Thursday, June 2
So it begins.
The type of cancer I have is called melanoma, which is a fancy word for skin cancer. Unfortunately, it’s not the kind of cancer you can ever get rid of, and I am already in stage 4.
But I don’t want to scare you off with boring medical terms, or even make you sad for me. Instead, I want to enjoy every single second like it’s my last. Because it is.
My doorbell goes off at seven in the morning and I’m wondering who could be at my apartment this early. When I swing the door open, I’m surprised to see Kale, my brother’s best friend, standing on the other side.
“What are you doing here?” I ask.
“I was in town, so I thought I’d come see my favorite girl,” he answers.
I stand there, with my mouth open.
“Are you going to invite me in?” he asks.
I nod, stepping back so he can enter.
“Nice place,” he says, looking around.
“Want a tour?” I ask.
He nods.
I clear my throat, and use my best professional voice. “On the right, you see my kitchen, which opens up to my dining room and living room. On the left, you will see my office and bedroom.” I smile. “As you can see, I have a very open floor plan.”
Kale laughs, making me realize how much I miss home.
I want to call my mom and dad. I want to tell them about my diagnosis, but I can’t. I don’t want my family to watch me die.
He walks around my apartment, snooping through my things. I let him, because he’s Kale. You can’t tell him no. He does what he wants. Growing up, I always wished I could be like him. He’s so confident. It’s no wonder my brother wanted to become his best friend.
“Bucket list?” he asks, looking at the piece of paper on my desk.
I go over and try to snatch it from him.
“Kiss a boy,” he says, grinning. “Juliet, you’ve never been kissed?”
“Shut up!” I jump, trying to get the paper, but he holds me back.
“Why did you mark out fall in love?” he asks, but doesn’t stop reading.
“Kale, I’m serious.”
“Get married in Vegas,” he says. “Your mom would kill you. And your future husband. You know she lives for wedding planning.”
“Exactly why I want to do it in Vegas,” I say.
Kale keeps reading.
He frowns.
“Write a goodbye letter?” he asks. “Where are you going?”
“Nowhere,” I say, finally getting the list. Not that it matters now. He read it all.
I sit down in my computer chair and pull my knees up to my chest, hugging them. I want to cry, but I’ve cried enough. I can’t do it in front of Kale.
“Juliet, you have to talk to me,” he says, coming down in front of me. He sinks to his knees and he has a look of absolute horror on his face. Which is exactly why I can’t tell my family about my diagnosis. They will look at me just like he’s looking at me.
“Do you want to go on a road trip with me?” I ask him. “Because my bucket list would be a lot more fun with you.”
“You know I will,” he says.
I take a deep breath, and tell him. “I’m dying.”
“Dying? Like, in eighty years, right? Not until you’re ninety-nine,” he says.
“No. Like, by December.”
“December,” he repeats.
“I have cancer, Kale,” I tell him.
“Does your family...” he can’t finish his sentence.
I shake my head. “I can’t tell them. Not yet. I can’t let them watch me die.”
“Juliet...”
I cut him off. “Kale, please. I can’t.”
He remains quiet for a bit, my news sinking in.
“Here’s the deal. I am nineteen. According to my timeline, I am not going to live to see my twentieth birthday,” I say. “I haven’t even lived yet. So, I want to spend the next six months doing some crazy stuff. And it would be a lot more fun if you go with me. But if not, I’ll go by myself.”
He looks at me. “Who else is going to marry you in Vegas? I’m not going to let you marry a stranger.”
“And you’re going to marry me?” I ask.
Kale nods. “Your brother is going to kill me, but it’ll be worth it.”
I laugh.
It’s the first time I’ve laughed since I got the diagnosis.
“What about treatment? How are you doing to get treatment while we’re on the road?” he asks.
“There is no treatment.” My voice is so quiet, I’m not sure he can even hear me.
He gets up.
“No...” his voice breaks.
And he cries. This is something I’ve never, ever, ever seen Kale do in all the nineteen years I’ve known him.
Kale grew up spending a lot of time in my house. His mom and my mom are best friends. So he and my brother grew up from diapers together. Two years after my brother, I came along. Kale didn’t have any other siblings, so I spent all my time following Kale and Jason, my brother, around. They pretended to hate it, but I think they secretly liked me.
I get up and wrap my arms around him.
He hugs me back tightly.
His body is shaking as he sobs.
And I am calm.
This hug feels really good.
“So you’re really going to marry me?” I ask, hoping to take his mind off the fact that I’m dying.
He backs away, not ashamed to have sobbed in front of me like a baby. “Juliet, yes. I am going to marry you. And kiss you.”
“Well, that’s pretty much a requirement since you’re going to be my husband. But don’t worry. I won’t haunt you when you marry somebody else after I die. Unless she’s a skank, then I promise nothing,” I say.
Kale smiles again.
Marrying him wasn’t part of the plan, but he’s right. It would be weird to marry a stranger. Much weirder than marrying my brother’s best friend. Which, yes, is pretty freaking weird.
But hey, I’m dying.
I get a free pass.
Yeah, still too soon to make jokes about dying in my head.
“So, why are you in LA?” I ask.
“Collaboration video with Will,” he answers.
Kale makes vlogs too.
He got into it because of me. He’s not a beauty guru, but he does do really funny videos. A lot of skits. I’ve been in a few of his, and he’s been in a few of mine. One time, I let him do my makeup. That was fun.
“We stayed up most of the night finishing it,” he says.
“Cool,” I say. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I wanted to surprise you,” he answers.
“So, are we going to document our road trip?” I ask. “For the fans.”
He nods. “Not for the fans. For us. For your family.”
“Should we tell YouTube about the Vegas wedding?”
“If you think Jason will kill me because I marry you, he will really kill me if he thinks were staying in hotel rooms together without being married,” he says.
My face grows warm. “Um... you don’t have to... um... stay with me... if you don’t want to.”
“Juliet, I don’t think I’ve ever seen your face so red before.”
I roll my eyes. “Shut up. I have to pack,” I say, and then finally look at him. “You don’t have to marry me, you know. I mean, it’s kind of weird, right?”
“Very,” he says. “You’re like a little sister to me.”
“At least I don’t have to worry about you falling in love with me,” I say. “If I married somebody else, then I’d have to worry about it. I don’t want to die knowing that I left somebody behind, you know? I can’t do that to a guy.”
“Don’t you want to be in love?” he asks.
I nod. “But that’s not an option for me anymore.”
He frowns.
“But this has to be a happy trip. No talk about death. Or cancer,” I say.
“Okay,” he says.
“I have six months left to live, and I want to live them to the fullest.”
“And you will, Juliet. You will.”
I can hear the promise in his voice.
And so the journey begins.
10 a.m.
Madly in love.
We are in the front seat of my small car.
I have a yellow Kia Soul.
I am proud of this car, because I bought it myself. I paid for it with the money I made from my videos—from sponsors, ads and other little things I’ve done since I started my journey four years ago.
“First stop, Vegas,” he says, putting an address in the GPS. There isn’t a lot of traffic right now, so the journey should only take five hours. I’m not counting on that, though. Sometimes, you can get stuck in LA traffic for hours at a time.
“Why are we going to Vegas first?” I ask. “Can’t Vegas be last? Do you really want to spend six months married to a dying girl?”
“Hey, no talk about death,” he says. “Besides, we’re madly in love.”
I laugh.
He pulls out his vlogging camera and extends his arm.
“Hey, guys,” Kale says. “I’m here with the lovely and super talented, Juliet.”
He turns the camera to me.
“Say hi, Juliet,” he says.
“Hi.” I wave to the camera, but turn my attention back on the road. I don’t want to kill us in a car accident.
“Do you want to tell them what you and I are on our way to do?” he asks.
“No. You can,” I say.
“Don’t be shy, Juliet,” he says.
“Fine. We’re eloping. To Vegas.”
“And why are we eloping?” he asks, from behind the camera.
“Because you’re madly in love with me.”
He turns the camera back to himself. “Don’t listen to her guys. She practically begged me to marry her this morning.”
“I did not!”
“Did so,” he says. “There were even tears.”
I laugh. “Fine. We’re in love with each other. Madly in love.”
“Yes, we are, my little love bug.”
I snort. “Love bug?”
He turns off his camera. “It has to be believable.”
“It won’t be believable if you call me your little love bug. Jason would see right through that,” I say. “I hate nicknames. Call me Juliet. And never call me ‘love bug’.”
“What about ‘gummy bear’?”
“That’s even worse!” I say, laughing so hard that I have tears in my eyes. I wipe them away.
“What about ‘baby’?” he asks.
My stomach twists in a weird way that I don’t understand. “Maybe.”
“Should we text your brother before or after?”
“After,” I answer. “If we do it before, he’ll come to Vegas and try to stop it.”
“Right,” he says. “We’ll call him after we consummate the marriage.”
I choke on air. “Kale Johnson, you will not say those kinds of things to me! It’s just... weird!”
He laughs. “I love embarrassing you. And as your fiancé, I feel it’s my job to embarrass you.”
Ugh.
That’s so weird.
And sad.
I’m never going to have a guy ask me to marry him in an epic way. I can’t help it... I feel tears start to form in my eyes. I grab my sunglasses so Kale can’t see them, but he grabs them.
“Are you crying?” he asks.
“No...” I sniffle.
“Why are you crying?”
“Because I just realized that I’m never going to get engaged. At least, not for real. No guy is ever going to plan an epic engagement or get down on one knee and confess his undying love for me,” I say. “Is it sad that I’m thinking about that?”
“No. That’s a completely normal thing to think about,” he says. “But this trip isn’t about what you won’t get to experience. It’s about what you do get to experience. And you, Juliet, are going to live the most exciting six months of your life.”
“Yeah, you’re right. I am.”
5 p.m.
Wifey.
We made it to Vegas a little after three that afternoon. Kale wants to shoot some footage for his vlog, so I go to the room and edit some of the vlog footage he took along the way. It’s not done, but I figure it’ll help save time later.
I wonder what Jason, Mom, and Dad will think when they see this video. Will they believe that we’re truly in love? Will they be disappointed?
I know that I shouldn’t do this. I should tell Kale that I’ve changed my mind—that I don’t want to be married. He will understand. Nineteen is too young to be married, even if it is only for six months. And, his first wife should be somebody he’s really in love with, not somebody he feels sorry for. But I’m selfish. I want to marry Kale, because I want to know what it’s like to be married.
There is a knock on the hotel room door, so I open it.
“Delivery for Juliet Johnson,” the guy says, reading off a card.
Johnson?
Funny.
It must be from Kale.
I take the box from him. “Thanks.”
I set the box on the bed as my phone goes off.
Kale: Hey, wifey. Got you a dress for the wedding. Hope you like it. I’ve watched enough of your videos that I think I know your style. Wear this and meet me in the lobby at 6 o’clock sharp.
I’m scared.
And did he really just call me wifey?
Me: Wifey is almost as bad as gummy bear...
Kale: ;)
I put away my phone and open the box.
Inside is the most gorgeous blue dress I’ve ever seen in my life.
Kale was right.
He does know my style.
I wonder how often he watches my videos. I watch all of his, especially lately. I miss Idaho. He often has my brother in his videos, and sometimes I get to see my mom and dad on his daily vlog channel.
As I’m getting ready for my wedding, I am a little nervous. I will be spending the rest of my life with Kale. Of course, my lifespan is a little shorter than most, but it’s still unnerving. What if this is a mistake?
Before I can think too much about it, I get a call from Jason.
“Hello,” I answer, putting my phone on speaker as I curl my hair.
“Little sister. Hey!”
I didn’t expect to feel so much emotion from talking to him. This is the first time I’ve heard his voice since I got diagnosed and the emotions are overwhelming.
I think about the wedding I more than likely won’t get to attend.
All the nieces and nephews I will never meet.
Birthday parties.
It hurts.
“Jason, hey,” I say, clearing my throat. I do not want him to know that I am on the verge of tears.
“What are you up to?”
“Oh, you know. Just curling my hair,” I say. “About to do a collab video with Kale.”
“Oh, good!” Jason says. “I was hoping he would stop by and see you. What kind of video are you guys doing? Please tell me you’re doing his makeup, because I would pay good money to see him in lipstick.”
I laugh. “Kale is too manly. There is no way he’d let me go anywhere near his face with a tube of lipstick.”
“You’re right,” he says.
“Besides, I can’t tell you what the video is about. You’ll just have to watch it tomorrow, once it’s uploaded,” I say.
“What good is it being your big brother if you don’t give me insider information.”
“It’s just... a surprise,” I say, spraying hairspray in my hair. I grab some lip gloss.
“You suck,” he says. “Just for that, I’m going to make sure Lila picks out a really ugly maid of honor dress for you to wear.”
“You wouldn’t! You know I have to do something good for my vlog!”
I hear Lila yell at him; then she speaks. “Don’t worry, Juliet. You’re going to be in a gorgeous dress. I can’t have the girl who is doing my hair and makeup mad at me for picking something ugly.”
I laugh.
Then feel sad again.
January is too far away.
“I’m sorry, I’ve got to cut this conversation short, guys,” I say. “But we’ve really got to get started before all the good lighting is gone.”
“Okay,” Jason says. “Goodbye, Juliet!”
“Bye Juliet!” I hear Lila yell.
“Bye.”
I end the call and take a few uneven breaths.
I don’t want to cry and mess up my makeup.
6 p.m.
Something beautiful.
When I go to the hotel lobby, Kale is standing there, wearing a suit.
A SUIT.
I’ve never seen this guy in a suit. Their senior year, he and Jason even protested prom, and they wore jeans. The fact that he’s put on a suit for our wedding makes me tear up. But then again, everything is making me emotional these days.
“You look stunning,” he tells me.
I smile. “You too, Kale.”
And he does.
His onyx-colored eyes are looking at me in a way that I imagined my future husband would. And even if he is just doing this because I’m dying, it still means the world to me.
Kale actually fixed his blond hair. It’s usually messy. Well, messy on purpose. He “fixes” it to be messy. One time, when I had him on my vlog, he let me fix his hair, and he’s wearing it the exact same way that I fixed it. He knew that I liked it like this.
“This is perfect,” I tell him. “So, did you pick a chapel?”
“We’re not getting married just yet,” he says. “I have another surprise for you.”
I follow him outside the hotel and we walk along the crowded streets. I’ve never been to Vegas before, but it’s not quite what I expected. I guess I expected it to be... magical, or something. People always talk about Vegas like it’s the best place in the world. But to be honest, it smells a bit like vomit out here. I nearly get knocked over by a drunk girl screaming something about “the monkeys are loose!”
Huh.
I realize at that moment that if I weren’t dying, I wouldn’t want this to be my wedding. I wouldn’t want anything extravagant, but I definitely would want my family to be there. And I definitely wouldn’t want to do it in a place called “Sin City.”
“The Eiffel Tower,” I say, when we stop in front of it.
He grins at me, causing my heart to jump.
Okay, I’ve never had that reaction to Kale before, but then again, I’ve never been about to marry him, either.
We get on the glass elevator and ride to the top. There is only one other person up there, a worker. I walk over to the window and look out at the city.
One thing is certain about Vegas—it’s gorgeous from up here.
“Wow,” I say.
“Juliet,” Kale says.
I look over to see that he’s not standing there.
He’s down on one knee.
“I know that this isn’t ideal, and that this probably isn’t the epic proposal you had in your head,” he says. “But I love you. How could I not? You’ve always been there for me, through the good and bad. You are smart, beautiful, and successful. And I would be honored if you would say yes, and be my wife.”
I can’t help it.
I cry.
I know that when he says “I love you,” he means it as a little sister. Not as a wife. But I’m still glad he said it. Though, truthfully, I know he wouldn’t be doing this if he didn’t love me a lot.
“Yes, I’ll marry you,” I say.
“Good,” he says, pulling a box out of his pocket.
A ring.
He got me a ring.
I hold out my left hand and he slides it on my finger.
The ring isn’t anything extravagant, but it’s exactly what I want. It’s beautiful.
I let him hold me.
Through this epically horrible situation, I’ve found happiness—thanks to Kale. He is turning something ugly into something beautiful.
“Are you ready to become Mrs. Juliet Johnson?” he asks.
Am I?
I nod.
The girl behind us hands over Kale’s camera. I’m glad he thought ahead to get this on film.
“I’m not sure if I want to put that on YouTube,” he says. “Maybe that can be just for us. For us and your family.”
“Okay,” I say.
It’s perfect.
We’re sharing our story with the world, but some of it is just going to be for my family.
“Will you help me say goodbye to them? Through the videos,” I say. “I can’t tell them to their face. But afterwards, you can show them the videos. They will see how happy I am. I want them to see this.”
“Okay, Juliet. I will,” he says.
I couldn’t have asked for a better bucket list husband... er... fiancé.
10 p.m.
Get married in Vegas.
I’m married.
Okay, the ceremony was lame.
And fast.
Very fast.
Apparently, in Vegas, they are busy even on a Thursday night.
But it was still good.
Because of Kale.
When we go back to our hotel, we do what any other YouTube obsessed newlyweds would do.
We edit our video, and then upload it.
I’m scared to death, watching the progress. Waiting. Knowing that in a few minutes, depending on how good the WiFi connection is at this hotel, everybody in the whole world will know that I am married to Kale.
It’s so weird!
I’m married to my brother’s best friend.
“Pull out your bucket list,” Kale says to me.
So I do.
Kale marks through one of the items.
18. Get married in Vegas.
“You can mark through number one as well,” I tell him.
“No,” he says. “I didn’t kiss you properly. When I do, you’ll know it. Then you can mark it out.”
I hear my laptop make a noise, letting me know the video is uploaded.
“I think I’m going to be sick,” I tell him.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, coming to my side.
“The video is uploaded.”
He laughs. “Oh.”
“This is bad, Kale. Jason is going to flip out when he sees the video,” I say. “Within a few minutes, our phones will be lit up with texts and calls from our family.”
He pulls up my channel on his computer. “You’ve already got three hundred likes and a ton of comments.”
“Ugh...” I groan.
“Who spends their honeymoon on the computer?” Kale asks.
“You and I,” I answer. “We’re obviously perfect for each other.”
“Okay, Mrs. Johnson, we should go to sleep,” he says. “We can deal with the consequences of this elopement later.”
“Okay,” I say, shutting my laptop. “First, can you record me saying something to my family? Just for them.”
“Yes,” he says, getting out his vlogging camera. “It’s recording.”
I take a deep breath. “Hey Mom, Dad and Jason. I... um... I’m married. I got married in Vegas, which sounds really cheap, but I promise it’s not so bad. I know you’re probably mad at Kale, but you shouldn’t be. He’s been a great husband so far. He even asked me to marry him in a romantic way because I cried over not having the perfect engagement.
“You should know that I’m happy. Kale is helping me achieve some things that I want to do before I die. I don’t have much time, so I couldn’t make the list I really wanted. But I figured I can achieve most of what I want in the US. Guess I’ll never really go to France, but at least I got engaged on the Eiffel Tower.
“Don’t be sad when I’m gone. Take risks. Do things you’ve never done. Because I know from experience that life is too short and can be over before it even starts. I love you, guys.”
There are tears running down my face, so I wipe them away. I didn’t want them to see me cry, but I couldn’t help it.
Kale lowers the camera and walks over to me, embracing me.
“I’m fine,” I tell him. “It’s just... saying goodbye to the people I love is going to be really hard.”
“Maybe we can go and see them,” he says.
I shake my head. “Not yet. I want to be brave when I see them.”
“Okay,” he says, kissing the top of my head.
That night, I cry myself to sleep.