Cait
I sat in a room on Tuesday morning with a group of young folk who looked like university graduates, all busy on their phones while we waited to be seen. The job we were lining up for was in telesales. My heart wasn’t in it, but my head kept telling me that I must be serious and at least try and earn something. After a few minutes checking each other out in between texts, we were led into a room, handed sheets of paper and pens and a questionnaire.
I knew I wasn’t in with a chance. I was at least forty years older than the other applicants so decided to have some fun with my form.
1) What is your motivation for getting the job? I need to get out of the house. My husband’s driving me barmy.
2) What do you feel you could bring to the job? My handbag and my lunch.
3) Do you use Twitter and Facebook? If so, what would you post on there? Photos of my bare bottom.
4) Do you prefer to be liked or to be right? Both. This is the right answer.
5) Do you drive through amber lights? Yep. Don’t we all?
6) Describe yourself in three words? Too old for this job. That’s five words. Soz.
7) What are your strengths? I do a great impersonation of Marilyn Monroe singing ‘Happy Birthday, Mr President’.
8) What are your weaknesses? Chips.
9) If I were talking to your best friend, what would they say you need to work on? My upper arms because they are a bit flabby.
10) If you could be any superhero, which would it be and why? Superman so I could wear underpants over my jeans.
11) What’s in your fridge? The head of my dead husband.
12) If you were written about in the paper, what would the headline be? Elderly lady flashes her bits in Waitrose.
13) What might you not like about the job? Dealing with people.
14) Worst moment of life? This.
15) Why do you think this is the job for you? My horoscope said so.
16) Would you say you are a tolerant person? What a stupid question, you idiot. Of course I am.
17) What do you do at weekends? Anger management courses.
18) What are your assets? Have a bike.
19) How would you demonstrate leadership skills? Arm wrestling.
20) When can you start? I’ll have to ask my mum.
21) Have you ever done anything you regret? Possibly filling in this questionnaire.
I left my questionnaire on the desk with the others on the way out. I knew they wouldn’t contact me because I’d put Mrs Anne Droid as my name and Cloud Cuckoo Land, Planet Earth, The Universe as my address.
It felt good to be juvenile sometimes.
I got home to a quiet house and a heap of bills. I felt deflated after my burst of rebellion earlier as I sifted through the pile. It was all very well acting like a fifteen year old, but the harsh reality of life soon caught up as shown by the invoices in front of me reminding me that we had to find a way to get by somehow or other. When the going gets tough, the tough look on Facebook, I thought as I switched on my laptop.
There was a private message from Tom. It said: Please call ASAP and text me your mobile number. Mine is 077733320.
I called his number and he picked up immediately. ‘Cait. I’m so glad you called.’
‘What’s the urgency?’
‘I need to see you.’
‘See me? Why?’
‘I’ll tell you when I see you.’
‘But—’
‘I’m on my way to Bath now. Can you get away?’
‘Tom, you’re scaring me. Has something happened?’
‘Yes. No. Nothing bad. I’ll be there in … about an hour. I can wait if you can’t get away for a while or even stay a night if you can’t see me today.’
‘No. I could. I’m not doing anything that can’t wait.’ I searched my mind for somewhere to meet him. Somewhere we wouldn’t be seen. ‘I’ll meet you in the botanical gardens in Victoria Park. They’re near the centre of town and you can park.’
‘OK. See you about 5.15. And keep your phone on in case I get lost or am held up.’
Matt was out so I was able to change and put on some make-up without being questioned. First I put on a smart navy dress. Blargh. No. I looked like a bank clerk. I’m meeting him in a park, for heaven’s sake, I told myself. Put on something casual. I put on an Eastern-looking top. No. It was too evening dress. In the end I settled for my coral dress and some ballet-style slip-ons. I was intrigued. What could he possibly want? I wondered as I drove down to the gardens, parked, then found a secluded bench where I hoped that we wouldn’t be seen. I texted Tom to tell him where I was.
I wished I’d taken a book because it felt like eternity sitting there. It was a beautiful afternoon and there were lots of people about enjoying the late afternoon sun. Some glanced over. I twiddled my thumbs and felt oh so conspicuous, like there was a sign over my head saying, ‘Waiting for a lover, shouldn’t really be here.’
Tom arrived after half an hour, slightly breathless as though he’d been running. I got up to greet him as he came towards me and he grinned and swept me into one of his bear hugs. It was heady stuff having such an attractive man be clearly so pleased to see me. Even in jeans and white shirt, he looked charismatic, and I couldn’t help but grin back at him.
‘Sorry, sorry, couldn’t find a parking place. Have you been waiting long?’
‘Just got here,’ I lied.
‘So what’s going on?’ I asked when he let me go and we sat on the bench, turned towards each other.
He took one of my hands in his and took a deep breath. ‘Your text. It seemed to be giving me, us, the old heave-ho. So, I’ll be blunt. Seeing you again stirred up a lot inside of me and since then, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. In fact, I haven’t been able to get you out of my mind. I know it’s been forty years but … you know the real thing at our age. We were so young when we were together, and yes, it was all there then, the connection, the ease we have, but in my ignorance, my naïvety, my utter stupidity, I thought that was how it would be with other women, that bond, that unspoken understanding we have with each other – more than that, the recognition of having met someone exceptional. When I was with you, I took that for granted, imagining it would be there with so many others along the way, but I was wrong. It’s rare and precious. I didn’t know that at the time. Anyway, it’s taken me the past forty years we’ve been apart to realize that no, it isn’t like that with others. What we had was special, is special. I know you feel it too. You do, don’t you?’
‘Er …’
‘I should have known it back in our twenties but then … maybe not. I may have spent a lifetime wondering what else, who else lay out there and been as restless as you might have been with me, so maybe it was for the best that we both played the field, had experiences. Not that I didn’t love my wives, I did, and not that I haven’t had lovers, I have, but what we had is extraordinary. I know that now. You mentioned soul mates last time we met. I believe you were, are, mine, and I owe it to myself, and to you, to say so. Are you OK, Cait? You look pale.’
‘Christ, Tom, that’s quite a speech. I … I hardly know what to say. Unexpected is a word that comes to mind.’ Overwhelmed is another, I thought. It’s unreal. One minute I’m wondering how to pay a gas bill, the next I’m sitting in a park with a handsome older man who is claiming I’m his soul mate.
He grinned. ‘I know. Mad, isn’t it? And at our time of life? Who knew something like this could happen? But, oh Cait, I can’t begin to express how seeing you again has made me feel. Like I’ve come alive again, woken up. You do feel the same, don’t you?’
‘Tom, I’m married. I did feel that you were my soul mate once, you know I did, but that was many moons ago. Why are you here? What do you want?’
‘Remember our promise to each other? To always seek adventure? To never grow old. Well, I have a proposal. Something I want to put to you.’
‘Oh god.’ I got up and took a deep breath, and he stood up next to me, then he pulled me towards him. He put his hand on my chest, not in a sexual way but as though putting his hand over my heart. ‘What’s going on in there, Cait? I mean, really? I sensed something in you that’s restless, discontent. I felt it when we met in London. Not so much by what you said but by what you didn’t. Are you happy in your marriage?’
I could feel his breath on my skin, the warmth, weight and pressure of his body touching mine. Parts of me that had long been buried were stirring, awakening, firing a surge of desire through me. Tom leant towards me and grazed my bottom lip with his. My whole being wanted to respond but I panicked and tried to pull away. I glanced around. ‘Anyone could see us here,’ I said.
He smiled and there was that look I remembered so well – as if the whole world was for his amusement, me included. ‘Let them. I know you feel it. We could have a lot of fun, you and I, Cait Langham.’ He pulled me close again, and though part of me wanted to give in, to lie down on the grass there and then, feel his lips, his body on mine, in me, possessing me, filling me, I was also aware of where we were, of people milling about in the distance.
I took a gulp of air. ‘Let go. I can’t think or breathe. I can’t do this. Not here. I mean, not that I’d do it anywhere else. I’m married. I can’t just go snogging in the park like a teenager.’
He groaned with frustration but he let go and stepped back. He pulled me to sit on the bench again, took my hand, held it then put it to his lips and bit it.
‘Ow,’ I cried though it wasn’t a painful bite, not physically. I understood the gesture. He wasn’t the only one who was feeling the intensity of desire and not being able to act on it.
‘Sorry but you’re driving me crazy.’ He rubbed my hand. ‘I didn’t mean to hurt you.’
‘You didn’t, not really. It was just unexpected.’
‘You haven’t really answered my question about your marriage. Are you satisfied?’
‘I … Sometimes. OK. Not lately but—’
‘I thought not. I could always read you. I felt something held back in you.’
‘It’s a phase. We’ll get through. All relationships have their rough patches.’
‘Get through? Is that enough? Life is short. It’s up to us to make the most of it. Surely there is more than making do, living with only being moderately satisfied?’
It felt spooky to hear him vocalize my private thoughts. Is it enough? That was exactly what I’d been asking myself these past months. I felt a rush of anger. ‘Christ, Tom, who are you to ask me these things? I don’t feel comfortable talking about my marriage with you after all this time. You can’t swan down here and ask me things like that.’
He nodded. ‘I understand. Sorry. I didn’t mean to pressure you, but if these last few years have taught me anything, it’s that you have to embrace the moment, take the risks. Cait, remember what I wrote to you after I’d left – that meeting when we were young was bad timing. A lot of water’s gone under the bridge since then, but now …? We’re older, maybe not much wiser but maybe a little. We know what we want and what we don’t. I think we owe it to ourselves to find out if we do belong together.’
‘Together as in together together? A couple?’
He nodded. ‘That’s what I’m proposing.’
‘Are you out of your mind, Tom? We hardly know each other any more. Forty years is a long time. I’m not the same person you knew back then. I have knobbly knees now.’
Tom laughed. ‘Me too. I’ve changed too but I’m still Tom and you’re still Cait. And I remember the sex we had, don’t you?’
I did and tried to push away all thoughts of it. ‘We were twenty, Tom. I doubt if we could even get into some of the positions we used to.’
He thought for a while then smiled. ‘We could try.’
‘You’d be disappointed. I mean, how do you still do it at your age?’
His eyes twinkled. ‘Very slowly,’ he said in a way that was loaded and I felt myself blush.
‘Get behind me, Satan,’ I said. ‘Stop it,’
Tom laughed again. ‘If that’s how you like it, I’m sure that could be arranged. Look, bottom line is, I still feel a connection to you. What have we got to lose? You’ve had recent losses, me too, and they do make you think, don’t they? Is this it? We can either settle for a life of familiarity or take a gamble and take what we have, grab on to it, hold on to it. Maybe it’s not all over for us yet. Maybe I’m out of my mind, but hooking up with you again could be the mother of all adventures, an adventure to end all adventures. We know time is limited. Life isn’t a rehearsal: you only get one shot at it. We all make mistakes, and surely one of them would be not to pursue something through fear or caution. At the end of our lives, we don’t want to look back with regret for what we were afraid of, do we? Maybe one of my biggest mistakes was letting you go. The loss of our loved ones has been a cruel reminder that we’re only passing through on this journey of life and no one gets out of here alive. I believe that now, more than ever, we have to seize the day, be prepared to take a risk and embrace what opportunities come to make the most of what’s left of our lives. We could at least try.’
‘Try? How?’
‘You. Me. See where it goes.’
‘I keep reminding you I’m married, Tom, or have you forgotten that?’
‘Do you feel like this with him?’
I thought back to the night Matt had come home drunk and slumped down on the floor. Not fair, I told myself, he’s rarely like that. I also thought back to the last time Matt and I had made love, and what a flat experience it had been.
‘Oh god, I don’t know what I feel. I’m not sure what to say or think. I’m in shock.’ Things like this don’t happen to women like me, I thought.
‘Sorry, it must be a lot to take in,’ said Tom. ‘Think about it. Are you willing to take a risk? Throw everything that’s safe and familiar up in the air to have an adventure with an old rogue who always loved you.’
‘But you didn’t always love me. You left me.’
‘I did love you. I do love you. I know that now.’
‘I need a stiff drink or two or three and I think I must go and buy some fags.’
‘I didn’t know you smoked.’
‘I don’t. See what you’re doing to me. I’m ruined. One more meeting and I’ll be on the hard drugs.’
Tom laughed. ‘Can we get a drink together? Good idea.’
‘No. This is where I live. What if someone saw us? Someone who knows Matt? Or me? Tom, you mustn’t come to Bath again.’
‘Are you saying you won’t consider my proposal?’
‘You mean an affair?’
‘I mean explore what we have and see where it takes us.’
‘I …’
Tom stood up. ‘I’ll go. You probably need time to take all this in but, before I do, I must say, this is not the kind of thing I do regularly—’
‘Regularly?’ I felt a shadow of doubt creeping in. Did Tom regularly have affairs?
‘Bad choice of word, not regularly, I mean this is not the kind of thing I do at all. I don’t make a habit of pursuing married women but I know what we had. I can feel what we could have and life is short. You have to grasp it by the short and curlies.’
‘No need to be rude.’
He laughed again. ‘When you’re ready, let me know. I have a house in Majorca up in the hills near Deia. You could come there. It’s beautiful. I’ll be going back and forth over the next two months. Or we could meet here in the UK. Your call, and if you decided to stay with me, you wouldn’t need to work. I have money, you could write or paint, whatever you wanted.’
‘You’re insane.’
‘Part of my charm.’
‘The devil sent you.’
Tom laughed again. ‘Yes, to tempt you into evil ways.’
‘Our situations are very different. As I keep telling you, I’m still married. You’re not.’
‘True. It’s up to you whether you wish to explore whether you want to remain in that marriage. Your choice. When can I see you next?’
‘I … I’m not sure, Tom. I need to think about this. Pinch myself. Make sure I haven’t dreamt you up. First of all, I need to get to know you again. How do I know I could trust you?’ I was shocked to hear myself even saying the words, as if what he was proposing was an option.
‘What do you want to know?’
‘Everything. Tell me about your life, your family, favourite food, everything.’
‘My favourite food is seafood paella, a dish that I cook rather well, even though I say so myself and the rest, well, I can tell you next time.’
I glanced at my watch. ‘I have to go.’
‘Go? Where?’
‘Home then my yoga class. I have a life, you know.’ Actually I had plenty of time before the class but I needed to get away, think about what was happening.
‘OK, and I know I might have seemed impetuous driving down here today, but I wanted to say what I did in person, not in cyberspace, on Facebook or by email. Take your time to think it over. Did you drive here?’
I nodded.
‘I’ll walk you to your car,’ he said.
We got up and he put his arm around my shoulder as we walked towards the park exit. ‘Relax, Cait. I won’t push you into anything you don’t want to do but I had to state my case.’
Ahead in the distance, I spotted a woman entering the park. She had a dog with her and turned away, for a moment, fussing with the dog’s lead. I knew that figure. It was Claire, the woman who led the Saturday walking group that I sometimes went to, and her Irish terrier, Rufus. She lived in Lorna’s village.
‘Get down now!’ I said. I pushed Tom’s arm away from my shoulder as if it was burning and almost knocked him over.
He looked startled. ‘Down?’
‘On the grass,’ I said, and dived behind a tree. He looked around, puzzled, and followed me.
‘What on earth are you doing?’
‘Hiding. Christ, I knew this would happen. Someone I know is coming.’
‘So introduce us.’
‘No way. Get over there. Lie on the grass.’
Tom burst out laughing but did as he was told. ‘For a minute there, I thought you were making me an offer; either that or you’d come over all dominatrix.’
‘I’m serious, Tom. On the ground. Now! Close your eyes. Quick.’
Tom did as he was told and lay on the grass on his front. ‘Why am I on the ground?’ he called. ‘She doesn’t know me.’
‘Best be safe,’ I called back.
He didn’t look out of place. All over the park, people were snoozing in the sun. I stayed behind the tree and peeked out along the path. I could see Claire approaching and, thankfully, she didn’t seem to be looking our way. As she got nearer, I shuffled around the tree away from her so I couldn’t see her but I could hear her footsteps, hear her talking to her dog.
‘No, no, come away,’ I heard her say. ‘So sorry. He’s only being curious. He won’t bite.’
‘No problem,’ I heard Tom say. ‘I like dogs.’
What? I didn’t dare look around this time. She was too close.
I heard Claire laugh. A girlie, flirty laugh. This time, I did dare to peer round. Hell. The dog was sniffing at Tom and Claire was flicking her hair and sticking out her chest in the way that some women do when they fancy a man. ‘And where’s home?’
‘London presently,’ said Tom.
‘Oh, so you’re visiting here?’ asked Claire.
‘I am. Visiting a friend.’
‘Oh, and just having a break in the park?’
‘That’s right,’ said Tom. ‘Fancied some fresh air and a bit of green space.’
He needs some space, Claire, you nosey cow, get it? Get the message? Clear off.
‘I know how it is. OK. I’ll leave you to your snooze and your fresh air. Sorry about Rufus.’
‘No problem.’
‘Might see you on the way back.’
‘Bye Rufus,’ called Tom.
She walked on. Phew. As I heard her footsteps recede, I shuffled back round the tree. I looked around in the hope that no one had spotted me but most people seemed to be going about their business, apart from a man in the distance who appeared to be watching me. I rubbed the tree bark as if I was interested in it. Hopefully, he’d think I was some kind of tree maintenance person.
‘Coast is clear,’ Tom called after a few minutes, so I moved from the tree to behind a shrub.
‘Are you sure?’ I asked as I peeked out from the leaves.
‘Sure.’ Tom was sitting up on the ground, clearly very amused by it all. ‘What was all that for?’
‘She might have seen us together.’
‘We could have walked separately. She wouldn’t know me, wouldn’t know we’d been meeting. I could have been a stranger in the park, walking behind you. We weren’t doing anything.’
‘Sorry. Panicked. Haven’t ever done anything like this. See. I’d be hopeless at having an affair. I think you need to go and find a more sophisticated woman.’
‘I’d rather have you. More fun,’ he said as he stood up and came over to remove a leaf from my hair.
‘I’m not sure it’s fun. We went from Brief Encounter to a Carry On film in the space of half an hour. I live a quiet life normally.’
He took a step closer. I took one back and pointed towards the gate to our right. ‘Go. Now.’
‘But you’ll let me know?’
‘I’ll think about it. That’s all I can promise at the moment.’
‘I’ll go then, but reluctantly. Might even have a look around Bath while I’m here. Call me soon.’
He walked off in the opposite direction and I began to make my way back to my car.
After a few moments, I was approached by a park warden. ‘Just a moment, madam.’
I stopped and glanced around to make sure Claire was nowhere near. ‘Yes, can I help you?’
It was the man who’d been watching me when I was behind the tree. ‘I couldn’t help but notice your behaviour back there. Behind the tree? Is there anything you need help with?’
‘Me? Oh god no,’ I said in a high voice. ‘I …’
‘Yes?’
‘I … I’m interested in photography. Tree barks. Textures in nature. They’re fascinating, aren’t they? All so different.’
‘So where’s your camera?’
‘In my bag, on my phone. I was just looking at that tree. Very interesting markings. I’ll come back and photograph it when I’ve got my good camera.’
The warden looked at me closely. ‘OK. On your way then.’
I shot off as fast as I could to the safety of my car. What the hell was that? I thought as I drove home.
When I got back, I went straight upstairs to call Lorna, but her phone was on message so I went to Facebook and looked at Tom’s page. ‘You are the devil,’ I said to his profile picture. There were no longer violins at the sight of him, no doves, no rose petals falling from the sky, just an almighty bucket of cold water poured over me, shocking me back to reality. Of course it was ridiculous to even consider his proposal, but it felt like some force had called my bluff. Life had turned right round and said, OK Cait, so you’re dissatisfied? Well here’s your chance to do something about that. Take it or leave it. But I could never walk away from my life and all that was familiar to take a chance on a man I hardly knew any more, could I?
What’s the alternative? I asked myself. Years of silence with Matt as we get older, the distance between us growing larger? The Antiques Roadshow on TV? Weekly Sainsbury’s shops, supper nights with my friends? I was too old to throw up all that I knew. Wasn’t I?
I pulled out my mobile again and texted Lorna. Need to talk. Urgent.
I pulled a muscle at yoga doing the Cobra, but did manage the Dead Dog, a new position I have created myself which involves lying on my back with my legs and arms hanging in the air.
When I got home, I checked my phone to see if Lorna had got my message. No reply.