Chapter Thirty-Four
FIREWORKS LIT up the navy sky in flashes of red and yellow, getting cheers and exclamations from the assembled people. A lot of families had brought their children to see the lavish display and there were other students too, perhaps a couple of hundred people in the field. For once Fal didn’t find it oppressive or assume that they all hated him.
This was worth braving the freezing autumn night for. Fal was having fun, despite the fact that his feet were almost numb with cold even in woollen socks. He stuffed his bare hands into the pockets of a winter coat that was slightly too small for him, uncomfortably tight across the shoulders and short at the sleeves. The sky dimmed while more fireworks were lit and he glanced round. Barve had gone to join a queue to buy chips and Elliot was still looking upwards at the stars a few feet away, a smile hovering over his lips even while his expression said that he was thinking profound thoughts. A surge of affection for him took Fal by surprise.
He caught a movement in the corner of his eye and saw that Callie was walking over to him, nearly invisible under layers of scarves, mittens and a knee-length woollen coat with the hood pulled over her hair. He headed towards her, glad to get his feet moving before they froze completely. They came to a halt beside each other and smiled in greeting, a Nean and a Sapiens who were friends. She would never know the future he wanted to achieve; he could never tell her about Dervyl and the rest of the Izient race. It didn’t seem right when she had always been friendly and straightforward with him and Barve.
“So tell me,” she said to him, pushing her hood down, “are you and Lila dating? Elliot said that you went to a concert together.”
“Nah,” he said. “She’s seeing someone else and, anyway, I don’t think of her that way. She’s a good friend, though.”
“So if you and Elliot like each other, why don’t you get together?”
“Elliot?” He stared at her. She thought Elliot wanted to go out with him? Longing rippled through him, warm and bright, at the possibility but the truth snuffed it out. “No, we... Barve likes Elliot...”
“He does?” She frowned, clearly surprised by this.
“I could never hurt Barve like that and, anyway, you’re totally wrong. There’s nothing like that between us.”
He walked off before she could see that he was lying. He hadn’t wanted to admit to himself how he felt about Elliot, as he didn’t have any right to think of him in that way. Barve had always liked Elliot. Was it possible Elliot actually did feel something for him and had only turned Barve down to be with Fal?
He began walking back to the halls of residence, hurrying, needing to get as far away from Elliot as possible; needing to outrun the tiny, ugly voice in his head that said it wasn’t his fault if Elliot liked him better, that Fal could be happier than he had ever been before if he just asked for what he wanted. If he betrayed his brother.
* * *
Fal lay on his bed in the darkness, trying to push down the sense of panic that was rising in him. How had Callie known that he had feelings for Elliot? If he stayed out of the way then perhaps Barve and Elliot could still get together. His brother deserved that. And Fal wouldn’t ruin his relationship with Barve, not even for Elliot.
He heard voices approaching and recognised Elliot’s at once, closing his eyes to listen, even though he couldn’t make out what was being said, drinking in the confident, melodic tone. Could Elliot actually care about him? He couldn’t let himself consider it, as desperately as he wanted to. There was no guarantee that Callie was right anyway: she hadn’t known about Barve’s feelings.
The knock on his door made his heart race. He took a deep breath and got up to answer it, opening the door to the sight of Elliot’s smiling face. Fal wanted to kiss him so much it hurt.
“We’re going to make cheese-on-toast and hot chocolate,” Elliot said. “Come and join us.”
“Yes,” Barve added from behind him, with a desperate look in his eyes. He had just been rejected by Elliot and obviously wanted his brother’s moral support. Guilt gnawed at Fal. He had known from the beginning how Barve felt about Elliot and should have left them alone together, instead of messing everything up.
He could at least help his brother now. “Okay.”
The boys went ahead and Callie stopped him with a hand on his chest. “I’m really sorry I upset you,” she said in a whisper, so the others wouldn’t hear. “I should have minded my own business. I had no idea Barve liked Elliot.”
“Just don’t say anything to anyone else.”
“I won’t. I promise.”
He nodded and they followed the others to the kitchen where already a saucepan of milk was on the stove and Barve was getting out bread.
“What temperature should I set the grill to?” Elliot asked Barve.
Fal watched the two of them, side by side, with a heavy sensation in the pit of his stomach. They got along well, never argued or insulted each other. They were a good match. Elliot just needed to have a chance to see that without Fal getting in the way.