Cait
Sunday evening was time for my New Age course with Debs. Usually there were only three or four of us and we’d done all sorts of weird and whacky stuff over the year – dowsing, card readings, crystals. Matt called it my witchcraft course, Lorna pronounced it baloney, but they didn’t put me off because the sessions felt like going back to kindergarten and always cheered me up, and I needed that after seeing Dad. I always came away from him feeling sad that I couldn’t do more to make his last chapters happier ones.
‘Excellent timing,’ said Debs when she opened her door. ‘I was just doing a Tarot reading. I could do yours as well. See what’s in store for our future.’ She was dressed in one of her fabulous long kaftans, this time a deep red one that gave her the look of a fortune-teller. In my jeans and beige top, I felt drab in comparison.
‘Anyone else coming?’ I asked as I followed her through to her sitting room.
‘No. Just me and thee tonight so it’s good to have company.’
‘So what shall we do this evening?’
‘As it’s just us, if you don’t mind, I’d like to do stage two in my post-Fabio “I’m Moving On” phase. A card reading, some visualization and maybe some Gestalt and of course, anything you’d like to work on.’
‘Lead the way,’ I said as I took a seat on one of the Chesterfields by the fireplace and watched as Debs shuffled the Tarot cards.
‘Help yourself to wine,’ she said as she indicated the bottle of Chablis in an ice bucket and two glasses on the coffee table. ‘This layout is the Celtic cross,’ she explained as she carefully placed cards on the table. ‘First we look at the card in the position that represents what’s passing out of my life. Ah. Not surprising – the Six of Swords.’ The card showed a sorrowing woman being ferried across the water. ‘A time of tension but she is moving away from it. Row row row the boat, gently down the stream, Fabio you stinking slime-ball, you are but a dream.’ She surveyed the rest of the layout. ‘The other cards reflect the same, a time of difficulty but change is coming. Hurrah.’
‘Hope it’s a good one,’ I said.
‘What’s this though?’ She held up a card. ‘The Seven of Swords is in the place representing what’s coming up next. A man looking guiltily over his shoulder. See? Hmm.’ She checked her reference book. ‘This card can suggest an act of dishonour. Or flight from a dishonourable act. Surely that would be Fabio, he was the cheater – so why’s it in my future? Not me surely? I don’t do dishonourable. Maybe it’s to do with tax but I’m not asking about that. I’m asking about love. Judgement is in the place for the future. The last card shows the outcome of the reading is Death.’
‘Oh no.’
‘Don’t worry. It isn’t a bad card. It means the end of something and beginning of a new chapter. A rebirth and transformation rather than a final end, but I’m not sure about the man and judgement. Hey-ho. A mystery. I guess that’s what life’s about. All in all, not a bad reading, apart from the dishonourable bit. Right, let’s do yours. Put all the cards back together, then shuffle them while concentrating hard on what you want to know about.’
‘Just one thing?’
‘Yes. Try and focus on one, but the readings can sometimes pick up on other stuff as well.’
‘OK.’ I shuffled the cards and tried to focus just on my work prospects, but my mind was full of questions – Matt, marriage, Dad, my kids and Tom Lewis.
‘Good,’ said Debs when I indicated I’d finished, ‘now split the pile into three smaller piles to your left and place them on the coffee table. Good. Then put them into one pile again. Good.’
When I’d done what she asked, she picked up the cards and, taking them from the top, she laid them in a cross shape, similar to the one she had done earlier.
‘Woah,’ she said, ‘lot of major stuff going on. The card representing your present says what we already know – a time of turbulence and change, but I see a man in your future.’ She picked up a card that said ‘The Lovers’ on it. ‘Something you want to tell me about, Cait?’
I felt myself blush and hoped that Debs didn’t notice. ‘That has to be Matt right?’
Debs shook her head. ‘Not necessarily. From where it’s placed, it’s in your future not your past, and it denotes that some kind of choice may have to be made.’
‘Really? Something about one of my boys maybe?’
‘I don’t think so. And you also have a king card, so it’s an older man, not a young one. The King of Pentacles.’ She continued to study the layout. ‘Actually, you have two kings, the King of Wands too.’
‘Maybe Matt and I are going into a new phase? A more loving phase?’
‘From the layout, the cards can also mean you need to get in touch with your feelings,’ said Debs. She was studying me carefully. It made me feel uncomfortable.
‘Stop doing Witch Woman staring at me,’ I said. ‘Yoda does that. Freaks me right out. So, what does it say about these lovers? Good or bad?’
Debs looked back at the card. ‘You’ve got the Judgement card too. It’s a good card to get as it signifies that things that have lain fallow will come to light, a time of new beginning. You also have the Moon card. It indicates that you may have to make a choice. It signifies uncertainty. Are you quite sure there’s something you’re not telling me?’
‘Course not.’ Liar, liar, said a voice in my head.
‘You got the Temperance card too: that means you may have to make some compromise in marriage.’
‘Well, that makes sense, and what marriage doesn’t involve compromise? What’s the outcome?’
Debs picked up the last card. ‘The Tower. Wow. You have a lot of the major cards in your reading.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘A lot’s going on in your life.’
I picked up the card. It showed someone falling out of a high building. ‘I don’t like the look of this.’
‘Don’t worry,’ said Debs. ‘Like the Death card, it’s not necessarily bad. It just means that old structures need to be broken down and left behind before new ones can emerge.’
‘Looks violent to me.’
‘Just change. You know the old saying – what you resist, persists. If you embrace change and aren’t rigid, it needn’t be painful.’
‘Both Matt and I losing our jobs, it could be about that. It’s a time of change. Is it looking good?’
‘Yes, sure,’ said Debs. I noticed she tucked a card away.
‘What was that? You’re hiding a card.’
Debs pulled it back out. It was the Hanged Man.
‘Oh god,’ I said. ‘This is getting worse and worse. Burning towers, hanged men—’
‘No, no, not at all. It’s where they’re placed that counts.’
‘And?’
‘All will be well, Cait,’ said Debs. She wasn’t convincing.
‘Have you got an I Ching, Debs?’ I asked.
‘Course.’
‘Get it out. I might have to throw it for clarification. We need a second opinion.’
‘Quite right.’ Debs laughed. ‘My kind of gal.’
She went to her bookshelves and pulled out a copy of the I Ching.
‘Can you remember how to do it?’ I asked.
Debs nodded. ‘We need three coins.’
I reached into my bag, pulled out my purse and handed her six twenty-piece coins.
‘Three for you, three for me.’
‘Good,’ said Debs. ‘Hold them, ask your question again, then shake them and I’ll do the same.’
I did as I was told and this time I thought about Matt and Tom.
‘What are you asking, Debs?’
‘It’s supposed to be a secret but I’m asking, will I ever meet a decent man? My soul mate?’
‘OK. You go first then. Throw.’
She threw her coins, looked up the sequence and got number 29/The Abysmal. She flicked to the page in the I Ching. ‘The book says, “If you are sincere, you have success in your heart and whatever you do succeeds.” Hurrah. Now then, how many lines do I have? Six. Oo, no. That says “Means bounds with cords and ropes. Shut in between thorn-hedged prison walls.” Uh? “For three years one does not find the way. Misfortune.” Well, bollocks to that. I probably wasn’t concentrating or it picked up on all that anger I let out when I was packing up Fabio’s stuff. I’ll throw the coins again in the morning and maybe again after that and see what the book tells me then. Best out of three, I always say. Now you go.’
I threw my coins and Debs looked up the sequence of lines.
‘Oh dear,’ she said when she consulted the book.
‘What? What? Is it bad?’
‘Separation. Secrets. Change. Cait, are you really really sure that there’s not something you want to tell me?’
‘Nope.’ I wished we hadn’t started on the fortune-telling. It was getting too close to the bone.
‘How’s Matt?’
‘Same ole.’
Debs took a slug of her wine. ‘OK. I’ve been thinking about you and I’m going to say something. Don’t take this the wrong way, but with all that’s happened to you both lately, have you thought of marriage counselling?’
‘Not really. Matt would never agree to it.’
‘We have some great therapists at the spa.’
‘At the spa? No, really, things aren’t that bad.’ What a good idea, I thought. It could be just what we needed, but not at Debs’s place. It was too near to home and I knew how she gossiped about some of her clients. I’d find my own. I made a mental note to check out local therapists when I got home.
*
Matt was engrossed in a movie in the sitting room when I got back, so I went up to my study to search for marriage-guidance counsellors.
I turned the computer on and had a quick look at Facebook first. There was a private message. Tom Lewis. Gulp. He’d replied. Cue violins, doves, rose petals, heart palpitations, etc.
‘Caitlin, it is you! A blast from the past hey? I’d love to see you, catch up. I see you live in Bath. I’m presently in London. Are you ever up this way? Or I could come to Bath. Let’s do a lunch. You might not recognize me, I’ll be the old codger wearing a red carnation. I’d know you anywhere. Have posted you a song, you might recognize it. Big hug Tom X.’
I went back to my main page and scrolled down past the most recent posts. Oh lord. There it was. Unbelievable. ‘Guinnevere’ by Crosby, Stills & Nash. Our song. He hadn’t forgotten. I felt all a-flutter, like a teenager. Where are my smelling salts? I’ve come over all faint. I realized the track was on my page, for everyone to see. Oh no. For Lorna to see, for Debs to see. For all my Facebook friends to see. When had it been left? Three thirty p.m. When I was out at Dad’s. Should I delete the track? Yes. No. If I did, Tom might see that it had gone and wonder what the big deal was. It was only a music clip, wasn’t it? A sweet gesture to say he remembered our time together. No one else would know what it meant to me. I’d leave it. It was innocent. A piece of music from an old friend in my past. So why was I feeling as if I was sixteen and a boy I liked had just noticed me. Grow up, I told myself.
I was about to close Facebook when I saw that someone had posted a questionnaire to discover if one is a good Catholic. I’m not Catholic but can’t resist an online quiz. I got 100 per cent of the questions right. According to these tests, I am also a mathematical genius and, with my IQ, could be a brain surgeon.
‘Cait, the Antiques Roadshow is on,’ Matt called up the stairs.
‘OK, coming.’ Such is the glamour of my life now, Tom, I thought. You might have thought I was one of the cool ones once, but these days, the highlight of my week is the Antiques Roadshow, a Facebook quiz and a cup of cocoa. I am the last of the great ravers.
‘And I forgot to tell you Lorna called when you were out this afternoon,’ Matt added.
I bet she did, I thought as I felt a sinking feeling inside. She’d probably seen Tom’s post. Had Debs seen it by now too? No doubt she’d be in touch soon as well.
I put the phone onto message and went down to watch my programme.