21 – Harlan Didn’t Kiss Me

In response to the frantic tone in Jaggar’s voice, Leilani had scrambled for the clock in her mind, giving the hands a spin like a roulette wheel. She watched them in utter, sick fascination, loving the power of it.

Stop it! her mind cried and she slammed down on the hands of the clock with her fingers, stopping them at straight up. Straight up was home. Straight up was normal, as normal as could be for her.

They arrived in the forest of Trevor’s land, a cool breeze scented with earth and night air touching her face, cooling her fascination with the clock just a little. She clutched at Jaggar, getting a better grip on him, rubbing one of her hands on his strong arm, just a little. The clock in her mind held more sway over her every minute, calling her attention so easily, making her want to use it, use it, and the only thing that could compete was Jaggar. If she was touching him, if she was talking to him, she could keep her focus on him and keep herself from scrambling the time in her mind.

She sighed, not letting go of Jaggar. “We’re back,” she whispered, not quite daring to say, “We’re home.”

She knew him now, didn’t she? Knew important things about him, except for the one thing she really wanted to know: Who he was now. He was older than she was, almost twice her age, and yet that was the thing about him that bothered her the least.

He crouched slightly on the path, his arms raised, mumbling. She couldn’t see him, but she could feel his stance. She leaned in close to hear his words.

“Beast, I shifted before. Why didn’t you tell me?” His tone was almost a moan. He stiffened, then groaned slightly and her heart went to him. Now she knew what the catamount had meant. He had survived much.

She tried to orient herself, thinking they should head to the cabin. “We’re back,” she told Jaggar again.

“Back,” he muttered. “Ok, we’re back.” But he didn’t move. She traced the bend in his arm up to where it led. Both of his big hands were on his head. She followed them there, feeling his short hair.

She pulled at him, wanting to get him moving. Her foot twisted under her and she almost lost her grip on him, stepping back too quickly. A sharp pain shot up her heel. “Ouch,” she cried.

Jaggar stood immediately and pulled her in close to him. “Did you hurt yourself?” his deep voice rasped.

“I think I cut my foot.”

“My fault,” he muttered, then, just that quick, she was in his arms. “I’ll take you to the cabin.”

He carried her down the path. She couldn’t see anything, only that strange silver light the clock in her mind gave off, but she could hear and she could sense. The night was quiet. Running water gurgled down a stream somewhere behind them, and a woman laughed from far away.

Leilani smiled. She couldn’t help it. She liked him carrying her. She’d never been carried by a man and just the feeling of it invoked so many images in her mind. Marriage. A first home. Children. All things she’d never thought she would have. But more than that, she had to admit that it felt good to be carried and protected by such a strong man.

She touched his chest, shyly, then, moving with more boldness, creeping her hands up around his neck. She laced her fingers together, still grinning like an idiot. Then she got bolder still and laid her head against his chest. She was blind. She was with her mate. He was a… a beast. A demon was after them. She felt, for just a moment, she deserved to take a silly moment, to really enjoy the good stuff with the bad. So she acted like she was normal, for just a minute or two.

A deep rumble of male satisfaction came out of Jaggar, and she didn’t just like it, she loved it. The noise woke her up from the inside out, making her imagine the word mate as a verb for the first time.

Her breath caught in her throat at the thought and her cheeks heated. She barely knew him.

He tromped up three steps, then twisted his body to the side, opened a door, and took them through a doorway. It was so strange to her, not using her eyes to gather information about the world around her, relying instead on sound and the breeze and the way her body moved through space. Why did she now feel like not being able to see was only temporary? Jaggar made her feel that way, like he would move the heavens to get her anything she needed. She could almost believe he would be able to do it. For the first time, she wondered how he felt about her, but at the same time, she knew. It was in his every word to her, every time he held her or patted her hand, in the way he’d picked her up and brought her here. He adored her.

She almost adored him back.

He took her into the bathroom. She could tell by how small the room felt, and by how it smelled of disinfectant.

“I’m going to put you down on the edge of the tub and see if there’s a first aid kit in here, ok? Can you keep your hands on me while I look in the cabinet?”

“Yes,” she said shyly.

“Keep us here, if you can,” he told her, placing her down like she was a soap bubble he didn’t dare allow to pop. “If you can’t, I understand.” He twisted slowly, so she could keep her hands on his shoulders, then he opened cabinet doors.

“Yes,” he said to himself, pulling something out of the cabinet. He twisted back to her, then she heard the sound of him opening a metal container. He grasped her foot in his hand and lifted it. “You cut yourself. It’s not bad. I’ll take care of it.”

She knew he would. He touched her with so much care, every placement of his hands and fingers as gentle as possible. She lost herself in the moment of being cared for by him so deeply that she almost lost her grip on his shoulders. He dropped whatever he had in his hands and grabbed her wrists just as her complete relaxation was slipping them down. “Hold on, Lele,” he said, “hold on to me. Don’t let go.”

“Lele,” she whispered. The same thing the catamount had called her.

He stopped what he was doing for a moment and she sensed him looking at her. “Can I call you that?” His quiet voice was loud in the small room, cutting through the quiet.

“Yes,” she whispered. She liked it. She liked it as much as she liked being carried by him, as much as she liked being taken care of by him.

After several quiet moments, he had her foot bandaged. He picked her up again and carried her back down the hallway into the living room.

“I’m going to sit you on the couch,” he said.

“Ok,” she whispered into the absolute quiet of the room.

He bent and placed her so gently it made her imagine him laying a baby down to sleep for a nap. She wouldn’t let go of his neck. He stayed bent over for a second, then knelt in front of her. She scooted forward on the couch so she could be close to him, opening her knees wide, so he could fit between them, right up against the couch.

He moved his hands so they were on the couch alongside her and drooped his head. He muttered to himself, just a few words. She thought she caught him saying something about, ‘beast’. The distress in his voice unnerved her.

“Can you talk to your… your animal?” she asked, to have something to say to him. To Jaggar. To her mate. Her fingers twitched against his skin as she thought the word. Was she fooling herself by thinking she could fight this? That she could choose any differently than this? Or that she wanted to choose differently than this? She wasn’t sure.

“No,” he said, his tone gentle, but his voice harsh. But then he groaned, moving his hands to either side of his head.

“What?” she asked, scared all of a sudden.

“It hurts,” he said, his voice small like she’d never heard it before. “It’s hurt all my life, but it-you…” His voice trailed off. She felt him gather his strength and move in close to her. “You stop it. When you touch me, I don’t feel the pain so much, and I’m glad you’re touching me now, because it’s trying to come back, my pain. It’s trying to destroy me.”

Leilani pulled the big male in, hugging him to her chest. He smelled good, like forests and mountains and rugged outdoors. “Why destroy?”

“I don’t know.” He groaned again. “He came out when I needed him, but he never told me,” Jaggar moaned. “‘Take me to church’ was nothing but a way for me to deny myself. I am an idiot.”

“You’re a survivor,” she said. “The catamount said so.” The words were automatic and they painted a picture in her mind, but she struggled to grasp what they meant. Jaggar seemed to be a key for her, but even when she clung to him, she could not think clearly and could not remember things she needed to remember. The more time she spent with him, the more grounded she felt, but still she didn’t know what he was saying. Maybe that she was good for him, too?

“Who is the catamount?” he asked her. Had he asked her the question before? She thought wildly, trying to remember, the clock looming in her mind, wanting her to touch it, to at least look at it. Silver light flooded everything. She tried to ignore it, thinking instead about Jaggar’s question. Did she even know who the catamount was? She did. An image of a jungle cat came to her, all powerful muscles and sharp teeth. The catamount lived in the meadow.

She moved her hands from his shoulders to his forearms, while she tried to think how to answer. Her eyes were open, that silver light swimming inside her own mind, obscuring her own vision, and she felt the light flash brighter, felt her energy raise to dangerous levels, as she considered. Jaggar let go of his head and grabbed her around the waist.

Her energy flared for just a second, and the clock shook, and she thought they were going to travel, but it stilled. She watched it in her mind and tried to speak. “The-she’s a- she’s like you, or like your mom, I guess.”

“A shifter?” he asked, his voice soft but delicious to her. He was so well-spoken, his voice so perfectly deep and masculine.

“No, just a big cat. A mountain lion.”

“A catamount,” he said plainly.

“Yes,” she said.

He didn’t speak for several moments, and when he did, his voice held strain. “Leilani, I- I don’t know what is going on.”

“Yes, you were… gone,” she said.

He dropped his head into her lap and she put her hands on his head, feeling the short, short hair there.

“I regret what I did to Harlan when he kissed you,” Jaggar said, his voice muffled by her lap.

“Kissed me!” she said. She pulled his head up, keeping her hands on him. “Are you joking?” She wished she could see his expression. But she could feel wetness on his cheek. He wasn’t joking, and it was tearing him up inside. “I never kissed Harlan,” she told him, shaking her head ‘no’.

But then she understood. “Eventine. Eventine was… she was in my body. She kissed Harlan. I was in the meadow.”

He didn’t speak for a long time. She held her breath, listening to his breathing. It was heavy, but halting. His shoulders trembled. Leilani cried silently, just a little. She couldn’t help it. He’d thought she had kissed Harlan? That’s why he’d done what he did? That’s why he’d left? Her heart both loosened and tightened and a voice spoke inside her mind. Not her voice. He’s not a human, Lele, you can’t hold him to human standards. Try to understand.

She nodded, not knowing why she was doing so, letting her heart open to him. “Do you know the meadow?” she asked him, wanting to get him talking, wanting to connect with him so bad it hurt.

“No,” he said too quickly. “Kind of,” he countered. “Do you mean where Crew spent time with Rhen?” His voice was tight, so tight, but it had nothing to do with her.

“Maybe.” She frowned. “It’s not totally clear to me right now. I know that sounds crazy, and I know I might be… crazy, but it’s hard to think about it…” She let go of him and put her hands on her own head, glad he had ahold of her so tightly.

“Crew is a wolf, right?” she said.

“Yes,” he answered. “He’s mated to Dahlia. Your sister.”

“Dahlia, yes, I’ve seen her. She’s sweet.”

“Yeah.” He smiled. She didn’t know how she knew he was smiling but she did. She reached out for his face, wishing she could see him.

“The catamount lives in the meadow,” she said, sure about that much, at least. “She says I have purpose. She says you’re dangerous.” The words spilled out of her, and she only knew what they were after she’d said them. “That scared me when she said it.”

“You’re scared of me?” he said, and she couldn’t read his tone, only that it was soft.

She chewed on her bottom lip. Tried to think about it. Was she still scared of him? Instead of answering, she leaned closer to him, pulled him in closer to her. Her heart beat madly before her mind ever knew what she intended.

She touched her lips to his.

Oh! His lips were firm and soft at the same time, warm and alive. Neither of them moved for a moment, they only pressed together. He melted under her touch, leaning into her, pulling her hips closer to him, a soul-deep sigh coming from him, like he couldn’t imagine anything better in the world. His head tilted one way and hers tilted the other. Oh, she liked it so much. His facial hair tickled her, rough and masculine and she ran her fingers over it while he pressed his lips against hers, so very gentle.

Her body was on fire, her mind completely clear for the first time in… ever. She knew who she was in that moment. She was a woman in the arms of a male who adored her. A tide broke inside her as she gave herself over to the feeling, letting it touch her in new places, letting it wake her up. Yes! his lips said. Good, his lips said. You are good, you are beautiful, and I want you to be mine, his being said as he got as close to her as he possibly could, pulling her against him. She gripped him with a sudden ferocity born from someplace deep inside her that she’d never encountered before. Yes.

The ferocity scared her and she broke the kiss, grief filling her immediately. She didn’t let him go, though. She couldn’t quite handle the kiss, but she would never let him go. She breathed hard and blushed. “My first kiss,” she said, embarrassed that it was. She was twenty-six years old.

“Mine, too,” he said, startling her.

“No,” she said, shaking her head. “That’s not possible.” She pulled back, but he held her close.

“It is, Lele. The beast- my animal, he doesn’t do well around females, never has. I’ve never trusted myself before. I always thought it would be different with my mate… but when our females died…” His voice trailed off and then his head dropped. “I gave up.”

Leilani considered that for a moment, her heart breaking for Jaggar. Outside, she heard voices call from far away. Smokey, a woman was calling. She glanced in the direction she knew the door to be, wondering if it was locked. She was glad she was alone with Jaggar and didn’t want anyone coming in on them. She wanted to know him.

“It’s locked,” he said, and she jumped.

“What about me?” she said. “Does your animal… do well around me?”

She could hear the smile in his voice. “You soothe him.” His voice hitched then, and he groaned, pulling one of his hands away from her. She moved her hands from his face to his shoulders, holding on tight, just in case he let go completely. She couldn’t afford to be separated from him right then. She needed him. Her heart was wide open and it just wasn’t safe to walk around like that without protection, without a buffer. Jaggar was her buffer. All at once, her fear of him fell away. He was dangerous. But not to her.

Jaggar groaned again.

“What’s wrong?” she whispered.

“I think he’s speaking to me,” Jaggar said. “And it hurts.” He took a deep breath. “But it’s letting up. I see this picture in my head of him. He’s big and he’s ugly, but he’s rolling over to show you his belly. Now he’s running around like a pup, chasing his tail, making his ears flop forward and back. Now he’s licking your face, doing anything he can to make you laugh. Now he’s running up a too-small tree, clutching the top of it with his legs until it cracks and spills him to the ground. He just rolled again, he’s on his back, all four feet in the air.”

Leilani smiled. She couldn’t help it. “He’s a… a goofball.”

“Only for you,” Jaggar whispered.

“That’s fine,” she whispered back fiercely. “That’s perfectly fine and you tell him so.” She moved her hands over Jaggar’s face and stared into his eyes with her sightless eyes, knowing he was looking back and the beast was, too. “You’re not a beast. You’re not an abomination. You’re good and you’re handsome and you’re special and I… I like you.”

Jaggar came in even closer to her, and just before his lips touched hers again, he whispered to her.

“I want to know you, too.”

Silver flashed.