Saturday, June 18
Muffin.
Jason is waiting for us at the airport.
When he sees us, I expect him to punch Kale. Or yell at us. Or anything. But he doesn’t. Instead, he just wraps his arms around me and hugs me like he hasn’t seen me in years instead of just a month.
“I missed you, Juliet.”
“I missed you, too,” I tell him.
“Did nobody miss me?” I hear Kale asks behind me, making me laugh.
Jason pulls away, but when he does I see he has tears in his eyes.
I look at Kale, who is looking down at his shoes.
“You know,” I say to Jason.
Nobody says anything. Jason just pulls me in for another hug. And I let him, knowing that he probably needs this hug. I need this hug, too. I can’t imagine how he’s feeling right now. I try to imagine our roles reversed, and it hurts too much to even think about it.
He pulls away, this time he has his emotions under control.
“So... you married my best friend,” Jason says.
I nod. “He asked me to marry him on top of the Eiffel Tower in Vegas.”
He laughs. “You always did want to get engaged in France.”
“It was super romantic. I didn’t know Kale had it in him,” I say, mostly joking. I clear my throat. “Does Mom and Dad know?”
“Not yet,” Jason answers. “I only told Miranda.”
Miranda is his fiancé. I am glad he told her. He needed somebody to comfort him.
“I’m sorry I told him, Juliet,” Kale says. “I know I promised I wouldn’t, but I told him that day you went into the hospital in Arkansas. I had to tell somebody.”
“It took everything in me not to hop on a plane that day,” Jason says.
“We still have to finish our road trip,” I say. “I have to. I need to.”
“Maybe we can fly to the rest of the destinations,” Kale says. “I mean, we did go on a long road trip. Maybe the rest can be planned out better. And we can spend a few hours flying there instead of a few days driving.”
“Fine.”
“I want to come, too,” Jason says. “At least to some of it.”
“You want to come on our honeymoon?” Kale asks, in a joking tone.
I laugh, but my face still grows warm. Even though Kale and I haven’t done anything more than kiss, it’s still embarrassing to talk about my honeymoon with my brother.
“Can I see this bucket list?” Jason asks, as we walk out into the parking lot. The air here is so nice, not at all like the humidity in the south.
“Sure,” I say, pulling it out of my back pocket and handing it to him.
Jason grins. “Kiss a boy was the first item on your list?”
“I’m a girl. Shut up,” I say, resisting the urge to hide my face in my hands.
“Can’t help but notice that’s crossed out.”
“Well, I am married.” Yep, still embarrassed. I feel Kale’s hand on my lower back and I scoot closer to him.
“Cliff jumping,” Jason says, smiling. “I saw that on your YouTube channel. That was awesome. I’m so proud of you.”
“It was awesome.”
“Wait, why do you have two number fives?” he asks.
I look at the list.
5. Fall in love.
5. Sing karaoke in front of a huge crowd.
“Well, I wrote down fall in love, but then decided that was cruel. You know, to fall in love and then die. It wouldn’t be fair. So I marked it out,” I say.
Jason frowns, but then keeps reading. “Watch my brother marry the girl of his dreams. Why is that even on the list? Of course you’re going to watch me get married.”
“I...” I start to explain, but I can’t.
Jason looks at me. “No, Juliet. It can’t be that soon.”
“Maybe. I don’t know,” I answer. “The doctor said six months first. But then they changed it to nine months, maybe a year if I’m lucky. So, I’m not sure. If it’s six months from the time the doctor told me, then I definitely won’t make it to your wedding.”
“You will be at my wedding,” he says, pulling out his phone. He pushes a few buttons. “Miranda... Hey... I know... Look, how set are you on January third? ... Yes, I know it’s the anniversary of the day we met... Because Juliet... Um... like, maybe August... Really? ... Sounds good... Love you too, Muffin.”
I turn to look at Kale.
“Muffin?” I ask him.
Kale shrugs.
“Shut up,” Jason says.
I bust out laughing. “I can’t believe you call her muffin. You are so never going to live this down.”
“Yeah, yeah,” he says. “We’re getting married August sixth. So you’ll be there.”
Jason continues reading my list.
“We are going bowling tonight,” Jason says.
We get to his car and Jason gets in. Kale opens the door for me.
“Aw, thanks, muffin,” I tell him.
Jason yells at me, and Kale and I laugh some more.
Yep, pretty much going to make fun of the whole muffin thing for the rest of our lives.
I stop laughing when I realize that it won’t be very long.
1 p.m.
Be serious.
We arrive at Mom and Dad’s house just after one o’clock, and I’m nervous.
I’m not telling them about my diagnosis or my death sentence today, but it’s the first time I’ve seen them since I found out. It’s also the first time I’ve seen them since I ran off to Vegas and married Kale, the boy I grew up with.
Kale holds my hand as we walk inside. He seems completely calm. Of course, when we go see his parents later, he might not be so calm. But then again, I am the only daughter. Mom probably had big plans for my wedding. I crushed her dreams.
“Mom, Dad, we’re here!” Jason yells from the foyer.
We walk into the living room and Jason, of course, goes to the kitchen and looks through the fridge. He hasn’t lived at home for almost a year, but going through Mom’s leftovers is still the first thing he does when he comes over.
“We just ate,” I say.
He pulls out a tupperware container. “Sweet! Lasagna!”
I roll my eyes.
How my brother can eat so much and not be three hundred pounds is mind blowing. If I even smell chocolate, I gain five pounds.
Okay, maybe it’s not that dramatic.
Mom runs into the room, with a huge smile on her face. “There’s my baby girl.”
She gives me a hug.
You know; the kind of hug that a mom gives her kid after not seeing them for a month.
“How is LA?” she asks. “Are you eating well? You look like you’ve lost weight. You’re not dieting, are you? I already told you, you’re beautiful the way you are.”
“I’m fine, Mom. No dieting.”
“Good,” she says, then looks at Kale. “You talked my daughter into eloping to Vegas.”
“I think Juliet did the talking into,” Jason says, sitting on a barstool, eating cold lasagna. “I mean, have you ever heard anybody tell her no?”
Gross.
“I didn’t even know the two of you were dating, and then I find out you’re married. Did you want to give me a heart attack?” She puts her hands on her hips and shakes her head at us. “And your father... well, just wait until he gets hold of you.”
“Mom...” I groan.
“You’re not pregnant, are you? Is that why you got married in Vegas?” she asks.
My face grows warm. “No. Mom! I’m not pregnant!”
“Oh, thank God,” she says. “Not that I’d be opposed to grandchildren. Especially now that you’re married. Do you think that will happen soon? I mean, I’m a little young for them, but that’s okay. I actually bought the cutest outfit for a baby girl the other day...”
She continues talking, but it only makes me want to cry.
I will never get to have a baby.
Instead of listening, I turn and walk out the front door, because I can’t cry in front of my mom. Then, she would know that something was wrong. I run out the front door and a little ways from the house. I sit down next to a tree and I cry. I cry because I will never know what it’s like to have a baby. I’ve never changed a diaper. I’ll never get to go to an ultrasound and hear my baby’s heartbeat for the first time. And I’ll never get to tell my husband that we’re having a baby. I’ll never get to go baby shopping with my mom. I’ll never get any of that. I only get now. And I’m trying really hard to be happy about the now part, because that’s more than some people get, but I can’t, when I hear her say stuff like that. I want the more. I want the happy ever after.
“Juliet.”
I hear Kale’s voice.
I’m glad it’s him and not Jason, or my mom. I can’t face them right now.
He sits down beside me and he holds me while I cry into his chest. He’s been here for me through this all. He’s more than I deserve.
“I’m never going to have a baby,” I say, through the tears. I’m not even sure if he can understand me because I am sobbing so hard. I wasn’t sure if I ever wanted a baby before now. I hadn’t decided. But now that I’m not going to, it’s devastating.
“We would make a beautiful baby,” Kale says.
I sit back and look at him. “Do you think our baby would have your blond hair or my brown hair?”
I need to have this conversation. I need to know what it would be like to have this with him. I know that I’ll never live it, and that kills me, but I need to pretend. Even for just a moment.
“Hmm...” he says. “How about one kid with my hair color and your eye color and one kid with your hair color and my eye color.”
“Hopefully they would both have your eye color,” I say. “Because your eyes are gorgeous. Mine are just brown. So boring.”
“Your eyes are not boring,” Kale says. “Your eyes are awesome. They’re so dark they’re almost black. But there is also a little bit of green in them. I can see it when you’re standing in the sun.”
“I’ve never noticed,” I say.
“I notice everything about you, Juliet.”
“I’m sorry I cried on you,” I tell him.
“Never apologize for crying on me,” he says, then kisses my forehead.
“I can’t tell her, Kale.”
“Then let’s not tell her,” he says. “We can just keep this secret between you, Jason, Miranda, and me for now.”
“Okay,” I say. “But what should I say about me running out of the house like that? And you can totally tell I’ve been crying.”
“Tell her you’re on your period. Girls cry sometimes for no reason, right?” he asks.
I laugh. “Kale, I can’t say that.”
“Tell her you were thinking about the baby we lost. You know, ’cause you were pregnant when we got married.”
I smack his arm. “Be serious.”
“Ouch,” he says, rubbing his arm.
My phone vibrates with a text from Jason.
Jason: I covered for you, Juliet. You can’t tell Mom. Not now. It would kill her.
I show the text to Kale.
I’m glad Jason agrees. I absolutely can’t tell my mom.
8 p.m.
Go bowling.
Miranda, Jason, Kale, and I are at the bowling alley, putting on ugly shoes. Kale is typing our names into the computer. Miranda and I already had our ‘hold each other and cry’ moment, and now we’ve decided to have fun.
“So, my sister’s friend, Kate, teaches a yoga class,” Miranda tells me. “Jason told me a few things on your list. I thought you and I could go in the morning. I mean, it’s on the other side of the city and it starts at 7 a.m., but it could be fun. I’ve always wanted to try yoga.”
Miranda is the definition of athletic. In school she ran track and played soccer. She skis the mountains that Jason and Kale aren’t advanced enough to ski. She is one of the best swimmers I’ve ever met. Like, we decided to swim across the lake once. I made it to the other side, about five minutes after her, and halfway back I had to stop. She swam all the way back to shore. Afterwards, she raced Jason across. I mean, this girl is fit. I try to picture her doing yoga, but I can’t.
“You’re going to do yoga?” I ask.
“Yeah. Yoga can get pretty intense,” she says. “But we will go to a beginners’ class.”
“Good, because my idea of a work out is texting or lifting food into my mouth,” I say.
She laughs.
But she doesn’t deny, because she knows it’s the truth.
“Speaking of phones, you haven’t had yours out all night,” she comments.
It’s weird for me to not be on my phone. I’m usually checking Twitter, checking YouTube, checking Instagram, Snapchat, or any of the other social media platforms that I use.
“Yeah. I spent so much time building up my career that I never took time to enjoy myself. I’m realizing now that I can have a career and have a life. Unfortunately, it’s a little bit too late,” I say. “Kale has been helping me so much. He edits all my vlogs now.”
We walk over to pick out a ball.
I find the lightest one that is pink.
“Seven pounds. Perfect,” I say.
Miranda laughs and picks up a sixteen pound ball.
See, athletic.
We walk back over to our lane. Kale and Jason are both picking out balls. I can only assume this whole outing is going to turn into a big competition between the two of them, because it always does.
“Oh, God. I can feel the testosterone in the air,” Miranda says, as the two of them walk back over.
“I can smell it,” I say, waving a hand in front of my face.
“Actually, that’s the people behind us,” she says, leaning closer. “They’re drunk.”
I look behind us and see that she is right. One of the guys actually ends up falling down on the way to the lane.
“That’s definitely going to hurt in the morning,” I say.
He starts to get up and ends up falling again.
I pull my vlogging camera out of my purse and film the guy. It takes him three more tries to get up. I extend my arm and point the camera at myself.
“And that is why you don’t get drunk in public,” I say.
“Or ever,” Miranda says.
“Exactly,” I say. “So, if you couldn’t tell, I’m home.”
“Well, not home. Your home is in LA now,” she says, pouting.
“Idaho will always be my home,” I say, then get up, turning the camera around. Kale is looking at Jason while he bowls. “Why the serious face?”
“I’ve got to beat him,” Kale says. “I’ve got to prove myself as a man. And as the husband of his little sister, I will never live it down if he beats me.”
“STRIKE!” Jason yells, and then turns to Kale. “Not looking so tough, anymore.”
Kale gets up and stretches out. I know he’s playing it up a little for the camera. We all do it, even if we think we don’t.
“You got this, babe,” I say.
“Gross,” I hear Miranda say.
“At least I didn’t call him muffin,” I say, laughing.
Miranda rolls her eyes, but smiles. I turn the camera to Kale as he rolls the ball.
The ball rolls fast down the middle.
It knocks down every pin except for two on the outside back. They couldn’t be farther from each other, and I’m not sure how much Kale has gone bowling, but I don’t think he’s gone enough to know how to knock those two pins down. It looks hard.
Jason, who is laughing very hard behind me, obviously doesn’t think he can knock down the pins either.
“Laugh all you want,” Kale says, waiting for his ball to return. “But this game is far from over.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Jason says. “You’re just mad because you’re behind.”
Kale ignores him and takes his turn. He ends up only knocking one of the pins down, which is still better than anything I could do.
I pass my vlogging camera to Kale. “This is going to be an epic disaster. I want it filmed.”
“Okay,” he says.
“Got any advice?” I ask, holding the ball.
“Yeah.” Kale clears his throat and turns the camera on himself. “Bowling isn’t just a sport. It’s an art. To win this game, you can’t just roll the ball. You have to be the ball. Be confident. Keep your arm straight.” He turns the camera back to me. “You got this, babe.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I say sarcastically, but smile. I get why Kale already has almost two million subscribers. He’s hilarious.
I take the ball and sort of toss it. It hits the floor with a loud bang and rolls about halfway to the pins before going into the gutter.
I pout.
“You did good,” Kale says, turning off the camera. “Let me help you.”
Jason comes up. “I’ll vlog this.”
I grab the ball as it comes out, and I walk towards the lane. Kale comes up behind me.
“Hey, no touching my sister,” Jason says, pointing the camera at us.
“She’s my wife. I can touch her if I want,” Kale says.
I rather like him touching me.
“Look down,” he says. “Do you see the lines?”
I look at the lines directly below me.
“Don’t pay attention to the pins. Just look at the lines,” he says, then takes a step back. “You got this.”
I do as he says and throw the ball, making sure to watch the lines instead of the pins.
And then something magical happens... I knock down four pins.
I jump up and down and then throw my arms around Kale. “I did it!”
Okay, so maybe I only knocked down four pins, which most people would probably consider a fail, but not me. Last time it went in the gutter. So the fact that I was able to at least knock something down makes me really happy.
“You’re awesome,” Kale says.
Jason knuckle bumps me and Miranda high fives me.
Miranda goes to take her turn. She gets a gutter ball both times, even after Jason tried to help her.
Kale knuckle bumps me in secret.
I laugh, because I seriously love my family. This night is perfect and I hope it never ends.