22 – All Her Fault

The clock hands spun madly in Leilani’s mind. She grabbed at them with two imaginary hands, pinning it down, stopping it… where? She released the tension on her fingers slightly, testing it. It wasn’t trying to move anymore. She let up. 9:45. The past- 9:45 had to mean the past, because every time they’d traveled to see Jaggar’s past, that’s what the clock had ended up on.

Slowly, she gathered her senses and her wits about her and tried to tune back in to her body. She was standing and Jaggar was next to her. She had a death grip on Jaggar’s elbow with both of her hands. He moved in front of her and pulled her farther into his chest with his spare arm, like he was shielding her from the world. She liked the feeling of comfort it gave her, and she took a moment to savor it. Because she knew that it would be over soon. If they had traveled back in time to her past, well, she did not remember much that was concrete about her childhood, but she knew one thing. Her mother was a monster who had committed her only child to a mental hospital for life. Leilani would never forgive her.

Leilani squeezed her eyes shut against the silver light behind her eyes, swimming, swimming, swimming. She clutched Jaggar harder, knowing she was acting completely helpless, and hating herself for it, but unable to stop it. Her senses told her they were in a house, standing on carpet. A doorbell rang.

“What do you see?” she asked Jaggar, pulling at his sleeve, trying to stay calm.

“We’re in a big house,” he whispered to her. “There’s no one here. I see a kitchen, some house plants, a floral couch covered in plastic. There’s a staircase up-”

He was interrupted by a woman’s voice calling down the stairs. “I’m coming!”

Leilani sucked in a breath. “My mother,” she said. She pulled at Jaggar. “My mom, she’s not… She never loved me. Our relationship was… complicated.” Oh God, not her mother. Leilani didn’t think she could handle seeing her mother in her past, and having Jaggar see her, too.

“Here she comes,” Jaggar said. “She looks ready for work. She’s dressed in a business suit. Wide shoulders, flats. Her hair is down. It’s long and dark and glossy. You look like her, Lele.”

Leilani shook her head. She didn’t want to look like her. Didn’t want to be like her or think like her or act like her. She would never, ever put her child away in an institution like her mother had done to her, no matter what.

She heard the sound of a door opening. She knew what house this was, knew where the door was. She blinked her eyes, wanting to see something, anything, but there was only silver. Silver and more silver, and that silver clock that wanted her to look at it. She stayed focused on Jaggar, instead.

A female voice at the door said, “Ms. Kaina, so nice to meet you.” Leilani startled. Had she really not known that was her last name? Had she really just… not even thought about who she was? She had to admit that was probably true, a side effect of the ‘medications’ she’d been on for so long. She was a mess. What Jaggar would discover about her here… she hated to think of it.

Her memories of herself and her childhood were dim and muddled. The time she’d spent in the Roosevelt, full of so many drugs she mostly just sat around staring at the TV or out the window, it had robbed her of most everything from her life, especially her sense of who she was. “My mom’s first name is Maile,” she whispered to Jaggar, desperate to hear him say something, anything.

“Thank you for coming on such short notice,” Maile said. Leilani’s throat closed as she listened to her mother invite the woman in and sit her on the couch. “The daycare is closed today but I have an important meeting at work, and I lost my keys yesterday, so I have a ton of errands to run before my day starts.”

Leilani clutched at Jaggar, forgetting for a moment she was the one with the power. “Oh no,” she whispered at him. “I know… I think I remember what happens here.”

“You lost your keys? How awful,” the woman said.

“Down a drainage ditch, if you can believe that.”

Leilani heard the quick, light run of the very young from upstairs. “Mommy, mommy,” she heard her own voice call. “I got them back for you.”

Leilani groaned and hid her face in Jaggar’s arm. She remembered this very clearly now. It was something she hadn’t thought about for years. Her younger self’s feet pounded down the stairs.

“Is that you?” Jaggar said, his voice telling her clearly that he was loving seeing her as a child. “You’re adorable. You’re running down the stairs, you’ve got this cute jumper on. You look like you are four or five years old. There’s a cat with you, it’s running behind you down the stairs. It’s white with blue eyes.”

Tink. Leilani pressed her face against his arm, panic settling around her gut at what was about to happen. She’d been four. She squeezed Jaggar harder, like she could stop him from leaving her.

Leilani heard keys jingle. “See, Mommy, I got them for you.”

Leilani’s mother gasped. The keys fell to the floor. “Leilani, I told you never, ever, to do that again.”

“What is she doing?” Jaggar said, and his voice had tightened. “She knocked the keys out of your hand. Now she’s got you by the upper arms. She looks like she’s about to shake you.”

Leilani groaned. The clock in her mind swelled and surged into her vision like it knew just what she needed.

Before they flipped out of there for good, she heard her mother say to the babysitter. “You’d better go. My daughter is very sick, and I have to take her to the doctor.”

***

The hands on the clock were harder to stop this time. She had to press down hard, mentally, to even slow them. Leilani’s mind was rebelling against itself. Her eyes hurt, her head hurt, and she didn’t know where to go or how to get there.

“Home,” she whispered. “Home, Trevor and Ella’s place. That’s where I want to go.” She cranked down on the clock hands in her mind, willing to hurt herself if that’s what it took. Again, when they finally stopped under her hands, both hands were pointed to the left. 9:45.

They arrived somewhere, and she almost knew where just by the feel of it…

Jaggar had ahold of her tightly, her arm folded into the crook of his elbow, his other hand folded on top of it. He pulled her closer and rearranged them so his arm was around her, almost draping his presence over her.

“We’re still in the past,” he said, and his voice was dark. “We’re in a different house. A small room. The paint is peeling on the walls and the ceiling is stained and the carpet is worn. I can see you, Lele. Now you’re older. Maybe eleven or twelve? You’re on the couch. You’re staring out the window…”

He didn’t say anymore and Leilani’s mind unfurled with all the possibilities. Twelve was when she’d been put in the Roosevelt, but she barely remembered it. Her mom had already had her on medications for years. He’d said she was looking out the window, but was that it? Was her hair dirty? Her clothes? Was she drooling, maybe? Was she itching? Or fidgeting constantly? The drugs had made her itch and twitch, like her nervous system was on fire all the time. She didn’t want him to see her like that. Out of all the people in the world, this was the man she least wanted to see her like that.

She pulled at him, wanting him to look away from her younger self until she could get them out of there. But the doorbell rang.

“Your mom just came in from another room. She’s dressed in jeans and a plain cotton sweater. Her hair is pulled back. She looks… harried and sad.” Jaggar’s voice dropped an octave. He was almost whispering.

Leilani heard the door open. Jaggar growled and lunged forward. Leilani caught him just in time with a word. “Jaggar, no. Stay with me, please, I need you.”

The growling idled, lowering, then stopping as he spoke to her, his voice almost frantic. “I’m sorry. It’s… do you know who Grey is?”

“Grey?” She almost did. Her mind felt hot and too big for her head. She hated all of this, wanted to be somewhere cool and quiet, where nothing was happening, where no one was doing anything to her, where no one was even talking to her. She wanted to be anywhere, or anywhen but where and when she was. Silver flooded her vision, flaring, making her hope they would leave. The clock hands weren’t moving yet. She imagined them straight up, 12:00, home, but Jaggar’s next words stopped her cold.

“He’s a wolfen. He’s part of all of this, fighting on the side of Khain for some reason. It’s complicated and makes no sense, but we think he’s in love with Rhen and it has driven him out of his mind.” He didn’t speak for a moment, and his next word was a whisper. “Truly moonstruck.”

“Thank you for coming,” Maile said.

“Of course,” Grey said. His voice was tight and conciliatory, like he needed Maile to like him.

Jaggar growled, his hold on her tightening. “If I could kill him right now, I would,” Jaggar said. “Killing him would stop all of what he did later.”

“No!” Leilani held him tighter. “Please…”

Jaggar squeezed her. “I’m here, Lele, I’m not going anywhere.” He pulled at her. “Your mom and Grey are going in the other room, come on.” Leilani didn’t want to go, but she let Jaggar usher her into the next room. The dining room. “They are sitting at a table,” Jaggar said.

Her mom was speaking. “You saw her. I’m worried because I have to tell her that her cat died. It got run over by a car yesterday. I had to clean it up with a shovel.”

“Can she hear us?” Grey asked.

“No, she just got her medication. She’ll be… out of it for a few hours.” Leilani heard her mom clear her throat a few times and tap on the table. What her mom always did when she was upset. Her mom spoke, her voice tight. “What exactly did her father do?”

Grey spoke. “He’s a con man. He’s wanted for fraud in five states.” Leilani swallowed hard. Her mother hadn’t known that her father had been an angel? They’d never talked about it. Her mother had refused to talk about him.

Grey didn’t speak for a few moments, and neither did her mother. Leilani didn’t need to see Jaggar to know his mood was murderous.

Grey spoke slowly, drawing out his words. “This may be a delicate subject, but did her father leave anything for her?”

“What? No. He just waltzed in and waltzed out.” Maile’s voice was bitter.

“Yes, I know the type. You aren’t the first woman to have fallen for his act. Are you certain he didn’t leave her anything? Something that looks like this, maybe?” Leilani heard the sound of paper being slid across the table.

Jaggar growled again, low and deep in his throat like he couldn’t help it or didn’t know he was doing it. He shook with anger, and when he spoke, his voice was as tight as she’d ever heard it. “He’s got a picture of a pendant.”

“A pendant,” Leilani repeated softly. She almost knew what he meant by that, could almost grasp what he was saying. A pendant. Eventine had known about the pendants. She’d been fascinated by them and terrified of them.

“It’s a piece of jewelry. Your sisters have them. Yours would have an angel on one side and a…” He stopped speaking for a moment and Leilani knew what he was going to say. A wolf on the other. She could almost see it in her head, a huge wolf with a large head and the claws of a bear. But then he surprised her. “I don’t know what would be on the other side. The beast, I guess.” His voice was sour.

His tone changed. “Your mom’s not answering,” Jaggar said. “She looks like she’s about to order him out of the house.”

But before she could, reality rippled, Leilani’s senses telling her something was going on in the house. Something big. A cat meowed from the other room.

She remembered. Suddenly, she remembered it all, everything she’d done. She’d time traveled many times, even though her mother hated it and tried to hide her away from the world because of it. She’d done it when she was young because she didn’t know any better, and because it had been easy, as simple as brushing her teeth or pulling on her socks. She’d done it when she was older because she’d had a need… Her mom hadn’t been wrong for putting her in that place, Leilani had been wrong for… for doing the things she had done. It had been her fault. All of it had been her fault. Shame burned her cheeks.

“Oh no,” she breathed.

“What happened?” Jaggar said, “What was that?” Before she could answer he said, “Your mom is staring into the other room. Her face is white. I think she’s going to puke.”

“I time traveled,” Leilani whispered back to him, her shame building.

“We’re still right here.”

“Not me now. Me then.”

“You then…” Jaggar said simply, but she could hear by the tightness in his voice that he understood exactly what she had done.