Chapter 13
Nathaniel came back to consciousness like he was walking under water. His mouth felt dry, and his head felt fuzzy. He rolled over, his half-conscious brain knowing that he didn't have anywhere to be. The bed was comfortable and warm, the pillows soft. But he felt cold without Eliza's warm body beside him. He was used to reaching out and pulling her close, feeling her smooth body beside him. It was going to be a huge adjustment to go back to the way things were and to go back to being so alone.
He was confused, though, because the feeling of being alone wasn't usually this bad. It was almost as if there was something else missing.
He pushed himself up, trying to make sense of what he was feeling.
The clock read eight a.m., which meant he was officially on duty.
‘Sienna?’ He reached out with his mind. Why didn't he feel her close by?
“Sienna?” he called out verbally, throwing off the covers. A quick glance in the mirror showed tossed hair and a pale face, but he looked better than he did yesterday. He ran a hand through his hair and threw on a shirt, taking a moment to steady himself before he opened the door. He could feel Desmond in the kitchen; that was no problem. Desmond was safe, and he was close by. What was going on? He had felt them both come home last night; there was no issue there.
“Desmond?” He burst into the kitchen. The look on his Maestro's face told him that something was very wrong. “What is it? Where is she?”
“I don't know,” Desmond answered truthfully. “I thought she was with you for a while, and perhaps you were blocking her thoughts to rest. But I realized as soon as you started waking up that you weren't doing that.”
“How can she just be gone?” Nathaniel answered, and then saw Laura's face, hunching over her tablet.
“Laura?” he demanded, and the young, blonde Maestro looked up. “Laura?”
“Devon is gone, too,” she finally answered.
“No,” Nathaniel was quick to speak on this. “Not again. Reach out to him. Call out to him. He always answers you.”
“He did answer me,” she said. “And all he said was goodbye.”
Nathaniel stopped moving. “What does that mean?”
“My guess,” Laura said, “is that Devon, like Sienna, seems to think that they are a burden. And so, they have saved us the heart break.”
“They've run off together,” Nathaniel ran a hand over his face. “Why? Why would they do that? She isn't a burden. She isn't–”
“Yesterday, she saw the pain of a Tiro walking away from their Maestro,” Desmond said quietly. “That may be what pushed her over the edge.”
“By walking away?” Nathaniel stuttered in confusion.
“By not having us face the reality that she can't take the tests,” Desmond said. “Saving us the position of a rock and a hard place.”
“This is ridiculous,” Nathaniel answered. “There are people out there that want her, and they will clearly stop at nothing to get her. Being out there and unable to defend herself–”
“Excuse me,” Laura's eyes flared. “Devon is one of the best warriors in the school right now. Insinuating that he cannot protect her–”
“Sorry, did your Tiro not walk away because he's dying?” Nathaniel shot. Kierry’s mouth fell open. Up until then, he and Sybil had been leaning quietly against the counter. Sybil was so grateful for Kierry's strong presence, not wavering from her side. Now, she felt the shock ripple through her Tiro.
“What's wrong with Devon? He seems fine.”
Laura shook her head. “It doesn't matter, Kierry. The medications keep him fine. He doesn't really feel pain or the effects. He's a warrior until the end.”
“But,” Kierry turned to Sybil, “couldn't that day be today then? Not to be a pessimist, but…”
“Laura,” Nathaniel demanded, “he may not show the warning signs, but you have the reports. Is there a chance it could be soon?”
His Maestro remained tightlipped, looking at the table.
“Laura!” Nathaniel snapped. “I need to know if my Tiro is about to be alone out there.”
“If someone asked you the same question, Nathaniel, how would you respond?” she asked. “Would you be willing to admit it?”
“How long?!” Nathaniel practically roared at her.
Laura sighed. “It could be soon,” she said, her lip quivering. “But it could not be. There's no way to know. He's so strong.”
“Oh, Creator.” Nathaniel ran a hand over his face. “We're doomed.”
Laura let out a choked sob, shoving back from the table. “Not all of us have your name, your reputation, your support,” she sobbed at him. “It's easy for you, Nathaniel. You have a co-Maestro, you have the queen of Jeffro, and you have the reputation of the greatest warrior. Everyone looks up to you. Losing a Tiro just makes you more of a hero. It leaves the rest of us broken.” And with that, she stormed out of the room.
Nathaniel said nothing, but he did slam his fist on the table.
“Of all the irresponsible....”
“Stop,” Desmond said to him sharply. “Stop.”
“What do you mean, stop? We have to find her!” Nathaniel answered.
“Not if she doesn't want to be found,” Desmond said. “When Reynolds left....”
“Desmond, she isn't Reynolds. But she might end up in his clutches, or worse,” Nathaniel said. “She might end up dead.”
“She'll end up dead either way,” Desmond pointed out, and Nathaniel choked.
“Don't talk like that,” he replied. “Just don't. If she wants to walk away, she needs to tell us to our faces. I doubt that she actually does, though. Devon just gets in her head and–”
“Asks her to leave the order?” Desmond replied. “And if Eliza had said the words, would you have not walked away?”
“She would never ask me to do that,” he replied.
“That didn't actually answer the question,” Desmond said. “If she had asked, would you have gone?”
Nathaniel chose not to answer that, closing his eyes. “Sybil,” he said, “can you and Kierry work to see if there are any connections left to Black Caesar? I know he's dead, but clearly, his followers are still alive.”
“I can do that,” Sybil said. “But if you and Desmond go out together in the open looking for Sienna, you will blow the cover of our whole mission.”
Nathaniel couldn't believe that Sybil was even bringing this up.
“My Tiro is missing,” he cried. “She needs multiple medications, she has no protection, and there are two separate groups on this planet alone, who want to capture her. Your mission be damned.”
“Nathaniel, you may not have to answer to the Jurors right now, but I do,” Sybil answered. “We are this close to capturing Reynolds and shutting down this whole operation. Kierry and I have worked for weeks on this, and the future of our order is at stake. You can't just do this. Think it through.”
“How?” Nathaniel was not willing to listen to reason, but Desmond caught his elbow.
“Just think for a moment,” he said calmly.
“Every moment we think, she could be in danger,” Nathaniel answered. “How are we going to do this?”
“Exactly like you are,” Kierry suddenly spoke up. Both their heads swiveled toward the young Tiro.
“What?”
Kierry turned to Sybil who nodded before turning back to them.
“The way you are now, you're fighting. I would think that you are of two different minds,” Kierry said quietly. “So, if you do have to go out together, keep arguing. It makes sense that you are united in finding your Tiro, but for different reasons. Desmond is supposed to want to join Reynolds. Nathaniel is supposed to want to get Sienna to safety and away from Desmond. Can you do that?”
Desmond cleared his throat. “That's not actually a bad plan,” he said. “We can keep up the act in public and not communicate via the bond, except to reach out for Sienna.”
Nathaniel sighed, realizing that it was the best plan of attack.
“Yes,” he said. “We can do that. But first,” he felt the heaviness in his chest lift slightly, “I should apologize to Laura. I didn't mean to scream at her like that. I'm just…I can't lose her, Desmond.”
“You have to be prepared for the possibility that we do,” Desmond answered. “The truth is, I've seen signs like this for a while. I didn't think that she would actually go, but she has said things that made me wonder if she was unhappy.”
“She's not unhappy,” Nathaniel protested. “She thinks we are.”
“Go,” Desmond didn't want to address that. “See if you can speak to Laura without her throwing something at you. I don't think she should come with us, though. If she follows different leads, we will cover more ground.”
“The repercussions for Laura will be heavier,” Sybil said, quietly. “You two are on suspension; the Jurors are not watching what you are doing. But Laura and Devon are on assignment, and he's bolted. There will be a hearing for that, and if the true reasons come out as to why–”
“You are undercover,” Nathaniel said. “The Jurors don't need to know.”
“Maybe they do,” Sybil replied. “It might be a weight off their minds to have some support.”
“I'll talk to her,” Nathaniel said.
Desmond let out a sigh, leaning against the table.
“Are you all right?” Sybil asked cautiously. Questioning a senior Maestro was generally not done, but nothing here was going as planned.
“We survive everything that comes our way,” Desmond answered with a sad smile. “Until we don't.”
“Until we don't,” Sybil answered, placing a hand on Kierry's shoulder. “Come, young one. We have work to do.”
“We should report to Reynolds,” Kierry said. “If he hears about Sienna's disappearance from us, he will think we are still loyal.”
“Good idea,” Sybil said. “Is that all right, Desmond?”
“There's no harm,” Desmond answered. “He'll know either way. Make it believable.”
“Of course,” Sybil winked at him. “I could have been an actor in another life.”
She and Kierry headed to the library, leaving Desmond alone in the kitchen with his thoughts.
Oh, Creator, he thought to himself. He had hoped he would never have to go through this again after Reynolds. If he did, he had hoped he'd be hardened to it. But it was just as painful as the moment he found that Reynolds had walked away. Obviously, the situation was different, but it was the same in a lot of ways.
Even if they found Sienna, he wasn't sure he could go through the rehabilitation again. He wasn't sure he was strong enough to survive, and yet, he knew everyone was counting on him to be the voice of reason.
But reason would not take away the feeling that his heart was going to stop, and his confidence in his ability to continue to serve the order was failing every second.