Dancing Over the Hill by Cathy Hopkins (22)

Cait

Seduction tip for the day. Get in the shower with your partner.

I took a shower but Matt was still asleep, despite me having taken him a cup of tea and poked him several times. Maybe I should have bought a monster vibrator. I could have used it as a novelty alarm clock.

Matt was at the island in our kitchen having breakfast, in his dressing gown.

‘Did you want something?’ he asked.

‘No. Why?’

‘You’re hovering with that look on your face.’

‘What look?’

‘Like you’re waiting for me to do something.’

‘No. No, not at all. Um, are you going to take a shower?’

Matt sniffed his armpits. ‘Probably. Why? Do I need to?’

He was on the defensive. Not a good start but, five minutes later, he went up to the bathroom. I followed him up and waited outside the door. Once I heard the water turned on, I went in. I could see him soaping himself behind the shower screen. My plan had been to slip in beside him and join in the soaping, but I remembered that one of the sites on seduction had also advised being unpredictable and devil-may-care. This was the perfect opportunity, plus the imagery from that famous scene in movie history had given me an idea. I picked up the electric toothbrush and began slashing the shower curtain while making a rhythmic screaming sound.

Matt yelped and leapt back. ‘What the hell? Cait! What are you doing?’

‘Norman Bates in Psycho.’

‘I got the reference but why?’ He held his hand to his chest and took a deep breath. ‘You almost gave me a heart attack.’

‘Sorry. Sorry.’

‘Hand me a towel. Christ.’

‘Sorry. Thought it might be funny,’ I said as I sloped out of the bathroom.

Clearly acting like a psychopath didn’t qualify as risqué or fun. Fair point.

*

Seduction tip number 4 from the sexforbeginners website. Drape your body over him while he’s watching TV.

Matt had taken a coffee into the sitting room to watch the midday news, so I went in to join him. He was stretched out on the sofa so I sat at the other end, then slowly slid down and began to edge up until my back was lined up with his torso.

‘Cait, if you want the sofa, just say so,’ he said as he peered over me in an attempt to see the TV screen. ‘You don’t need to muscle your way in.’

He clearly wasn’t getting the message, so I pushed myself back against him in the hope that he’d pick up the signals. He didn’t. He saw it as a challenge to determine who got the sofa. He shoved me forward, which took me by surprise, and I rolled off and landed with a thud on the rug in front of the coffee table.

‘Oh. Sorry, Cait. I didn’t mean to—’

I sat up and was about to turn and be cross but he was laughing. ‘Sorry, sorry. What were you trying to do?’

‘Snuggle. It’s ages since we did.’

He moved back on the sofa to make room for me. ‘Come on then. Sorry. Didn’t mean to laugh.’

Too late, I said and got up, put my nose in the air and left the room. Whoever wrote the seduction techniques ought to add one – do not attempt to distract partner if he is watching the lunchtime news.

*

Seduction tip number 11 from the sexforthesexless website. Whisper something dirty in his ear. This can be very arousing.

Yes but when? I asked myself. Why aren’t these sites specific? When he’s brushing his teeth? Having a cup of tea? Plus, I couldn’t think of what to whisper – Don’t forget it’s rubbish collection day tomorrow? I’m going to be doing a white wash later? Put your dirty T-shirts in the basket? No, not that kind of dirt. Even I know that. It has to be more – hello, big boy, I want to fondle your hunky, hairy body. No. If I came out with something like that, Matt would laugh his head off.

Clearly I need to go to my laptop and google ‘how to talk dirty for beginners’. So. Back to the site for suggestions. Oh. Right. There are loads of sites, even on how to talk dirty in Spanish. Hola.

I began to read the suggestions and made notes as I scrolled down:

• I am not wearing any underwear. Hmm. If I whispered that, Matt would think it was the onset of dementia and I’d forgot to put any on.
• I woke up wet this morning. Matt would think we had a leak in the ceiling.
• You’re such a sex machine. Cue hysterical laughter from Matt.
• Ride me like a cowboy. Uh?
• Fuck me like I’m a farm animal. What? Which farm animal? Chicken? Pig? Cow? Horse? Sheep? Or should one go exotic and think alpaca?
• Deeper, deeper, bang me hard you bad, bad boy.

Cripes almighty, I can’t come out with any of that. Ride me like a cowboy? It’s just not my style. In fact, just reading the examples made me want to laugh. I decided to opt for some of the tamer lines and I went down to find Matt. He was on the sofa in his den, looking at his laptop so I sat down and slid towards him. This time, he didn’t attempt to push me off but he did look wary.

‘I’m not wearing any underwear,’ I said huskily.

He pointed at the ceiling. ‘I did a wash yesterday. I put all the clean stuff upstairs in the drawers in our bedroom.’

I knew it. Knew he wouldn’t get what I was trying to do. Maybe I need to lower my voice, be more husky.

‘No, I mean … I woke up so hot this morning.’

This got his attention.

‘Really. Hot flush? But surely you went through the menopause years ago, Cait? Maybe you should see a doctor – night sweats might be a symptom of something serious. Or maybe it’s a cold coming on, you do sound a bit throaty.’

One last try – what was it? Ride me like a farm animal, or was it a cowboy? OK. Here goes. ‘I want you to ride me like a horse.’

Matt burst out laughing. ‘What?’

‘Farm animal. Cowboy. I’m talking … Actually, you know what? Never mind.’

Matt’s expression went from amusement to confusion. ‘What? Have I upset you again? Oh god, what have I done now?’

‘Nothing. It’s me. Just …’

I am a failure at dirty talking, just as I was at phone sex. I shall look to see if they do classes in it at the adult further education college. Under languages – French, Spanish, Filth.

Texted Lorna and Debs. Did you ever try talking dirty? If so, how?

Lorna texted back. Not really, though loved it when Alistair spoke Italian.

Debs texted back. All the time. I told you, I tried it all – phone sex, Tantric sex, dirty talking. He still left me.

Back to Google, but first I saw an email from Tom:

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Faults. Have been trying to remember what my ex-wives said.

I didn’t reply. I was on a mission so had a look at further tips on the sextipsforthedesperate site.

• Wear nice underwear.
• Create a romantic atmosphere.
• Prepare a meal with food with aphrodisiac properties.

It was only day one in the challenge, and no way was I going to give up after a few disastrous attempts at getting Matt’s attention. I would do something more our style, I’d decided; would go all out and combine several of the seduction tips, as well as take Lorna’s advice and cook a nice meal to go with a good bottle of wine. Simple pleasures.

It had been years since I’d cooked ‘a romantic meal’, and lately we’d taken to eating our supper on our knees while watching the news. We even have those lap-safe trays. Next stop will be a huge fleece onesie and one giant slipper to share.

Matt had gone to check out a gym early evening, so I had time to prepare. Everything would be ready by the time he got back.

List of things to do:

• Bathe in unguents from the Orient.
• Dress in flattering clothes with special attention to underwear.
• Make room look romantic: scented candles.
• Prepare meal with aphrodisiacs.
• Open wine to breathe.

I bathed in perfumed bath oil, then applied body lotion to every part of my body, even the under-soles of my feet, so I am silky smooth – too silky smooth. I slipped on bathroom tiles, hit head, might be concussed.

I went to the chest of drawers to look out some sexy underwear. Oh dear. There must be something in there somewhere, I thought as I rummaged through. But no. Nothing apart from a pile of white cotton knickers.

‘Over my shoulder goes one pair,’ I sang as I threw them out one after the other. There was nothing vaguely lacy or silk. My bras weren’t any better, and I’d got rid of suspender belts and stockings several decades ago. Maybe if I could get Matt in the mood, I could strip off and he wouldn’t have to look at my underwear. Or, better still, I could entertain him by doing the Dance of the Seven Veils with the set of tea towels we got on a day trip to Weymouth last autumn.

I got undressed and surveyed myself in the long mirror. Hmm. The line, ‘Very nice but needs ironing,’ came to mind. Candlelight in the bedroom later would definitely be a good idea – that is if we got that far.

Or, if all went as planned, we could move on to advanced seduction tips and ‘have sex in unusual places’. I wasn’t sure what they meant by unusual – in a wardrobe? Under the coffee table? On top of the spin dryer? Who knew where we’d end up if the mood so took us. We might even end up in the garden shed and do it over the lawn mower.

Now. What to wear for a Friday-night supper that won’t look over the top but will look attractive. I chose my ‘going out for dinner’ outfit, a pale green dress, and applied a little make-up so that it didn’t look as though something was going on, then went downstairs to cook. As I went about the preparations, I felt optimistic that it was going to be a good evening and that things could change for the better. Matt and I had been through many phases in our marriage: good, happy, indifferent, busy, sad, irritated, so there was no reason we couldn’t have yet another phase – one that we determined together.

I’d been to the shops to buy the list of aphrodisiacs and managed to get them all apart from oysters. I laid the ingredients out on the island in the kitchen, ready to start preparing, but first I looked out the decent china, crystal and cutlery. It’s a shame this never gets used, I thought as I pulled it out from the back of the dresser. While I washed and polished, I remembered something Eve had said before she died, and a wave of regret rose and caught in my throat. ‘Promise me that you’ll live every day as if it’s a special occasion – because it is. Every day is to be celebrated. You never know what’s around the next corner and how many more days you’ll have. So wear your best clothes. Burn the candles put away for Christmas. Use your good perfume. Eat off your best china. Drink from the crystal stacked at the back of the cupboard. Use all that stuff you put away, and make every day a special occasion.’ I’d promised her that I would, then life had taken over and I’d completely forgotten. Until now. ‘I will, Eve. I’ll use all my best.’

I lit candles in the dining room and laid the table. The room looked soft and romantic. We had stopped making an effort for each other, I thought, that’s probably been part of the problem. I remembered our early years, before the boys were born. One night I’d lit the ground floor with candles and strewn the floor with flower petals. OK, so I almost sent the place up in flames due to one of the candles being too close to a curtain, and the floor had looked as if it needed a good hoovering, but the thought was there. I used to regularly buy Matt’s favourite wine, cook him a special meal. He’d bring back the occasional bottle of champagne, buy me unexpected gifts – books he knew I wanted or a CD. After supper, we’d sit and talk, and then came the boys and dinner à deux became endless cooking for four, and when they left came takeaways and the box sets …

The list of ingredients that had aphrodisiac properties was an odd one, so it took a while to find a recipe that would work. I finally settled on a spicy Caribbean dish.

I put on a red apron (found at the back of the cupboard – wear red, seduction tip number 1 from sextipsforthedemented site) and set about frying garlic. I was going to cook white fish with chilli peppers, garlic, mushrooms, sesame seeds, celery to be served in a salad with almonds, aniseed, asparagus, avocado, fennel, pine nuts, with a honey mustard and ginger dressing to be followed with a fruit salad of bananas, pineapple, mango, figs with vanilla ice cream and then chocolate and coffee. Plus a bottle of good Malbec, the one I knew Matt liked.

I looked through CDs in our ancient collection, chose a Sting compilation and put that on.

As I heard Matt come through the front door, I sprayed fig-scented room spray into the air.

‘Wow, smells like a brothel in here,’ he said as he came through and looked around. ‘What’s the occasion? Oh shit. No. Is it our anniversary? It’s not, is it?’

‘Relax, Matt. No, it’s not our anniversary. It’s Friday night,’ I said as I poured a glass of wine and handed it to him. ‘We’ve both had a bit of a rough time lately, so I thought I’d make a special dinner to celebrate.’

‘Celebrate what?’

‘We’ve got the spare rooms ready and it’s looking fabulous. We’re ready to take guests.’

Matt nodded. ‘I guess that is an achievement of sorts. Especially after them both looking such a mess for so long.’

‘Exactly.’

Matt looked touched and came over and put his arm around me. ‘What a nice idea, Cait. So, what are you cooking?’

‘New recipe. I thought I’d be adventurous. How was the gym?’

‘Good.’

‘Are you going to join?’

‘I think I will. There are loads of classes on offer, as well as the machines to work out on Hey, you look nice. Do I need to change?’

‘Only if you want to. No need.’

He went over to the CD player and turned the music down. ‘Sorry. Can’t stand Sting, and you really ought to upload your CDs onto your phone or laptop.’

I decided to give the ‘hold eye contact’ seduction tip number 7 one more go. I stared into his eyes meaningfully but, once again, instead of returning my gaze, he looked worried.

‘Oh god, you’re giving me that look again? Sorry. You like Sting and your CDs, don’t you? I’ll put it back on. Or is there something I should have done? Laid the table?’

I stopped looking at him. Clearly my come-hither look needed practice. ‘No. Just relax. Drink your wine.’

‘OK. I’ll just go and freshen up,’ he said.

‘OK, take your wine with you.’

While he was gone, I went to the mirror to examine my ‘hold the gaze’ look. It was a bit intense – more Hannibal Lecter than Mata Hari. I crinkled my eyes. That’s what was needed, to look softer, more smiley, less Silence of the Lambs. ‘Here’s your supper, Matt,’ I said to my reflection in my best creepy voice, ‘a lump of raw liver with baked beans served with a nice Chianti.’ Or was it fava beans? I did the hissing, sucking-in sound, ‘thuh, thuh, thuh’, that Anthony Hopkins did so well in the movie, just as Matt popped his head round the door.

‘Are you OK, Cait?’

‘Oh yes, just had something caught in my teeth.’

Matt gave me a puzzled look. ‘OK. Just going to take a quick shower if I have time.’

‘Go ahead, Officer Starling.’

Matt shook his head and went back upstairs. He returned after fifteen minutes and I saw that he’d made an effort and shaved. ‘Smells great in here, garlic and spices,’ he said. ‘Anything I can do?’

‘Nope, just relax.’ So far, so good, I thought, as I poured him another glass of wine. Here we are, being nice, making an effort for each other.

I served dinner and sat opposite Matt.

‘This is really thoughtful,’ he said as he took a bite.

I tried to eat slowly and seductively (sex tip no 3,007 from sextipsforpeoplewho’velosttheplot site) as I looked directly at him again.

He put his hand up to his mouth. ‘What? Have I got spinach on my teeth?’

‘No.’

‘Are you OK, Cait? Something gone down the wrong way? You look uncomfortable.’

‘No. I’m fine,’ I said in a low husky voice.

He put down his knife and fork and looked directly back at me. At last, he was getting the hang of it. ‘Cait. Is something wrong?’

‘Wrong? No. Why?’

Matt indicated the room. ‘This. It’s very nice and I appreciate the effort, I really do but … is there something you’re not telling me? Is this leading up to something?’

‘Like what?’

‘No idea. You’re ill? Leaving me? Decided to have a gay relationship?’

‘No. Just because I’ve cooked up a nice supper, why would it mean that there’s a problem?’

‘Because you’ve been acting weird all day. You haven’t been yourself at all.’

‘I’m fine. Honestly. Just eat while it’s still hot.’

He glanced at the CD player. ‘Do you really want music on while we eat?’

‘Yes. It helps with the atmosphere, but turn it off if it’s annoying you.’ Of course, I knew Matt didn’t like music when he was eating. He always complained in restaurants and asked waiters to turn it down.

He took another forkful of the meal.

‘What do you think?’ I asked.

‘It’s different,’ he said as his face grew red, his eyes began to water and he began to splutter. ‘Actually … hell, Cait, what have you put in this?’ He downed a glass of water in one.

‘Chilli. To spice things up a bit.’

‘You’ve certainly succeeded at that. It’s … fiery.’

I took another bite myself, and in a few seconds my mouth was on fire too. ‘God. Sorry. Overdone it. Try the salad. Cucumber.’

The salad was edible but a strange combination, and neither Matt nor I ate very much.

Matt smiled. ‘Fancy a takeaway?’

I smiled back at him. ‘Actually I do.’

‘Pizza or Indian?’

‘Pizza. We could share.’

‘Perfect,’ said Matt. ‘Now. Are you going to tell me what’s going on? I’ve been worried about you.’

‘Honestly?’

Matt nodded. ‘I can take it.’

‘OK. Well, I thought I’d try to revive our love life, so I’ve been trying out some seduction techniques.’

‘Seduction techniques?’ He thought for a moment, then I could see he was struggling not to laugh. ‘Is that what you were doing in the shower and snuggling up to me, giving me meaningful looks?’

‘You might laugh, but I’ve realized that actually I haven’t a clue any more. I’ve grown rusty. What turns you on, Matt?’

‘Er … when you’re not being weird? I don’t know. What’s the right answer? Is this one of those – does my bum look big in this type of questions? Can’t win.’

‘You can. Just give me a clue. Or have you completely given up on us?’

Matt moved his chair close to mine, leant over and kissed me. We both leapt back. We had chilli on our lips and it burnt.

‘Woah. Hot.’

Matt burst out laughing again. ‘You don’t need to do anything, Cait. Just be yourself. I know things have been strained of late and I apologize, but no need for special seduction techniques. I love you just the way you are. Always have. Always will.’

I moved over beside him and we kissed again. I stroked down his arm, his torso, then … the doorbell rang.

‘Who the hell could that be at this time of night?’ I asked.

Matt got up. ‘I’ll tell them to go away.’

I followed him out into the hall and peered through the small frosted window at the side of the front door. I could just about make out two shapes. Whoever it was knocked and rang the bell again.

‘Mum, Mum, is that you?’ asked a familiar voice.

‘Jed? Matt, I think it’s Jed,’ I called as Matt opened the door and we saw two very suntanned, dark-haired young men standing in our porch.

Jed came forward to give Matt a bear hug. ‘Surprise,’ he said and, on seeing me, did the same to me.

‘But I thought you were in Thailand?’ I said.

‘I was,’ he turned to acknowledge his friend, ‘we both were, and now we’re here.’

‘Come in, come in,’ said Matt and ushered them inside. ‘But why didn’t you call?’

‘I … that is we … wanted to surprise you.’

I looked over to the man standing behind Jed. ‘And this is?’

‘Oh sorry, course, this is Martin.’

‘Hi, Mr and Mrs Langham,’ he said.

‘Cait, Matt, please,’ I said.

‘Is it OK? Can we stay a while?’ asked Jed as he dumped his rucksack and bag onto the floor.

‘Yes. Of course,’ I said.

‘Great,’ said Jed, as Martin put his stuff next to Jed’s. ‘We can have my old room right?’

I glanced at Matt and he half laughed, half nodded.

‘OK,’ I said, ‘but we’ve decorated. I’ll explain later. What happened? I thought you had a job and place to stay?’

Jed shrugged and looked at Martin. ‘Time for a change. We thought we’d come back to the UK and see what the job situation is here. If we could use this place as a base, we can check out what’s happening. God, Mum, I’m starving. What’ve you got to eat? Something smells good in here. Where’s Yoda?’

‘Yoda’s gone for his evening walk and there’s plenty of food in the kitchen, come on through. You too, Martin, then I’ll show you where you can put your things for the time being.’

‘And I’m dying for a proper cup of tea,’ said Jed. ‘Been dreaming of it all the way here.’

I ushered Martin into the kitchen, where Jed opened the fridge and helped himself to a carton of apple juice as though he’d never been away. He took a long swig, handed it to Martin then looked around. ‘God, it’s good to be home,’ he said. ‘Let’s have a bit of grub then bed. We’re both cream-crackered. We can have a proper catch-up in the morning.’

I made mounds of cheese on toast, mugs of tea, and Jed filled us in on his last weeks in Thailand.

‘Alex and I parted months ago,’ he told us when Martin went to the loo. ‘Just wasn’t working out. Alex had the roving eye, he was never ready for steady. Martin’s different. He knows who he is and what he wants and he wants me.’

‘So Martin’s your new boyfriend?’ asked Matt.

‘Oh yeah. Didn’t I say that?’ Jed replied through a mouthful of toast, on to which he’d ladled mounds of the chilli dish I’d made earlier. He took a bite. ‘Wow, this food is hot, Mum. What were you trying to do? Kill Dad?’

‘Hope not,’ said Matt, ‘though I wouldn’t put it past her lately.

*

I finished clearing up after the boys around midnight. Matt was already in bed. I could hear the sounds of three people snoring as I went up the stairs to my study where I had a quick look on Facebook on my laptop to see if Tom had been in touch again. All quiet. Couldn’t resist quick quiz to determine which is my weakest chakra. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep without knowing. Hmm. Apparently it’s the throat chakra, which signifies a difficulty in communicating. Rubbish.

So much for my first day of sizzling seduction. Maybe I should just jump on Matt, I thought as I went through to the bedroom and got into bed. No. I’d scared him enough for the time being, so I lay beside him and curled away from him as he was from me. Best-laid plans, I reflected as I realized we wouldn’t be doing Airbnb in Jed’s room for a while. So, our spare-room guests weren’t the ones we’d expected, but that was life and it was wonderful to see Jed.

Clearly, how to seduce one’s partner would have to be a subject for next time I saw Lorna and Debs. Hopefully they’d have more to offer than me and my friend Google.