I awoke to the familiarity of my own room. The electric blue lake and green mountains capped with snow were like a painting through my doors. Yellows and oranges reflected off the clouds, telling me a new day had begun.

I sat with a start. Morning? Had I slept almost an entire day?

A throb of pain cut across my arm, and I glanced down at the gauze wrapping it tightly. Healing it hadn’t even crossed my mind, not when Castien needed all my energy.

Oh. God. Castien.

I flung the covers off, my bare feet padding across the floor. I barreled through my door, heading toward the infirmary, vaguely aware I was dressed only in a flimsy nightgown. Not something I would ever dress myself in. My favorite sleep attire was a Firefly T-shirt I got at Comic-Con years ago. Much of my personal staff was horrified by what I wore, thinking the Queen should be dressed like royalty in bed too. Nope. Never going to happen. Not conscious anyway.

“Majesty! Where do you think you are going?” Hazel bounded out of the chair outside my door. She stood at my height but was thick and stocky with silvering hair and a stern face that liked to frown at me a lot. She was my attendant, sort of like a lady-in-waiting. She had been in this role for centuries and did her job well, but she was not the German, cookie-making grandma she appeared to be. The woman had to be old even by fae standards, but she was plucky. I think she could out wrestle and outrun me if I tried to slip past her.

“I need to check on Castien.”

“You most certainly will not.” She pointed back to my room. “You need to rest.”

“I’m good. All rested.”

“March it back there, missy. You will go nowhere dressed like this.” She continued to wave me back to the room. “Highly inappropriate for a Queen to be seen like that in public.”

I was pretty sure she didn’t like me, or the fact I was Queen, but I would never get rid of her. She was like an institution in the castle. No one could recall a time she was not in it.

“I have to see if he is okay.”

“You can after you are properly dressed.” She’d given up pointing where she wanted me to go. Her hand turned me back into my room.

“Scandal follows you enough, Majesty. I don’t think they need another picture of you running around in your underwear.”

Another one. Right. The press did get lucky that one night I freaked out after a vision and ran straight out of the gates before my guards could catch me. It happened a few days after my coronation, dressed only in my Firefly T-shirt and tiny boy-shorts. Nice to wake to that on the front page. The reporters were a lot more vigilant now trying for more pictures.

Dressing myself in whatever was within grabbing distance, I flew out the door, not letting Hazel block me this time, and sprinted for the section of the castle containing the infirmary. Thara was on guard outside my waiting room, but she let me go, jogging after me without a word, seeming to understand exactly where I was headed.

Thara, Castien, and Torin were my core sentinels, the ones I trusted with my life. Torin ran my security unit. But those three were in on my every move and decision I made, so they could better protect me. And I considered them friends.

My knee-length boots hit the floor as I bolted to Castien. My subjects did double takes as I passed, their mouths agape at their Queen running like a flailing ostrich.

“Your grace?” A green-haired healer stood up, curtsying as I ran to the front desk. “We weren’t expecting you.”

“Castien? Where is he?” I sucked in gulps of air. Damn, I was out of shape. Torin had started basic training with me a couple weeks ago, saying I needed to at least know how to defend myself. I was not the best student although I had been enjoying the drills more after my meeting with the noble committee. I didn’t like being bad at things, but I’d never excelled at exercise. PE was always my lowest grade.

“Room six.” She pointed toward the back.

“Thank you,” I replied and rushed in that direction with Thara silently on my tail. I got to the door and stopped, my hand on the knob. Anxiety and guilt lumped in my stomach.

“I’ll wait for you here, Majesty.” Thara’s voice drew my head up to her.

She was tall, five ten, with long, dark brown hair and light caramel skin. Her Native American heritage dominated her proud face and almond-shaped eyes. She was breathtaking. Always regal and stoic and a little cold and serious, she didn’t sugarcoat things, which I respected. As Queen, even when I knew they hated me, I got a lot of ass-kissers. I appreciated her upfront attitude.

Her particular talent was to see people’s abilities. In meetings with new individuals, she’d whisper in my ear what type of fae they were or what magic they held. Knowledge was power, and that was an extraordinary gift in my line of work.

“Thank you, Thara.” I nodded and pushed open the door with a deep breath.

Castien lay in bed, IVs sticking out of his arms as bags of blood helped replenish his lost supply. The majority of his face was still black, shredded, and scalded.

My hand went to my mouth, my lids blinking frantically. He was alive, but the damage was so severe.

He was there because he was protecting you.

Lea is dead because of you.

“It looks a lot worse than it is. The principal healer said he will be fine,” a voice broke the silence, drawing my attention to the person in the chair next to Castien. “In a few weeks.”

“Ryan.” I bounded for my best friend. He barely stood before my body collided into him, my arms wrapping around him so tight. Ryan was like a happy trigger for me. Having his arms around me and breathing in his familiar scent made me feel so comforted, like I was young again, safe in our tree fort when our lives consisted of playtime and warm afternoons.

Ryan exhaled in my ear, and his muscles relaxed into me.

“I am so sorry, Ry.” I squeezed him firmly to me.

“It’s not your fault, Ken. Do not blame yourself.” He pulled away, hurriedly brushing under his eyes before I could see the tears. His eyes were bloodshot with bags, and worry weighed down his shoulders. But being typical Ryan, he waved away the vulnerable emotion. “I tried to get over to see you too, but your Nurse Hatchet pulled a Mr. Miyagi and practically used my ass to wax the floor.”

I snorted, picturing Hazel doing just that. “Yeah. She’s a treasure.”

“Relic is more like it.” He grinned, running his hand through his spiky brown hair.

I felt the first genuine smile tug at my mouth. Ryan was like ointment, soothing me with his presence. “I’ve missed you so much.” I looked away, blinking back tears.

“I miss you more.” He reached over, pulling my head to him and kissing my forehead. “I hate we can’t see each other more.”

“Me too.” I had hoped Ryan and Castien would move into the castle since Castien had to be here a majority of his days now. But Ryan couldn’t do it. The memories of this place, of his time being held captive here, kept him happily living with Lily and Mark in a large cabin near the dwellers. I understood especially because I think he related this place to Ian’s murder. Even though he technically lived closer to the actual spot Ian died, this was where Ryan dealt with it, mourned him.

A soft groan came from the bed, and we both whirled toward Castien. Ryan moved to his side, taking his hand.

“Cas?” His free hand fingered through the dark mop of his boyfriend’s hair. Castien didn’t respond, seeming about to slip back into deeper sleep. Fae didn’t need to be in infirmaries often, but when they did it usually kept them there for a month.

“He’s going to be okay,” I said more for myself than Ryan.

“Of course he is.” Ryan’s brows furrowed. “My man is made of everything stubborn and ornery. He’ll be awake and doing sit-ups at five a.m., annoying the hell out of me. Batman forbid he’d miss a workout.”

Another reason why Ryan and I got on, we were the “excuse queens” of getting out of gym class. He used to annoy the gym coach all the time, nudging me, always making me cover my face in embarrassment. “I know I’m a boy, but they’re sympathy cramps. It is too a real thing. You’re in the health profession, so you of all people should know that.” or “Why would I want to get sweaty running when I can get sweaty without even leaving a bed?”

Now I understood the last one. Or I did a year ago…

A soft knock rattled the door before it opened. “My lady?” Torin stuck his head in.

Crap.

“Sorry to interrupt, but you are already late.”

I sighed. “Okay, thank you, Torin.” He nodded and shut the door again.

“The way that man looks at you.” Ryan wiggled his eyebrows. “He definitely wants you to pour some sugar on him.”

“Ugh. Ryan.” I smacked his arm. When Ember joined our duo, Ryan took to calling me Sugar, the sweet one. Ember was Spice as she brought all the excitement to our lives. He was Salty, the sarcastic one.

“Except, I think my sweet one fell in the pepper jar. Got a bite now.”

“Take care of your boy. I’ll be back when I can.” I kissed Ryan’s cheek, ignoring his statement. I didn’t want him to look too close, see too much... or ask something I couldn’t answer. Lorcan was a taboo topic. I could never tell the details of my time with Lorcan to the friend I usually told everything to.

“Ken, it’s time.” His tone stopped me at the door. “He would want you to move on, to be happy.”

Jared. I swallowed, grief coiling in my throat.

“Torin is a great guy. He’s perfect for you. Don’t let it slide by because you are trying to protect Jared’s memory. He would not want you to stop living because of him.”

My lashes fluttered; my chest clenched. No, he wouldn’t. Jared would want me to be happy…and that was where the thorn lay. I didn’t deserve to be happy, especially not when the precise person my heart longed for was the same one who would obliterate everything. Ryan would never accept it, and I would lose him.

“Listen to me. Ken?” Ryan asked. “After all you’ve been through. The loss and heartache. You only think about everyone else. Sometimes you need to think of yourself. If that hunk of a man out there will do that, then please don’t walk... run. You deserve happiness too.”

I couldn’t hear any more. I flew out the door, my lungs struggling for oxygen.

If I thought of what I really wanted, it would end up destroying others and myself. Just like it had before.

 

 

“Lea’s memorial will be tomorrow; her family is traveling here now.” Torin’s voice was somber as he walked me down the hall, Thara on my other side.

“Let me know when they get here as I want to personally give them my condolences.” It wouldn’t bring her back, but it was the right thing to do.

“Dying in the line of duty, for us, is an honor. Her family will accept her Medal of Honor.”

I nodded, my throat knotting up like a child’s shoelaces.

“And Ember’s called three times. She heard from Lily about the attack and is very worried about you.”

“I’ll call her after the meeting.” What I really wanted was to have her home. Ryan, Ember, and me snuggled on a sofa, watching movies, and laughing like we used to. Talking about boys and dealing with our little dramas when we thought life was so difficult. We had no idea what complicated truly was. Now my reign was buckling under the foundation. One of my guards was dead, the other in intensive care. Yeah, I wanted to hide under my covers.

“What meeting am I going to?” I tugged at my hair, trying to fire up the engine to my brain. After yesterday’s events, my head completely misfiled what was on the calendar for today. I thought I only had the visit to the orphanage scheduled and training with Torin later.

Torin’s gaze went to Thara, then to me. “It’s not on the books.”

“O-kay.” I waited for him to continue, but his hand went to my back, steering me down a rarely used hallway. “Are either of you going to tell me what is going on?” When I glanced back at Thara I saw her eyes move to where he touched me, her mouth tight. I had no reason to feel guilty, but I felt as though I was stealing his love from her. Her eyes lifted to mine, and whatever she saw reflected back at her made her frown more before her face turned up and went blank.

I had plenty of crushes on boys who never looked at me twice. It hurt, but I had always been aware they were a fantasy. I almost preferred them that way. Safe. But Thara’s pain was real. Not some little crush. She deeply loved him.

Torin turned us down a few more corridors. When we reached a corner turret, we descended down the stairs.

“Okay, now I’m getting genuinely nervous.” I tried to laugh, but legitimate nerves rubbed against my spine, prickling up the back of my neck. I had never ventured to this part of the castle. “Tell me where we are going.”

“Somewhere no one but us knows about.”

“That doesn’t help at all,” I teased, but my voice wobbled. “Are you going to kill me? Is that your plan this whole time?”

Torin smiled, rolling his eyes back. “Not even funny, my lady.”

“Plus, if we were going to kill you, we wouldn’t need to be this secretive. We could probably do it upstairs. Have a bonfire,” Thara said dryly behind me. “Well, we’d have to see if you float first.”

I twisted to look at her, my feet taking each step down carefully. A small smile hinted at her lips. “Witch. Got it.” I snorted. “Now you decide to be funny, while you are taking me down into the abyss.

She shrugged.

“Plus, I’m not a witch,” I huffed. It seemed to be bred in our bones to take offense at being compared to them. Witches were usually human and had no actual magic. They merely had the power of their mind, which they used in spells, only dancing on the edges of earth’s energy. Druids were given the gift of true magic from the fae gods. Our favor with the gods was what started the hate, propaganda, and extermination of Druids. The fae, especially Aneira, did not like that our power not equaled, but in some ways overpowered, the fae’s.

After another minute we came to the bottom, and Torin grabbed a lantern. Like the lights in the castle, it was a bulb, but the inside flickered with flames, giving off more light than any torch. The moment I hit the tunnel my lungs clenched together, and the blackness stayed thick and heavy a few steps ahead of us like a heavy drape. The smells…it took me right back to that night.

Tunnel. Darkness. War. Jared. Death. Lorcan.

“Breathe, my lady.” Torin was suddenly in front of me, intertwining his hand in mine. I hadn’t even realized I stopped walking, my lungs struggling to capture oxygen. He leaned in close, and it simply pushed me deeper into the memory of being in a similar space. The night the arrow burrowed into Jared’s heart. Poetic, actually, as it symbolized what I had done to him: stabbed him through the heart, letting it bleed out on the ground.

The anger I felt at myself for what I did to him, for not being able to heal him, never went away, simply hibernated. Now the bear was awake and roaring.

Torin took both of my hands in his, pulling me into his chest, wrapping his arms around me. My inhales were jagged and shallow, and I couldn’t seem to find my way out, the nightmare surrounding me.

“I am here,” Torin whispered into my ear. “Everything will be all right.”

My lids closed; Torin’s words became someone else’s. His warmth and body became another’s. I hated myself, but I still let my imagination proceed. Let myself visualize the one thing I shouldn’t.

I’m here, li’l bird. His voice strong in my mind, his arms muscular and comforting. You’re safe. I sighed, my shoulders dropping, my heartbeat slowing.

I stepped back from Torin’s hold, my head down.

“Thank you,” I croaked. “I’m fine now.”

Torin’s finger went under my chin, lifting my head.

“Like I said, always, my lady.” His gaze burned into mine.

My smile was strained as I stepped back. The feeling of Thara’s gaze on me was like a fourth presence in the room.

“We need to go,” Thara said, emotionless, stepping forward. “You know he does not like to be kept waiting.”

Torin nodded and turned back around. I followed them down the passageway, blocking all my demons from attacking me again.

Little did I know an actual demon waited for me in the room down the hall.