more to him. I hoped he would have fought for me instead of just giving up.
Pocketing some of the money, I put the rest in my old hiding place in the cabinet under the sink in the kitchen. Once I have the rest hidden, I make my way to the front door to go in search of a pregnancy test and some food. Maybe even a couple of pairs of underwear and some clothes.