Cait
I woke early. I’d hardly slept a wink. I’d tried counting sheep but when I started giving them names – Rambo, Shep, Jet, Babah – and individual hairstyles, I knew it was a lost cause. Tom Lewis. Tom Lewis. Tom Lewis. I can’t stop thinking about him. How it felt when he pulled me to him. The weight of his body close to mine. Must watch Fatal Attraction to remind myself what can go wrong. I know Tom isn’t Glenn Close and unlikely to be a bunny boiler but … Tom and I in Majorca in that big bed in the photo, looking out over the mountains. I drifted back to sleep and dreamt I was with Tom in a field in the sun. We were alone apart from twenty or more rabbits that were beginning to look fierce.
I was awoken by Matt prodding me in the back. ‘Are you OK, Cait?’
‘Yes. Course. Why?’
‘You were groaning in your sleep.’
‘Bad dream.’
Betrayed by my own subconscious.
*
‘We have only just enough money to get by with what Dad’s paying,’ I said as I sipped the tea that Matt had brought me in bed.
Matt sat on the end of the bed. I noticed he was dressed in his sports gear. ‘I don’t suppose we can ask the boys to contribute.’
‘I’m sure they would if they had work, but so far I don’t think either of them even know where they want to be. They’ve got no money. They need to get jobs and then, if they want to get their own place, they’ll need to save for a deposit.’
‘Has Jed talked over his plans with you?’ Matt asked.
‘Only that they won’t be leaving any time soon. They’re not even sure where they want to live – London, Bristol, here, or go travelling again.’
‘Well, this is his home I suppose.’
‘And Dad seems happier which makes me feel a lot better too. He wants to see how it feels here for a month or so before burning his bridges. He said if he likes the set-up with us, he’ll put his house on the market and then he’ll split the proceeds between Mike and me, but I told him that was premature and he might need the money for care.’
‘Sensible advice. He could live for many more years, but if he does settle here, it might be an idea to sell his place. But even then, if he got a buyer straight away, it would still take three months or more for a sale to go through.’
We were both quiet for a moment. ‘Are you thinking what I’m thinking?’ asked Matt.
Doubt it, I thought. Tom Lewis, Tom Lewis, Tom Lewis. ‘I might be. What are you thinking?’
‘That the boys might appreciate some independence. They’re young. It’s probably cramping their style a bit being here.’
I nodded. ‘If Dad was open to it, they could go and live in his house. In fact, better to have someone living in what would otherwise be an empty property.’
‘Let’s see what he says. I think it would be a good idea, and then we could do Airbnb in Jed’s room and at least have some income.’
‘But Dad wouldn’t like that. It’s one thing having people he knows in the room across the corridor, quite another bumping into strangers on your way to the bathroom. We won’t mind but Dad would.’
‘Would he like to go back to his home with Jed and Martin? He’d have company, which is what he wanted.’
‘But they might take off any day, which would leave him there on his own again. Better he stays here and feels settled. I’ll make a list.’
I found some paper in the bedside cabinet and wrote:
Options:
- Ask Jed and Martin to move in as caretakers to Dad’s old house. Good idea, space and independence for them.
- Do B & B in Jed’s old room. Not a good idea. Dad snores, you can hear him on the other side of the house, and he splashes everywhere in the bathroom which guests won’t like.
- Sell house, downsize. Where would Dad go?
- Move Dad back into his house with Jed and Martin? But don’t want to move him twice if they take off again.
- Matt and I get jobs and all stay where we are.
- I run away with Tom and leave them all to it.
I went down to feed Yoda. I put his favourite food in bowl. I’d bought loads of it. He took one sniff, looked at me as if to say ‘and you expect me to eat that?’ Walked away.
In the kitchen, there were four men in dressing gowns.
‘Do you have porridge, Cait?’ Dad asked.
‘Where’s the jam, Mum?’ asked Jed. ‘And I think we need more bread.’
‘Don’t worry,’ said Matt. ‘I’ll see to the breakfasts then I’m going out for my walk then to my t’ai chi class. Anyone want to come? Now, Cait, can I get you anything while I’m out? And before I go, is there anything you’d like me to do around the house?’
Uh?
‘You need a magnetic cat flap, Mum,’ said Jed. ‘The neighbour’s cat has been in eating all Yoda’s food.’
‘Matt? Could you get one while you’re out and see if they sell dressing gowns for cats. Yoda might as well join in. In the meantime, I’m going to email Sam to see if he and the family might be moving back in as well.’
Jed laughed. ‘Do you by any chance need some space, Mum?’
‘No, no, not at all, didn’t sleep well, that’s all. I’ll be in my study if you need me.’
Dad went off to watch the morning news, turned up loud so he could hear. Jed tuned the radio in the kitchen onto some noisy pop channel. I escaped upstairs to find a text from Tom on my phone.
Am in Bristol for the day. My meeting has ended early. I know it’s short notice but it’s only twelve minutes on the train to Bath. Any chance you could meet up about 12?
I texted back. Sure. But I’ll come to Bristol. Only got a short time. Meet you in the café on Platform 3.
He texted: Love it. Very Brief Encounter.
I replied, Utter madness (to be read in best BBC voice).
I was glad of an excuse to get out of the mayhem and noise in the house. I walked over to the station, hopped onto a train, did my make-up in the loo and was in the café to meet Tom just over an hour after he’d texted. I had it in mind to tell him that nothing could ever happen between us, that I would stay with Matt. I wouldn’t, couldn’t abandon Matt or Dad or my boys, even though the house felt crowded. It really was madness to have even considered it, but then he walked in, his face lit up when he saw me and anything seemed possible again.
‘So, Cait. How goes it?’ he asked once we’d bought coffees and settled on a leather sofa at the back of the café.
‘Interesting. My dad and son have just moved back in, not to mention all the neighbourhood cats.’
Tom laughed. ‘Ah. Just when you thought you were free.’
‘And had space. First Matt home all day, then Jed and his boyfriend, now Dad. I’m wondering who’s going to be next.’
‘You can always escape and come and see me. Could you? Get away for a few days?’
‘I’m not sure that would be a good idea.’
‘Why ever not? Come over to Majorca or to London.’
I shook my head. ‘I might get to like it.’
He laughed. ‘That’s the plan.’
‘It’s tempting, but really Tom, it has been wonderful seeing you again but my life is with my family. You can’t just reappear in my life and expect me to drop everything.’
‘Why not? There are no rules.’
‘What if it was you? Still married and one of your children just moved back in?’
Tom sighed. ‘I understand, but they’re all adults and each responsible for themselves as you are. OK, don’t decide just yet. Your son being home is a temporary measure, isn’t it?’
‘I think so.’
‘And your father?’
‘Probably more permanent, and no way I could leave him with Matt. That would be unfair and I wouldn’t do it to either of them. I spent the last year worrying about Dad and it’s a big relief to know he’s OK after all that time. I couldn’t abandon him again. You see, I come with baggage and complications. It’s different for you. You’re a free man.’
‘We don’t have to decide anything yet.’ Tom reached over, took my hand and stroked it. I didn’t resist so he shifted over, put his arm around me and pulled me to him.
‘Not fair, Tom,’ I said and pulled away.
‘What am I supposed to do, Cait? Come on, I know you feel it too. Let go a little. OK, no to Majorca for now, so let’s go and book into a hotel and spend the rest of the afternoon together.’
I laughed. ‘What?’
‘I’m serious.’ He grinned and raised an eyebrow suggestively. ‘You know it would be fun.’
‘I can’t do that.’
‘Why not? Come on, let’s go and make love.’
I felt panicked. This was way beyond a nice fantasy to escape to when my life at home got tough or dull. ‘Too soon, Tom. I’ve never been unfaithful to Matt. It’s not something I’d do lightly.’
Tom grimaced. ‘Cait, you’re doing my head in, but can you blame me for trying? I understand that it’s a huge thing to think of leaving your husband, so I’m offering you a sort of halfway alternative.’
‘You mean like try the goods before buying?’
‘Exactly, though it’s not as if we haven’t ever done it before.’
‘Forty years ago, Tom. I’m a lot older, more wrinkly.’
‘Is that what’s holding you back?’
‘Partly.’
‘Hey, we’ve both got older.’
‘You were never shy.’
‘Neither were you. We’ll close the curtains, buy some candles on the way to the hotel.’ He started to get up. I pulled him back.
‘I am not going to a hotel with you this afternoon.’
He sat back down. ‘OK. No hotel. Back of the car? It’s in the car park.’ He laughed, but I got a feeling that if I’d agreed, we’d be on our way out there.
‘Yeah, right. Sorry, but a gear stick in the groin is not my idea of romance.’
‘I’m not going to give up, Cait, and we did do it once in the back of a car. Remember? Back of that old Volkswagen I had.’
‘I do, I had a crick in my neck for days.’
‘Was worth it, though. Come on, stop being so sensible. Let’s live a little.’
‘You are doing my head in, Tom.’ I motioned to a very attractive brunette in her thirties who had just walked into the café. ‘Why not go for someone younger?’
‘I don’t want younger. I’ve had younger. I want you, Cait, wrinkles and all, though as I said when we first met up in London, you’ve aged well.’ He took my hand again. ‘Is that what you’re worried about? That you’re not twenty any more?’
‘Amongst other things.’
‘I want a woman I have a connection with, someone I can talk to, can laugh with, and I can do that with you. I don’t care about smooth skin, pert breasts. It’s the spirit, the soul of a woman that makes her really attractive.’
‘You’re a silver-tongued old devil. Stop it, stop it now.’
‘So what is this meeting up about? To sip tea and chat like a pair of old-age pensioners? I don’t think so. You might not admit it to yourself yet, but I know that’s not what you want either.’
The expression ‘play with fire and you get burnt’ went through my head. ‘But you know nothing about me any more, not really.’
‘OK, but if we’re going to get to know each other again, we need to do exactly that: spend time, get naked, get to know each other again.’
‘This is only the third time we’ve met up, Tom.’
‘I seem to remember you succumbed to my charms on our second date.’
‘I haven’t forgotten. I was clearly a slut back then.’
‘You were acting on what you felt. Why can’t you do that now?’
‘Because, as I keep telling you, our situations are different. My father and Matt, he has no idea where I am right now. It’s not fair to him.’ I was saying the right words, but when I looked at Tom, there was no denying the tug of desire. I wanted Tom as much as he wanted me. I felt torn. I remembered Lorna’s advice about how it would be with Tom as we got older and more familiar. I wondered if I would ever feel safe with Tom.
‘Do you think there’s any way to unite the two elements, desire and familiarity?’ I asked. ‘We haven’t seen each other in a long time. Seeing each other now is forbidden, the thrill of secrecy, anticipation, and so all the more inviting. We haven’t been through the day-in, day-out routine of living together, getting to know every habit, thought, action. Say I did cast caution to the wind and we did have an affair, then we tried living together; you might grow bored, irritated even. For instance, I’m rubbish in the mornings.’
‘Ah. Changing the subject, Cait. Don’t think I don’t see what you’re doing here. OK. So you’re crap in the morning? I’d go out until you’re ready for company. Truth be told, I’m not great in the morning either. Oscar Wilde said that only dull people are brilliant in the morning.’
‘I knew I liked him.’
‘We could make a pact not to talk until at least ten a.m.’
‘Sounds about right.’
‘People work these things out, Cait.’
‘Do they? Or do they just get bored with each other’s annoying habits.’
‘Is that what’s happened with you and Matt?’
I wanted to keep Matt out of it. It was one thing having a moan to girlfriends, but it felt like a betrayal to talk about him to Tom. ‘At the moment, I’m out of your reach and maybe that’s why you’re here. How do I know you’d stay if I wasn’t unattainable?’
Tom looked around the café. ‘There’s only one way to find out. I’d be taking a risk too. You’d be just as likely to tire of me. You were always a restless soul.’
I squeezed his hand. ‘I might have been, but I’ve stayed with the same man for over thirty years.’
Tom sighed. ‘So how do we leave this?’
‘I go home. You go back to London.’
‘Doesn’t feel right. Have a think about coming to Majorca or even to London for a night. I won’t push it, just let me know when you’re ready.’
We sat holding hands in silence for a few minutes and Tom gently caressed my thumb and fingers in a way that felt as intimate as making love.
I pulled my hand away. ‘Stop with the hand sex. I know what you’re doing. I have to go.’
Tom leant into my neck and inhaled. ‘Irresistible, that’s what you are,’ he crooned softly.
I stood up. ‘You’re an old rogue.’
Tom stood up. ‘Will we meet again soon?’
‘Not sure. I have some serious thinking to do.’
‘Don’t be too serious. Let the other side of you have a say too. I remember how spontaneous you could be.’
‘You were the spontaneous one. I followed where you led then, when it was too late, you spontaneously disappeared.’
‘You have to forgive me for that.’
‘Oh I have, sort of, but I have to protect myself, and in doing that remind myself of what you did and that you might do it again. I have a lot at stake here.’
Tom nodded. ‘Message understood.’
‘Good, so now I’m going to get on the train and you can do the Trevor Howard part.’
Tom smiled. ‘I need a tweed hat, don’t I?’
I smiled back at him but suddenly felt overwhelmingly sad.
‘I wonder how it would have been if we’d stayed together?’ asked Tom, voicing my thoughts.
‘Too late for that,’ I said.
‘But still not too late for us.’
We walked out to the platform, where Tom hugged me, kissed my cheek, then we went our separate ways. I ought to end this, I thought as I stared out of the window of the train, and tried to push thoughts of what it might have been like if I’d said yes and gone with Tom to a hotel room for the afternoon. Must end this. Texted Debs: Please bring Bach flower remedies to restaurant tomorrow.
*
In the evening, a few of us from the book club met up for a midsummer get-together. Someone had chosen The Prince by Machiavelli as the book for us all to read. I hadn’t had a chance so I cribbed some notes from the reviews on Amazon and tried to repeat them. Was caught out but congratulated for being Machiavellian.