Cait
I woke the next morning with a throbbing head and dry mouth. I went straight to my mobile. There was still no word from Matt but there was a text from Lorna. Tried you last night, you OK?
I didn’t want to speak to anyone; instead I found a throw and went back to the sofa and slept. When I awoke late afternoon, there were four more texts from Lorna. Are you OK? Call me. Am worried.
I went upstairs, showered, made a cafetiere of coffee then heard the doorbell. Matt? No, he has his keys. I had no desire to see anyone but, after a few minutes, I heard Lorna calling through the letterbox.
‘Cait, it’s me.’
I went to the door and let her in.
‘You look awful,’ she said as soon as she saw me and took in the dressing gown. ‘Are you ill?’
I shook my head. ‘Matt’s left me.’
‘Oh god, no,’ she said and hugged me. ‘Let’s make some tea and you can tell me what’s happened.’
She led me through into the kitchen and made tea and toast while I filled her in on what had happened.
‘There were only two people who knew about Tom—’
‘It was Debs,’ said Lorna.
‘Debs? How do you know? Are you sure?’
Lorna nodded. ‘She called me last night. She’s in pieces, very upset.’
‘She’s upset? Why did she do it? Why would she do that?’
‘I think you need to ask her that.’
‘Do you know what she told him?’
‘Only that you’d been seeing Tom.’
I felt a sudden panic. ‘Matt’s not with her, is he?’
‘No, of course not, Cait. He loves you, but that’s why I’ve been trying to reach you, to warn you that Debs had told Matt. I didn’t know he’d gone.’
‘Do you know when she told him? Was it yesterday?’
‘I think it was a week ago. She’s been agonizing ever since.’
‘I’ll kill her, though that explains why I haven’t heard from her lately, and why Matt had shut down. I couldn’t understand what had happened because we’d been getting on so much better, then he suddenly became uncommunicative and moody so it’s beginning to make sense. God, what a mess. I know I’ve been a complete idiot, but it was never real with Tom. I know that now.’
‘It’s always been obvious to me that you love Matt. You’ve just been going through a sticky patch. Tom was just a—’
‘A distraction, a stupid fantasy, an escape.’
‘I never for a moment thought you were going to act on it.’
‘Well, Debs did, and apparently enough to go and warn Matt.’
‘I know. That was bad. It wasn’t her place to tell him and, believe me, she does know that. She really regrets it.’
‘Why would she tell him unless she thought Matt might be up for grabs? I thought she was my friend but, not only did she betray me, I reckon she was after my husband.’
‘No, surely not? She wouldn’t do that.’
‘Wouldn’t she? You know how desperate she’s been to find a man, and she’s often said she’d like an older man, someone like Matt. Or do you think telling him was revenge because I didn’t put her in touch with Tom?’
‘Don’t think about it today, Cait. Drink your tea. It’s not the time; nobody’s thinking straight and you don’t know what was said or why. What you have to concentrate on is getting Matt to come home.’
‘I know, but he won’t answer my calls.’
‘So go round there. Talk to him. Camp on the doorstep.’
I sank my head into my hands. I felt utterly exhausted and just wanted to sleep.
Lorna came over and rubbed my shoulders. ‘Come on, Cait, you can make it right again.’
‘Can I? Or is it too late?’
‘It’s never too late; just let him know that you do love him. I don’t think we need to even question if he loves you.’
Her words made my eyes well up again and I sobbed into her shoulder. ‘How do you cope with the loss of Alistair?’
‘I don’t,’ she replied. ‘The pain doesn’t lessen, but somehow you get used to it and learn to live with it. Never forget, the depth of what you feel after the loss of someone is directly related to how much you loved them. The deeper the love, the deeper the pain.’
‘I understand that,’ I said, and told her about going through the albums yesterday.
She hugged me again and her eyes were also full of tears, but I felt comforted and hoped that she did too.
*
I set off for Duncan’s a couple of hours later. What will I say? I asked myself as I found his flat and parked the car. Apologize? Beg? Lie on the pavement and refuse to get up until Matt agrees to come back?
I got out of the car, went over to the block where Duncan had a first-floor flat and rang the bell. Duncan appeared a few minutes later, looking bleary eyed.
‘Is Matt here?’
Duncan shook his head. ‘No, he’s out. What’s going on with you two? He won’t tell me anything but he’s like a bear with a sore head.’
‘Do you know where he is?’
Duncan shook his head again. ‘Want to come in?’
‘No. Thanks. Could you ask Matt to call me?’
‘Sure, but what’s going on?’ he asked again as I headed back to my car.
Back at home, I sat and pondered what to do next. I tried calling Matt’s phone again and, the third time, he picked up. ‘Matt, thank god, where are you?’
‘Down by the canal.’
‘What are you doing there?’
‘Walking.’
‘Will you come home, please?’
‘No, Cait. I need some time alone and I think you do too.’
‘I don’t. I really don’t. I don’t know what Debs told you, but this Tom guy, he was nothing, is nothing, nothing happened.’
‘So why didn’t you tell me about him yourself?’
‘Because …’
‘Exactly. You may say that nothing happened, but just the fact you didn’t mention him was a betrayal of sorts.’
‘I didn’t sleep with him, Matt.’
There was a silence at the other end. ‘It’s not just that, Cait. You’ve been saying for months now that things haven’t been right between us, so it’s not just Tom. I think you need to think about what you want, what you really want, and I’ll do the same. We need to decide whether the next part of the journey is to be together or not—’
‘Matt, I already know. I want to be with you. Please come home.’
‘Not yet. I need some space, Cait, to think things over.’
‘I found your book of lists—’
‘No. That wasn’t finished.’
‘I loved it.’
‘Well, things have changed a bit since I started working on that, haven’t they?’ I could hear the anger in his voice.
‘Matt, I’m sorry.’
There was a pause then he said, ‘I’m sorry too.’
The phone clicked off.
He’d sounded weary and sad. I needed to do something to bring him home, something that would let him know how much I cared, how much I knew him and what he needed and liked. Book a weekend away? A case of his favourite wine? A gym membership? No. All these things could be done later. I needed something better, a grand gesture. As I thought, I flicked through the albums that were still lying on the coffee table. Matt with Sam and Jed. An early one of Matt from before he went to college, standing proudly, a black Alsatian at his side. Rex, his dog. An idea popped into my head. That could work, I thought. It would bring Matt home, I had no doubt about it.