Chapter Thirty-Nine
IT HAD taken everything in Fal to hurt Elliot instead of saying that he loved him two days ago, but he’d pictured Barve’s face and what this would do to him, and sent Elliot away. Now that everything was sorted out with Nolan, Fal had no idea what relationship, if any, he would have left with Elliot. That thought made it difficult to breathe, constricting his throat like one of his embarrassing panic attacks.
Not even knowing why he was doing it, he ripped a sheet of paper from a pad and used masking tape to fix it to the board on his easel. He set up his paints and a jar of water and tried to focus on the painting to take his mind off Elliot, only seeing much later that the slowly emerging face he was bringing to life on the canvas was the one he needed to forget.
He stared at the image: Elliot on Fireworks Night, face full of awe and secret thoughts. Fal hadn’t known it was possible to have so many overwhelming emotions for one person. How had this happened? He and Barve had always been so close but he doubted that even his gentle-hearted brother could ever forgive a betrayal this great.
Someone knocked on his door and then, not waiting, pushed it open. Only one person would do that. Farlden reached for the painting but it was already too late: Barve caught sight of it and the frown on his face slowly faded into understanding. He turned wide eyes upon his brother.
“Nothing has happened,” Fal said, feeling as if his every emotion was exposed on the canvas beside him. “I never wanted to feel like this. I’m sorry.”
“You love Elliot too.”
“I didn’t mean to.”
“He feels the same way about you?” Barve folded his arms, hugging himself in the way he had since he was a child when he was scared or upset.
“Yes.”
“This entire time you’ve known how I felt...”
“... That’s why I tried to deny it,” he interrupted, trying to explain but tripping over his own jagged mess of emotions. “You’re my brother. I’d sooner kill myself than hurt you.”
“You should have told me.” That wasn’t Barve’s voice. He had never in his life spoken to someone so coldly, words acting like a spell that chilled Fal right through to his heart.
Then Barve was gone.
* * *
Lila was on her way into the halls to find her friends and distract her mind from going round and round, thinking about how Greg had lied and deceived her.
She opened the front door and a male body crashed into hers, knocking the breath from her. Hands grabbed her to stop her falling over.
“Lila! I’m sorry. I didn’t see you.”
“Barve?” His arms were still round her waist and, despite the fact he was no taller than her, he was strong and... looked on the verge of tears. “What’s wrong?”
“Fal’s in love with Elliot.”
She nodded. “I guessed that weeks ago.”
“Did you guess that I love Elliot too?”
“No.” That explained his kicked puppy expression. “That sucks.”
“I think Elliot loves Fal back.” She stayed silent but, as he looked at her, his features drooped even further. “You knew?”
She pulled a face. “If I’d known how you felt I would’ve spoken to you about it. The way they fought it was obvious they both had strong emotions for each other.”
“Not to me.”
Another student – a girl in a purple coat – tried to get past them and they moved out of the way, Barve letting go of her. She gestured towards the path. “Want to go for a walk?”
It was cold and dark but she couldn’t leave him alone in this state. “Okay.”
“How long were you and your boyfriend together?”
“Nearly two years. He was the one who was determined we could survive the distance when my family moved here from London last year, then just a few weeks after I came here, he slept with some other girl he’d met at college.”
“What did you like about him?”
She tried to remember, pushing back further than the screaming match on Saturday that had ended things between them. “He’s handsome, funny, a bit weird like me. He loves graphic novels and used to go to Doctor Who conventions.”
“That’s not strange. I didn’t even know that Sapiens boys would freak out if I wore a dress until I did it.”
She smiled. “You should do whatever feels right to you.”
“But I didn’t know. Nean men wouldn’t have given me a second glance as it’s no different than a girl wearing trousers. I don’t understand a culture that sees being feminine as a bad thing. Do you think that’s one of the things Elliot doesn’t like about me?”
The question brought tears to her eyes and she hastily blinked them away as she put an arm round him, their footsteps synchronising. “I’m certain that there’s nothing Elliot doesn’t like about you. He adores you. He’s just not in love with you and that’s something that can’t be controlled. Fal didn’t mean to hurt you and neither did Elliot.”
“I know. It just...”
When he drifted off she completed the sentence: “...Hurts. I know.”
“I’m glad you’re here.”
“Me too.” A big emotional mess like this was the last thing she wanted when she came here but, somehow, after sharing such an honest conversation with Barve, she felt better than she had since the break-up.