33 – Leilani’s Purpose

Jaggar held himself together, his head down as he struggled to get himself under control. His tongue worried his fangs, pushing at them. Shrink, motherfuckers, shrink!

“What’s wrong?” Leilani said. “What’s going on?” She got up on one elbow and touched him on the back of his neck. He pulled away from her, wanting her so badly he didn’t dare let her touch him.

A snarl in his head interrupted his thoughts. It was in her head, too, judging by how she reacted. He looked up, then scrambled off the bed, pulling Leilani to her feet, knowing something was coming…

As soon as they were on their feet, they moved. His room fell away, and in its place was the meadow.

“Oh,” Leilani said, dropping his hand at once, before the catamount’s snarl could get going. “Eventine’s office is gone.”

They were standing between the Path of the Catamount and the Path of the Wolf, facing where Eventine’s office had been, but Leilani was right, it was completely gone, which meant the door to the in-between place they’d just been was gone, too. So much for living like ghosts, in the land of the living, still with the ones they loved, but not able to interact with anyone there.

An animal strolled out of the Path of the Catamount. His cat, so strong and big. Tabias, Leilani said in his head.

“Tabias,” Jaggar whispered. The cat came to him. Jaggar’s heart swelled with so many things he wanted to say. “I’m sorry,” was all that came out of his mouth. Sorry for denying you, sorry for hating you, sorry for never even getting to know you. Sorry for every stupid fucking decision I made. That stops now. I’m done with my bullshit, and I hope you’ll forgive me. Jaggar couldn’t speak the words out loud or in ruhi, but they spilled out onto his cheeks in two unwelcome tears.

From the Path of the Wolf came his wolf, dark and dangerous looking, with something in his mouth. A box, no, a present. It was wrapped simply, in dark green and blue. Jaggar took it from his wolf solemnly, his eye tracing first his wolf’s anchor renqua, and then his cat’s renqua, rather like two watch hands connected on a spindle.

Jaggar knew what you did with presents. You opened them. He ripped off the bow, ripped off the paper, and peeled the lid off, his mind still on his animals, on how he could make them understand that he’d been wrong to deny the beast, and he knew it now.

The box was empty.

He looked in it. Held it up. Turned it over and shook it. It was definitely empty. It disappeared from his hands. Poof, gone. What the fuck? He snarled softly at himself, not wanting to curse in front of his mate, not even in his own head. Control. He needed it. He would have it.

From the Path of the Catamount strolled the biggest, most awesome-looking catamount he had ever seen. She had been radiant from the back, but face-on, she was strike-you-dumb beautiful. The catamount.

She came directly to him, stopping when she got close and lifting her front half gracefully, until her paws first passed, then dropped onto, his shoulders. She licked his face once on each cheek. It made him weak. He sank to his knees under the force of that utter divine acceptance, barely aware of the meadow, or even his mate.

The catamount dropped to the ground in front of him, then turned away from him. He could only flounder, his normal way of being having deserted him. He had no control of his body, no command of his muscles. His mind was filled with a slick hum that crowded out all thought and response.

In front of him, his mate turned away from him and walked a short way with the catamount. A door appeared in front of them, a door that had no place in the meadow. A door that had to lead somewhere bad, somewhere his mate should never go without him. He wrestled with himself, trying to force himself to get up, to move.

Nothing was working. His animals crowded him, pressing against him from both sides, lending him strength, but not helping him up. Take me to church, he said in his own head, repeating it, re-building his will, somehow getting one foot underneath himself…

***

Leilani put her hand on the doorknob, repeating the words the catamount had said to her.

You must be convincing. This is your last trip through time. Your only purpose. Give it everything you have, Lele.

Of course she would, but even if it was possible, would it change anything? She took a lingering look at her mate, not wanting to leave him without explaining herself, but he was on his knees in the flowers, Tabias on his right, his wolf on his left. “He’ll be ok while I’m gone?”

The catamount didn’t answer.

Leilani knew better than to demand. But Jaggar, he was pushing to his feet. He said her name. She tried to run to him.

The catamount got in her way. Hurry, Lele, this is how you help him. Go through the door, go now. Do not let him stop you from your purpose or all is lost.

Leilani faltered for only a moment, before she nodded and lunged for the door, her hands over her ears so she couldn’t hear her mate calling for her.

The door opened in front of her, without her touching it. She saw only darkness but she didn’t stop. It shut behind her, cutting her off from the meadow with an abrupt slam that hurt her heart.

She blinked in the absolute darkness and silence, her momentum carrying her forward a few steps before she stopped. Where was she?

It felt like a cave, a vast cave with countless secrets and unlimited capacity. She got moving again, heading forward in the dark, knowing she would not trip over anything, because she knew where she was, didn’t she? For all its strangeness, this space was also very familiar.

Ahead of her, a light flickered and she headed toward it, glancing at the clock in her mind on the way. She didn’t look at it for long, only marked its current position and got her focus the hell away from it.

The little hand was almost down, and the big hand was pointing more to the left. 6:37-ish, a position she’d never seen it in before. If to the left mean to PAST, and down MEADOW, then this could be to the past through the meadow. Was that how it worked? She wasn’t sure.

As she drew closer to the light that flickered ahead of her, she realized what it was. A steady stream of thoughts, like electricity, ran through the cave. Or rather, her own head. That’s where she was, she knew. This was one more new type of travel for her, and she wondered if there was any end to the number of ways she could travel. Her gut told her there were many more ways than Graeme believed there were. He’d said two types only. She hadn’t known any better, then, but now she did.

Thoughts arced from one wall of the “cave” to the other, doubling over on themselves, some repeating again and again and again. She saw them as words bathed in light. “I’m hungry. I’m bored. I hate that new nurse. I’m tired. I love this book. I wish they would just leave me alone!” Leilani stepped through the wall of thoughts easily. She wasn’t scared of them. They belonged to her. On the other side, she saw a movie on the front wall of the cave. No, it wasn’t a movie, it was the view out her own eyes.

She hadn’t acknowledged herself yet, but then, she wouldn’t. She already thought she was crazy.

***

Jaggar stalked back and forth in front of the catamount, eyeing her. He rubbed his hand down his face, trying to figure out his next move. Leilani had disappeared in the door, and the door had disappeared from the meadow. He wanted to demand to know where she was, but more than that, he wanted to wring the catamount’s neck. How dare she?

The catamount watched him back. Her voice came from all around him. You can’t take me.

“I can try,” he told her, wondering if it would hurt Rhen if he did. His insides twinged at the thought and he couldn’t read the feeling, did not know what it meant.

Don’t ask Tabias to fight against me, the catamount said. He’ll be divided and you may never make it past that.

“Send me to my mate,” he told her, “and I won’t fight you.”

I will not.

Jaggar shook his head, his patience worn to nothing, his fists clenched together so tightly his shoulders ached with the strain of it.

Control yourself or I will control you, the catamount said.

He eyeballed her. “You had no right to ask my mate to do whatever she is doing alone. She’s fragile, she needs me with her.”

The catamount snarled. Jaggar covered his ears. His cat and his wolf shook their heads, his wolf whining in the back of his throat.

You’re wrong, and as long as you see her that way, neither of you will be happy.

“Happy? Who said anything about happy?” Jaggar snarled back. “Haven’t you taught me that I don’t get to be happy?”

***

Leilani was sitting on the edge of her bed in the Roosevelt, staring at the TV. Supernatural was on. Season 10, episode 4, Paper Moon. Sam and Dean were on the screen, listening to a cop describe what sounded like a wild animal attack. Behind her the door opened.

Joel.

Leilani felt herself stiffen as Joel’s hands landed on her shoulders. He bent his head and whispered into her ear.

“Hello, beautiful,” he said. “I’ve been watching you.”

Leilani shivered. Light flared from behind her and she turned to see her thoughts from this side.

What is he doing? Oh my God, what did he mean by that? Just stay still, just don’t move, it won’t go any further than this if you don’t move. Just freeze, freeze, stay still.

Leilani’s mind raced as she tried to think of how best to convince herself.

“Leilani,” she said. “Listen to me. I know this is a hokey line and I know you aren’t going to want to believe me. I remember feeling how we felt on this day, and I know how scary this was for you. But please, listen to me.”

No answer from herself.

“Ok, here we go. Here’s the line. Straight out of a movie. I’m you from the future, and you have to do what I tell you to do. Everything depends on it.”

Joel was moving her braided hair from one of her shoulders to the other. If she didn’t hurry, it would all be over, and everything would happen exactly as it had already happened.

“Leilani, please, I know your instinct is to hold still here, to keep yourself small and hope he goes away, but we tried that. He just keeps coming back and back again. You have to say something to him. You have to tell him to stop. You have to move or knock his hands away. Something.”

Still, Leilani sensed no response from herself. He was about to leave. She was going to fail. She tried to seize control of her body, tried to do what Eventine had already done once to her, take control and make this body do something to fight him, but that was in the future, wasn’t it? This Leilani had not experienced that. Leilani remembered then, what had happened after. Joel had put those electrodes on her head… but she hadn’t had to live through it because Eventine had taken her to the meadow. She had memories of it, but they were hazy and far away, because they’d only happened to her body, not to a complete her.

Leilani opened up her senses, grabbing for the controls to her own body, but it was too late, Joel was already moving away. She only succeeded in almost spilling them off the bed. She had to say something to him, but he was almost to the door and she couldn’t figure out how to say anything with then-Leilani clamping down on her so tightly, terrified.

On the TV, she heard it. Dean was speaking in a low voice. “Garth’s missing, sounds wolfy to me.” “Pretty brazen, even for a werewolf,” Sam agreed.

“He’ll hurt me,” the her from the past said softly. “If I say something to him, he’ll hurt me.”

Leilani nodded quickly. They still had a second or two… “He might hurt you, but you have to tell him no anyway. There are worse things than being hurt.”

Leilani-then didn’t do anything. Joel had his hand on the door. Something frightened him, he backed up for a second, running into the wall, then he scooted past it, his hand was on the knob…

“Leilani, look!” she screamed at herself. Mentally she tightened her focus until she could see herself staring at herself, grabbing herself so the two Leilanis stared eye to eye. Then she pushed everything at herself. All that had happened. Everything she’d learned, every mistake and all the results of those mistakes and missteps and oh, if we could just get in front of it here, Leilani, maybe things could be different. We have a chance…

Leilani, the past Leilani, said something out loud, and Leilani could feel she meant it, however it had to happen, it would happen. “Joel, if you ever touch me again, I’ll hurt you.”

Joel stopped and turned around. He advanced on her, his face set in an ugly grimace.

The hands of the clock in Leilani’s mind spun of their own accord, both landing straight up. 12:00. Home. She moved.

Leilani was terrified for herself, the her being left alone, practically defenseless, and still, she could not have been prouder of herself.

Now to see what her future held.

***

In the meadow, the catamount watched Jaggar carefully, knowing before he knew, what his next move would be. He didn’t disappoint. He broke from his animals, sending them clear instructions to stay out of it, and he came for her, his big arms out, intending to grab her around the neck, wrestle her to the ground. She let him get a hand on her, and then she licked his face one time. Such a good male. Such a worthy male and a strong predator. She could give him nothing but unwavering acceptance, and an instant trip back to his body.

He winked out of the meadow so quickly, it was like he’d never been there. His animals went, too. She hadn’t had time to say good-bye, but she’d be seeing one of them again soon.

The catamount snarled, making all of Leilani’s colors fall away from the trees and the grass and the flowers. Now the meadow was only gray.

The meadow closed to Leilani.