“I guess there’s no doubt about her being a NO.” A man’s voice clawed into my eardrum, stirring me from a peaceful nothingness.

“Franklin, she almost killed our son.” A woman spoke, flicking awareness deeper into my body.

“He’s fine. Already back to work. He’s a big boy, lass, stop babying him. Just because you missed those years, you can’t continue to treat him like a child.”

“I’m his mother. He will always be my boy,” she huffed. “But I’m protective of all of them here. We’re a family. And you know from day one I haven’t trusted her. There is something about her…I can’t figure it out. She’s hiding something.”

“We’re all hiding something.”

I kept still, letting them think I remained asleep.

“We have a natural obscurer. Do you get how rare it is? She could be a great asset.” Franklin’s voice bounced around the room as though he paced at the foot of my bed.

“Or our gravest mistake.”

“That’s up to the commander.”

My ears perked up. Would they finally take me to see him? Was I free or a prisoner here?

“This was kind of your fault.” Franklin’s boots clipped the floor. “You wanted to see if she was a NO. Your mistake was misjudging how that would manifest.”

“She protected that fae.”

A stone tugged my heart into a pit. Lorcan. Was he all right? Dead?

“Look, we might find it disgusting, but Cali is also emotionally attached to hers. He’s like her pet. She’s protected hers as well.”

“She hurts one of her own to defend a fae? It’s not right.”

“Doesn’t make her a traitor.”

Kenya snorted but didn’t respond.

“Let’s see what she does tomorrow night. To prove herself to the cause.”

“Fine.”

Footsteps neared me, then a hand landed on my shoulder, shaking it. “Wake up.” Franklin jostled me. I let him shake me a moment more before my lashes lifted up.

My tongue ran over my dry lips. I pushed myself up to sitting. I was in some kind of infirmary room. The rectangular room was chock full of cots with sheets draping off rope for dividers.

“How are you feeling?” Franklin stood on my left, peering at me with concern. Kenya stood back toward the end of my bed, her arms folded. She did not like me. Wanted me gone. That was clear.

“Okay.” I settled higher in the bed.

“Do you remember what happened?”

Should I lie?

Kenya’s glare felt as though it burned away my skin.

“Yes.” I nodded. “Is Major okay? I’m so sorry.”

“He’s fine. A little shaken up, but all right. He’s tough.” Franklin widened his stance, folding his arms.

I laced my hands in my lap, staring at them.

“I really am so sorry.” I looked at Kenya. Her mouth tightened in a thin line, but she nodded, as though superficially accepting my apology.

“Is…is…?” I took a breath. I didn’t know if I could handle the next answer. “Is my fae all right?”

I felt appalled with myself. My fae…the sentiment stuck in my throat.

“They were normal bullets,” Kenya spoke. She had purposely kept that little bit of information from me. Probably more of a test to see how I’d react. “He’s already healed. He’s down in the pit sleeping it off.”

Relief washed over me, and I couldn’t disguise the rush of air expelling from my lungs.

“We were never going to kill him. He is yours to deal with.” Kenya moved closer, her expression tight. “But we found your trigger, and we saw you were telling the truth.”

“I never wanted to hurt any of you.”

“We believe you,” Franklin responded, but it was obvious only one in the room actually believed that. It was the truth. I hadn’t wanted to hurt anyone, but when it came to Lorcan, it seemed out of my control.

“Glad you’re okay. Get some rest. Training starts early tomorrow.” Franklin patted my arm, but it came with no comfort.

“You still want me to train?”

Franklin stopped at the door, rubbing his chin. “Yes. I think you’re going to be a great addition here. You prove yourself on the mission tomorrow night, and I think the commander will be extremely interested in meeting you. You could be just what this fight needs.”

Kenya’s eyebrows furrowed, but she stayed quiet and followed Franklin out of the room. I flipped off the blanket the moment their footsteps disappeared down the hallway.

Lorcan was the only thing on my mind. I needed to see him. Despite being so drained that I had to drag my limbs down the hallway, I headed toward the pit. Two figures at the end of the hall caught my attention. A couple. Kissing.

I recognized the girl instantly. Cali. And the man she was with was no doubt a fae. Wolf. I could feel his energy. It was nowhere near as powerful as the dark dweller’s, but he still could hold his own.

“You better go.” She sighed, stepping back. He continued to watch her, but I felt no resentment from him. She went on her toes, her mouth finding his again. He grunted, slipping his hand through her black wavy hair, and pulling her into his chest, hungrily kissing her. I couldn’t move, watching the scene before me. This felt like more than her using him for sex. And he certainly wasn’t fighting it. Quite the opposite. Finally she broke away. “Maybe I should walk you down, make sure you’re tucked in for the night.” She grabbed his hand, pulling him around the corner. Right before he disappeared, his gaze lifted to me, our eyes locking for a second before he was gone. In his yellow eyes, a spark of something shone through. Life. He wasn’t entirely a zombie like the others in the pit.

He was in love with her. Interesting. My gut told me she was true to the Druid cause, but she cared for him just as much. My mind filled with so many questions. Was he doing this for her or had he given up, letting her break him? Along the way did they both fall for the enemy? I could certainly relate to that.

I wouldn’t be able visit Lorcan if they were down there. It was torture, but I steered myself back to my room, promising to see him first thing in the morning. I undressed, putting on the issued black T-shirt, and crawled into bed.

The moment my head touched the pillow, white light shredded across my mind, blinding out everything else, kidnapping me from this world and plopping me into another.

 

Flash.

I stood over a body. All I could see was dark blond hair of a large man, his face hidden in the dirt, but something told me I knew him. Did I do this to him? Magic sparked under my skin, igniting me with life. It was dark. Black. The power welcomed and feared.

Reaching down, I needed to confirm what I knew in my gut. My fingers clutched the man’s shoulder.

“Darkness surrounds Light,” a voice squawked above me. I jerked my head up to see a black raven sitting on a fence.

“Grimmel!”

“That is my name.”

As much as I loved that bird, I also wanted to kill him half the time.

“Return? False Queen had no light on inside.”

A pained smile ghosted my mouth. “I wish. But I can’t. Not yet.”

Grimmel shook his head, ruffling his feathers all the way down his back. “Light. Home.”

I actually got his meaning. Maybe I was starting to understand him. “I miss you too, Grimmel.”

His feet shuffled along the fence. “Can’t have one without the other. Part of you.”

My understanding disappeared. “What is?”

“Beast forced. But one close. Betrayed.”

“What?”

Grimmel clicked his beak like he was annoyed.

“Just tell me. No more riddles,” I demanded.

“Life. Puzzle. Find pieces. Figure out before too late.” Grimmel flapped into the sky. “Light. Dark. Good. Bad. All in you.”

Damn that freakin’ bird.

I looked down at my feet. The figure now faced me. But it was no longer the same one. Lorcan stared up at me, blackness oozing from a hole in his chest.

 

Flash.

I stared at myself. My brown eyes narrowed, pinned on something over my shoulder. Fury rippled the airwaves, magic coiling around me like a scarf. I tried to turn to focus on the object of my wrath, but I couldn’t, as though I were only tuned into one channel, locked on my own image. Wearing the same clothes I had on the night I was taken from the club to DLR, my face was bruised and cut, a trail of blood drying down the side of my face.

My face twisted, words spitting from the mouth. An unseen wind swiped at my hair, twirling it away from my face. My other body jolted, a haze covering my doppelganger’s gaze.

I didn’t know the spell I was conjuring, but I felt its darkness.

Meant to hurt.

Black magic.

Metal shrieked behind me as screams flooded the room. I could feel their pain and fear bouncing off my skin, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t see who I was hurting.

“Stop,” I yelled at myself. I don’t hurt. I heal. I protect. But my other version simply spoke faster, snarling out the black magic.

This was not me. But part of me couldn’t deny the rush I felt even watching the darkness spill over me, the power and confidence filling my body.

I heard a pained roar next to me, a man’s voice calling my name, then the sound of a body hitting the ground. My eyes lowered down to my feet. Blood pooled around them as if they were an island, waves breaking around my toes like a red sea.

I caught a reflection in the pool. A face I knew.

“Darlin’…”

Flash.

 

My lids flew open, my body jackknifed, and sweat rolled down my temple. It was dark, only a green exit sign glowed from above the door, so I could scarcely make out shapes.

My heart thumped, the vision still coursing through my head. Where was I? Was this real? I tried to slow my breaths, taking in long, deep inhales, but my body still felt buoyant and confused. I felt a pull to leave the room and run down the hallway. Toward something. A feeling deep in my gut told me it was safer outside this room.

I rocked, grabbed my ear, and yanked it on. “What do you feel?” I muttered to myself, going through my three questions. The soothing words eased my thumping heart, bringing me back.

I knew I was in a room at DLR. Undercover. But even though I knew where I was, the urge to go down the hall grew stronger, setting my feet on the floor. The need for him, my anchor, the one thing keeping me tethered to this earth, was too great to ignore. In all this fear and uncertainty, I craved our routine: him asking me those three questions, tugging on my ear.

Trembling, I pulled on my sweatpants and snuck down the passage toward the pit. The corridor was silent, everyone asleep. I tapped the code in and the door released.

Glancing over my shoulder, I slipped into the dim stairway, the door clicking behind me. I padded softly on bare feet. My eyes were slow to adjust in the dim light. The earthy scent of fresh hay wiggled up my nose, and I fought a sneeze. Fae could move around during the day, especially with their “owner,” but at night they were locked up.

All five forms appeared to be sound asleep, curled on their hay beds. Another wave of sickness rolled in my stomach. How could I do this to Lorcan? We had to stop the rogue Druids, but at what cost?

I made my way over to the last figure. His back was to me, and he did not flinch as I dropped next to him. I knew Lorcan; he was always on high alert. He was choosing to ignore me. I reached my hand out, trailing my finger softly through the stubble on his head. One muscle along his shoulder constricted.

“Lorcan.” I moved closer, keeping my voice low. “I am so sorry. Are you okay?”

He rolled closer to the wall, moving away from me.

“Please...” Whatever was in my voice twisted his head back to look at me, his forehead wrinkled.

“What’s wrong?”

“Everything.” I gnawed on my inner cheek, hoping pain would keep back the tears. “I was so worried about you. I wanted to come earlier…”

“I’m fine. Completely healed.” He sat up, the hay crinkling under his weight. “There’s something else going on.”

“I-I…vision.”

He reached out, cupping my face, and drew me into him. I closed my eyes in bliss, his heart beating rhythmically in my ear. He ran his fingers down to my lobe, pinching it. The pain made me sigh, falling deeper into his embrace.

“What did you see?”

The vision had consisted more of sensations than images.

“Me. I was working black magic. Hurting people.” You. I rubbed my face into his soft T-shirt, remembering the feeling of power. The body lying at my feet. His and his brothers’. “I’m scared.”

“We’ll face whatever comes,” he mumbled into my ear while his hands slid down my arms.

The “we” was what drew my head up to look at him. It eased the panic, the fear, and restlessness inside.

“I could have blown our cover tonight. But I couldn’t stop myself,” I muttered against his chest. “When you were shot I lost it.”

He didn’t respond but gripped me firmer. I tilted my head more to look at him. He was so close, his breath traced over my mouth, parting my lips. His gaze dropped down, a hitch catching his breath.

The draw was too much, and I was way too weak to fight it. Pushing off my heels, my mouth brushed at his, friction flaring between us. I could feel him lock up, but once again, I continued, hoping to feel him respond in kind. My tongue grazed his mouth, tracing the fullness. He inhaled through his nose, his fingers digging into my skin.

“Ken…” he rumbled.

I nipped his bottom lip, disregarding his warning. I was so forward with him, going for what I wanted, instead of being insecure and shy.

“Stop,” he stated, but his body still pressed against mine, his warmth blending my brain into jelly. The energy coming off both of us was intoxicating. I wanted nothing more than for it to take me under.

“Kiss me,” I murmured into his ear.

His chest rose and fell, his muscles still locked, his grip on my biceps almost painful.

“Please,” I begged. When did I become that girl? Oh right, the day I met Lorcan Dragen.

He dipped his chin, a groan rumbling in his chest. His mouth skimmed mine, leaving tingles behind. Sucking in sharply, the wall between us grew thin as tissue, our heavy breathing mixing together.

“No.” A pained moan came from him. He pushed himself back, his spine hitting the wall, his hand scouring his face.

My body felt chilled and lost. I stayed on my knees, blinking back the rejection. Again. I swallowed, tears building behind my lids as I stared at the ground.

“You’re vulnerable right now. This is not what you want.”

I pinched my mouth together, my chest whirling with hurt and anger.

“We can’t keep doing this. I think you know it…and I certainly do. We only cause pain. We’ve already made this mistake.”

I flinched. His sentiment might be right but didn’t take away the sting. I had thought the same thing and turned him away because of it. But hearing it from him planted utter agony in my stomach, the roots tunneling deep.

Silence engulfed us.

“You should go.” His tone was hollow.

I met his eyes.

Vacant.

Empty.

Not one ounce of emotion. He had shut down and become the zombie again.

“Lorcan…” Anger I could handle. It was the absence of emotion I couldn’t deal with.

“I’m here for one thing. My job. You need to focus on yours.” He leaned his arms on his knees, turning to the side. “Go now. Please.”

Cracks in my barricade splintered into gaping cavities. My vision blurred as I rose to my feet, my head held high. I headed for the stairs, not letting my wounds show. I had become good at putting on a front. But the moment I returned to the safety of my room, I let the tears flow.

I was the one to force him to walk away, but now that he had come back into my life, I could feel myself scrambling to hold on to anything. Any hope. My choice in the tunnel when I told Lorcan to leave felt so right at the time. Now all I wanted to do was take it back. Redo my mistake.

But life didn’t let you go back. I could only look forward living with a decision that would haunt me the rest of my life.