CHAPTER ELEVEN

 

Luca

 

I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING creepy stalker, but it’s the only way. I’m a selfish bastard, and I know it. I should be strung up by my toes, lashed repeatedly, then have bleach poured on the open wounds. Fuckin’ crazy, right? What I’m doing is insane, so I figure it fits.

Those thoughts don’t stop me though. I waited two weeks before my will crumbled to dust. Two weeks of beating the shit out of the bag. Two weeks of running until I had fucking blisters. Two weeks of self-loathing that did not one bit of good.

Those two weeks were absolute torture of the worst kind, and I couldn’t take it anymore.

So, here I am, creepily walking the halls of General.

I come to a stop when I reach Jules’s room. Taking a deep breath, I look around the doorframe, and in the soft light over her bed see she’s asleep, just as I hoped. That’s why I waited until midnight to come. I didn’t want to take the chance of her seeing me again, because last time didn’t go so well, with damn good reason. If it wasn’t for the fact that I don’t want one of the nurses to see me, I’d be pissed their midnight staff was so lax. God only knows what asshole could come in here and hurt any of the patients. My lip curls when I lump myself in that category.

I stop only a few feet inside the doorway and lean my shoulder against the wall, opting to keep my distance in case she wakes up, so I can slip out of the room before she sees me.

After avoiding my parents for a week, Mom finally pinned me down at home. Her eyes were sad when she looked at me, and it tore my heart to shreds. Shame eats at me anytime I look at her, because I know Dad told her what Theo said I did. I don’t see how she could look at me without disgust. Fuck knows I’m disgusted with myself. How in the hell could I do that to Theo? Even more important, how in the hell could I hurt Jules? My temper may be hot and volatile at times, and I’ve used it against people, but they were always deserving of my wrath. It was to protect family, myself, or someone I cared about. My anger has never controlled me. I’ve always controlled it.

Through Mom, I learned that Jules doesn’t remember her time with Theo or me attacking her. Mom offered that info on her own, without me asking. I don’t know why she told me; maybe she saw the guilt eating away at me. Regardless, I sure as fuck don’t deserve any updates, but I’m still screwed in the head enough to be grateful she gave it.

Even though Jules may not remember me or what I did to her, her mind obviously knew enough to warn her away from me. Self-preservation at its finest. I’m glad her subconscious told her I was a danger. After what I did, she should be afraid. Not that I would hurt her now, even the thought brings bile to my throat and makes me want to ram my head into a brick wall. Even so, if I was capable of it before, there’s no reason for her to think I wouldn’t do it again.

Mom also informed me that Jules is doing good. Better than the doctors expected after her being in a coma for so long. She’s going home soon. To Theo’s home, that is.

I stiffen when Jules moves. At first, I think she’s waking up, but when she moans in her sleep, I know she’s just dreaming. I have to force myself to stay against the wall instead of going to her. I wish so fucking much I could rub out the wrinkle I know is between her eyes. Or whisper soothing words. Or crawl onto that narrow bed and hold her in my arms.

She moans again, and it sounds pained. I dig the blunt tips of my nails into my palms, hoping the pain will mask the ache in my chest that her moans caused.

Thankfully, she settles after a moment, and I can relax again. I don’t plan to stay long. I just wanted to see for myself that she’s okay. I haven’t dreamed of her since the last one I had of her memories of seven years ago. If I’m honest, I try to avoid sleep as much as possible, because that dream totally fucked me up. I’m terrified of it coming back. I desperately want to see Jules again, even if only in my dreams, but I can’t bear to hear her pleas and sobs again.

I’m a grown man who’s unafraid of almost anything, but I’m petrified to fall asleep.

I stand there for another fifteen minutes before silently slipping out of the room. If I had the right, I’d never leave, except to work, and even then, reluctantly.

I’m surprised to see my sister’s car in the driveway when I pull up to my house. I left work at midnight and went straight to the hospital, so there’s no telling how long she’s been here. She was off today, and she said she and Vicki were spending all day together.

When I walk through the door, I find Ella at the table with a coffee cup and book. At first, I don’t spot Vicki, and I’m surprised she let Ella out of the house by herself this late at night, but then she emerges from the hallway bathroom.

“What in the hell are you both doing here so late?” I ask, dropping my keys on the coffee table, then walking to the fridge for a beer.

Ella stands, and I notice worry lines on her forehead. Just another thing that makes me an asshole.

“I was worried about you,” Ella says, picking up her mug and taking it to the kitchen. “You were supposed to come over for breakfast this morning before work.”

“Sorry,” I mutter, then take a swig of my beer. “But you could have just called, Ella. There was no need for you to come out this late.”

“I did call. Your phone went straight to voicemail. And when I called the shop, Jazz said you were busy with a customer all day. I wanted to come up to the shop, but Vicki wouldn’t let me.”

Her eyes turn angry as she swings them toward Vicki.

“Don’t give me that look, baby. You need to lay off your brother. Between you and your parents, I’m sure he can’t fucking breathe. Only reason we’re here now is because you threatened me with something I’m not willing to lose.”

Ella’s eyes narrow further, but she doesn’t say anything. I pull my phone from my pocket and drop it on the counter.

“My phone died, and my charger was at home. Sorry about this morning. I had a bad night and woke up late.”

Vicki comes into the kitchen and takes Ella’s mug from her, rinsing it, then depositing it in the sink.

“Where’d you just come from?” Ella asks, tilting her head to the side curiously.

I take a pull from my beer before answering. “Nowhere you need to worry about.”

She crosses her arms over her chest and tips up her chin. I know that look and stance well. It’s what she always uses when she’s about to show her stubborn side. Vicki notices too. She looks at me, seeing my jaw set, then back to Ella.

“Ella, babe, maybe we should—”

“You went to see her, didn’t you?” Ella asks, ignoring Vicki.

There’s no sense in denying it, so I don’t even try. “Yes.”

Her eyes soften, and her arms fall to her sides. “Are you sure that’s a good idea, Luca?”

“Probably not, but I did anyway. I wanted to see for myself that she’s okay.”

I grab my phone and plug it into the charger. After finishing off my beer, I chuck the bottle in the trash, then turn back to Ella. Her expression is one of confusion.

“Why wouldn’t she be okay?”

Sighing, I press my hands to the counter, and drop my head. I’ve never told anyone about my dreams, except Theo, and that was only because I had to. There’s really no reason why I never told my family, I just never felt the need to. With finding out what I did and being the cause of Jules’s distress during the dreams, maybe it’s time I do tell someone. They already know what I did; there’s no sense keeping this from them.

I lift my head and bring my eyes back to Ella. “I’ve been dreaming about Jules for years.”

Ella’s head jerks back and shock widens her eyes. Something tightens in my chest with my next confession.

“In my dreams, she was always hurt or sad. She’d ask me for help, as if she was afraid of something, but I never knew why.”

“But I thought you didn’t remember Jules?”

I take my eyes from my sister and watch as Vicki comes to stand beside her, lacing their fingers together.

“I don’t. Even though I dreamed about her, I never recognized her. It wasn’t until I saw her in the hospital the day you were attacked that I even knew she was real.”

“I don’t understand,” Ella comments, frowning. “Why were you dreaming of her if it was you that…”

She trails off and her eyes slide to the side. I know she’s trying to spare my feelings. Ella can be a hardheaded bitch at times, but she has the same trait as everyone in the family. She hates to see one of us hurt.

“…was the reason she was in a coma?” I finish for her. There’s no sense in sugarcoating it. Her face is pained when she looks back at me. After a moment, she nods once. “I have no fucking clue.” I blow out a breath. “My only guess is my head was trying to tell me something that I couldn’t remember.”

“So why visit her? It still doesn’t explain why you would think she wasn’t okay.”

It takes me a moment to formulate my reply. My feelings toward Jules are dangerous and idiotic given what I did seven years ago, but they’re there, and I don’t know how to turn them off. I don’t know what happened to make me flip the way I did, but I hope like fuck that shit’s not in me anymore.

“I don’t really know why, but after seeing her in my dreams, the pain and terror she went through, I just felt the need to see for myself that she was okay.”

Ella watches me inquisitively for several moments. “I just can’t….” She trails off and shakes her head. “I still have a hard time believing you’re capable of what Theo says. I know you, Luca. You have a temper when warranted, but to hurt a woman? That shit is too much to believe.”

It’s too much for me to believe too, but the evidence is there, and people do crazy shit and act out of character all the time. As much as I don’t want to believe what Theo said, I’ve got no reason not to believe him.

I sigh and scrub a hand down my face, exhaustion sliding to my bones. “I don’t want to believe it either, but fuck, Ella, you know Theo just as well as you know me. He wouldn’t lie about something like that.”

She nods, knowing it’s true. “Yeah.” She pins me with a stern look. “Just be careful.”

I acknowledge her words with a head jerk. She doesn’t need to go into detail for me to know what she’s saying. She doesn’t want a repeat of the past.

“You ready? Luca looks like he needs sleep.”

Ella comes forward, and I envelop her into my arms. She squeezes tighter than normal before pulling back.

“Love you, big brother,” she says, offering a smile.

“Love you too, little sister.”

Minutes later, they’re both gone, and I’m in the shower, washing away the day. Ella’s words come back to me as I stand under the warm spray.

I don’t know what my feelings are, I just know I need to keep them in check. I feel responsible for Jules because I’m the reason she’s missed seven years of her life.

After drying off, I climb into bed. My stomach rumbles, but I ignore it. I only ate a half a sub earlier, but I’m too damn tired to get up and make something.

I lie in bed with my hands behind my head, dreading going to sleep, but knowing I need to get at least a couple of hours.

I close my eyes, but a few hours later, I’m awake again with the sound of Jules’s pleas reverberating in my head.

 

 

IT’S BEEN FIVE DAYS since I started coming back to the hospital. Each night, I promise myself it’ll be the last, but the next night I end up back here. I know I’m asking for trouble, but it doesn’t stop me. Either one of the nurses will spot me and kick me out, or Theo will find out and go fucking crazy. Neither of those things keep me away.

Every night, I’ve kept my place just inside the door.

Until tonight.

When I walked into the room, Jules’s wildflower scent hit me hard, and my feet were taking me closer to her before I realized it. I’m now standing at the bed getting my first close-up view of her in weeks, and it feels like I can finally breathe again.

Quietly, I sit down in the chair that I’m sure Theo’s sat in multiple times recently. He has every right to sit in this chair, but fuck if I don’t like it. Even the thought of him being close to her makes me livid and my fists itch to pummel the hell out of him.

I push those thoughts aside before they get me in trouble.

She looks better than the last time I saw her. Healthier. Her cheeks aren’t as shallow, and her hair looks more vibrant. My eyes land on her left hand that’s lying on her stomach and notice the absence of her rings. She didn’t have them on when she was in a coma, I’m sure because the doctors didn’t want to take the chance of them cutting into her skin if her hands swelled, but I figured that would change once she found out she and Theo were married.

I slide open the drawer beside me just enough to see the bag still inside, then frown when I only see the locket and not the ring. She could have easily placed it somewhere else.

I push the drawer closed and look back at Jules. I silently curse when I see her eyes open, looking at me. Sitting stiffly, I wait for her to scream. The look in her eyes says she’s contemplating doing just that.

Hoping I’m not making a mistake, I hold my hand up in front of me, and say quietly, “I’m sorry. I’ll leave.”

I keep my eyes on her and slowly, so as not to startle her, get to my feet. Her frightened eyes stay glued to mine as I take a step back. I fucking hate that I put that look in her eyes. And I’m a grade A asshole for being here, knowing there was a chance this may happen.

Just before I turn on my heel, her soft but urgent voice stops me.

“Wait.”

I halt in my tracks and close my eyes, loving the sound of her voice. Opening them a moment later, I find her looking at me cautiously.

“What’s your name?” she asks. She’s still stiff, and I can tell by the way she’s clutching the blanket to her chest that screaming is still very much an option for her.

“Luca,” I respond gently.

“Luca,” she murmurs. I feel the sound of her voice saying my name in every part of my body. I love it coming off her lips, and I secretly wish she’d say it again.

“You’ve been coming here for the last… several nights, haven’t you?”

Her question throws me. She’s never woken up during my short visits, so for her to know I’ve been coming here at night surprises me.

I don’t want to lie to her, but I also don’t want her to freak out. However, she deserves to know the truth. Again, hoping I’m not making a mistake, I answer honestly.

“Yes. How did you know?”

Her hands loosen on the covers, not completely, but her knuckles are no longer white from the death grip she had before. I’m pleased to note the tenseness in her body has also decreased.

“I didn’t know for sure until you just told me. I felt something while I was sleeping. A… presence.”

“It could have been Theo,” I suggest.

She shakes her head. “No, it’s not him. He only visits during the day. And his presence is… different than yours. Since I woke up, I’ve been… scared, but…” She trails off for several seconds before admitting quietly, “the last few nights I haven’t.”

Her admission shocks me, because I’m the last person she should feel safe around. It’s obvious Theo hasn’t told her about my role in her life, and I wonder why. She may still be wary of me right now, but if she knew the truth, she’d be screaming her head off. That’s something I can’t handle right now, so I’m grateful she doesn’t know.

Curiously, I ask, “Theo doesn’t make you feel safe?”

She doesn’t answer right away. She looks beyond me, her brows puckering as she frowns. “It’s not that he makes me feel… unsafe,” she starts quietly. “It’s just….” Her eyes come back to mine and she shrugs. “I don’t know the word to use for what he makes me feel. Weird, maybe?”

Now it’s my turn to frown. She watches me guardedly as I take a step forward. “Weird how?”

She chews on her bottom lip before releasing it. “I’m not really sure. Uncomfortable somehow.”

I have no business asking, but my protective instincts are screaming at me, so I do anyway. “Has he done something to you?”

Unfortunately, my tone comes out harder that I intended, and she stiffens. I mutter a curse under my breath, luckily low enough for her not to hear.

She relaxes again after several tense seconds.

“No,” she replies. “He’s been very nice to me.”

My hands uncurl from the fists I didn’t realize they’d made, and the pounding in my ears slows. I should know better than to think Theo would do something to hurt Jules. Not only is she his wife, and they were obviously in love at one time, but he’s also the most laid-back of him, Ella, and me. He’s tough only when he needs to be, and even then, he avoids altercations and confrontations at all costs.

This situation with Jules is seriously fucking with my head.

She yawns, and it reminds me of how late it is.

“I’m going to go.” Instead of moving back toward the door, my feet move forward, inching closer to her. “You should rest.”

She tucks part of the cover beneath her cheek and her amber eyes focus more intently on me.

“Will you be back tomorrow night?”

I want to so fucking bad. “No,” I answer instead.

Her lips purse. “Why not?”

“Because I don’t belong here.”

Another frown. “Why not?” she repeats.

This time, I do take a step back, and a pointed pain stabs me square in the chest.

“There are things you don’t know. If you did, you wouldn’t want me here.”

“I don’t understand.” Confusion pulls down her brows. “What things?”

Another step back. Another step away from her.

“I can’t tell you. It’s not my place.” And I’m fucking terrified of her knowing.

I take two more steps back before her voice stops me.

“Wait!”

I stop. Her tongue darts out to lick her lips, and it further proves just how much of a fucked-up bastard I am when I feel my dick twitch in my jeans.

“It was nice to meet you, Luca.”

Hearing my name come from her lips again doesn’t help my fucking situation. Theo should beat my ass, then do it all over again. And again. And again. Especially since Jules and I have already met, and there’s no way she’d be saying it was nice to meet me if she had any inkling of what I’d done.

“It was nice meeting you too,” I mutter.

Before she can say anything else, or I do something stupid, I turn and leave the room.

As I make my way out of the hospital, the truth hits me. Jules is a part of Theo’s life, meaning she’ll be a part of mine.

Which also means I really need to get my shit under control before I go fucking insane.